Taxi Joe by 0 - Short, Horror, Found Footage - Two amateur documentary film makers get more than they paid for when they interview Joe, a homeless man who lives in a taxi in the woods. - pdf, format 8)

A very simple slasher script, that works as far as it goes.

Nice to see a story that's essentially outside of a taxi.

I do actually like the central premise, and think it could be expanded into a decent found footage movie.

It's too short, and does too little to be one of the scripts I would say is one of the best in the OWC, but if I was going to make a feature out of any of the entries I'd read, it would be this one.

I liked this one a lot and could totally see this working as a feature. Very well paced and crisply written. Very easy to see this in my head. I hope you consider expanding this.

Good work.

~Zack~

Simple idea with plenty of potential.  Title worked to pull me in.  Put me in mind of Cowboy Sam...

I like the found footage approach -- minor issue is there’s no suggestion as to who found it.  

Could work okay on screen, nasty visual with the hiker in the trunk.  No real surprises here -- feels like you could’ve done more with the idea to flesh it out a little more.  

If you decide to rewrite then think about the logic.  The idea suggests Taxi Joe’s done this before, killing hikers/snoopers that is.  But if people know about him, then how come no-ones put two and two together?

Short, brutal and to the point.  Disappointed it didn’t creep me out as much as it could have.

Well...I'm surprised to say that this is actually quite good.  Pretty well written, too.

Short and sweet, but maybe a little too short, as a little more would surely add to the tension, which is oddly lacking.

Found footage scripts are tough to write and this ain't half bad, but there are instances where it doesn't quite work for me, in terms of what we're seeing.

The only real problem for me is that this doesn't adhere to the challenge.  Sure, a woman is "trapped in a cab", and in the end, so is Becca, but that's not what this script is about...at all.  So...I have to say, although good, this won't cut it.

I'd suggest adding a few pages to this.  It would really help, as we need some time to really care about our 2 Protags...get to know them a bit.  We also could use some added time in the finale, which just passes too quickly.

As a free standing script, I'll give you a strong B, as written, but in terms of this OWC, I can't give a grade over a D, as it just doesn't follow the challenge, IMO.

Good effort, though.  I like it.

Creepy and nice. I absolutely agree with the others that it should be a feature.
I would love to read it.

Congrats,
Cindy

First one of this OWC that i dont think conforms to the challenge BUT...

It is well written and I liked the setup, I normally detest found footage but could see this working effectively.

Good effort.

It's well written but completely misses the point of the challenge. There's a taxi, but they're not stuck in it until the very end,  so for me it's not eligible for consideration.

Outside of the challenge you should definitely take it forward, it is good work, but just doesn't adhere to the rules

They didn't have to be stuck in the taxi the whole time.

That was left up to the writer.

All the scripts I've read conformed to the rules.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films They didn't have to be stuck in the taxi the whole time. That was left up to the writer. All the scripts I've read conformed to the rules.

Is this yours, my friend?   ;D ;D ;D ;D

"They", or anyone didn't have to be stuck the whole time, but that was the theme of the challenge - the only constraint that was given, really.

This script did not have this as its theme at all.

If the challenge stated a taxi, or the like must be included as a central idea or character, then, yeah, this works.  But, for me at least, in no way did this meet the challenge as stated.

Not mine.

Don said it was up to the writer to interpret trapped in a taxi and specifically said the whole thing didnt have to be set in a taxi.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Not mine. Don said it was up to the writer to interpret trapped in a taxi and specifically said the whole thing didn't have to be set in a taxi.

I agree, but again, that was the only parameter given, so...IMO, at least, it should be met.  But then again, I didn't enter...or did I?

BWOOHAHA!!!!!!!   ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)

Neat concept – making the taxi a junk heap, vs. a working car.
I do agree this one played a bit fast and loose with the "trapped" parameters - but not so much that it can't be argued to have met them.

Two small typos

p. 1: Large enough (de-cap “L”)
p. 3: transferred

My thoughts: good story concept overall… though I was hoping for more of a twist, vs. the straightforwardly brutal way it ended… And yes, this probably could be a good, nasty horror feature, ala Texas Chainsaw...  :)

Scar Tissue, no idea where you're getting my interpretation as being for the entire duration of the piece from.

In this script, the trapped in a taxi theme is limited to a couple of lines, therefore I don't think it meets the initial brief. The fact that being trapped in a taxi is the theme of the challenge, this should play a large part of a script, here it does not.

This was well-written, but maybe a little too straightforward. It felt like everything that mattered could've fit into one scene. Some kids go looking for a homeless guy who lives in a taxi in the woods, and suffer the exact fate you would expect to befall you if you discovered a homeless guy living in a taxi in the woods. Some of the character actions really had me wondering.

I didn't see a compelling reason for the kids to go looking for this dude. And did Reggie say, “I bet he's taking a piss. I'll go find him” in the dark? That cat WANTS to die. Maybe these are stupid character horror tropes, but I'm sure you can do better on the rewrite.

As for the criteria question, the whole trapped in a taxi thing did feel tacked on to me. Maybe if they'd notice the hiker during the first visit, then returned later to free her, I could buy it being a key part of the story. I think the story would've had a little more direction in that case as well.

Very straightforward, but definitely delivers the goods. I think it fumbles the character motivations a bit -- the better and more complete their reason for wanting to find Taxi Joe, the more fun their deaths will be. Are they do-gooders? Exploiters? That's the missing piece for me.

But an entertaining, no-frills read.

Taxi joe

Oh, I dont know. It wasn't bad, the writer knows their stuff, and the use of taxi was different in terms of being a  Home, so kudos for that.

But,

1] this has been done soooo many times, the kids in the woods, oh the nasty man etc ... So I feel it lacks depth, and actually felt a tad cliched. Anything in woods goes bad etc. Sorry, maybe it's me.

2] it was hardly contained in a taxi, like not at all

3],trapped, OK, you ticked this one, but I didn't like the tick. It want centre to the story

I really worked on the criteria and my script stumbles because of it, so I feel I should take this into account.

It almost felt like - please don't assume I really think this, I'm just saying - that you had a cabin script and switched part for a taxi. I'm sure it wasn't, but may be you can see where I'm coming from. Where was the new angle?

Sorry, I'm going to pass

Not bad, the usual cliche for most found footage... always ends up in the woods lol

I guess the hiker was trapped in the taxi.

Overall well written just not my thing.

Good job on entering

So there's a hiker trapped in the trunk of the taxi.
Looks to me like it meets the criteria.
Might have hinted at the trapped hiker at the beginning just to satisfy the critics.

Reminds me of this commercial where the kids go to hide behind the hanging chainsaws rather than getting in the running car -- If you're in a horror movie, you're gonna make stupid decisions. It's what you're gonna do.

Nothing that really grabs me here but it's solidly written.

Well I guess being dead in the trunk is stuck in the taxi!!  I liked where you were going with it... and then it just ended!  WTH!!  You still had 4 pages more to go.  This was good to this point, one of the better ones, if you would have finished it.  I hope you just ran out of time, and can finish this now that the challenge is done.  Would easily be filmed.  Good luck.

I hate found footage horror. I turn that shit off pretty quickly as it seems to be more about shaking the shitty camera around than an actual story.

What's the point in the first bit where he tells them to come back at night? This is so 80s horror it's spoof-like.

Not for me... I could see this being filmed though, because it's easy. I just wouldn't watch it myself.

A pass.

I think its important to tell us why they decided to interview him. Why him? Is he special?

Also she tells us that they are going to interview Joe. Then she repeats that to Joe saying that they are there to interview him. I think you better skip to "not interested" right away.

Also, if the camera is on the floor I dont know how we see Joe grabbing her tigh.

Some notes.

Don't know if this conformed to the rules, but it's a nice little tale.  I don't buy the man going out in the dark to look for Sam.  Sit down and wait.  Who wants to interrupt a man when he's...

Best
Richard

I liked this. It was refreshing to read. Congrats!

This is probably more effective off paper just because of how short it is. If this was filmed, its brevity would add to the creepiness. I liked the found footage angle here, and it was well executed in the script. Not sure about the interruption - come back later? Doesn't make sense to me. Regardless, I enjoyed so good job.

Too linear, and not enough build up for me. Think of Mick Taylor in Wolf Creek, quietly sinister, creepy humour, bad taste puns and jokes before wham!, the girl wakes to terror . Taxi Joe just seems to wander off for a bit - not enough of a full presence, not enough of a villain.  Perhaps give one of them a chance to cotton on, and try to escape, or the two of them discuss something weird going on, discover a limb, something... Just my humble, of course. Not badly written but with the available pages you had, I think you could have added a lot more. I do think this qualifies re trapped.

Some notes.

Not a bad concept although I don't see anyone trapped in a taxi.  

I don't buy the guy going off in the dark to chase down a man peeing.   Doesn't work.  Just a convenience for the writer.

But the writing is fine.

Best
Richard

Well written for the most part. However, I am one of those that don't think this met the parameters of the challenge.

Writer,

I'm thinking this works fine as is, but maybe a little backstory about why they were out there. I mean it could be, but I'm not sure if sheer curiosity is a good enough explanation. But this was a good, creepy little tale that could've benefitted from another page or two -- I wanted a bit more creepiness and suspense thrown in. This almost does it, but it could be better. Nice work!

Steve

This one didn't work for me.  It was short, too short.  It was too easy to follow.

And unless he's a doctor, there is no way that the girl with the

oh SPOILERS
missing arm should still be alive.  

And why have them come back at night?  And where are the missing people?  

I agree with the others that didn't care for it.  Yes, it could be a feature, I guess, but, not a good one.  I think this is best as a half hour creepshow episode (or Tales from the crypt)...

It also kinda failed the OWC.  You only put her in the trunk at the end to fulfill the challenge, to me, that's kinda cheating...  

And the cliche of Reggie runs off leaving a chubby Becca to become a meal...

Kudos on using the taxi in a completely different way.

5/10

Dan

Aside from the girl(s) trapped in the boot, you might say Joe was trapped in the taxi as well? I liked it; one of my top three so far. I'd love to see another page or two to wrap it up a bit cleaner. Nice work!

This didn't work for me. In general, it's well written. The writer here knows his stuff for the most part and came up with a very creative taxi concept. However, there are no characters. Apparently I'm in the minority, but I don't think any genre of script works without characters.

I know nothing about Becca or Reggie. I don't know who they are, I don't know their personalities, I don't know really why they want to film this guy... nothing. Why should I care what happens to them? If you gave me one fully realized character I would care more about him/her getting their finger pricked by a thorn than either of these people getting cut to pieces.

There's just so much more potential here. From the opening, I get a sense you were trying to distinguish Becca as serious, professional and Reggie as more of a goofball. You need to build on that and take it further.

Quoted Text LATER The track is overgrown but visible. It is Large enough to accommodate a vehicle. The woods grow more dense. REGGIE (O.S.) I didn't realize it was such a hike to get out here. BECCA (O.S.) I think we’re almost there.

**This is wasted potential. You could have them going down an embankment, Reggie jumping haphazardly from rock to rock. Becca says something like "If you don't take it slow you're gonna break your leg". Then he says "And have you nurse me back to health? Yes please." This builds on Reggie as a joker, reckless. It furthers Becca as serious, methodical.

Quoted Text Reggie stumbles back, falls. BECCA (O.S.) Careful with the camera. REGGIE (O.S.) Careful with the camera she says. Don’t worry, I'm fine. Just had the life scared out of me.

**This was good. Becca is all obsessed with keeping her equipment in order, Reggie's kind of the goofball making light of the situation. Nice job here.

Quoted Text EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Becca looks directly into the camera. A light on the camera illuminates her. BECCA So here we are. I’m just about to interview Taxi Joe. I’m interested to know his story. What brought him all the way out here? How he lives day to day? Does he have any hopes or ambitions? Let’s go find out. (to Reggie) How was that? REGGIE (O.S.) Perfect.

**This needs work. It's all filler. You could have Becca going on about all the research she's done on this guy, how she's uncovered some odd stories, old articles... shows again how serious, bookwormish she is and could reveal something specific about why they're interviewing him. Then when she asks "how was that?" Reggie can go "Needs more cleavage" or something like that.

Again, the writing is good overall. And I am one of a very few people who even had a problem with this. But for me, no characters = no tension.

Visual concept convinced me throughout. I also think this found footage concept could work well with our young generation who all film their life. It's fast, short, and modern to me. Just one point: the last punch line (with Reggie) should be the big, big deal –- it isn't yet. Either make it funny as hell or truly disturbing to be 100% remarkable with your last impression.
Very well done, a qualified execution.

Nice. I was wondering when one of these would pop up... locked in a trunk scenario. Writing's solid IMO. I think I get what you were going for here but, seems like you ran out of steam, ideas... or both.

Once... I voluntarily locked myself in the trunk of a car so a few friends and I could save on an admission price for an all night drive-in theater... shit you not, back in the day. It didn't actually occur to me until I was in the trunk that I was, y'know... locked in a f*kin' trunk. Why am I telling you this? I have no idea.

This script has its moments and, I think you could trim down the first few pages to get the reader into the trunk faster, then draw out some ambitious story re: getting out. After that, it could start to take shape. Seems like so much missed potential with this avenue of approach; trunk scenario that is. All just opinion of course... best of luck.

I dislike found-footage movies with a vengeance so I already had my GRRRRR head on before I started reading this. Therefore consider this a warning - this review may be quite biased lol!

This reads like a generic found-footage slasher horror with a taxi shoehorned in to meet the criteria. I didn't care at all about the documentary makers, so there was no tension at all for me. The nutter/cannibal in the woods has been done to death and this story adds nothing new to an overused cliche-filled genre.

Rant aside, it was well written and easy to follow. To me it does meet the criteria of the OWC and I can imagine it would be picked up for production because it is quite easy to film and fairly cheap.  

-Mark

Found footage. Some love it. Some hate it. Some tolerate it. A lot of them don't always work. With that said, let's dive into Taxi Joe.

P1 Even though it's understood (since we're on a black screen), you should still use (O.S.), unless they're in front of a black background; which they're obviously not.

IN A NORMAL SCRIPT, the camera doesn't exist. Instead of saying "the camera" right off the bat, it should read:

Quoted Text BECCA, 18, chubby, attractive, looks directly into her [not "the"] camera.

Treat the camera like a character. Maybe even ID the make and model, and format. For example, an iPhone camera; a Sony HD Handyman camcorder; a Canon Rebel T3i DSLR; a 16mm Arriflex 416 film camera; etc. Introduce the camera the way you would a character.

Once you do that, you can then call it "the" camera without offending screenwriting "purists."

Code The camera spins around.

A word of caution: Don't go overboard on camera directions, found footage or not.

Code REGGIE, 18, scruffy with a cheesy grin.

Incomplete sentence. What does he do? Or are you just introducing him?

Code The track is overgrown, but visible.

Code The woods open up to a makeshift campsite. An old beaten up taxi and a dead campfire.

Nice description.  8)

P2

Code The area is scanned for signs of life.

Passive voice. Might read better (and sound more exciting) if it read:

Code Becca and Reggie scan the area for signs of life.

Make sure you keep track of who is on and off screen. Then again, this can always vary or be improvised when you actually film it.

Code REGGIE (O.S.) Careful with the camera she says.

Not sure you need this "echo" line, but if you insist on keeping it, it needs a comma.

Code Just had the life scared out of me.

On-the-nose, much?

Code JOE What the hell ya’ll doin’ out ‘er?

Be extremely careful with that dialect. Not for political correctness, but because it could render Joe's dialogue as gibberish. Just write it in simple English and you'll be fine. Leave the dialect to the actor.

You could boil it down to "Could we ask you a few questions?" rather than explaining the whole premise over again.

P3

Code JOE Not interested.

Don't blame him; he's probably seen the worst of these kinds of movies.  :P ;D

Quoted Text Reggie transfers the camera to Becca.

Passive voice.

Code Reggie empties his wallet, counts it.

The money, or the wallet? Also it's "dollars."

"[I'm busy] at the present" sounds a little too literate for this guy.

Becca's dialogue is a bit long, and recaps what we just saw.

You could tidy it up like this:

Code BECCA I’m interested to know Taxi Joe's story. What brought him all the way out here? How he lives day to day? Does he have any hopes or ambitions? Let’s go find out. (to Reggie) How was that?

Now Reggie can call it perfect.

P4

Quoted Text REGGIE (O.S.) I don’t think he’s here. Eighteen bucks well spent.

Subtext.

Quoted Text The camera illuminates the taxi as Becca walks around it.

Passive voice again.

Code Zooms in on the trunk.

Careful with those camera directions. And you can merge the two lines, maybe a semicolon.

P5

Code A WOMAN, 30’s, dressed in hiking apparel lies inside, beaten and bloody. Arm amputated at the elbow.

Nice, vivid description. Could easily be filmed.

Code The camera is lifted.

Another passive. Might want to change it to:

Code Some[one][thing] lifts [or picks up] the camera.

Code The taxi is illuminated by the camera’s light.

This line again. See above.

Final line is another passive.
---

Pretty solid script. I'm impressed.  8) It could still use a few tweaks, as noted above.

Recommend. A- 9/10

I liked it, though I felt like it ended too suddenly.

Thanks to everyone who gave this a read and thanks for the valuable feedback and suggestions.

Hey Warren,
    Nice job with it.  As I said, it was kinda cliched.  And the idea that he eats them is fine, but, the idea that he keeps them alive in the trunk, with limbs missing is unbelievable  to me.

Perhaps they should interview him partially, have us find out he's a former doctor who went through something awful.  

There is so much potential with this story.  

However, you do have kinda one issue.  The first found footage film, Cannibal Holocaust worked because we saw how they found the footage.  In this one, how will the footage ever get found?  He certainly isn't gonna mail it in.  

You could have him watch it, I guess...  Which adds to the creepy factor...

Dan

Hey, Dan.

I’ve started a rewrite.

The found footage has been explained and the way he managed to keep her alive has been addressed, not to the point that it will satisfy everyone but to a point that I’m happy with.

I think if we over analysed every injury every actor ever got in a movie, we would have a lot of movies going nowhere fast. A lot of them would have gone into shock rendering them useless. I do agree that I needed to clean it up though and I have.

Thanks for the extra feedback, appreciated.

This will be resubmitted to the shorts thread soon.

Ummm,
    2 things:
1.  You're welcome.  Glad that I could help you and glad that you liked my advice enough to accept it.  Let me know if you need anything read.

2.  I agree that we can't look at every injury, but. man, she's MISSING AN ARM.  She didn't fracture it, even compound fracture, she's MISSING AN ARM.  She's gonna die unless he tied off her arteries.  

If you ever want to read a really interesting take on "can you eat yourself to death."  Stephen King wrote a story called Survivor Type where he has to eat himself to stay alive.  It's very well written and he said that he consulted a doctor for the entire story.

So, perhaps if she's missing a finger or even a hand, maybe.  Arm?  eh....

It could exist in the land where guns NEVER run out of ammo, all people's lips move one way, but, words in a different language from a voice that couldn't possibly come from that body fill the screen (bad dubs of movies), and porn stars forgetting their lines (I saw a hilarious spoof of that once)...

Dan

The arm has a tourniquet in the rewrite.

In my head it was always there, just never made it to paper.

I was in the military for a long time, I understand how it works when body parts go missing.