Fifty by One Ugly Dame - Short, Thriller - When a mysterious Girl shows up in California looking to complete her lifelong obsession, a well known Psychiatrist fights to change her mind. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A very common mistake early on - "...peers out of the window..." - Lose the "of".

"Dr. Allen peeks at her phone.  Katrina catches her, raises an eyebrow inquisitively.  She plops on a brown leather couch across from Dr. Allen." - This passage starts off on Dr. Allen, then goes to Katrina. Should be 2 separate passages.  Keep your passages broken up by thought, description, subject, or action.

Page 7 - "lays" - should be "lies" peeps and animals "lie", inanimate things "lay".

Some typos here and there, some missing commas in dialogue, but overall, well written.

Dialogue is also good, but there's just too much of it and makes this a very slow read

Story is well crafted, well put together, and well thought out.  I also enjoyed the ending.

This a good effort all the way around and easily my favorite of the 6 I've read.

Good job!

Very very talky and while most of it was well written, I found myself losing interest in the story and the characters towards the end. you need to break up the long bits of dialogue as it slowed the script down for me.

I pretty much got the intent and it was well crafted. Just needs to be trimmed.

By the way, I had NFBI what a chachkie was and had to google it lol

I always love a good serial killer story. This one I was worried you were headed into Aileen Wournos territory and threw a bit of lack of pattern into the mix. But as I read I realized I was wrong.

There is a lot of dialogue but I am a firm believer of 'Action in the Dialogue' which was here so didn't bug me too much.

Also did they leave the office it seemed like it...I gotta go back and re-read. Enjoyed.

Overall - very solid. Liked the story. Like the writing. Liked the ending.  There is one change in tone I would suggest and this is emblematic of it.

Quoted Text DR. ALLEN We don’t have to discuss that, if—

A false beat for me – she’s a shrink. Doesn’t seem natural that she would derail something a patient wanted to talk about. It should be just the opposite – drawing it out from the patient. I would find this story even more compelling if in the beginning there was more drawing out by the Doctor and more reluctance by the patient as she sizes the Doc up for suitability as number 50.

Anyway - excellent work.

Writer,

Interesting piece. Very dialogue heavy, something a couple good actors could really sink their teeth into. Not sure how much I liked this really. It seemed to run on for too long - I think a trim is definitely in order. The ending I did not find satisfying, but I guess I don't know where else you could have taken this one after the build up you provided. Pretty good for a weeks work, although I think it falls a little short for my tastes. But good anyway!

Steve

It was okay, interesting.  Quite a lot of chitchat.  I think this story could be achieved with fewer pages.  Or the chitchat might not have been so obvious if perhaps a distraction like a flashback that explains how Katrina came to hear about the story between the doctor and her daughter.

It's not often I see italics and underlined words in scripts...

I do love a good shrink story.

Look, this was a fair effort for a week, and I always appreciate a contained script - bravo

I found the link with daughter weak, but the concept sound.

A scared woman on a revenge road trip, I liked.

I suppose it need more linkage for the final one, but that can be sorted.

Well done.

I'm noticing a pattern...I must say.

Hey,
Very nice work.
Although I dId want to skim through pages 9 and 10. Could come some of it or add texture to their conversation - otherwise they are just screaming at each other there and it's not very convincing.
Loved the script though.
The daughter part - not a fan of Katrina choosing such a weak victim, I mean why would she go for someone giving up on her daughter, that's not a real crime in my op. Maybe something you'd want to work on. Or not)

A doctor who takes a call mid session? That would annoy me. It would likely annoy an unbalanced person too.. Very unprofessional. Also psychiatrists don't as a rule reveal names of their children, personal lives to patients. It would be far more effective that Katrina revealed: 'your daughter's name is Ellie, right? ' That would establish prior obsession too.

'Good one! That was a chick!
Number thirty one, Chelsea Weekes.
Swindled her best friend’s life
savings. Poor girl shot herself a
month later. Sadly, Chelsea also
ended up “committing suicide” wink
wink. ..'

This seems like a bit of a flimsy motive for murder imh.

Also, beware of this:

DR. ALLEN
You had mentioned your childhood
dream was to travel, no?

KATRINA
...
Seems a bit hypocritical, no?

If you use the same pattern of speech, idiosyncracy, with both characters it tends to appear as more of a writer trademark in dialogue.

Also, If I were watching I might just find the story a little too familiar and maybe a bit corny. She's a psychopath. I can't imagine she'd kill herself at this point. I know you went for the unexpected flip but I don't get why she'd do it unless the 'obsession' with this psychiatrist has been established. It seems like her first visit. I'd set the history of that obsession up more.

Not bad.  I liked the elephant line.

Thank you for not going the Lesbian killer/Physician route targeted to a male audience.

I thought this was OK,  pushing good.

It was far too talky for my tastes and there was more than a few false beats along the way.  Nothing insurmountable.

I don't know.  It wasn't bad. I feel it needs another angle in it somewhere,  another layer to make it stand out more.

I couldn't figure out for the life of me why she would choose a celebrity shrink to end on.  I thought there could have been better options for her final victim.  I would have been so turned off had she actually killed her.  Based on your story, I don't think she would even be there.  In my opinion she would have stayed with killing bad people.  So in the end, I was pleased that she ended up taking her own life.  That seemed a little more realistic to me than killing the psychiatrist.

Anyway, it wasn't too bad overall.    

Nolan

Writer,

It was alright, not exceptional, just alright.

Technically the piece seemed sound, so no complaints there, but the pacing shoots up to 100 miles an hour when the gun is pulled and attempts to stay there for the remainder, which for me doesn't work.

Also the dialogue, deary me so much dialogue!! Seriously, there's no harm in a shorter and snappier piece, and this is a prime example of this where you could basically take out 2 pages, and just make it a better read.

Anyway, well written, interesting premise, went on for too long

Cam

I think this was a little over talky and I almost skimmed last page or so... but it's well written and I liked the idea of the 50 state killer, even if her motives were a little ropey on some of her chosen victims.

I think this could lose a page quite easily and be tightened a little.

Decent effort,