Munchies by David Stonenberg aka The Baron of Bud - Short, Comedy - Super hunger demands a super snack. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ah, just missed 4/20 by a few days.  This is a good idea for a short: what happens when a hero hits the herb and there's no hot pockets left in the Hall of Justice fridge.  It's well written and formatted, although I wasn't sure what the extended phone call was about at the beginning.  Also, it might have helped the comedy to have two stoned heroes attempting to make the pizzas.  Then they could have had some dialogue instead of Redeye just making the pizza alone and listening to his music.  

Officer Shrimp got stoned in a hurry, or was he already baked when he arrived?  Hard to tell.  Funny little story, but could have used a little comedy pop at the very end.  My first read, off to a pretty good start here.

Sorry, didn't get any of this. So he breaks into a pizza store to make pizzas? Cops arrive and instead of trying to lock him up they get high and join the party? Again, sorry if misread this but didn't make any sense to me.

I agree with Equinox.  I didn't get it.  It didn't make any sense to me. If he was high on drugs and got the munchies and the cops knew about his drug issues that might have led to some funny dialog, but, I didn't get it.

Sorry.

I enjoyed it. Funny, concise, and well written. Plus a superhero that I can get behind.

Not sure why other people are saying they didn't get it. I got the impression that the police put up with the break in's because he's a super hero and fights on their side. So it's sort of like the good outweighs the bad and it's simply collateral damage. That was my take away anyways.

Furthermore, it met the requirements and I laughed. Solid entry.

Superhero has the munchies. Nice premise. Was it funny though, not a huge amount. Some decent visuals but lacking some payoff, for me anyway.

Like the the idea though. And the nod to the next break in.

If has some thing but doesn't quite deliver the knock out.

Okay, the visuals are good. It flows smoothly and, in all it's well written.

I'm also not clear as to when Officer Shrimp got stoned.

Not bad. Not a whole lot of chuckles for me.

Really should give it a few points for effort and originality. But i can't as I didn't laugh at all. Sorry...

0 laughs out of 10

I struggled with this one, I had to reread it and usually that's not good.

Stoners break into a Pizza joint and one is Superhero and the cops catch them and they get stoned too... I guess

Not exactly Cheech and Chong... didn't really laugh at all at this one, sorry.

Good job on entering

I didn't get this one at all. Guy breaks into a store - makes some pizza - serves pizza to cops - takes off.

The writing was fine, but I just didn't understand this in the parameters of the OWC.

Writer,

Yeah. Just didn't get this at all. Hungry dope smoking guy making pizza flies off. Okay! :)

Steve

Well written but I'm just not a stoner comedy fan, so fell a little flat for me.

I like the idea here, i.e. a stoner with superpowers who breaks into a pizza shop just because he has the munchies. With great power comes no responsibility, apparently. I suppose the cops really can't do anything about that, lest they get neutralized.

That said, after the cops show up, things fall flat. They don't have any real response to Red-Eye's actions beyond looking dumbfounded. I feel like there would've been some kind of exchange. There's barely one as Red-Eye prepares. They're basically reduced to props for Red-Eye to bounce his last one-liners off.

Also, is there a reason Shrimp is laughing? Did he get high or what? Not clear at all.

Almost feels like something's missing from the scene entirely. As in, some line, passage or something which would've clarified things that was outright excised from the script. Even an entire scene. The script is four pages, after all.

Anyway, idea's not bad. Execution's decent to a point, but the ending sucks and basically kills the rest in how much it doesn't pay off or even make sense.

Stoned superhero having munchies, this is a killer concept, my kinda joint so to speak.

However, the script felt bland, too mellow, and lack excitement. I was hoping for more LoLs, but just couldn't find it. Sorry.

This lost my attention pretty quickly and I ended up skimming. For a four page script that's a problem.

I guess he flies at the end, up until then I was wondering where the superhero element was. In any event, this didn't work for me at all and I didn't find it funny. Sorry.

Weed and pizza, great combination, in the real world anyway. Not so sure about this one, the lad's a bit like a stoner equivalent of Nigela Lawson. She gets in from the pub and makes tasty grub, he breaks in after a night on the green stuff and makes everyone pizzas.

Not for me anyway, good luck

I don't see the why and wherefore for this 'hero'?  Malicious mischief for mischief sake?  Not funny and very repetitive.  how many times do we have to watch the guy dance?

Well written and was actually enjoyable to read, but as far as comedy goes I didn't get much, I understood the story I just need something more than people getting high, would've liked to see more dialogue between Red-Eye and the cops.

Apart from being written well,  there was not much here which appealed to me. Not really a stoner/ humour sort of guy, not in film scripts anyway

The first idea I had for this OWC was Captain Craveman, I never really got any further than the title – feel free to use it for this if you want!

As it is, this is like a junkie version of Hancock and plays out like a scene rather than a short film. It’s not obvious at all how the cops suddenly get stoned. You have two pages to spare, you could have easily joined up the dots for the audience and create some more comedy with the interaction between them and Red Eyes. For me there’s potential here and it’s well written but could do with more.

A good effort for one week, worth continuing with outside the owc for sure.

-Mark

Pizza Man with laser eyes. Nice.
But it's all a bit too unfocused imo. It's not bad but at some point it drifts in a confusing direction.

David Stonenberg,

Sorry, didn't grip me at all. Not sure what it was about. Just a guy making pizza, flying away at the end? Even though it was short, it felt long. That's not good.

Glenn.

Yeah, if your stoned you often develop munchies. But this guy in real world was not moving - he was that much stoned... Funny in a way.

I didnt understand the Talk in the end. Couldnt get it.

Its not a complete story for me and that's why it failed to capture my attention. But the premise is funny

This could have been funny... but the superhero aspect lets it down. There's just no rhyme nor reason to it. A stoner breaking into a shop for food is a nice situation for comedy, but you've just missed the mark. Definitely should rework this outside of the OWC and see what happens without the superhero part being a necessity.

Not my slice of the pie. Conceptually it isn't bad, but I didn't how see the superhero angle played much of a role, except it gave the protag a superhero craving. The cops are another part of the off-kilter effect.  Just not my brand of comedy. It did get me thinking about pizza and sometimes, that's a good thing.

I read the whole thing.

It should have been quite funny, but it wasn't at all.  At 4 pages, it should read quickly and easily, but it doesn't at all.

The writing is quite poor here, but in a strange way...meaning, we've all seen much, much worse writing, but this just doesn't work as written.  The Slug choice is poor.  The visuals don't work.  The asides are awful.  Nothing works here at all, and it's too bad, because it really could have and should have.

This was one of the better written ones, but I’m not sure the story quite met the standard of the writing. Even for what is basically a short skit it seemed curiously empty. A lot of room for pothead superhero jokes, but only a few attempts were broached.

The OWC is definitely over. I suppose I'll go ahead and out myself. Thanks for the read, everyone, and I apologize.

This script has proved to be an act of self-sabotage. I hit the six-page mark the first time around and rewrote the script about 3-4 times before submitting. I received a questionable piece of feedback at the last minute and applied it hastily and overzealously. I slashed some essential material from the ending, and as a result, the clarity suffered.

I was more stoked than usual for this particular OWC. I suppose I got too deep into my own head and lost track of what needed to be on the page. The feedback I received was supposed to address an issue of realism. I took it further than need be in hopes of added simplicity and brevity, neither of which the script needed at this point; I had already cut a whole page of extraneous material, dropping the page count to five.

I realized all this at the worst possible time: after submitting but before the scripts were posted. By the time mine went up, I had no enthusiasm for it whatsoever, and I cringed every time I saw it bumped it the portal. It got the reviews I expected and the ones it deserved. I appreciate that some people were able to see potential in the idea, even those who didn't like it, but honestly, given how fucked up this version is, I'm at a loss as to how anyone was able to reach that conclusion.

I'd address one thing: The cops never got high. The reason for Shrimp's laughing was one of the casualties of the last-minute rewrite. At first, I thought this might be a happy accident, since cops smoking weed is way more broadly comedic than what I had intended, but nobody seemed to like it anyway, so fuck it.

I won't elaborate on the rest. This is what I did with the time I had, and it failed. I can't say for sure if the previous versions were any funnier, but they were at least more clear.

I may or may not post a rewrite. A lot of people have already read a version of the script and are done with it, but it would be a quick fix. I don't know. I tend not to have many prospects for my OWC entries after the votes are cast/names are revealed; I participate for the challenge first and foremost, and that's over in one week's time.

This could work on a superpower level if his abilities were more weed-oriented. It just needs to be a bit smarter, I could give examples, but then I might as well write it myself. It can also work that his 'powers' are all part of his stoner fantasy.

Some weed-toking students may find the humour in it and want to make it. Needs a rewrite though, mate, as you know.

Good luck with it.

Thanks, Dustin. I think I may just post a rewrite yet. I don't expect much from it, but it seems a shame to leave the script as is.

What needs the most work is the reaction from the cops. By far. The current execution killed the script completely, because there's hardly a reaction at all. I've already rewritten the exchange with this in mind.

As for the superpowers, I think they do what they're supposed to for now. They just lack proper context. They key isn't the powers themselves but how they're used.

Quoted from James McClung I realized all this at the worst possible time: after submitting but before the scripts were posted. By the time mine went up, I had no enthusiasm for it whatsoever, and I cringed every time I saw it bumped it the portal. It got the reviews I expected and the ones it deserved. I appreciate that some people were able to see potential in the idea, even those who didn't like it, but honestly, given how fucked up this version is, I'm at a loss as to how anyone was able to reach that conclusion..

LOL, well it ain't THAT bad James.  I think the concept of a superhero who likes to burn has potential.  And the image of him breaking into a pizzeria because he's so hungry/high is funny.  But yeah it was clear there some missing elements here.  The reaction of the cops in particular was confusing.  I'd like to see this restored to its original version before you got your last minute advice.

Quoted from Ryan1 LOL, well it ain't THAT bad James.

Heh. I think the other reviews would suggest otherwise. Some of the worst reactions I've ever received. Again, though, I think that's on me.

I appreciate the kind words though. I remember reading your review before everyone else's and thinking for a second that I might've just gotten cold feet. You seem to have gotten the basic idea as well. It's not a complicated story, but there was definitely a lot lost in the process.

I see you wrote Flying High Again. Nice one, man. By far my favorite of the bunch.