Don's Edit: Don comes clean.  I fat fingered SteveUK's score as 4.43 rather than 3.43. So Vin's The 5th Horseman is the Writer's Choice.

Steve will still get a Crappy Mug as everyone else in the top five already has a crappy mug. I have something special for Vin.

I rechecked the scores and that is the only mistake.  Apologies for any trauma this may have caused.  Of course I will refund the entry fees for this OWC to everyone who entered.


The Order of the Crappy Mug will be bestowed upon Stephen Wells (SteveUK) for his script Play Dead.

A second Order of the Crappy Mug will be bestowed upon Taylor Scott (VancityTaylor) for having his script Everyone Has Their Own Demons (written in a week under the name "Insert Name Here") sold yesterday. (Producer had to contact me since he couldn't find an email address for "Insert Name Here").

Theme was Apocalypse. Genre Open.

Average of Writer's Choice, ScriptShadow  Logline and Title Analysis and "Pia's Industry Friend"

The 5th Horseman by Vin Conzo (Conz)  writing as Mennen - Short, Apocalypse, Comedy - When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse fail to end life on Earth, their tech savvy younger brother must use his knowledge of modern society to help fulfill the prophecy. 13 pages - Score 3.5

Play Dead by Stephen Wells (SteveUK)  writing as Anonymous 3 - Short, Apocalypse, Horror, YA - In the aftermath of the zombie apocalypse, one man believes he has the perfect strategy to survive, but what will his plan cost him? 11 pages - Score 3.43

Earth's Final Moments by Mark Renshaw (Mark Renshaw)  writing as Anonymous 8 - Short, Apocalypse, Sci Fi, YA - When the moon spins out of orbit and the true masters of Earth power down the sun, humanity has to decide if it should go quietly into the night, or face extinction in a spectacular blaze of glory. 11 pages - Score 3.2

Microcosm by Ryan Lee (Ryan1)  writing as Ludwig Samuels - Short, Apocalypse, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In the deepest recesses of Area 51, a long-imprisoned alien makes a horrifying confession to its only human friend. 8 pages - Score 3.06

A Toast, To Armageddon by Eric Wall (EWall433)  writing as Anonymous 4 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Thriller - When an estranged father kidnaps his ten year old son in preparation for the end of the world, the boy must decide exactly how much he trusts the man he calls 'Dad'. 13 pages - Score 3.03

In Order of Writer's Choice

Nero by Cameron Dueker (Cameron)  writing as Prodigy - Short, Apocalypse, Action, Adventure - A survivor and his AI companion navigate the dilapidated ruins of an abandoned city overrun by aggressive technology scavengers and disease.  13 pages

The Last Days of Demons by Chris Shalom (Heretic)  writing as Anonymous (but not *that* Anonymous) - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Fantasy - Two strangers find refuge in a cabin as the world falls apart. But then the owner comes home. 13 pages

Lost Apocrypha by John Staats (JEStaats)  writing as My Name Here - Short, Apocalypse, Horror - The Roanoke Colony wasn't lost, it was recalled. 9 pages

Winter Bunkerland by Alex Brauck (PrussianMosby)  writing as Anonymous 14 - Short, Apocalypse, Dystopian, Drama - In a confined underground shelter, two children celebrate Christmas among an isolated community that represents the entire humankind. 6 pages

Everyone Has Their Own Demons by Taylor Scott (VancityTaylor)  writing as Insert Name Here - Short, Apocalypse, Dramedy, Sci Fi - The willpower of a recovering alcoholic is put to the test when he takes shelter from the apocalypse in a sports bar. 11 pages

Folly by Cameron Gray (Cam Gray)  writing as Anonymous 1 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama - God and his son, Jeff, recount the apocalypse and discuss the foolishness of man. 11 pages

For Honey or Gold by Jordan Littleton (Jordan)  writing as Anonymous 12 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Sci Fi, Drama-Fi - A scientist struggles against the overseer of the last remaining greenhouse on Earth, Fort Knox, after a biotech company destroys all vegetation on the planet. 10 pages

The Antidote by Gary Howell (Hawkeye)  writing as H. G. Wells - Short, Apocalypse, Drama - When a deadly virus threatens to wipe out the human race, the only hope to stop it rests in the hands of a suicidal scientist. 11 pages

Life Or Death by Glenn Doyle (IamGlenn)  writing as Anonymous 6 - Short, Apocalypse, Dramedy, Horror - At a family get together during the zombie apocalypse, two brothers must decide what needs to be done with their elderly, undead mother. 11 pages

Glitch by Dena McKinnon (Pale Yellow)  writing as Morpheus - Short, Apocalypse, Drama - The first child raised by AI, encounters a fellow human for the first time. 10 pages

Perseverance by Jeff Bush (Dreamscale)  writing as Anonymous 11 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama (but not Drama) - Life and death plays out on a secluded atoll in the Indian Ocean for the local population and an estranged couple, unaware of the coming destruction. 13 pages

Random Order

Honeycomb Apocalypse by Darren James Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley)  writing as Juno Whoo - Short, Apocalypse, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In a nation overrun with giant mutated bees and wasps, it's up to team of young exterminators to rescue survivors and get some action on the side. 14 pages

Survival First, Inc by Steve Miles (stevemiles)  writing as Bruce Bangley - Short, Apocalypse, Comedy, Satire - With armageddon looming, two security professionals market a range of services to ensure everyone, no matter how liberal, gets a shot at survival in a post-apocalyptic world. 9 pages.

In Need Of Refuge by Anony Mouse (yosemitesam)  writing as Anonymous 7 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama - As the shit is about to hit the fan, it’s now or never for a desperate hillbilly and his two companions.  14 pages

The Prophetic Angel by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer)  writing as A Little Fluffy Cloud - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, YA - Trapped in a coma by a failed drug trial, but still able to hear, a homeless man's survival soon depends on the visions of the daughter he abandoned. 13 pages

The Magician Of Peacock Springs by Steven Clark (StevenClark)  writing as Baby Dill - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Thriller - A Nazi war criminal has unleashed the Apocalypse, and mankind's only hope resides within an eight-year-old girl who can stick spoons to her face. 13 pages

Pranks For Nothing by Steve McDonell (stevie)  writing as Anonymous 115 - Short, Apocalypse, Comedy, YA - A teenager tackles his little brother's pranks. April Fools anyone? 15 pages

Next by Wes Chick (Wes)  writing as Anonymous - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, YA - The truth about reality is revealed as the world comes to an end.  11 pages

The Gospel by Dave Farnum (heydaddystudios)  writing as Anonymous 10 - Short, Apocalypse, Dramedy, Thriller - Financial inequality forces civil war across the world, but a man and his followers believe atonement can be made when not found. 7 pages

Room For One More by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood)  writing as M.E. - Short, Apocalypse, Drama - When well-meaning AI creates eternal life for everyone at the same time, two old friends unexpectedly reconnect, as the scientist responsible wrestles with his Hobson's choice.  8 pages

Project: Beatitude by Dan Campisi (Dan C)  writing as One Who Watches - Short, Apocalypse, Sci Fi - As billions slip into an irreversible coma, the fate of humanity hinges on a gutless man battling the ultimate evil. 13 pages

Make America Great Again by Chris Bodily (ChrisBodily)  writing as Walter Gates & Carl Bernwood - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Political, Thriller - In post-apocalyptic Oklahoma, one year into Donald Trump's presidency, three people with opposing political views discover a tape proving that the President colluded with Russia. 12 pages

For It Is Written by Mark Moore (Irish Eyes)  writing as Anonymous 9 - Short, Apocalypse, Thriller - A couple of college kids don scuba gear in search of treasure, but it's above water that they find an unwanted discovery. 5 pages

Congrats to Stephen on the win, Taylor for the sale and everyone else for getting a script in.

Congrats and salutations to our winners and a big tip of the hat to Taylor for cranking out a sale in a OWC!

Really well done to Steve, Play Dead was brilliant and a very worthy winner. Congrats to Taylor too, really liked your effort and great that it's been picked up. Just a quiet reminder to review scripts in future challenges but well done, great work!

Revised congrats now. Well done Conz, told you the logline vote would be significant!

Congrats to all winners and entrants alike.

Fun OWC...thanks Pia and Don!

Wow! A sale for a week's worth of work! Congrats Vancity! That's awesome!

I had 5th Horseman and Play Dead as my top two favorites so glad to see that both got the credit they deserved

Good job to all. I've done a few OWC's now and I'd say by far this was the best one yet. Lots of entries, a little star power and a script sale really has set the bar high. Thanks Pia and Don as well. Amazing little contest you came up with.

About that entry fee refund though....... :)

to quote the great Robot Chicken version of M Night Shyamalan, "what a tweest!"

thanks for voting guys.  thanks to Carson for digging the logline.  Pia's writer friend can go to the setting of my script...

i kid. i kid.  that's what i do.  as i said, i expect, and appreciate tougher critiques from those who do this for a living.

maybe some day all of us can do this for a living.  <-- this bit of inspiration brought to you by Conz.

also, props to Taylor for a sale, way to go man.  that's such an awesome word, "sale."  Gotta tell me that's like one day.  Hope it gets produced

Congrats winners! This was a pretty fun OWC. Thanks Don and Pia for doing this. :)

~Zack~

That is awesome news. Congrats to Taylor. Not hard to see why someone would want to pick that one up. Strong concept, smart design budget-wise.

This was my first OWC in a while and it was an absolute blast. Thanks for all your work, Pia and Don!

Thanks for all the hard work Pia and Don, before this challenge I hadn't written anything for over a year and it felt great to get something down on paper again.

The feedback and comments I received has blown me away, and given me plenty of ideas to tweak the script.

I'm currently awain New York for my birthday, but as soon as I get home I'm gonna get started in the rewrite. And the crappy mug is a nice surprise early birthday present!

Well, I didn't take last this time.  Kinda bummed out a bit.  But, I did learn a valuable lesson about loglines   but I will also confused.  How much do you give up?

In other words, I wrote Project Beatitude.  I understand most of the critical scores.  I thought I would have scored better for originality but I didn't.  Back to the logline, how much of the surprises do I spill?  Can I get some guidance on this?

Congrats to everyone and also on the sold script.  WOW.  

Thanks Pia and Don.  Can't wait for the next one.

Dan

PS, I will write more later.

Quoted from DanC ...but I will also confused.  How much do you give up? In other words, I wrote Project Beatitude.  I understand most of the critical scores.  I thought I would have scored better for originality but I didn't.  Back to the logline, how much of the surprises do I spill?  Can I get some guidance on this?

I am far from a logline guru or expert, but I am totally in disagreement with some of the "pro" comments about not giving enough away in terms of what was going to happen.

Why spoil it in the fucking logline?  I guess the answer is when these gatekeepers have 100+ scripts at all times in front of them, they don't want to read through to find the gems - they'd rather know up front, from the logline, what to expect.

I've never known how to even attempt a logline for a story that hinges on twists and surprises

Yeah! The 5th Horseman! My favorite!
Really enjoyed this. Congrats to everyone.

Quoted from Conz I've never known how to even attempt a logline for a story that hinges on twists and surprises

I got a "1" on my logline so I can't help you there, lol.  Never fails, I wait until the last minute to enter and completely forget about the log.

Oh wow that's a lot of calculations Pia and Don did - seems like a lot of work. Thanks for that and for a great OWC!

Congrats to the mug getters! Use it wisely.

And congrats to all who entered!

Congrats to all the winners and everyone that entered.

Congrats to Steve and Vin and Taylor, and everyone else who entered! Fun challenge as always.

Also thanks to Pia, Don, Carson and whoever is behind door number one for all the effort put in.

Congrats boys on win and sale ...great job. Was one of the best owcs so far.

Wow, the two writers I guessed ended up being wrong.

I had Dan for Honeycomb Apocalypse (Since he kept discussing his love of B movies, and this was the only B movie concept I came across).

And I had Chris S. (Heretic) for The Gospel (Since he has an Alanis avatar and the script contains a questionable use of the word "ironic." Overthinking it? ;D)

The others I would never have been able to guess.

Big congrats to the Conz. Loved that one. Congratulations to Taylor on the sale. Another favorite.

I read some of Carson's notes on several scripts, and... I'm convinced he and Jeff are the same person. ;D "Does a prank exist in the physical realm? How can you tackle it?" Um, it's a figure of speech?

I'm surprised at the mixed-to-negative reception of my script. I knew going political would be risky, but a lot of people didn't "get" what I was going for. Even Carson didn't get it. It kind of stings (pun intended) that he rated Honeycomb Apocalypse higher ( A script I loved, by the way). Mine was a very serious effort, a cautionary tale of what kind of apocalypses Trump might be capable of as "President*." I was going for Hunger Games/Mad Max/All the President's Men.

I got a 1 from Carson but got a decent 3 from Aaron Sorkin, or at least I'll assume it was Aaron Sorkin. ;D It's comforting that Khammana, a Russian, liked a script about Trump conspiring with Putin. Thank you for that. I was more scared of you than I was these pros.

I had a nuclear blast with this OWC. Everyone's imaginations were on fire, even the ones I didn't care for.

I now own the bottom. See if you guys can beat that. I dropped the ball more than once on this one. Live and learn. Congrat's to everyone. I will CRUSH the next challenge.

Well, at least I fooled Chris!!  So, my work is done here.  ;)

It's not like anyone liked my story...

Actually, that's not true.  I had fun writing it and I think it can be a good story.

I admit that the execution was bad.  

But, I learned a lot, and that's what the exercise is supposed to do.  

I have never written anything with under 24-page limit events.  I can craft a deep story in 24 or more, but, to do it in less than say 12 is really new and hard for me.

But, this one (IMO) was my best attempt so far.  And a few reviews were actually positive this time.  I need to further break my ties to my prose past and just focus on the screenplay aspect of writing.  I didn't have to spend 3 pages showing 3 separate instances of him being a coward.  One would have been enough.

IMO, one of the biggest changes from prose to screenwriting is the lack of constantly doing the same things to make sure the audience sees it.  In other words, if you have a thief in a prose story, even short, you need to constantly refer to that aspect of him.  In a screenplay, you write it once and that's it.  

I only had to show once that he was a coward.  

I also need to stop my love of old movies.  I kinda patterned that on "It's a wonderful life" where God is explained to Clarence why he's so important.  That won't work today.  

Same as the martian princess won't work in a remake of Ghidorah the 3-headed monster.

Yep, that came out of nowhere...

I also didn't have to cut pages of story.  Just 5 lines.  So, I think I'm getting better.

The reviews were harsh, but, that's the gatekeepers.  Writing isn't for the feint of heart.

Congrats to all who entered.  And a special thanks to my friends and everyone else who helped me.


Dan

Quoted Text And I had Chris S. (Heretic) for The Gospel (Since he has an Alanis avatar and the script contains a questionable use of the word "ironic." .

Jeez Louise I really dropped the ball on my execution. In all fairness, it's my second attempt at writing a script. Doesn't get me off the hook for the grammatical flaws, but it helps soften the blows.

As far as the irony goes, I meant for the line to read "Uncle Sam and the boys really put you through the cookie cutter," because Bishop was "the perfect military model". Then, he responds with "I don't follow," which would be ironic because the perfect military model would be able to "follow" orders to perfection.

As far as the rest of the story goes...if anyone is interested in understanding what the hell is going on in the Gospel I will post a very detailed explanation and answer all questions individually by tonight. If it even matters to anyone, Idk, but there is an actual story underneath all that crap! Thanks for reading and congrats to everybody!

Congrats to Steve, and Vin who finally brought it home I see

obviously you served the total package in this hard challenge.

Very diverse OWC, rich in variety, with great guidance and organisation by Pia.

Quoted from ChrisBodily I had Dan for Honeycomb Apocalypse (Since he kept discussing his love of B movies, and this was the only B movie concept I came across). ... It kind of stings (pun intended) that he (Carson) rated Honeycomb Apocalypse higher ( A script I loved, by the way)..

Equally stunned. Unlike the script written off and on for a week) that logline] was made up on the fly when I submitted the draft a few hours before deadline. I'm not sure why Carson liked my logline more than yours. I just try to get the essence of the script in a nutshell, short and sweet, right to the point, like most of my peers here.

Dan isn't the only one 'round here with a fondness with B films and cult movies. Heck, I was assuming folks already knew I wrote Honeycomb. My writing style usually  sticks out like a gardener's green thumb.

Congrats to Vin and Steve -- well deserved, both of you. And congrats to everyone for completing a script and entering.

I'm gobsmacked to find that my entry ("The Antidote") ended up in the Writer's Choice group, given the reviews. Carson gave my longline a 2, and the pro reader gave me some 4's and a 5, but also a bunch of 1's. So a bit of a puzzle, really. Confession: this really was a last minute entry. I started Friday after I got off work and got it done with about an hour to go. I probably should have used the entire week to outline and plot it out better, but the idea didn't hit me until Friday. Oh well.

I kept thinking I had Mark Moore's entry pegged - turns out I was way off!

Oh -- and big thanks to Don, as always for hosting this challenge, and to Pia, who did yeoman's work in keeping all the minions in line.  A great OWC indeed!

Gary

That's Don and Pia for that.

Well done to the chosen scripts - some nice work and decent consents in there.

Congratulations to Conz on 5th Horseman. That was one of my favourites!

Congratulations as well to Taylor for selling Demons. This one I liked as well, the only thing which stopped me marking it as excellent was I wasn't that sold on the ending but it's a solid story which will go across awell on screen.

I was very happy with my scores. The reviews as well I as pleased with, quite a mixed reaction (as always).

Well done all on entering this excellent OWC and having the courage to face a barrage of brute honesty. I really enjoyed reading all of your hard work.

-Mark

Quoted from Gary I kept thinking I had Mark Moore's entry pegged - turns out I was way off!

;D;D;D

I guess you pegged me for a comedy!  Yeah I chose not to go down that road in fact I chose not to write anything until Friday night 8:00 lol.. work restraints and look how well that showed ;D

In the Immortal words of Mr Bush

Quoted from JC Cleveland Wow!  Sorry, but very little effort appears to have been put into this.  Easily the worst entry I've come across.  Score - 0.

;D;D;D Well at least he managed to read the whole thing ;D

And if I got anything outta it, it was to make a grown happy... A little too happy ;D

Quoted from Mark Renshaw After reading close to 30 scripts, I did a little sex wee when I spotted this was 3 pages, so thanks for that!

You're welcome Mark !

Overall yeah it was bad and lacked effort big time and so I  really apologize to all the peeps that I beat with the pro writer... That's why you shouldn't take his results to heart.

So again sorry guys except for Steve Clark beating his ass with his girl and her pet toaster in the middle of America fighting a flame throwing German Nazi... that was just sweet ;D

Quoted from irish eyes So again sorry guys except for Steve Clark beating his ass with his girl and her pet toaster in the middle of America fighting a flame throwing German Nazi... that was just sweet ;D

Effort doesn't always equal results, sadly. However, I was happy to see your 2 hour Friday night, beer soaked writing session produced a 2.1, or something like that. You have much to be proud of. :)

;D ;D ;D

Congrats to the winners and everyone who entered!

Quoted from MarkItZero Congrats to the winners and everyone who entered!

I echo these thoughts as well. Congrats