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First, I'd like to remark that if the title of this screenplay is a reference to the Joanna Newsom song (which I suspect it is, given the source), then you've earned some points in my book.
That being said, I don't think Barbe quite does the story justice. It seems the only negative aspects of his character are that he's old and ugly, neither of which qualify him as a killer. I would toy around with his relationship with Elsie a bit. See if you can't make him more menacing through his interactions with her. Show the audience something that will help them to believe he has killed all these women.
I'm also not a fan of the opening scene. I don't feel it accomplishes anything that couldn't be done more effectively through the narrative. I would work to devise a more organic means of introducing the audience to the garden shed. Maybe Barbe spends an inordinate amount of time inside it and Elsie is curious. It's just a small shed, after all. What could he possibly be doing? Maybe Elsie asks him about it and he becomes angry with her. Menacing.
Anyway, you've got a good start here, but I feel the story could stand some restructuring.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I recognize the name Bluebeard, and know a marginal bit about his dealings, but other than that I went into this story with no expectations. Some of what Bill had to say struck me in the same way. I too thought Barbe's early VO was a female voice. Likewise, the Victorian setting vs. something modern had me perplexed. I also wasn't sure where the first dream sequence ended, so I had to double back. While the shed was interesting, I think you can do better at creating mystery. Teasing us with what it houses. One of the problems I had with Barbe is that he's repulsive. So, the revealing his business in the end doesn't surprise me. He is exactly what he is. No mystery there. Oh well, this is a OWC script and you've done a decent job of throwing your version out there. It does need more story and more cleverness to build on it finale. But I think for what may be a time-constraint script, it is worthy of a re-write.
This was a good concept, but definitely lacking depth. This seemed to just hit on the basic notes, but nothing else.
I didn't really care for Elsie either. She didn't really have a voice. I started to care when she found the bodies and ran out of there, but then it cut back to a very monotonic end - which would have been fine, if I cared throughout the entire read - it would have fit nicely.
The keys? Significance of the keys being left behind?
I agree with Reef on all points - those were my first thoughts too - I thought Barbe was a woman.
Read the source material. As for your script, there's just simply not enough to go on here in regards to making this an understandable, cohesive story that stands on its own. Basically, without reading the Bluebeard tale, a reader would find himself lost as to what, where and why in your script. There's no explanation for anything really. We need to know, at least a little backstory of Barbe and his bride and the women he's murdered. Without all that, this story doesn't have much going for it. Sorry, and hope you understand. The writing is good, story is lacking.
2 more to go..hope to be bale to give lots of details here.
Opening passage is poor. 3 lines ending in an orphan for very little information.
Another orphan in the 3rd passage.
Oh boy...a dream sequence? "PALANQUIN" - Never heard that term before. Of Indian origin, huh? OK...
Tribespeople? From what tribe? What is traditional clothing look like for this tribe?
A sytar is now playing OS? OK, great, but what is a sytar? You mean a "sitar"
"is carried" another orphan. Damn...
So, here's the problem with formatting a dream or Flashback the way you attempted to - when the Flashback/dream runs longer than a single Slug, you have a problem, and here you definitely do, unless the dream is now over and she's actually being married in present time...no clue.
You described Elsie as being in her "20's", but now with Nina, you say "fifties" - use actual numbers for this and be consistent...100% consistent.
When you go to a BLACK SCREEN, you're basically FADING OUT, so you need to FADE back IN.
"Elsie lays in bed." - no...peeps "lie" in bed. Learn the rules.
Why all the CAPPING?
Barge is a dude or a bearded lady?
I'm very confused about that dream sequence now...is this still a dream or was the dream simply being on the palanquin with the sitar playing?
Oh boy, so we get to see Barbe standing there buttass naked and see his hairy balls? Really?
If they are under the covers as you said, we're not going to be able to see his hand on her breast.
"her self" - "herself"
"stainless steel refrigerator" - so we're in modern times, then I assume?
Page 4 - "a ghostly woman crawling" WTF?
Page 5 - "THE GARDEN SHED" followed by "INT. GARDEN SHED"
And another dream sequence to wrap things up.
I don't get it, really. You decided to leave out most of the source material, which makes this script make little to no sense.
Writing is a problem throughout.
Challenge parameters - D
Script/Story/Execution - D
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
You've got the space to expand this well beyond the final effort on the page, shame really there isn't more. Personally speaking I found it a tough read in the way that it seemed rather disjointed, and there didn't seem to be any real rhythm to it.
The actual characters were a bit sparse, and given there's space to expand them, well you could have really built something that led to a really punchy ending.
This started off a little slow but, had a nice serene atmosphere to it that played well with the overall theme. The tale actually put me in mind of "What Lies Beneath" with Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer, wherein the ghost of a woman haunts her home... a woman her husband murdered. Curious if that script was conceived via this Bluebeard tale as well.
The fact Barbe is hairy does not really paint a picture of him being grotesque, not in the sense of him being a monster but, I understand it being a visual cue that's easy to convey and, I'm not sure how else to quickly relay the information of Elsie being repulsed... perhaps that line works best here to put us in her state of mind.
"The BRIDAL WALTZ plays through a stereo, somewhere."
Not sure this would fit in with an East Indian wedding ensemble, seems out of place...
Midway the tension picked up and I cruised through the pages with ease. I liked the overall concept you incorporated into the script, however, after I read original tale it's apparent you didn't even attempt to deviate from its form. Not that it's an entirely bad thing but, changing it up so we don't know what's around the corner always makes it more suspenseful.
Writing's good, IMO and, I really liked the atmosphere this was throwing off. I envisioned the Barbe Manor perpetually surrounded by a thin vapor of fog and snowflakes... falling on the garden like a layer of ash. Best of luck...