Dexter's Laboratory: The Laboratory by Masatotai - Series, Horror - {no logline} - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dexter's Laboratory - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer

Hi, Waleed.

I read the first 10.
First things first - your formatting is off, you don't have to number your scenes, the line spacing is off and some passages are too thick. Better keep it to 4 lines max.

So you converted comedy into horror. I say make it more horrific then.
Spoilers - not having Dexter in the first 10 doesn't sound good to me.

Overall it's a slow start for me.
Didn't get a sense if it's an animation or not. Possibly not.

Your writing is descriptive and good. Nice job here.

I agree that the formatting is off in places, though the content is evocative enough to read around that. There's one annoying repeated typo with Dee Dee's name spelled Dee dee.

Spoilers:
The plotline here is pretty linear. That's not unusual for purely episodic TV horror (Tales of the Dark Side, etc.), but this looks like it's supposed to have recurring characters so there should be a little bit more going on. In particular, this kind of main character reveal is only going to work once in a series (very good example would be The West Wing).

No logline. But then again, who isn't familiar with Dexter's Lab? Horror? I'm sold! :D

Scenes in a spec script aren't numbered, and even when they are (in a shooting script only) they are numbed on both sides.

Quoted Text James takes a tentative step s back.

Quoted Text [DEE DEE], 18[,] blonde, dressed in short skirt and a pink tank top, giggles as she jumps into frame.

Quoted Text DEE DEE (sarcastic) Haha! You should’ve seen your face.

It should either have (MORE) and Cont'd, or better yet, the whole thing should move to the next page.

Quoted Text James scowls[.] Dee [D]ee rolls her eyes.

The "D's" in Dee Dee should be capitalized in all instances, as it's a proper name. Also, these are two different sentences. Be mindful of punctuation.

Quoted Text The couple walk hand in hand[,] laughing airily in the open woods. Dee dee abruptly stops, forcing James to jerk forward.

You appear to be a new writer. Be careful with those orphans (single words in action paragraphs, taking up a whole line). They can add up and inflate the page count.

Quoted Text It's empty[.]

Quoted Text INT.LABORATORY LOBBY -  NOON

The time of day in a slug should simply be DAY or NIGHT. Occasionally, DUSK or DAWN is acceptable.

This paragraph is way too long. Break it up into three, four, or even five paragraphs.

Quoted Text to see (a) chair(s) floating.

Pick one.

Chucky Cheese (Actually Chuck E. Cheese) is a proper name and must be capitalized.

Quoted Text A single tear runs down Dee Dee['s] face.

Dexter is a proper name and must always be capitalized.

Quoted Text after [the] whole thing.

Quoted Text because of our age difference[,]

Quoted Text completely restructure of the system.

Dee Dee's dialogue needs to be broken up with MORE and cont'd.

Quoted Text Dee dee nudges him in the ribs playfully. He stumbles back. SFX: Splash.

This whole paragraph should be broken up in order to read better.

Quoted Text The light above explodes

or

Quoted Text The lights above explode

Pick one.

I would capitalize...

*SPOILER*

HUMANOID FIGURE.

Quoted Text Dee dee pulls James away from the creature. Her breath light and erratic. The creature turns to them. Even in the darkness, it’s glowing red eyes can be seen.

This whole entire paragraph needs to be broken up.

"Heavy metal table?" Like heavy metal music? I think you mean "Heavy, metal table."

"Makeshift" is one word.

Those parentheticals should be used sparingly, if at all.

*SPOILER*

Quoted Text Its’s [It's] above us[.]

Quoted Text Dee dee and James rush out [of] the room.

Quoted Text Dee [D]ee and James run as fast as their as feet can carry them, [b]oth of the[m] breathless as they speed past several doors.

Quoted Text A streak of scarlet paints James['s] shirt.

This whole paragraph needs to be broken up.

Quoted Text INT. LABORATORY LIBRARY

Another fat paragraph that desperately needs to be broken up. Each paragraph should be no more than five (six, if absolutely necessary) lines. This one's a staggering 13 lines!

Quoted Text James kneels down slowly and picks up [a] piece of broken tile,  his hand shaking with fear and fury.

Quoted Text His shiv finds his [its?] mark.

Quoted Text Dexter lets out [a] deep sigh.

*SPOILER*

Quoted Text For the [N]ew [W]orld [O]rder[,] of course[.]

No FADE IN or FADE OUT.

And an extra, blank page? What program did you use?

Formatting/grammar was way off in places, but the story was strong enough for me to march on. Good job. You just need to work on your formatting, spelling, grammar, and especially your English.

First off, no logline? Tsk tsk. No excuse there.

I loved this show as a kid, so I was actually excited to read this one. Unfortunately it didn't quite work for me.

Lots of format and writing mistakes.

At one point you say the creatures eyes glow red in the darkness, then once the creature is revealed, it's blindfolded. Am I missing something here.

The action lines are super chunky, break them up. It'll make for a quicker read.

The concept of this is actually quite good and well thought out. I particularly like the backstory of the parents. It gives Dexter good motivation.

Gonna have to give this one a pass.

~Zack~

There's a thin line between reboot and spoof. I feel like this is more of the latter. James is introduced like we should know who he is. I used to watch Dexter (still do, on occasion) but don't recall a James.

Hmmm...just finished. This works as a one-off spoof, but not sure if it would as a reboot.

Before  I start (actually I have started), Dexter was a favorite for me and my kids. A reboot is hard to do. To see one done well (Lost in Space on Netflix), is to be in Nirvana. Few reboots can pull you in like that. Although I enjoyed the writing, the story could have been stronger. The first 10 minutes focused on Dee Dee and her boyfriend instead of Dexter. I don't think this Dexter is better than before just different. The syringe wasn't enough of a hook for me. The Next Dex will be better.

Thanks for all the feed back guys! I'll have to go through each individually at a later time (When work isn't biting my time) Sorry for the format, unfortunately my usual script program kept on crashing so I had to use a template I downloaded from the internet in word, and I had no idea on how to change the number thing. I agree, the story was pretty weak. This is why we never submit first drafts. I revisit this when I can keep my anxiety down! :D

Hey Waleed (it's supposed to be anonymous but there's no secret here).

Right then, there's huge issues all over the place in formatting and typos, so what I'll do is just try to list some really simple pointers to help you out.

1. Cut the descriptions down in size, try to aim for maybe 3 lines max and break them up if you need to go large on that front.

2. Once you're finished, copy the entire script into Word and find the typos with red underlines.

3. Spend a good bit of time studying scripts around here and reading tips online re formatting. FADE IN and FADE OUT's are really basic misses, but that's the tip of the iceberg here.

4. Lose the numbering of the scenes, as that's saved for your shooting scripts.

So, there's some simple pointers to just tidy your work up. What you do have going for you is a knack for visualisation. I fought my way through the chunks of descriptions, but your visualisation was actually really strong, and I could really see the action.

The dialogue was alright but needs a good few proof reads as it flowed in some parts and collapsed in others.

It's never gonna win the challenge, but there's a lot to work with. It doesn't seem like you've done a load of writing (judging by the final outcome) so if you've managed to craft your visualisations from relatively little expreience then there's some talent there and it's definitely worth working on.

All the best,

Cam

It was pretty close to enjoyable, you had me sold for the majority of the beginning. Like, I was really interested to see where this was going. I just wish you didn’t give it the Halloween episode ending. Monsters are fine, new world order is fine, all these things are fine, but you focused more on the twist ending and the reveal than you did on the actual story of the characters.

Why do I say this? Because you relied on Dee Dee to tell the audience basically everything we wanted to know in one conversation instead of hinting at these possibilities so there would be the option to build on them. Don’t be afraid to leave stuff to the readers imagination.

New writer it seems. Congrats on entering!

These OWCs are a great learning exercise so take the feedback you get on here to heart. Trial by fire is the best way to get better. Lots of little errors here I'm sure have been pointed out already. DAY or NIGHT in your slugs usually work just fine. No need for SFX on sounds, Just CAP them all and you're good. CRASH! Make sure to CAP characters the first time we see them in the script too. Action should be no more than 5 sentences max. A few passages here were much longer than that. Lots of telling, not much showing as the script is mainly just Dee remembering prior events. No real sense of direction, no stakes. Why is she returning to the old lab? Why now?

Didn't care for this at all, not a huge fan of the original show and this went nowhere. But again, that's not the point. Keep writing. And maybe the most important thing you can do to get better quickly.  Read and comment on the other scripts in the challenge. Looking at other examples and on your own finding what works and what doesn't is a fast way to shorten the learning curve. You really are cheating yourself if you don't leave your own feedback on other's work. I look forward to seeing your comments.

Not sure this fit the challenge, but I appreciate the effort here.  It had its moments, but for the most part the dialogue felt a little bit on the nose and the action blocks way too descriptive.  The story was decent, but I never really felt connected to the characters.

Only tell us enough to set the stage and allow us to fill in the rest with our imagination.  That will serve you well going forward.  I think you will also benefit by utilizing a standard screenwriting software.  You don't have to get Final Draft or Movie Magic Screenwriter, maybe look at free software like Fade In or even Writer Duet online.

Best of luck going forward,
Gary

Writer,

No idea what I just read. Don't know the show, and with no logline to help guide me this just makes me feel like -- what did I just read? Sorry, but this was lost on me. And based on the writing, and what other readers have said, this needs some work. So overall, a good effort in completing this, but poorly executed. Not for me, but good luck!

Steve

Steve, did you happen to give this (below) a read first? And/or a YouTube ep?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dexter%27s_Laboratory

I wouldn't know this series if I fell over it either, but does any of the source material elevate your opinion of what you read?
Just wondering, (in fairness to the writer,) considering I've read quite a few comments like yours (not just from you) on other threads i.e., never heard of it, can't make head or tail of it, etc.

I understand what you’re saying, Libby. Honestly, I’m basing all of my reviews on quality of writing and, more importantly, story. Or cohesiveness of story. With the page length of these it’s already a tall task to get through them all, which I will do. So in fairness, at least in my reviews, I’ve chosen not to read/view the source material as I just don’t have the time. Instead I’m just focusing on the story. Whether or not I’m familiar with the show really holds no weight for me. It’s either good or it’s not. I would think that’s fair.

Steve

Diving right in, I'll start with the good. This is most definite a reboot that tries to play a hard Tim Burton note. Dexter was the most interesting character in this, my best guess is because there's some insight into what motivates him to create. The writing was visual at times, but there wasn't really anything that anchored the story's progression. The read felt like a see-saw of WTF -  one minute I'm engaged, the next...new world order.

I think the story needs context before the plummet into the lab. Also, if this show is trying to create the type of colorful, morose atmosphere that I think the writer was going for, then the lab could benefit from a sense of amazement and wonder.

There's no doubt this reboot is interesting, but the only way I can articulate it is that the entire story is on-the-nose without any understanding of what brought James and Dee Dee together.

I can't say this reboot is my thing. I do think the author put enough out there for us readers to have a creative dialogue about it, even though most of the spaghetti didn't stick.

Characters were introduced.
A killing that wasn't a killing happened.
What didn't happen was a narrative that would show us the type of story we could expect to see if the series was rebooted.

I got this one mixed up with Michael C. Hall's Dexter of which I was a fan of.  Now that I've watched most of a sample episode of Dexter's Laboratory I can see right off the bat that DeeDee and Dex have a real Garfield and Odie relationship that generates most of the humor.  He's a dead serious lab rat, she's a free spirit.

That back and forth wasn't present here, not showing Dex until almost the end.  Then again, if this is meant to be the pilot of a reboot, I can totally understand all the heavy exposition about the outhouse lab, the parents car accident, Dexter never being the same again, etc.  All of this being one big build up to the reveal of our main character.    

What would have been fun is having DeeDee describe the lab and her brother's work with a more light hearted playfulness and aloof attitude as these horribly strange and unexplainable things continue to happen around James.   That juxtaposition would have bun really funny and given us a glimpse at this brother/sister relationship.  

As it is written, it feels a bit more horror with zero element of comedy.  I guess I'm not sure what direction you were trying to take this.    


You have a way with descriptions and I did enjoy your visuals and the lab itself but did have some trouble picturing a lot of this as I was unfamiliar with the cartoon.  Glass is shattering and green liquid is pouring from various doors and got lost as to where all of this was coming from.  I had to re read that sequence a couple of times to get a visual.