Under The Sheet by Zack Akers - Short, Horror - An artist is haunted by his art. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The film can be viewed here

Thanks for getting this up, Don.

Challenged myself to write a 2-page horror script with no violence. This is what I came up with. :)

Hey man, this was a cool little micro horror short. It has viral potential, ala "Lights Out". And, like "Lights Out", the concept itself is strong enough to consider using as the basis of a feature IMO. Although I wanted him to keep looking to the drawing and seeing something different each time, whether it's something missing or maybe he appears on the page, not sure.

All in all, cool concept. I'd consider possibly expanding on the concept.

-- Michael

Pretty cool little micro short here.

These three passages threw me:

Quoted Text CLOSE ON the drawing. In it, a Figure with a white sheet draped over them stands in an eerie graveyard. Creepy. CLOSE ON the drawing. It’s just an eerie graveyard. No Figure with a sheet draped over them. It’s as if it was never there The light falls on a FIGURE WITH A WHITE SHEET DRAPED OVER THEM! It stands motionless on the other side of the room. Peeking out the bottom of sheet is a pair of muddy boots

draped over them.. In my mind I was seeing plural - I think it should be it.

Figure is a bit pedestrian as well. Maybe if you flipped it - e.g., A HUMAN FORM with a white sheet draped over it.

Ending was creepy but could use a tad of motivation. Just a suggestion here:

Allen straightens up, terrified.

HUMAN FORM
Soul thief!

Or something - just spit balling.

Really well written, Zack.

Thanks for reads. Glad both of you liked it. :)

Michael, funny you mentioned Lights Out. David Sanbergs horror shorts were definitely an inspiration for this. Love that guys work. As for potentially expanding this to a feature, I've got a pretty cool idea for what direction I would take this.

Dave, solid point about the Figure. Human Form would definitely be more clear. Not sure I understand the implication of your proposed final dialogue. How is Allen a soul thief?

Thanks again for the reads, Dudes. :)

Different.. very visual - I LIKED IT!

Good job Zack!

I would suggest making Allen a litlle bit less of a scaredy cat. You have him almost falling out of his chair when someone knocks on his door. I can't picture a healthy 29 yo male doing this unless he has a physical disability or something. Let him gradually build up some fear. Other than that, thumbs up.  :)

Thanks for reading, Barry and Pia. So happy everyone seems to like this. :)

Pia, about Allen nearly jumping out of his seat at the KNOCK, didn't mean to imply that it legitimately scared him, just startled him. I'll go back and see if I can't tweak it.

Thanks again. :)

Quoted from Zack Thanks for reads. Glad both of you liked it. :) Thanks again for the reads, Dudes. :)

Bad example on my part.

The point I was stumbling at making - and this if probably for me only - is that at level one you got this real creepy thing going on - a dude draws a picture - that picture ultimately materializes outside his door and kills him. Okay - that is good and creepy.

But for me the level two is adding the - why?  What is it about drawing this picture that results in that doom for our poor artist? I clumsily used the soul stealing theme is one answer - muddling the point even more.  

Hope that makes sense.

Quoted from eldave1 The point I was stumbling at making - and this if probably for me only - is that at level one you got this real creepy thing going on - a dude draws a picture - that picture ultimately materializes outside his door and kills him. Okay - that is good and creepy. But for me the level two is adding the - why?  What is it about drawing this picture that results in that doom for our poor artist? I clumsily used the soul stealing theme is one answer - muddling the point even more.

I get what you are saying. And I don't disagree that more motivation would only help improve this story. That said, I'm not really sure an explanation is needed for a micro-short like this. I dropped a hint that someone marked Allen's house(the bloody infinity symbol on the door), but perhaps I was too vague.

If I ever expand this, I promise to give a better idea as to WHY this is happening.

Thanks again for reading and sharing your thought, Dude. :)

Quoted from Zack I get what you are saying. And I don't disagree that more motivation would only help improve this story. That said, I'm not really sure an explanation is needed for a micro-short like this. I dropped a hint that someone marked Allen's house(the bloody infinity symbol on the door), but perhaps I was too vague. If I ever expand this, I promise to give a better idea as to WHY this is happening. Thanks again for reading and sharing your thought, Dude. :)

My pleasure

This is pretty good for a micro.  Creative, visual, with a couple of twists.

The ending could use a bit more pop, but this is true of virtually any horror script.

You are, however, employing one of my biggest (though I have many) horror movie grievances:

Quoted from script A loud THUD O.S. causes him to nearly jump out of his skin. He spins around, shines his flashlight around the room. The light falls on a FIGURE WITH A WHITE SHEET DRAPED OVER THEM! It stands motionless on the other side of the room.

So, why the THUD?

Nothing is moving. Nothing has fallen. I hate the never-explained horror-movie O.S. THUD. Take out the THUD. Just let him turn his flashlight and find it. It is even more startling without the THUD, IMO.

My two cents, anyway.  Nice short.

Thanks for reading, Bert. Much appreciated. :)

I see what you mean with the THUD. Originally I had FOOTSTEPS, maybe no sound is really needed. Thanks for the suggestion.

Like I  told you before, this is a very creative script. Nice, clean and short.

Quoted from ChrisBodily Like I  told you before, this is a very creative script. Nice, clean and short.

Thanks, Dude. Appreciate it. :)

Hey Zack,

Much like Michael had said, it's very a la "Lights Out". Good job with it. Very good micro short that could easily get picked up.

My only complaint is that why doesn't Allen get freaked out when he takes the sheet off first? He sees a figure beneath the sheet, takes the sheet off and there's nothing there. That would, in itself, freak me the hell out. But then he throws it back on the figure and we see the human shape again. I think you should have him "straighten up, terrified" when he pulls the sheet off revealing nothing. Then he throws the sheet on, and immediately the figure attacks him, THE END. Just simple rearranging of description.

Sean

Sean brings up a good point here... the sheet thing was done very well in that other short the dude from "Lights Out" did while in quarantine. And I get that's kinda the thing you were going for. But I think once he removes the sheets and sees nothing there, he freaks the F out and backs up... meanwhile maybe we see the boots (only the boots) taking a few fast steps towards him... and as a gut reaction, he throws the sheet at "it" as it charges at him... or something like that...

-- Michael

Hy Zack this is pretty decent.

There are a few odd phrasings, like "them", instead of "it", but overall it's not bad at all.

Biggest problems for me, are that there's just no reason for any of this going on , and we know nothing about Allen, so it's hard to root for him or fear for his well being.

Hey Zack,

Neat little short here. Tension, nice scene of him throwing the sheet back on the invisible figure and holding its shape.

I don’t think you ever came back to the picture the last time, when the figure actually appeared in the room. First look, ghost - second look, no ghost - third look, ?. That, right there, is what this story needs, imo.

We have this invisible ghost, muddy boots, the sheet thrown back on leading to the end. But why? Who is this ghost and why is he haunting here? The third look at that picture should hold the key. Even in the third look, if the ghost has returned, you need a why.

If you can think of a good explanation then you have a good short here. IMO.

Steve

Sorry for the delayed response. Thanks for the reads. :)

Seems most everyone seems to agree that the ending is missing something. I still want to keep this a micro-short, but I suppose I could add another page.

Sean, great point about Allen's reaction. I need to go back and rework that.

Michael, funny you mention the muddy boots stepping towards Allen at the end. I actually considered that, but I wasn't sure how hard it would be to pull off that effect. Maybe I'll put that back in.

Jeff, I get what you're saying about having no connection to Allen. Kinda tough for a micro-short like this, but I'll think about ways I can show a little more about Allen.

Steven, my thinking was that Allen wouldn't be looking back at the picture after he's seen the figure. The figure has his full attention now. That said, I do like the idea of giving the audience one last look at the picture before we cut to black. Maybe now Allen is in the picture?

Thanks again for all the great suggestions. I'm happy everyone seems to like this one. :)

This has been produced for the Spook SRK Film Contest. I'm very happy with how it turned out. Will be sharing it with you guys here soon. :)

Quoted from Zack This has been produced for the Spook SRK Film Contest. I'm very happy with how it turned out. Will be sharing it with you guys here soon. :)

Congratulations brother.

Go Zack!  8)

Aa, nice! Congrats!

Excellent. On ya, Zack!

Noice!!! Look forward to it

Thanks, everyone. :) We are just waiting to see the results of the challenge, then I'll share the movie. Can't wait for you all to see it. :)

Quoted from Zack Thanks, everyone. :) We are just waiting to see the results of the challenge, then I'll share the movie. Can't wait for you all to see it. :)

Excellent. I'm all pumped.

Congrats Zack, can't wait to see it. :D-A

Well, this was a no-brainer. Has a lot of potential to be a creepy short that I can see getting some serious views on Youtube if made competently. Can't wait to see it!

-- Michael

Filmed:

Thanks for posting this, Don.

I'm very happy with how this turned out. The director is super cool and we plan to work together more in the future. :)

Congrats Zack. Nice short film.

Congrats, bud - nice job.

Nice one, Zack! Great spooky vibe. Congrats.

That was awesome. Thanks for sharing.

Well done Zack - a nice short

Thanks, everyone. :)

That turned out great. Really well done.

Can't wait to see any future collaborations between you and the director.

Good job, Zack!

Quoted from PKCardinal That turned out great. Really well done. Can't wait to see any future collaborations between you and the director. Good job, Zack!

Thanks, Dude. :) The director is actually very interested in adapting "Here Comes The Bogeyman" into an indie feature. Fingers crossed that it works out.  ;D ;D ;D

Well done, this is nice and creepy. Its great you have clicked with a director who has done a great job producing your script. Look forward to seeing some more...

Wow, creepy creepy, nice!
I'm sorry I'm so sorry with Running in The Woods. It's a strong read, I started it, but I'm a bit all over the place these days.

Thanks, Kirsten and Kham. Happy you ladies enjoyed it. :)

Kham, you have no reason to apologize. Read it at your own pace, and if you lose interest, stop reading. Happy you are enjoying it so far. :)

Congrats, Zack. Nice job!

Thanks, David. Appreciate it. :)