Uber as Fast as You Can - OWC

I think you need to indicate that the car got into motion after they all boarded inside. Or did you? Might have missed it.

Anyway,
They said about it being not possible it was the fastest way (or the car being slow). Then they talked about exact same thing again.
Then they started talking about traffic. Then again - about traffic.
I think you could cut some dialog and add some - add texture, differentiate the voices and such.
I understood the idea. It's a sketch. I see you intended it as a comedy sketch. It doesn't sound funny so far, but doesn't mean it won't if you work on it.

Just didn't work. It wasn't funny, and the lines didn't really go anywhere and just ended up in circular conversation which grated after a couple of pages. Yet again I'd probably say this doesn't meet the initial brief as they were never stuck in the taxi.

Well done on entering

Cam

They dont feel trapped at any point and Uber drivers all have names, it tells you it in the app...

I expected something to happen at the end, like the director guy ordering the same Uber or something, but as it was it just petered out.

Sorry didn't work for me.

Nothing like being stuck in traffic to ruin your day

Story wise it felt a little soft with not too much too it. The others characters in the car almost seem redundant, bar one.

The aim of meeting with a director, by chance, also seemed weak. Not sure we could get attached to that.

I would work on being stuck with a real Ticking clock type moment

Pass

Well, uhh, hate to say it but there was no story here. Which might have not been this detrimental, except there are four talking heads doing anything but ahem, 'doing'. Their actions have no effect on the story, we probably would've found more excitement in the restaurant. There just wasn't much here unfortunately, I like the concept of the struggling actress -- but even then, it's hard to latch onto someone who wouldn't be smart enough to judge traffic to presumably one of the most important interviews of her life. It feels a little rushed, one week challenge and all -- needs work.

Writer,

Sorry to say, but nothing really caught my eye here. The Uber driver was very ordinary, impacted by his unique name -- Driver. If Sarah really wanted this role she might've thought about leaving an hour and a half earlier. Within five minutes of being in the car this hot shot director was already paying the check at the restaurant. Now, there are stakes here -- Sarah getting this big role, but I don't care. Sarah isn't much of a character, there's nothing there that makes me pull for her and think, "man, I really hope she gets there. Fuckin traffic!" If you'd have given this more thought, Sarah might've made it there just in time to see this director hopping in his car and taking off. That right there would have given us sympathy for her. Then perhaps, while she's crying on the curb, a stranger takes pity on her -- maybe it just so happens he's a bigger director who catches his eye! I dunno, bad example maybe but it's something.

I'm just gonna figure the deadline was tight and this was thrown together in a hurry. This could've been so much more!

Steve

Quoted from SAC

Writer,

Sorry to say, but nothing really caught my eye here. The Uber driver was very ordinary, impacted by his unique name -- Driver.

Steve

Perhaps it was his name? "Driver, Jack Driver. I'm a, er, driver"

Pity about this one. It started out quite nicely and I felt it has a good flow - but then...it stops. More of an anecdote than a story.

Maybe it would have worked if we'd cut to the restaurant and seen what was happening (this is a low budget idea but that doesn't mean no budget).

I'd also conflate Hudson and Andrea - having two characters doesn't work (and adds to budget).

Sarah's not really trapped - she nearly gets out at one point, so clearly that doesn't fit the challenge.

You could go all post modern and meta and at the end have a Director shout "cut" and we see we're in a movie, and it's just a scene.

Ooh. Like that idea - wish I'd used it for mine!

Anyway, 2 out of 5 - had potential but sadly didn't build on it.

This was kinda boring.  And a lousy ending to boot.

This felt like a sketch rather then a story.

And how in the world can the director eat THAT fast?  I mean he ate a full-course meal in what 30 seconds?  That's impressive.

And what did she really hope to accomplish?  To walk past him and show him how hot she is?  I'm assuming you've lived in Hollywood.  There are tons of women just like her.  Unless she's a 10, the director wouldn't care.

Some of the dialog was pretty bad.

They weren't trapped in the car, they were trapped in a traffic jam.  But, I guess that fits the parameters...

5/10

Dan

SARAH
There's no way that this is the fastest. It's hardly moving!

Kind of a niggle, but I mean, I could guess that the car is moving, but it's never stated in the action. Suggested in the dialogue, but visually I’m left to picture them just sitting talking -- was that the joke?

Okay, it needs work to give us a stronger story -- the idea of a wannabe actress doing anything she can to get the attention of a director's not bad. I'd think about ditching the friends and really ramping up the crazy from Sarah. This is all just too passive to give us anything to care about.

Good luck with it.

Wow...really? Another one where the writing isn't the killer...it's the story...or complete lack thereof, as well as the horrendous dialogue.

Just so completely dull and meaningless...and repetitive.

Maybe you don't understand, but without breaks - new Slugs, this is all pretty much continuous, so this Director is served and eats in less than 3 minutes - ridiculous!

Sorry, but this is very bad and doesn't even meet the challenge requirements, as no one is stuck in the Uber.

Grade - F

No one is stuck at any point, so it doesn’t meet the requirements of the challenge.

“the social”, and “the urgent-mannered” are not character descriptions. How would you film that?

The dialogue is one the nose in a big way.

Nothing much in the way of a story here.

Some notes.

There could be a story roaming around in this one, but as written, it doesn't have one. It's get in the car, ride for a while, repeat over and over that you're an actress, and then go home. I'm firm believer that things happen in stories. Having a few characters talk while moving doesn't quite cut it. And the gal at the restaurant. Can't she lose the order, deliver the wrong thing, delay, delay, delay?

Best
Richard

It was a one beat story lasting ten pages - shake it up.

You have a good premise to work with - a relatively naive actress wannabe and her friend trapped in traffic trying to get to the most important meeting of her life.

But it ends in kind of a kerplop - traffic wins. End of story,

Found the dialogue to be redundant. It may be exactly Californian but that doesn't mean it's interesting.
Don't see anyone trapped in the cab.
Don't see much of a story either.
Sorry. Not my kind of thing.

You should watch out for those I pages (only dialogue). If you want to tell a story like that, the dialogue must be exceptional good, intriguing, breathtaking. I wouldn't rip it to pieces but it simply isn't enough yet.

This would be great for a vomit draft (first draft), then trim all the expositional and on-the-nose dialogue and throw in more actions/visuals to display what characters may be thinking. For this to really land, perhaps an exciting twist at the end would be in order, like Michaela calling back and saying he just told his own driver to take him to someplace in the neighborhood they just came from. Keep at it!

Yip, just not complete. Some of Richards's suggestions sound good. Michaela could be the key to this being a comedy
of errors - her character is under utilized. Have her give him the wrong order, drop his dinner etc. Of, perhaps the Director is coming back their way (on the opposite side of the road) and they're both trapped in traffic jams, and she hops in his car to audition for him or they speak across a dividing lane with horns tooting etc. Just ramp it up. I suspect time was a factor. Plenty of time to rewrite after the challenge with this as a stepping off point. Is Hudson male or female btw?

Did anything happen here? No witty repartee, no twists, no climactic ending. I never thought she was trapped in the cab since she could get out and jog. (I think I know why the cabbies are all identified as DRIVER in this OWC. It's because if the driver had a name, they wouldn't stick out as the driver. it's a clarity thing) Keep writing!

Didn't work for me at all. Can't really think of any specific ways to improve this. Maybe have Sarah be completely off her rocker in a Sunset Boulevard kind of way. Ending with the cab driver fleeing the vehicle in the middle of traffic. I dunno... you need to work on your dialogue a lot. Just keep reading and writing scripts. Keep at it.

Found no real drive in this to keep going but, I kept reading under the assumption it was going somewhere. I get they we're going uptown/downtown to catch up with some potential big wig at some obscure location but, other than that, It got lost in the translation.As it stands, all these characters appear to be stamped from a cookie cutter.

Perhaps, select 4 random cards (character traits) from a Tarot deck and (somehow) trap them in that same Uber on the freeway, then, have that same director coincidentally stuck in traffic right beside them? OK, I'm reaching...

Quoted from MarkItZero

Maybe have Sarah be completely off her rocker in a Sunset Boulevard kind of way. Ending with the cab driver fleeing the vehicle in the middle of traffic.

That made me laugh our loud - funniest image of this entire OWC.

A good premise, beaming with potential let down by dull dialogue and lack of a story. They start a journey with a pressing deadline, miss the deadline, so go back home. That's...dissapointing to say the least.

Also, no-one was trapped in a taxi.

However, you entered, which is more than I did and the script was reasonably written as well as easy to follow.

-Mark

Congrats on entering the OWC. This really isn't a comedy because it just isn't funny, in my opinion. There's not much of a story here, and the dialogue seemed to just drag on to keep the page count up. Not really trapped because with the car not moving much, anyone could get out at any time. I would name the driver also. If you would have had the two in the back seat going at it (sex, fight, etc.), it would have at least had some entertainment value. As it stands, not much. Good luck on the rewrite.

The girls blurred into one character. Might as we'll drop the extra characters; they serve no real purpose.

Dialogue gets dull and redundant; you even repeat the exact same line at one point -- and on the same page not soon after!

Premise: B
Story: B-/C+
Formatting: A
Overall: B-

A soft consider. But needs a good rewrite.

Thanks everyone for reading!

A few of you (Simon, Richard, LC) pointed toward Michaela as what could improve this script, and that's the direction I think I want to go, as it will also fix the time issue and make Sarah feel more stuck.

Addressing the time issue, I figured that it would feel fine, but obviously it didn't.

Addressing whether or not anyone was trapped, I thought I would go a more creative route. In my mind this fit the theme because they are trapped in traffic in a taxi. Obviously some people are more literal than others, I'm not as literal.

I'm debating on whether or not to keep Hudson and Andrea, and I'm leaning towards losing them. They don't need to be there, and they aren't as funny as I thought they would be. With more involvement from Michaela, they become even less necessary.

Hey Hunter,
     I was okay with being trapped in a taxi in a traffic jam.  My offering to the OWC had the same theme.

I think the problem was that we didn't get or feel the sense of urgency to her moment in time.

Maybe if you added other obstacles like a broken heel, torn dress, torn stocking etc.

Or if you decided to make it a dramedy or suspense/drama as if this is her last chance.  Perhaps the person at the restaurant tells her that she got the director to interview her, but, she has to make it there in 10 min.

Something.  Perhaps more intercuts or phone calls.  Something to show that her chance is dwindling away second by second.

You were tied down by the challenge of the OWC.  If you rewrite it, you won't have that limitation of being trapped in a taxi and can really delve into the story.

Dan

Ps, what I mean by that is that you don't have to keep her in the taxi.  She might get out of the taxi and start running.  Or get hit, or shot, or something.  The OWC wasn't great for tension because we KNOW she will fail the second she gets in.  Make it more ambiguous about how it will end.

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