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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Big Bad Wolf - OWC
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  Author    Big Bad Wolf - OWC  (currently 1863 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Big Bad Wolf by Nualláin

When a hungry wolf destroys their straw and brick houses, two little pigs take refuge in a brick house built by another little pig.  Can the little pigs keep themselves safe from the big bad wolf in the brick house?

Short Supernatural Horror based on The Three Little Pigs


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Well enough written but the majority of the story is an exact re-write of the original, apart from the new names...


SPOILERS
The twist is okay but saw it coming and a werepig

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Warren
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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So this is really that much of a retelling, it's mostly the exact same story with a slight twist.

The twist isn't enough to make it a great story unfortunately.

The writting is solid, so no issues there.

Overall it's a pass from me.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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So it's the actual story up until the last 2 pages. Not very creative and the twist was ok.
Not sure how the other Pigs never knew he was a Werewolf/pig thingy.

The written was solid


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Ok, it's already been said about retelling the original, which I think can be tolerated if we then get  a clever twist. After all that would be a re telling of the original story.

I'm just not sure on the weird wolf creature thing.

I like the idea of them being locked in with a nut case whilst the wolf is outside. That would be cracking tension, so I think that's where I would take this, but rather than a creature just a demented pig.

All the best


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StevenClark
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Pretty decent idea here for something animated. However, if you ask me, perhaps you should have made the pigs human, made them with flaws that echo real life. Then you could've had some real fun with this. But that's just me and I'm sorry for mentioning that because you obviously went for something different. I guess what I'm trying to say is this has potential to be more original than it is. And even with the twist you provided, it still lacks something to give it a boost that makes it stand out from the rest.

Steve


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Conz
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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right out of the gate, i like that you gave the pigs names.

a werepig?!

... sure.  why not.  short, and it got the point across.  not bad.  the dialogue in the brick house wasn't great, but overall i appreciate this one.  I think I like it because it took all of 2 minutes to read.

i mean outside of Sausage's secret, you basically adapted the story from the page, but whatever, it was short and sweet.  solid.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Interesting.

Choosing to write the original almost to the T, including the classic wolf's dialogue was a HUGE mistake, IMO, and extremely lazy.

Ending the way you did was very smart.

I don't think you should have had pigs and you definitely should have changed things up with the dialogue.  And if you did those things, you'd have a winner on your hands...at least in terms of concept.

Writing ain't bad,, but is very simplistic, has some incorrect punctuation, lots of orphans, and nothing that really calls out, "I'm a good writer".  What I'm saying, is that some tone and mood induction would have also helped.

It's a good effort, but won't go down as much more than that because of e above.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - B (could easily have been an A, if you just switched things up more)

Script/Story/Execution - B- (also could have been an A with a few tweaks and some mood and tone).


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khamanna
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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I didn't understand the third pig's words - that he build the house so he can't get out.

At the end he turns into a werewolf - hopefully I'm correct.

You basically retold the story and gave it a horrific twist. There's not much drama which is okay. There's no memorable dialog either which is okay as well.
I guess I want more. Something...
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Three little pigs, BACON, PORKCHOP and SAUSAGE build houses


Dammit.....now I'm hungry!  

I laughed a  couple times through this read, once when reading the pig's names and the other when Sausage told them he built this house so he couldn't get out.... the names are creative and that line cracked me up for some reason.

This pretty much follows the original up until the end so one could easily skim through the starting without getting lost, I think you should tweak the start regarding Sausage, perhaps have him all twitchy or just "not right" making the others suspect something is off and make the more reluctant to enter his superior house despite having a hungry wolf on their tails.

Anyways, liked the twist at the end, good job on this.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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Title: In this case, I'd find it better if you name it after the pigs. It's just clearer because there are so many werewolf stories, fairytales, and all that. The little-pigs-story always felt like a modern and very specific tale with lots of empathy you could directly channel toward your screenplay with a title.

Your words look good on the page, tidy and organized. It's a quick read. I appreciate that.

That Sausage plays games with his "friends" wasn't any surprise due to his dialogues. Having Sausage morph into a big wolf-like figure wasn't that creative for my taste. There already is one wolf in your story. There was no true development why another wolf...

I think it's visually too unfocused. I didn't really saw it and haven't understood how you meant it to be seen. The only way I can imagine it, is as a Cartoon Horror, what would be pretty cool. It lacks surprise and plot yet, although it's still a sweet tale to follow as written here and positively reminds me of that famous story for sure. Decent work.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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I see the document name for this script is Swine. I think that's a much better title.

Naming the pigs after pork food products made me think this was a pisser at the beginning. It is well written and easy to follow but as soon as I tweaked this was simply a word-for-word retelling I skimmed through to the last scene.

If Sausage built the house to stop him from getting out, how come he had the key and let the others in? I know this is a fairy tale but that seemed really silly to me.

The Werepig thing was a nice touch but not enough to rescue this in my opinion. A pass.

-Mark


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EWall433
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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More a horror/parody than horror, but this one is pretty good. It spent a little too much time being a straight retelling, and could use more humor in the beginning to help it along, but I did like the twist at the end, plus it doesn't overstay it's welcome.
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MarkItZero
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Well written for the most part but I'm not a fan of adaptions that are basically straight retellings of the original. Which is mostly why I hated Watchmen. You did throw in a clever twist at the end but for the first four pages I knew exactly what was gonna happen. Let your imagination go wild!


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Nomad
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Let's see:

  • Well written?  Check.
  • Easy to follow?  Check.
  • Entertaining?  Check.


I like this one.  

Maybe it's because I was able to fly through it since it was similar to the original.
Maybe it's because it was simple with a twist.

Regardless.  I'm a fan.

I wasn't expecting some life altering story arc after all.

I'm not pretentious enough to analyze how the motivations of the wolf insinuate his father was and abusive cross dressing alcoholic who would beat him with a 9 inch stiletto, nor how the symbolism of pig's building materials reflect on the current state of public school lunches in the greater Detroit metro area.

The pigs were named after pork products for God's sake.

Jordan


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