Peter - just a one page quickie view.
1. I loved the opening scene with the changing sky as the mood deteriorates - perfect.
2. Descriptive passages are too long - break them up into smaller bite sized chunks (you really do lose a reader around 4 lines - they start skimming. e.g., this:
Quoted Text Tilt down to STEPHANIE WILKES, a MID 20’s female - the
typical “girl next door” and unlucky in love, stands in the
downpour at the entrance to a pier, she has no coat, no
umbrella and is soaking wet. The pier is empty of any other
people. There is a flash of lightning and a rumble of
thunder, STEPH looks up at the dark clouds, the rain
splashes her face. DAMIEN UNDERHILL, late 20’s male, thin
and weedy his black hair plastered to his forehead by the
rain - a possible relative of “Norman Bates”, appears at
her side equally wet.
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Needs some trimming and needs to be broken up.
You also have an unfilmable - (unlucky in love) - your choice - but really no way to shoot that and some inefficiencies (e.g., you don't need to see she is a female - we know). I'd also lose the camera directions. Something like:
EXT. SEASIDE PIER - DAY
Pouring rain. No one there except for STEPHANIE WILKES, (mid 20’s), typical “girl next door” standing in the downpour at the entrance to a pier. She has no coat, no
umbrella and is soaking wet.
A flash of lightning and the rumble of
thunder draws Steph's attention to the dark clouds. The rain
splashes her face.
DAMIEN UNDERHILL, late 20’s male, thin
and weedy his black hair plastered to his forehead by the
rain - a possible relative of “Norman Bates”, appears at
her side equally wet.
The point being - bit size chunks make the read easier - less dense.
Best of luck