Philips comes across as a bit too villainous - a typical characterization of a bad guy doing bad things for the sake of it. He could probably be fleshed out more - right now he does not feel realistic.
Quoted Text Tommy sees the guns beside him.
Tommy reaches for the guns. Philips notices and pins Tommy�s arm to the ground.
Philips reaches for the guns. He has a hand on one of them when Tommy escapes from beneath him.
Tommy gets a hand on the gun. Both men tussle over it. Philips, eventually comes out victorious.
Tommy lays on the ground on his back and breathes heavily.
Philips gets to his feet and points the gun at Tommy.
Tommy looks uncomfortable. He puts his hand behind his back and feels the steel of the other gun.
Tommy whips the gun out from beneath him and points it at Philips.
Tommy scrambles to his feet and the two men stare each other down, guns pointed at each other.
More explosions in the town behind Philips.
Tommy grips the gun tight and shakes.
Philips smiles.
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Try changing the perspective in your descriptions, they can definitely flow better. Look at the above, it's really "Tommy does this... Tommy does this...."
Yea this is a script for a movie, a blueprint - but we don't want to write so matter-of-factly - You gotta show the beats of the scene, the emotions - make the read itself exciting - If the read is boring, chances are any script readers/producers will beleive the movie to be boring.
take a scene in your first Act...
Quoted Text Bombs fall.
The camp burns.
Soldiers shoot at the sky and are gunned down as the planes return fire.
Tommy takes a deep breath and runs between explosions.
Tommy stops beside the
PRISON ENCLOSURE
where the barbed wire fence is completely destroyed.
Gerhard crawls, in pain, across the grass. He stops and clutches his leg.
Tommy looks back and sees Philips and the Soldiers fire their rifles into the sky as the German planes make another pass.
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It's devoid of excitement and emotion - bombs fall - where are the sound effects here? KABOOM, BANG - blah blah blah (alright, you don't HAVE to have sound effects, but I like them) - this is a high-intensity scene but the descriptions of it don't convey that. When reading it, I want to be made to feel like I am WATCHING the scene unfold before me. bombs fall just isn't very descriptive.
I'm not great at explaining myself, so I am just going to leave this scene from Saving Private Ryan...
This isn't a spec script - but - See how this creates very clear imagery? conveys emotions and follows a good beat through the scene?
Best of luck to you in your writing :)
Matt