Go Long by Dr. Steven Brule

Forced into marriage with a man she does not love, a young woman discovers her husband has a secret which puts her at risk.  8 pages

Short Gothic Horror based on Bluebeard

The second script I've read and this one too has lots of typos. I'm sure you'll catch them next time you go over the script.

I was confused by the tribespeople. What kind of tribe? How would I know what their traditional dress looks like when we don't know what tribe they are?

Story is simple enough and I can imagine the horror of having to share a bed with an old hairy guy when you're young.

Perhaps this story needs to be longer. I wanted more. I wanted to know what happens. How is she going to deal with the situation?

You have some weird writing for a couple of pages there where you have just one sentence on each line. Action is sometimes written that was, but it was misused here. IMO.

With a rewrite after the feedback, I'm sure this can be great.  :)

You only used 6 and a bit pages out of your allotted 10 and I do feel like there was a lot more story to give.

I would have liked to have known what happened.

It has a few typos and grammar issues that need fixing.

The story is okay but it left me wanting so it's a pass from me.

First, I'd like to remark that if the title of this screenplay is a reference to the Joanna Newsom song (which I suspect it is, given the source), then you've earned some points in my book.

That being said, I don't think Barbe quite does the story justice. It seems the only negative aspects of his character are that he's old and ugly, neither of which qualify him as a killer. I would toy around with his relationship with Elsie a bit. See if you can't make him more menacing through his interactions with her. Show the audience something that will help them to believe he has killed all these women.

I'm also not a fan of the opening scene. I don't feel it accomplishes anything that couldn't be done more effectively through the narrative. I would work to devise a more organic means of introducing the audience to the garden shed. Maybe Barbe spends an inordinate amount of time inside it and Elsie is curious. It's just a small shed, after all. What could he possibly be doing? Maybe Elsie asks him about it and he becomes angry with her. Menacing.

Anyway, you've got a good start here, but I feel the story could stand some restructuring.

The writers are supposed to remain anonymous. That's why I deleted your post.  :)

Not heard of the fairytale before but decent choice.

I have to say I was lost in what time period this was - one minute tribes people, a gothic Victorian house and then off on business and concrete walls - all throw up different periods of time to me

It had a creepy vibe but it fell short in terms of story.

As an aside, when I saw the name Barbe, I thought it was female !

One to work on

I recognize the name Bluebeard, and know a marginal bit about his dealings, but other than that I went into this story with no expectations.
Some of what Bill had to say struck me in the same way. I too thought Barbe's early VO was a female voice.
Likewise, the Victorian setting vs. something modern had me perplexed.
I also wasn't sure where the first dream sequence ended, so I had to double back.
While the shed was interesting, I think you can do better at creating mystery. Teasing us with what it houses.
One of the problems I had with Barbe is that he's repulsive. So, the revealing his business in the end doesn't surprise me. He is exactly what he is. No mystery there. Oh well, this is a OWC script and you've done a decent job of throwing your version out there. It does need more story and more cleverness to build on it finale. But I think for what may be a time-constraint script, it is worthy of a re-write.

This was a good concept, but definitely lacking depth. This seemed to just hit on the basic notes, but nothing else.

I didn't really care for Elsie either. She didn't really have a voice. I started to care when she found the bodies and ran out of there, but then it cut back to a very monotonic end - which would have been fine, if I cared throughout the entire read - it would have fit nicely.

The keys? Significance of the keys being left behind?

I agree with Reef on all points - those were my first thoughts too - I thought Barbe was a woman.

All in all - good attempt, but not quite there.

Writer,

Read the source material. As for your script, there's just simply not enough to go on here in regards to making this an understandable, cohesive story that stands on its own. Basically, without reading the Bluebeard tale, a reader would find himself lost as to what, where and why in your script. There's no explanation for anything really. We need to know, at least a little backstory of Barbe and his bride and the women he's murdered. Without all that, this story doesn't have much going for it. Sorry, and hope you understand. The writing is good, story is lacking.

Steve

2 more to go..hope to be bale to give lots of details here.

Opening passage is poor.  3 lines ending in an orphan for very little information.

Another orphan in the 3rd passage.

Oh boy...a dream sequence?  "PALANQUIN" - Never heard that term before.  Of Indian origin, huh?  OK...

Tribespeople?  From what tribe?  What is traditional clothing look like for this tribe?

A sytar is now playing OS?  OK, great, but what is a sytar?  You mean a "sitar"

"is carried"  another orphan.  Damn...

So, here's the problem with formatting a dream or Flashback the way you attempted to - when the Flashback/dream runs longer than a single Slug, you have a problem, and here you definitely do, unless the dream is now over and she's actually being married in present time...no clue.

You described Elsie as being in her "20's", but now with Nina, you say "fifties" - use actual numbers for this and be consistent...100% consistent.

When you go to a BLACK SCREEN, you're basically FADING OUT, so you need to FADE back IN.

"Elsie lays in bed." - no...peeps "lie" in bed.  Learn the rules.

Why all the CAPPING?

Barge is a dude or a bearded lady?

I'm very confused about that dream sequence now...is this still a dream or was the dream simply being on the palanquin with the sitar playing?

Oh boy, so we get to see Barbe standing there buttass naked and see his hairy balls?  Really?

If they are under the covers as you said, we're not going to be able to see his hand on her breast.

"her self" - "herself"

"stainless steel refrigerator" - so we're in modern times, then I assume?

Page 4 - "a ghostly woman crawling"  WTF?

Page 5 - "THE GARDEN SHED" followed by "INT. GARDEN SHED"

And another dream sequence to wrap things up.

I don't get it, really.  You decided to leave out most of the source material, which makes this script make little to no sense.

Writing is a problem throughout.

Grades

Challenge parameters - D

Script/Story/Execution - D

Writer,

You've got the space to expand this well beyond the final effort on the page, shame really there isn't more. Personally speaking I found it a tough read in the way that it seemed rather disjointed, and there didn't seem to be any real rhythm to it.

The actual characters were a bit sparse, and given there's space to expand them, well you could have really built something that led to a really punchy ending.

I struggled to follow this one. I thought Barbe was female at first and this was set in the past. I was wrong on both counts.

I had no idea what the dream sequences is about or why this woman was forced to marry someone she detested.

The scene with the ghost and then the follow-up in the shed was strong but ended abruptly and yet you had several pages left to explore.

A pass from me.

-Mark

Not a striking title I'd say.

This reads more like a short story than a short film. There's too few definite stuff for me here, but rather things felt vague throughout the plot. A lot of problems with beats and plotting.

Nevertheless, there also were several cool moments in here, f.i. the closet scene.

I'm thinking it's just the beginning of the story.
SHe's forced to marry a guy she doesn't love.

Then she learns the gruesome secret.

Now she needs to fight him. And your story begins. If you rewrite you don't even have to cut, well maybe some - very little to get to the meat faster. She needs to do something about it.

Otherwise it's about her learning a secret and not doing anything about it. And that's not fun.

This started off a little slow but, had a nice serene atmosphere to it that played well with the overall theme. The tale actually put me in mind of "What Lies Beneath" with Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer, wherein the ghost of a woman haunts her home... a woman her husband murdered. Curious if that script was conceived via this Bluebeard tale as well.

The fact Barbe is hairy does not really paint a picture of him being grotesque, not in the sense of him being a monster but, I understand it being a visual cue that's easy to convey and, I'm not sure how else to quickly relay the information of Elsie being repulsed... perhaps that line works best here to put us in her state of mind.

"The BRIDAL WALTZ plays through a stereo, somewhere."

Not sure this would fit in with an East Indian wedding ensemble, seems out of place...

Midway the tension picked up and I cruised through the pages with ease. I liked the overall concept you incorporated into the script, however, after I read original tale it's apparent you didn't even attempt to deviate from its form. Not that it's an entirely bad thing but, changing it up so we don't know what's around the corner always makes it more suspenseful.

Writing's good, IMO and, I really liked the atmosphere this was throwing off. I envisioned the Barbe Manor perpetually surrounded by a thin vapor of fog and snowflakes... falling on the garden like a layer of ash. Best of luck...

Doctor Steven Brule? Nice to see another fan, "ya dingus".

The dream sequence is just a confusing thing to tie all this together, not entirely sure what it means and what it's entailing. I'd clear that up. There's a lack of meat and actual story here that makes the read stilted. It's simple, which isn't bad, but there's not much to latch onto. A woman finds a garden shed full of dead bodies after her forced marriage -- done, nothing more, nothing less. Maybe there's a little more meaning in the original fairy tale, but I just don't see it here. Which is a shame, because I was really enjoying it up until the anti-climatic ending. It feels like pages are missing, both from the ending and from the actual story. A nice effort, but didn't quite hit the mark.

Notes:
Looks like you started out your script like mine.  You have a character speaking that hasn’t been introduced yet.  My thinking is that you might mention them in the description before they speak.  Like:

Elsie stares ahead, at the garden shed. Furrows her brow.  BARBE’s (40s), stern voice still rings in her head even though he’s not there.

I missed this in my script as well.  Easy fix though, but since you really don’t introduce this person until much later, you do need this before he speaks – even voice over.

A lot of passive writing (coming to a rest, heading to the shed).  On rewrite, look for all of these.  Then, we went into a dream sequence that I didn’t know we came out of.  I’m thinking that the dream sequence doesn’t go in the slug, and when it’s done we need to know that as well.  

Pg. 3 walk-in closet.

Pg. 5 Elsie, in panicked breaths, seems to calm.  Doesn’t read well.

And done.  Not sure about the BLACK SCREEN stuff.  I feel it’s not necessary.  Then you go from that to the keys in blood, so not sure that reads correctly.  I think I know how you’re wanting the shot to look like but we shouldn’t have to figure it out.  

Reading the original tale, this one doesn’t finish where the story goes.  Once the keys are found in blood, she reveals to her sister what she saw.  Then, the man discovers the keys and threatens to kill the wife and sister.  He is instead killed by brother-in-laws, etc.  

So, this needs rewrites and the story, including the ending, should be more clear.  Good luck with this one and congrats on getting an entry completed.

Met Challenge?: Yes, but not finished.
Horror: Yes, in the discovery of the room.
Overall: Once the story is complete, and passive writing fixed, could be better.  Pass.

I wasn't, and am still not sure what period this is set in, and seemed to have elements of Beauty and the Beast as well as Bluebeard... but...

I quite liked what there was here, but like some of the other comments I think there could have been more... perhaps a re-write and expansion would elevate this one.

Anthony

Some notes.

A bit of confusion on this one.  The flash forward seems a bit much but the horror is good enough.  Needs a bit more.

Best
Richard

Your FADE IN is right aligned with no colon? Bad start.

Bold slugs.

First paragraph is an orphan.

Another orphan.

I take it, from the dialogue, Barbe is Bluebeard?

Quoted Text [Elsie] keeps heading towards the shed.

This would have eliminated some of the confusion that other writers have noted.

Had to Google "palanquin."

So, like stereotypical tribal clothing?

"Sitar." Because it's a guitar-like instrument that has to be played SITTING down.

Quoted Text Elsie is carried, slowly, with great ritual, down a dirt path. At the end of the dirt path sits a WEDDING ARCH.

Merge these two paragraphs.

When does the flashback end? Try this:

Quoted Text BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE. EXT. FIELD - DAY

Then when the dream sequence is over...

Quoted Text END [OF] DREAM SEQUENCE.

...before the next slug, I'm guessing BLACK SCREEN.

You're going for that R rating, aren't you? ;D

"Herself."

For these next few scenes, I think a full slug would work better.

They had fridges back then? What year is this?

A smiley. Must be very recent.

Help us out. What novel? Are we talking The Tale of Two Lovers, The Three Musketeers or... Fifty Shades of Grey?

Quoted Text a the

Pick one.

I'm on page 4 of 7; I think I can survive.

At this point, I'm speeding up my reading, not necessarily skimming. You've finally gotten to the good part.

"Fumbles with the keys.

Puts it in the lock."

Well, I read the whole thing and it picked up. Honestly, if you had scrapped everything before she went to the shed, you'd have a far better script.

Pass.

Challenge/Parameters: B
First half of story: C-/D+
Second half: B
Formatting/Technical: D
Overall: C-

Thanks everyone who read this! I'll respond to you all individually soon :)