In Need Of Refuge by Anonymous 7 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama - As the shit is about to hit the fan, it’s now or never for a desperate hillbilly and his two companions.  14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

There's a good story in this.

I didn't like the Man from the getgo though. Don't touch this, don't stare at that... He sounds very annoying. And he thinks himself worthy to overpopulated the Earth... I don't know. Rick from Walking Dead would never say something like that.

About the girl - I couldn't understand their talk about her and then she appears sitting between them. That was sudden. And it's as if he doesn't know neither that kid nor her. It's as if they are all strangers.
So I couldn't understand what's going on, just that it's the end of the world and they are going somewhere. And the Man wants to repopulate the Earth. --that's not much.
Then you switch to Old Man and Woman and I'm thinking you shouldn't have left your main characters.
Only then the real story starts. Maybe you could cut a bit at the beginning to take us to the story sooner.

Same here - not over the page limit, just an extra blank page.

I liked the ending. Getting there was a struggle. I think the first four pages could've been really scaled back as it doesn't add much to the story except for how the man is such a red-neck dick. I don't understand why the three main characters don't have names but the old couple do? They could have just been 'old man' and 'old lady'.

Curious what the apocalyptic trigger was that gave them so long to plan too. Certainly not a missile strike. And if it was the moon or asteroid, I'm not sure the bomb shelter would do much.

Hi writer,

Cool script. Bit of this could be trimmed off to tighten it up IMO (like the cat, which just seems to fill needless space) but, the ending made up for any flaws this script might have… which isn’t many, to be honest. I liked the banter between the hillbillies, it came off as dysfunctional and smart all the same.

Only other nitpick I might have is the names: The Man, The Kid, The Girl, etc… is kind of a cop out but, meh… they’re all dead now anyway. Good job. All the best.

Hey writer,

This was pretty brutal in parts, and kinda ran with a short, sharp writing style that was a bit tough to get used to.

The story was pretty simple, and it didn't really take any surprise turns. The ending was nice, that worked, but the rest didn't really fire the imagination.

It was alright, but not amongst my favourites,

Cam

The script reads very robotically. Lots of sits, stands, walks, looks, listens, puts, opens. Try not to give too much direction to the actor, they know how to do these things.

As it was, this made it a tough read for me and it took a while to get going. It seemed it be finally becoming interesting towards the end. If you streamline this and find a way to start later, this could be good but it didn't quite work for me.

-Mark

2nd script in a row that bleeds onto page 13, and that's just a complete lack of effort on the writer's part.

Oh no...not another script with no named characters..please...NO!!

"Bruce Willis style chest holster"?  Really?  C'mon...

And action/description lines with no subject.  Pet peeves on display here.  Not good.

Dialogue incredibly OTN.

You don't want to start a new scene with dialogue.

Where'd Jerry come from?  I didn't see an intro.

Who the fuck is Honey?  Oh man...why you just don't properly name and intro your characters is way beyond me.

Well, so far, my favorite character is definitely Kitty, and hat's not a positive.

"the bard"?  We've got an unintro'd bard here now?  Is the bard going to sing a a song as the clock counts down?  WTF?

OK, I read it all.  The writing is very poor, very irritating with the rat-tat-tat style with zero subjects in the lines.

Ending is weak and doesn't wrap anything up for us.

No way to give a damn about the characters because none are named, none have nay character.

Story-wise, this could have been pretty good, but you totally blew it with they way you wrote it.  But, he glimmer of a decent story warrants a score of 2.5, being generous.

logline isn't exactly telling me much

hmmm, we got that "list" style prose.  Man does this.  Does that.  does this.  i only dislike it if it doesn't do it's job, which is to make this a super quick read.

I already don't like the fact he's called "the man."

the speaking style is starting to wear on me.

I guess I'm just an optimist when it comes to humanity, but this is one of the reasons i think The Walking Dead blows - the whole "man will immediately turn on man" dystopia stuff really bugs me.  it just always feels so ridiculous and over the top, so i don't like where we're treading with this...

also, see no reason why these people can't have names.

this ended up be a long read and i waivered.  could have been better, could have been worse.  not gonna end up being memorable, sorry to say.

I know this probably goes against protocol but I am the one who wrote this story. I figure, after the scathing dreamscale review what difference does it make.
I don't fancy myself much of a writer and this is only the second thing I've ever completed. Both are shorts, both are apparently not good. Haha
I want to thank the few people who read my story and made comments.

The three characters don't have names because I thought it fit in with the theme. If it were the end of the world and I was probably gonna die, the last thing I would care about is someone's name.
Yes dreamscale, the bard is going to sing. One typo in the whole thing. I guess that's worth mocking me over.
Jerry was introduced as the older man. Kitty as the older woman. Are you paying attention when you read or skimming so fast and only thinking about insults?
Also, there was not a single instance where dialogue started a new scene.
i appreciate the criticism regarding my headers.
i have never thought of using sits, stands, walks, etc as camera directions. It's writing in the present tense. No? Wouldn't it be wrong to say "is sitting", "are doing this" etc?

Ive been reading your reviews Dreamscale. You should lighten up man. It's just a fun thing on an Internet forum. Not the end all. I know it's nice to have the "power". There was not a single instance of constructive criticism. Aren't we here to learn? Or is this the professional writers forum I've been a member of for years?

Hey Yosemite,

Seriously mate, don't worry about the crit, Jeff is like that to most scripts in these OWC's, really don't take it personal and pay as much or as little attention to it as you want. Take what you want from the reviews on board and just work to improve your writing.

Yeh your script needs some work, but shit, my first scripts were all over the place when I first started, and through the help of these beautiful bastards round here I think I'm doing alright.

The worst thing you can do is pack it in. Don't do it. Your writing was by no means the worst I've read, work on the craft through the forums here, My Work In Progress in particular, and just build in confidence and style.

Now, my advice would be to delete your comment above before too many folk see it, get on with reviewing the rest, and learning in the process, and come out swinging for the next few efforts.

All the best

Cam

Quoted from yosemitesam I know this probably goes against protocol but I am the one who wrote this story. I figure, after the scathing dreamscale review what difference does it make. I don't fancy myself much of a writer and this is only the second thing I've ever completed. Both are shorts, both are apparently not good. Haha I want to thank the few people who read my story and made comments. The three characters don't have names because I thought it fit in with the theme. If it were the end of the world and I was probably gonna die, the last thing I would care about is someone's name. Yes dreamscale, the bard is going to sing. One typo in the whole thing. I guess that's worth mocking me over. Jerry was introduced as the older man. Kitty as the older woman. Are you paying attention when you read or skimming so fast and only thinking about insults? Also, there was not a single instance where dialogue started a new scene. i appreciate the criticism regarding my headers. i have never thought of using sits, stands, walks, etc as camera directions. It's writing in the present tense. No? Wouldn't it be wrong to say "is sitting", "are doing this" etc? Ive been reading your reviews Dreamscale. You should lighten up man. It's just a fun thing on an Internet forum. Not the end all. I know it's nice to have the "power". There was not a single instance of constructive criticism. Aren't we here to learn? Or is this the professional writers forum I've been a member of for years?

Yo, Yosemite, uh, not sure exactly what to say or how to say it, so I'll just try and address a few of your concerns with what I wrote in my feedback.

First of all, if you think this review is scathing, let me point out some others that are MUCH worse.  I gave you a 2.5, which is well above the zeros, ones, and twos others have received.  I even said there were some good ideas on display here.

One typo?  Really?  No, but that was a funny one.  Sorry, but I just couldn't resist, and if it offended you, I apologize.

On Page 6, you intro an "OLDER WOMAN" and an "OLDER MAN".  Since no character has been given an age, I'm not sure what the "older" part of their "name" means, and also understand , so far your characters have been named "The Man", "Man" (a typo, because this character has been The Man in every other dialogue box), and "The Girl".

All of a sudden, we have a character named "Jerry" speaking.  Jerry was never intro'd.  If The Older Man is Jerry, he should have been intro'd that way originally...otherwise, how are we supposed to know this?

Jerry then speaks  to "Honey", who we haven't met yet, ether.  And in the following line, you call her "Honey" for the first time.

You just said here (included in the quote above), that the older woman is introduced as "Kitty", so obviously, you, yourself don't even know who your own characters are.  Kitty is the cat, not the older woman.

On Page 4, you have a new scene (new Slug) "INT. TRUCK".  You follow that with dialogue from The Kid, so once again, you are incorrect in your defense of your script.

You don't take anything I said as constructive criticism, but if you listen to what I did say, it will help you going forward.

Sorry to upset you.

Logline - doesn't really say too much other hillbillys are included

Minor point, but I'm Not a fan of man, kid names etched you can name them

All in all a decent story. As it went along I was wondering about it but it then became clear about the hatch and I liked the conclusion.

It may have helped the dynamics if we knew about the hatch earlier.

Needs a tidy etc etc as most do, and the hillbilly part of the logline doesn't jump out at me in the story, better phrases could be used, but this has potential.

Solid idea, lacked a bit in logic and execution. The action was very much "this happened, the this, the this". You may ask why that matters, or isn't that the way you're supposed to advance the action?  Yes and no. There's a difference between "he walks in the door. He sits down. He eats his dinner," and "he staggers in the door, sweat falling from every pore.  He drags himself to the dinner table and uses his remaining energy to feed himself the meager portions set out on the table."  Hopefully you see the difference. Once is more rote description of what happens, the other paints a picture for the reader.

In any event, I was having a difficult time buying into the story - why couldn't they all go in the shelter? If there was only room for two people, why not say so?  Also, why not name your characters? "The Man" or "Kid" doesn't do anything for me. I did like the twist at the end, I'll give you that.

Best of luck,
Gary

Jeff can be tough, but, Yosemitesam, writing is a tough business.  If you don't have a thick skin, you won't survive the rejection letter after rejection letter.

I've read success stories where people have gotten over 100 straight rejection letters before getting their first sale.

Look at it this way, would you rather everyone read this with kid gloves on, then get destroyed by professional readers, or do you want people like Jeff give you their honest opinion and have a chance to make revisions?

I have a saying that everyone on here knows.  I'd rather hear the bad news from my friends or other readers for free before I pay to enter a script and have it get tossed aside for the exact same reason without ever finding out why.

If someone gives you a bad review, take it to heart.  For my first entry here, I got roasted like I was at my own professional roast.  It was hard.  Like you, I outed myself.  But, you know what?  I took it to heart, saw that every single person on here, even Dustin, was only trying to tell me what they felt the truth was.  It's the only way to get better.  

In poker, you find out how good you are by your wallet size.  If you keep losing, then you know you probably shouldn't play in any world series of poker events.  In writing, it's the same thing.  

Scripts have been tossed aside for a typo.  And the reason for that isn't the fact that there was a typo.  It's the fact that if the writer missed a typo on page 1, then what else have they missed?  What other script problems exist?

writing in general and screenwriting in specific has gone crazy.  Anyone with a computer and internet access can submit a story.  That means the gatekeepers are so overworked now.  They look for any reason to put a script down and go to the next one.  Whether or not that is fair doesn't matter because that's the simple truth.  

Not naming your characters is always a bad idea.  If you don't care enough to name your main characters then why should we care?  

What was the apocalypse?  You never mention it.  Why couldn't they share the bunker with the other couple?  Why wasn't the other couple already in the bunker?  

Your main character is an awful human being.  And that's okay, but, and this is the rage of quite a few writing circles right now, how unlikeable can you make him?  You made him villain status.  That's dangerous for your protag.  

That said, there is a story here.  And it's an interesting on.  Fix it up and make it the best it can be.  Jeff can be harsh, but, in many cases, he also speaks the truth.  It's okay not to like someone, but, you might want to respect each person who takes the time to read.

Sorry for the rant, but, I felt compelled to do that.

Good luck with it
Dan

I think the idea is good, it's kinda like an alternate start to Cloverfield Lane, but...

I think it would be better to give them names, you're right no one probably cares at the end of the world but the people reading your script will, imho of course.

Any script written in a week will have typos, errors and omissions, that's what re-writes are for so all the prev comments will be useful.

It seemed odd to me that he drags the injured girl from the house but not into the bunker, I'd do one or the other.

The end feels reminiscent of something, Prisoners maybe? But I liked it.

Decent effort

I have to agree that the log line doesn't do anything to pull me in.
However, I thought the thing read fine. Yes, there were a couple of typos. I usually leave comments about typos to those folks here who have never made a typo in their lives. They are amazing folks.

There were places where the dialogue was a bit on the nose. But then you can risk going the other direction and end up accused of being too vague. Or, God help us, having "Orphans".

I was fine with "THE MAN", "THE KID", "THE GIRL" until we turned around and gave names to JERRY and HONEY. Then it irritated me that the main characters weren't named. It just seemed backwards.

The end gave me chills. Seriously. Don't know whether anyone could survive a meteor (Because I did assume it was a meteor) in a bomb shelter but the idea of being trapped in the thing really bothered me. I wouldn't be surprised if the tractor parking over the hatch was your germinal idea.

I do have one problem. If THE MAN and THE KID know about the shelter then I would assume there are a lot of people who know about it. If three people are gonna show up to get in, I would assume thirty more would too. Probably more.

I've got six shorts here now. I only point links to three because those are the ones that don't suck - for one or two people here.  

Keep at it. Just remember that no matter how good it is there will be someone here who will will find something to criticize about it. And they're being constructive.

Putting all the drama aside, except for the drama you wrote on the page...

The hillbilly dialect is fun to read, but in serious writing, there's a quote from John Wayne, who was sick of writers affecting the stereotypical John Wayne drawl on the page.

"Awright, pilgrim! You're just a-crusin' for a brusin'!"

He told them simply, "Write the script in English. If I choose to play the role, I'll play it like John Wayne."

A few missing commas.

This is the second script I've read with subject-less action lines.

Quoted Text Ain't nothin' [']bout this supposed (sic) to be fun.

Quoted Text bout /bout/ noun noun: bout; plural noun: bouts 1. a short period of intense activity of a specified kind. "occasional bouts of strenuous exercise" synonyms: attack, fit, spasm, paroxysm, convulsion, eruption, outburst; More period, session, spell "a bout of dysentery" •an attack of illness or strong emotion of a specified kind. "a severe bout of flu" synonyms: attack, fit, spasm, paroxysm, convulsion, eruption, outburst; More period, session, spell "a bout of dysentery" •a wrestling or boxing match. synonyms: contest, match, fight, prizefight, competition, event, meeting "he is fighting his fifth bout" 2. a curve in the side of a violin, guitar, or other musical instrument.

'bout (not bout; 'bout with an apostrophe) is slang for "about."

Since you have The Man and an Older Man, you could have named them. Speaking of which...

Why didn't you just call the older man Jerry right off the bat?

"still[-]calm [Older Woman's name]."

Now you call the Older Woman Honey?

Quoted Text It's okay[,] Honey...

Always offset names with commas.

(CONT'D) is almost never necessary in a spec script.

Quoted Text THE MAN Shut up[,] bitch.

Numbers should be spelled out in dialogue, except for unusually long ones like 9,876.

Try to avoid orphan words, as they can add up.

Bard? Like Shakespeare? Or is it a typo of "barn?"

Wow. All that blood for nothing. ;D

The Girl's "blood[-]stained grin" reminds me of Daisy Domergue in The Hateful Eight, played by the wonderful Jennifer Jason Leigh in an Oscar-nominated performance.

One extra blank page.

Not exactly sure if this satisfies the apocalypse criteria. The title is decent. The logline is pretty funny. The script isn't outright terrible; it's half-good, even.

This one feels like it could be fun - apocalypse, desperate hillbilly’s...

Ages would help a lot - especially with the Kid.  Give us something to work with.

I’m starting to wonder if the lack of names is partly responsible for the breakdown of society…

‘There are no cousins anymore’ - :)

‘THE GIRL sits in between the two men.’ - I thought he was a kid?

The question of what’s in the sky and ‘who’ they’re talking about robbing at the outset - that’s enough to keep me invested.  Then there’s the stand-off with Jerry - get the keys etc.  Interesting choice to cut to the cat with the shootout off-screen.  It worked for me as you tied it back into the ‘thing in the sky’.

So were the keys in the safe?  Did Jerry actually open the safe or did The Man?  There’s some elements need smoothing out there.  I wasn’t sure if this was all about the keys or The Man wanting to see what else was in the safe.

Why put the keys in the safe but leave the bunker open?

Darkly comic ending - works for me.  I like the running gag of them looking into the sky.  I kept seeing The Man as Woody Harrelson for some reason… just me?  The Girl needs more to do though - probably The Kid too.  One of the better pay-offs - perhaps my favourite so far.  I guess it’s not too important we don’t know exactly what’s about to go down.  A few issues to clean up but a solid entry, one worth coming back to.  

I like your title and I'm good with the logline.

No FADE IN

I like the concept but I think this needs work. I wrote a script sort of like this called Bunker. :)

I think the characters deserved a name in this at least the main ones you want us to car about. Usually you name the extras (noname) that way the reader knows they are extras not mains and it's easier to read that way but these guys in your short need names IMO.

How did they know there was an underground shelter there?

I like the way the dialogue is building backstory and creating a bit of mystery as to what these two are up to. That being said, by page 4 I wonder if it could do the same thing with a bit more efficiency. Like… “Yeah I didn’t know what it meant either. Heard it on the tv. Had to look it up on the internet.” Do we need exposition on how breeding works and how he learned about it? Likely not.

“There are no cousins anymore.”  His future children's genetic defects say otherwise.

These characters need ages. Didn't mind at first, but you just referred to the Kid as one of two “men”, and with the Girl’s age not given, you’re forcing me to decide for myself exactly how creepy and uncomfortable this cousin sex scene plays.

Good twist at the end. Overall the story’s a bit unfocused. Could use a rewrite just to make that ending as effective as possible. We get the Man’s a scumbag deserving of comeuppance, but maybe if his desperation to live by any means was emphasized more. Start him off as someone we have sympathy for, then strip it away as he does greedier and greedier stuff to live. Then the twist would be a little more appropriate and meaningful.

Overall a good effort.

Writer,

The most fleshed out character here is The Man, and that's only because you compared him to Bruce Willis, so I just envisioned Die Hard Bruce Willis and went from there. Neither The Kid, Girl were introduced, I don't think. Old Man and Old Woman were introduced, then their true names revealed in dialogue. Not too confusing, but not proper either. Good action writing, good pace, slow in parts. Way too many stilted sentences that could have benefitted from a few commas instead of all periods. In the end, I just don't recall what was revealed and how. Something inside that box, I think. But was it ever opened? I don't recall and I can't go back to look. Overall, decent and all, and fairly memorable, but over long and confusing. The point was lost somewhere in your writing, I feel.

Steve

In Need Of Refuge - Apocalypse, Drama - As the shit is about to hit the fan, it’s now or never for a desperate hillbilly and his two companions.  

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Must better specify what's going on.  "Now or never" is not enough information when it comes to describing a plot. 

TITLE: In Need Of Refuge

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 3

Ending - 4

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 4

Dialogue reveals character -  3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 3

Total: 3.2