Fifty by One Ugly Dame - Short, Thriller - When a mysterious Girl shows up in California looking to complete her lifelong obsession, a well known Psychiatrist fights to change her mind. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A very common mistake early on - "...peers out of the window..." - Lose the "of".

"Dr. Allen peeks at her phone.  Katrina catches her, raises an eyebrow inquisitively.  She plops on a brown leather couch across from Dr. Allen." - This passage starts off on Dr. Allen, then goes to Katrina. Should be 2 separate passages.  Keep your passages broken up by thought, description, subject, or action.

Page 7 - "lays" - should be "lies" peeps and animals "lie", inanimate things "lay".

Some typos here and there, some missing commas in dialogue, but overall, well written.

Dialogue is also good, but there's just too much of it and makes this a very slow read

Story is well crafted, well put together, and well thought out.  I also enjoyed the ending.

This a good effort all the way around and easily my favorite of the 6 I've read.

Good job!

Very very talky and while most of it was well written, I found myself losing interest in the story and the characters towards the end. you need to break up the long bits of dialogue as it slowed the script down for me.

I pretty much got the intent and it was well crafted. Just needs to be trimmed.

By the way, I had NFBI what a chachkie was and had to google it lol

I always love a good serial killer story. This one I was worried you were headed into Aileen Wournos territory and threw a bit of lack of pattern into the mix. But as I read I realized I was wrong.

There is a lot of dialogue but I am a firm believer of 'Action in the Dialogue' which was here so didn't bug me too much.

Also did they leave the office it seemed like it...I gotta go back and re-read. Enjoyed.

Overall - very solid. Liked the story. Like the writing. Liked the ending.  There is one change in tone I would suggest and this is emblematic of it.

Quoted Text DR. ALLEN We don’t have to discuss that, if—

A false beat for me – she’s a shrink. Doesn’t seem natural that she would derail something a patient wanted to talk about. It should be just the opposite – drawing it out from the patient. I would find this story even more compelling if in the beginning there was more drawing out by the Doctor and more reluctance by the patient as she sizes the Doc up for suitability as number 50.

Anyway - excellent work.

Writer,

Interesting piece. Very dialogue heavy, something a couple good actors could really sink their teeth into. Not sure how much I liked this really. It seemed to run on for too long - I think a trim is definitely in order. The ending I did not find satisfying, but I guess I don't know where else you could have taken this one after the build up you provided. Pretty good for a weeks work, although I think it falls a little short for my tastes. But good anyway!

Steve

It was okay, interesting.  Quite a lot of chitchat.  I think this story could be achieved with fewer pages.  Or the chitchat might not have been so obvious if perhaps a distraction like a flashback that explains how Katrina came to hear about the story between the doctor and her daughter.

It's not often I see italics and underlined words in scripts...

I do love a good shrink story.

Look, this was a fair effort for a week, and I always appreciate a contained script - bravo

I found the link with daughter weak, but the concept sound.

A scared woman on a revenge road trip, I liked.

I suppose it need more linkage for the final one, but that can be sorted.

Well done.

I'm noticing a pattern...I must say.

Hey,
Very nice work.
Although I dId want to skim through pages 9 and 10. Could come some of it or add texture to their conversation - otherwise they are just screaming at each other there and it's not very convincing.
Loved the script though.
The daughter part - not a fan of Katrina choosing such a weak victim, I mean why would she go for someone giving up on her daughter, that's not a real crime in my op. Maybe something you'd want to work on. Or not)

A doctor who takes a call mid session? That would annoy me. It would likely annoy an unbalanced person too.. Very unprofessional. Also psychiatrists don't as a rule reveal names of their children, personal lives to patients. It would be far more effective that Katrina revealed: 'your daughter's name is Ellie, right? ' That would establish prior obsession too.

'Good one! That was a chick!
Number thirty one, Chelsea Weekes.
Swindled her best friend’s life
savings. Poor girl shot herself a
month later. Sadly, Chelsea also
ended up “committing suicide” wink
wink. ..'

This seems like a bit of a flimsy motive for murder imh.

Also, beware of this:

DR. ALLEN
You had mentioned your childhood
dream was to travel, no?

KATRINA
...
Seems a bit hypocritical, no?

If you use the same pattern of speech, idiosyncracy, with both characters it tends to appear as more of a writer trademark in dialogue.

Also, If I were watching I might just find the story a little too familiar and maybe a bit corny. She's a psychopath. I can't imagine she'd kill herself at this point. I know you went for the unexpected flip but I don't get why she'd do it unless the 'obsession' with this psychiatrist has been established. It seems like her first visit. I'd set the history of that obsession up more.

Not bad.  I liked the elephant line.

Thank you for not going the Lesbian killer/Physician route targeted to a male audience.

I thought this was OK,  pushing good.

It was far too talky for my tastes and there was more than a few false beats along the way.  Nothing insurmountable.

I don't know.  It wasn't bad. I feel it needs another angle in it somewhere,  another layer to make it stand out more.

I couldn't figure out for the life of me why she would choose a celebrity shrink to end on.  I thought there could have been better options for her final victim.  I would have been so turned off had she actually killed her.  Based on your story, I don't think she would even be there.  In my opinion she would have stayed with killing bad people.  So in the end, I was pleased that she ended up taking her own life.  That seemed a little more realistic to me than killing the psychiatrist.

Anyway, it wasn't too bad overall.    

Nolan

Writer,

It was alright, not exceptional, just alright.

Technically the piece seemed sound, so no complaints there, but the pacing shoots up to 100 miles an hour when the gun is pulled and attempts to stay there for the remainder, which for me doesn't work.

Also the dialogue, deary me so much dialogue!! Seriously, there's no harm in a shorter and snappier piece, and this is a prime example of this where you could basically take out 2 pages, and just make it a better read.

Anyway, well written, interesting premise, went on for too long

Cam

I think this was a little over talky and I almost skimmed last page or so... but it's well written and I liked the idea of the 50 state killer, even if her motives were a little ropey on some of her chosen victims.

I think this could lose a page quite easily and be tightened a little.

Decent effort,

Too long for my tastes and a bit too talk. I am all for dialogue, but it has to keep going. Too much of the same thing.  But it bad.

In the opening dialogue, Katrina was clearly driving the discussion establishing her strength and pulling the gun definitely puts Patrice back on her high heels as the next and presumably last victim.

Patrice's verbal counter to Katrina wasn't quite strong enough to overcome this setup. She's heard the arguments before if she listened. A chink in Katrina's armor is needed for Patrice to exploit. The "I almost had a daughter" remark might be that chink.

You don't need to start a short script with an establishing shot. That can be added later.

Katrina turns psycho at the flip of a dime. It comes out of left field.

Dr. Allen doesn't do or say anything which makes me convinced Katrina will change her mind and shoot herself instead. The Doctor needs to do more and use her psychiatric training to break through Katrina's opinions, make her question everything she has done and believes in. This needs to be more of a cat and mouse chase with dialogue.

However, this isn't bad at all for a OWC but I started drifting with all the chatter. A couple of visual flashbacks wouldn't go amiss and/or Katrina actually doing something shocking to break up the words and give the eyes something to do. Someone drifting while reading a script is a bad sign, I had to focus and work to get through the last three pages.

A decent entry though, has the potential to be excellent with a good re-write outside the confines of this challenge.  

-Mark

Unanimous on being too talky but it's one of my favorites so far. A page or two trimmed, and I think you have something here. I think I started skimming near the end so I may have missed something something about Ellie. I'll go back and check.

Good dialogue, just too much. Good job.

Solid title
Good logline – one more specific aspect could be there but it's good

P4 okay full dialogue scenario until now – works fine

A little action sets in

P6 –
"I know. I only kill those who have wronged
women in some way. Rapists.
Pedophiles. Abusers. The real
scum of the Earth."

Get earlier to that point. The back and forth before was dragging.

The dialogue is qualified in fact but it cannot replace movement and activity. You got far too many dialogues here. Get precision into that and choose which dialogues truly move the story along and with that you'll reach even much more context and strength in the remaining, fewer words spoken. The clever dialogues that define character can only be used so and so often, the rest must push Forward, constantly. Style does not payoff everything.

Then there's finally some action and movement again. Too late.

Far too many endless monologues here and I cannot imagine how this could work on screen. Imo, the script should be excessively trimmed in this regard. The story in the background was all right and very interesting. So all in all still a solid job.

I loved the first five pages with the back and forth giving us little bits and pieces about her character. I definitely got the sense she was damaged, that there was something more behind her little quips, but the serial killer thing kind of threw me for a loop.

I dunno... the moment she pulled a gun the tension went out of the room and it was mostly just her monologuing about her previous kills. Obviously, you had to make it a thriller for the challenge. And you definitely can pull off good dialogue. I wonder if this story could be taken in a different direction in the future. More of an actual drama.  

Before we start, I have my own confession to make: The only Patrice I know of is the late (male) comedian and VH1 fixture Patrice O'Neal, so I struggled picturing a "Patrice" as a woman. I pictured Viola Davis until Katrina mentioned Meryl Streep.

"Barton" reminds me of Mischa Barton, but I figured, why can't the actors be black? So I went back and forth between b&w.

This was expertly written, definitely a seasoned pro. I would have trimmed some of the dialogue. Of at least broken it up with a action.

Toward the end, I kinda saw the twist coming, but didn't think about the window. Damn, you set it up in the opening shot! Bonus points there!

Great job.

The scenario has potential, but this was way too talky. It also felt like the motivations were being made up on the fly and as a result not always believable.

It salvages a lot with the ending. There's some decent emotion in the doctor’s regrets about her daughter and the way it raises doubts in the killer. But I think you need more time with these characters to figure how you get them there in a more convincing way.

I enjoyed this a lot.  Yes, there are some technical errors, and your choice of Patrice for a woman's name was very very odd, but, overall, this was solid.

One of the better.

It was a bit too talkie and not enough action.  I think the issue here is that you have this incredibly tense dialog, but, the action they take around it seems non-violent.  Perhaps if you have her

SPOILERS
more "in your face" and threatening with the gun, you'd really "up" the tension.  

Also, I had 2 issues:

1.  How does a transient like Katrina get an appointment with a famous shrink?  I mean, it'd take weeks, or longer to get in.  

2.  How does she do research on her victims?  It's almost like she has insider knowledge.  And to be honest, comparing the shrink to rapists, pedophiles, etc does seem off.  

I'd like to know what crime the doc's daughter did to deserve that long of a sentence.  I think we need to know.

Overall, solid.  Nice job.

Dan

Lots of good stuff in here. The writer is obviously very talented as the actions is easy to follow and descriptive while the story is interesting and well thought out. Something as simple as an elephant is constantly woven into the story in a way that's smart and makes sense. I liked the ending as well, very satisfying as Dr. Allen almost becomes the patient and Katrina the Dr. in a nice role reversal.

There is a lot of dialogue and for the most part, it's quite good. Katrina is witty and deranged in her own way, but she knows it. Dr. Allen's breakdown at the end was handled well, though seemed a bit sudden. But given the space constraints understandable.

I had a fav before, but this is now it. VERY STRONG story and execution. Great job!

Not sure why peeps are questioning the name of Patrice for a female.

From wiki - "Patrice is a given name meaning noble or patrician, related to the names Patrick and Patricia.

In English, Patrice is often a feminine first name. In French it is used as a masculine first name.

good notes.

as for my reply?  your guess is as good as mind.  I wanted her to come across as unhinged, and i wanted her to be a hypocrite with a goal.  b/c lets be real, sending your junkie daughter to prison isn't bad.  if this was 20 pages, there would be flashbacks of kills, a bit more story telling, more action and Katrina just getting fidgety trying to just get 50, so the doctor would have been kind of a "fuck it, she'll do."  also, the doctor would have talked her down more while pleading for her life... i don't even know what I'm talking about right now.

full disclosure, i had an old idea about a 50 state killer, and wrote a terrible few pages years ago but never picked it back up, so i basically remembered the idea, changed the sexes of the characters and wrote this on wednesday.

also, as soon as i hit submit, i knew damn well there was too much dialogue without action and people would tell me accordingly...

I'll gladly take 3rd

Conz,  great job buddy.

I really enjoyed this.  I know some peeps had issues with the fact that it is all dialog and not a whole lot of action, but, honestly, I couldn't stop reading it.  

I bought into the whole "will she or won't she" vibe you were selling.  Each page led me closer and I really wasn't sure what she would do.  

I'd love to see you expand this to 20 pages and give it the love it deserves.  I'd read it if you wanted me to.

How and why did the cop cars show up?  And how and why did the doc get the message about her?  I'd like to see those answered sometime.

Thanks
Dan

Thanks Dan.

I initially had a line about a secretary...  something about her calling the cops.  at one point Katrina waves the gun and clears out the waiting room, so i was hoping the implication would be that screamer alerted the authorities after clearing the building.

not sure what you mean with the message.

I've kept all the OWC scripts I've written independent to this challenge.  I look at them more as writing exercises, but I may go back to this one day.  I think my October entry has potential to be something to, but i don't know if i ever get back to it.  

I'd love to see SS do a one day challenge.  that would probably be impossible to coordinate, but i really like writing on a short deadline.