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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Munchies - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Munchies - OWC  (currently 2733 views)
Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Munchies by David Stonenberg aka The Baron of Bud - Short, Comedy - Super hunger demands a super snack. 4 pages - pdf, format


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Mr. Blonde  -  April 24th, 2016, 10:20am
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Ryan1
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, just missed 4/20 by a few days.  This is a good idea for a short: what happens when a hero hits the herb and there's no hot pockets left in the Hall of Justice fridge.  It's well written and formatted, although I wasn't sure what the extended phone call was about at the beginning.  Also, it might have helped the comedy to have two stoned heroes attempting to make the pizzas.  Then they could have had some dialogue instead of Redeye just making the pizza alone and listening to his music.  

Officer Shrimp got stoned in a hurry, or was he already baked when he arrived?  Hard to tell.  Funny little story, but could have used a little comedy pop at the very end.  My first read, off to a pretty good start here.
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Equinox
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, didn't get any of this. So he breaks into a pizza store to make pizzas? Cops arrive and instead of trying to lock him up they get high and join the party? Again, sorry if misread this but didn't make any sense to me.


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DanC
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Equinox.  I didn't get it.  It didn't make any sense to me. If he was high on drugs and got the munchies and the cops knew about his drug issues that might have led to some funny dialog, but, I didn't get it.

Sorry.


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albinopenguin
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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I enjoyed it. Funny, concise, and well written. Plus a superhero that I can get behind.

Not sure why other people are saying they didn't get it. I got the impression that the police put up with the break in's because he's a super hero and fights on their side. So it's sort of like the good outweighs the bad and it's simply collateral damage. That was my take away anyways.

Furthermore, it met the requirements and I laughed. Solid entry.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Superhero has the munchies. Nice premise. Was it funny though, not a huge amount. Some decent visuals but lacking some payoff, for me anyway.

Like the the idea though. And the nod to the next break in.

If has some thing but doesn't quite deliver the knock out.


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Wes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, the visuals are good. It flows smoothly and, in all it's well written.

I'm also not clear as to when Officer Shrimp got stoned.

Not bad. Not a whole lot of chuckles for me.


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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Really should give it a few points for effort and originality. But i can't as I didn't laugh at all. Sorry...

0 laughs out of 10


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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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I struggled with this one, I had to reread it and usually that's not good.

Stoners break into a Pizza joint and one is Superhero and the cops catch them and they get stoned too... I guess

Not exactly Cheech and Chong... didn't really laugh at all at this one, sorry.

Good job on entering


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eldave1
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't get this one at all. Guy breaks into a store - makes some pizza - serves pizza to cops - takes off.

The writing was fine, but I just didn't understand this in the parameters of the OWC.


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StevenClark
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Yeah. Just didn't get this at all. Hungry dope smoking guy making pizza flies off. Okay!

Steve


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Well written but I'm just not a stoner comedy fan, so fell a little flat for me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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James McClung
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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I like the idea here, i.e. a stoner with superpowers who breaks into a pizza shop just because he has the munchies. With great power comes no responsibility, apparently. I suppose the cops really can't do anything about that, lest they get neutralized.

That said, after the cops show up, things fall flat. They don't have any real response to Red-Eye's actions beyond looking dumbfounded. I feel like there would've been some kind of exchange. There's barely one as Red-Eye prepares. They're basically reduced to props for Red-Eye to bounce his last one-liners off.

Also, is there a reason Shrimp is laughing? Did he get high or what? Not clear at all.

Almost feels like something's missing from the scene entirely. As in, some line, passage or something which would've clarified things that was outright excised from the script. Even an entire scene. The script is four pages, after all.

Anyway, idea's not bad. Execution's decent to a point, but the ending sucks and basically kills the rest in how much it doesn't pay off or even make sense.


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Hank of W
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Stoned superhero having munchies, this is a killer concept, my kinda joint so to speak.

However, the script felt bland, too mellow, and lack excitement. I was hoping for more LoLs, but just couldn't find it. Sorry.
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Trojan
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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This lost my attention pretty quickly and I ended up skimming. For a four page script that's a problem.

I guess he flies at the end, up until then I was wondering where the superhero element was. In any event, this didn't work for me at all and I didn't find it funny. Sorry.
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