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Don
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Scooter by L. Chambers - Short, Drama -  In the Suburbs of Sydney, in the 70s, an adolescent girl longs for a scooter...or at least she thinks she does. 11 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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LC
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Don, thanks for posting this!


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Forgive
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hey Libby. This is a nice script, has a touch of character about it. A soft, but touching twist at the end - made me feel empathy with the protag, and that's a plus. Some minors here and there with the writing, but apart from that ... a nice piece.
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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Libby,

How are you--?  Good to finally read one of your scripts.  I gotta say, I loved your characters descriptions.   The set-up was nice, maybe too perfect, because i wasn't surprised at the last present she got.  Yeah, I get it, but wasn't a big fan of the ending.

But nevertherless, you write very well, the read was engaging, and simple stories like this... I like.

Good Luck,

Ghostie


THE TIME GUARDIAN: RENAISSANCE - scyfy

THE GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA - western

CLASH OF THE AMAZONS: AMAZONIA vs ACHILLEA - action, fantasy & adventure

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hawkeye
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Libby, I will say I was impressed by this script for the most part.  Formatting was top-notch and dialogue was pretty much spot on.  There was a couple of instances where I thought you could have cut a shorter scene or some of the dialogue, but that's minor stuff and really didn't detract from the overall story.

SPOILER:

At first I was concerned that you had an ending too similar to "A Christmas Story" and I would have been disappointed if it had ended that way.  But the ending was a nice little twist and turn that reminds us all that we all continue to grow up and move on to bigger and better things.  A sweet little story and one that I enjoyed.  Good job!

Gary


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CoopBazinga
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Libby,

I'll echo Ghostie and say how good it is to see some work from you. Don't think I've ever read any scripts by you so I wasn't sure what to expect...

I was kinda disappointed by the end of this one I'm afraid. I'll put it down to personal tastes and say that this didn't do a lot for me.

The ending is bittersweet and quite touching, but the whole 10 pages that preceded it are rather boring and maybe just a little too light and happy for my liking.

There is no tension or conflict to speak of - a girl wants a scooter and gets one on Christmas day. She didn't have to do anything to achieve this, thought her parents could offer up some obstacles or something. Even if it's to clean her room or better yet, a choice between a new scooter or staying away from Aaron. Maybe her parents aren't quite sure of him.

There is some nice awkward moments between Aaron and Lizzie but this relationship never fully got going which made the ending a little flat. Maybe by building a stronger relationship between the two, it will give the ending more punch when he rides past.

Everyone was so nice here - Nina and Lizzie got on so well for sisters for their respected ages, while the parents (Why not give them names? Dad had more lines than anyone) were kind and pleasant.

It made the whole "Did I forget a gift" routine (one I've done myself let me add) really quite predictable. On the bright side, I didn't see you ending it that way but I'm glad you did because it was a pleasant, yet sad surprise.

I couldn't help but feel this would work better without dialogue much like "The Snowman" which had a very gloomy ending. That is what your ending reminded me of here although not nearly as sad - I loved that snowman!

The writing was good, felt a few lines could be tightened and there was the odd line that stuck out "(still) reading the  paper." Still? As in we've seen him reading it before? Or maybe you mean he's reading at the dinner table?

A few of the more grammar enthusiasts might question some of the commas but this is hardly my department.

I also felt the dialogue which isn't bad BTW could have some sprucing up. This is Australia in the 70s, would have loved to seem some more Aussie slang in there. Can imagine Jim (dad) with a tinny in hand telling Lizzie that they haven't got the bucks for a scooter and that she needs to start making a quid.

A nice read but a little on the chirpy side for my liking which means nothing in the great scheme of things. It's just not my thing.

All the best with it.

Steve
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KAlbers
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 12:36am Report to Moderator
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Hey Libby,

I liked this very much. You illustrated the visuals nicely without making it too blocky in words.

---* SPOILER ALERT *----
I liked your ending very much... oh poor Lizzie though . The sense I got from it was that she finally could be a part of the group, especially have something in common with Aaron that would allow them to interact with each other, but then that chance is robbed from her as they have moved on to bikes, leaving Lizzie once again out of the loop. I felt for her and for that, I liked it very much... I hope I interpreted that right.
---* END SPOILER * ---

I do agree with Steve that perhaps Lizzie could work for her scooter in some way or another, then the payoff in the end would be that much better both in the highs and the lows.

But well done, I enjoyed it a lot, and could see someone wanting to produce this.

Best,
Kev



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KAlbers  -  February 15th, 2013, 1:20am
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LC
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Quoted from Forgive
Hey Libby. This is a nice script, has a touch of character about it.
A soft, but touching twist at the end - made me feel empathy with the protag,
and that's a plus. Some minors here and there with the writing,
but apart from that ... a nice piece.


Hey Simon, thanks for kicking off the reads on this one. I appreciate your feedback.
Feel free to elaborate on the 'minors' (and we don't mean kids, do we? ) as you see it.


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LC
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 2:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from _ghostwriter
Libby,
How are you--?  Good to finally read one of your scripts.  I gotta say, I loved your characters descriptions.   The set-up was nice, maybe too perfect, because i wasn't surprised at the last present she got.  Yeah, I get it, but wasn't a big fan of the ending.

But nevertherless, you write very well, the read was engaging, and simple stories like this... I like.

Good Luck,


I'm very well thanks, Ghostie. And thanks for the read and compliments re character descriptions etc.

I'm happy it engaged you to the point it did, considering it wasn't exactly the ending you were hoping for. This is indeed a 'simple' slice of life story' nothing too complicated, but with a little more at its core, I hope.

Hope you're doing well.



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LC
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 2:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from hawkeye
Libby, I will say I was impressed by this script for the most part.  ... There was a couple of instances where I thought you could have cut a shorter scene or some of the dialogue, but that's minor stuff and really didn't detract from the overall story.

Gary


Hey Gary, thanks for the read. I'm really pleased you enjoyed it overall and ta for the compliments.

Re your point of perhaps shortening a scene/dialogue etc. I will definitely go over this again. Am assuming you mean the scene with the father and Lizzie?? I was wondering if that should be cut a bit myself.

Thanks again.

Happy to hear you liked it overall.




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LC
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 2:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from KAlbers
Hey Libby,

I liked this very much. You illustrated the visuals nicely without making it too blocky in words. I liked your ending very much... oh poor Lizzie though . I do agree with Steve that perhaps Lizzie could work for her scooter in some way or another, ... But well done, I enjoyed it a lot, and could see someone wanting to produce this.
Best,
Kev


Kev, how're you doing? I'm so pleased you enjoyed the read overall and felt empathy for poor Lizzie.

As for the points you bring up about Lizzie and chores, I'm about to address this point with Steve. Basically, I didn't want to go the 'chores' route cause it would labour the story too much imo, and I wanted to present a rather more streamlined tale.

Thanks for your suggestions though and I appreciate the read. Enjoyed your last very much. Hope you've another in the pipeline.



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LC
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 3:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve,

how's it going on the West Coast?

Big long stream of feedback - thankyou, so I'll reply a big long stream of clarification, hopefully.


Quoted from CoopBazinga
Hey Libby, I'll echo Ghostie and say how good it is to see some work from you. Don't think I've ever read any scripts by you so I wasn't sure what to expect...


Thanks Steve. Gotta' a couple on the boards - last OWC and another in the 2 day comp. and hopefully there'll be more to come, though quite different to this. Like to mix it up.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

I was kinda disappointed by the end of this one I'm afraid. I'll put it down to personal tastes and say that this didn't do a lot for me. The ending is bittersweet and quite touching, but the whole 10 pages that preceded it are rather boring and maybe just a little too light and happy for my liking.


Sorry this wasn't your bag, Steve. Can't please all of the people... it's actually not quite as happy as you paint it, but then that's just mho. I appreciate your opinion, though.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

There is no tension or conflict to speak of - a girl wants a scooter and gets one on Christmas day. She didn't have to do anything to achieve this, thought her parents could offer up some obstacles or something. Even if it's to clean her room or better yet, a choice between a new scooter or staying away from Aaron. Maybe her parents aren't quite sure of him.


Can't say I really agree with you on the 'no tension/conflict' aspect. The way I see it, it's a pretty straight forward little slice of life tale about a girl who wants something desperately, so a lot of it is initially inner conflict I suppose, and so by all accounts it may appear that way.

To answer your questions re adding more plot via Lizzie & Aaron and Lizzie having to work for the scooter - I didn't want to focus more on the relationship with Aaron because that would change the story to emphasise the girl/boy relationship that's only alluded to.

I wanted to leave it up to the audience to decide - i.e. is this about the 'boy'? or 'wanting to be in the 'in' crowd'? or is it just about the 'scooter'? Likewise if I were to complicate the plot further I felt it would turn this into a very different and drawn out tale.

Quoted from CoopBazinga
...the whole "Did I forget a gift" routine (one I've done myself let me add) is really quite predictable.


This is an interesting point in that it's a common parental ploy and is familiar to a lot of us growing up, but this bit is meant to be kinda predictable. The main thing is it's not to Lizzie - the character. She thinks Christmas Day, at that point, is all done and dusted. It's what's comes after that I hope isn't predictable, and so far so good.


Quoted from CoopBazinga
Why not give them (the parents) names?


I didn't see the point, really. They don’t use them. To Lizzie their names are Mum and Dad. The only dialogue is between the children and their parents so...


Quoted from CoopBazinga
On the bright side, I didn't see you ending it that way but I'm glad you did because it was a pleasant, yet sad surprise.


Glad you liked the ending!


Quoted from CoopBazinga
I couldn't help but feel this would work better without dialogue much like "The Snowman"...


I did give some thought to this being sans dialogue...

Steve, re the other couple of points you mention: the 'still reading the paper' bit - yes, the idea here is Dad is always reading something, so yes, he has the paper in front of him at the dinner table. It's meant to evoke Dad's character straight off.

Speaking of character:


Quoted from CoopBazinga
I also felt the dialogue which isn't bad BTW could have some sprucing up. This is Australia in the 70s, would have loved to seem some more Aussie slang in there. Can imagine Jim (dad) with a tinny in hand telling Lizzie that they haven't got the bucks for a scooter and that she needs to start making a quid.


I didn't want to go the Crocodile Dundee route here. I understand what you're saying re using the Aussie vernacular but I think I run the risk of it sounding hackneyed and laid on thick. Without copious amounts of beer and cork hats Oz slang can sound cartoonish. Especially to foreign ears. Bit like Brits saying ‘Tally ho, my dear chap.’

We all don't speak that way  - maybe my Grandfather might use the word quid or bonza etc. but I also wanted this tale to translate to other settings/countries which it could easily do, so putting too much of that in might restrict it.

Sorry this wasn't your thing overall. Oh, and your comment about commas overuse(punctuation) I will definitely look at with a closer eye.

Thanks again for the read Steve. I appreciate your thoughts.



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Toby_E
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 4:44am Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Cute little story here.

It reminded me of an episode of Recess (damn, I used to love that show), where Vince wants to see the latest movie that everyone has seen, and is quoting lines from, but his Mum didn't let him. And so he finally sneaks out to see it, but in doing so, he misses a show on TV which everyone watches, and so he's still 'behind-the-times' so to speak.

Now whilst I thought the story was cute, I did have a few issues with it.

Now whilst I liked the actual bittersweet ending, I didn't like the whole forgetting-the-present routine preceding it. It is something I have seen countless times before in film, and so I knew what was going to happen. Maybe keep the act going, but then she doesn't get the scooter until later, but by this point we think that she isn't going to be getting a scooter, so that the fact that she does surprises us? Maybe her Dad makes her take out the trash, and the scooter is sitting in the front drive, or something like that. I think it will reduce the predictability of your end.

I also agree wholeheartedly with the point Steve made about the lack of conflict throughout.

Conflict didn't really show up until page 7, when Lizzie was arguing with Nina. Maybe sprinkle some more throughout?

It was a clean read though, as well. I didn't spot any typos, which is always nice!

However, Dad's line of dialogue on page 5 felt a bit forced, a bit unnatural (this one: "You know, your mother and I met while I was playing district rugby, but I think we’ve probably told you that, right?”). But that was a minor issue.

So yeah, overall, I liked this one a lot.

Up the conflict a bit, and reduce the predictability of the ending, and you will have a very nice little short on your hands here

All the best,

Toby.


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rc1107
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Libby.

Found a plothole.  How come it's so sunny and perfect blue skies outside but yet it's Christmas-time?  It's supposed to be snowy and blizzardy.

Oh.  Wait.  Australia.  You're shoving it in my face again, aren't you?

:-)

I think you know I'd love this one.  A very down to earth realistic story that has something to say about society.  You can never go wrong with those kind of stories with me.

This was more of a double-punch for me, also.  I just saw that you said you didn't really want to focus on Aaron as being a focal point of the story, but for me, he was.  I kind of liked the fact that the scooter and Aaron shared Lizzie's attention.  It not only made me feel sad that Lizzie has to keep up with the Jones', but all the more heartbreaking that Aaron, (the way you wrote it), leaves her in the dust, so to speak.

A simple story that works on a few different levels.

I will say that it does read rather slow in the beginning and drags a little in the middle.  I'm wondering if there are a few things that can either be cut or re-worked to maybe get the ball rolling a little bit faster to get to that great ending.  It maybe a tad bit on the repetitious side, also.

But otherwise, this is a well-written piece, Libby.  Over-writing is never really an issue with me as long as it didn't get in the way of the story and for me, it didn't in this case.

Great job and I hope to see it made soon.  :-)

- Mark


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jwent6688
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Nice to see some work. I liked this. I could probably sit here and read more into it, but it is a nice reflection of how life works for some. Always a step behind the times. Finally get what you want and then something else comes along.

What's a "dead-cert"?

I thought the characters were all well written, but too many nice people. I always have to have one dirt-bag kid, but that's just me and it wouldn't fit the story here.

Very solid action prose, was a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing it.

James


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