SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Drama Scripts / Unsaid - OWC - Optioned - Filmed
Posted by: Don, September 18th, 2020, 11:55pm
Unsaid by David C Lambertson (writing as Anonymous) - Short, Drama - Are things truly better left unsaid?
Prompt: You're not the one for me. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: jwent6688, September 19th, 2020, 9:00am; Reply: 1
This was very well done. It's not my cup of tea, but it's a solid drama piece about people who stick out a broken marriage and the reasons they can't leave. The dialogue felt real - full of emotion. The pacing was very tight and kept the argument focused. A very fast read indeed.
Parameter-wise I'm not sure if the narrator counts as a fourth character or not, but regardless of that, this was an engaging short. Good job.
James
Posted by: Fais85, September 19th, 2020, 9:21am; Reply: 2
Wow! A real emotional piece.
It was to the point and hard-hitting. It would have been better if, in Jennifer's thoughts, we had seen something worse, something that is more heartbreaking. But that's just my opinion.
Great job here!
Posted by: irish eyes, September 19th, 2020, 2:43pm; Reply: 3
The writing was excellent here and the dialogue felt very real. A great capture of a wife going through a breakdown. I loved how you added the 2nd part brought the logline into place nicely.
Great job on entering
Posted by: JEStaats, September 19th, 2020, 2:44pm; Reply: 4
Fits the challenge perfectly. Nailed it. Very real dialogue.
If anything seemed out of place was the narrator defining unsaid. Totally unnecessary, in my opinion. I don't need any clues and it actually made me pause when it went to black screen later on.
Great work, writer.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, September 19th, 2020, 5:28pm; Reply: 5
"as if it were liquid patience" - that's a great line!
This is very good, dialogue felt genuine.
But, I definitely don't think it needs a narrator, doesn't (imho) add anything.
The ends, not sure how I feel about them at the mo.
Excellent effort though
Posted by: LC, September 19th, 2020, 11:50pm; Reply: 6
Parameters met.
Straight off, I'm not fond of the Narrator. It's too formal, more like a dictionary definition. An artistic choice, but... Perhaps this would be effective as a Super after the FADE, but I'm not sure... . Better if there's an actual 'voice' behind it?
This below, is the only dialogue that sounded unnatural to me, and only cause the contraction would sound better imho:
I am sorry. A real nitpick considering the rest of it is so easy on the ear.
DEREK DEREK Okay...okay. Look, I haven’t exactly been an angel myself. If you’ve made a mistake, it’s not the end of the world. We can --
JENNIFER I don’t have a lover. I’m seeing a therapist.
Funny, gotcha moment. Perhaps a missed opportunity for her to give him a knowing glance regarding the fact he has in fact been no angel? Then she could counter with the fact she doesn't care.
JENNIFER You’re confusing depression with clarity. Love this line.
No! No! You don’t get to leave! I'd personally delete the : No! No! Made it slightly melodramatic for me and his demand sounds better to my ear, but hey, nit-picking again probably.
Derek, gets off the couch Typo with that comma? There's another with: Jennifer lips quiver. Big deal, eh?
Ah, poor Jennifer. Now she's going stay in the marriage for another twelve years. :D Great use of the third variable.
Loved him throwing the beer bottle. Often typical physical demonstration of displeasure from a guy.
Very nicely done all round. No big long monologues to get the point across, just great easy on the ear dialogue. And, this is how it's done... imho. Great job.
P.S. Liquid patience. Nice variation on liquid courage.
Posted by: eldave1, September 20th, 2020, 11:00am; Reply: 7
Lose the opening Narrator - not needed.
Contractions are your friend - a couple of spots where their use would have sounded more natural.
Quoted Text
Derek, gets off the couch.
No comma needed.
Okay - meets the parameters - good.
I liked this - good job - kudos on enterting.
Posted by: greg, September 20th, 2020, 2:01pm; Reply: 8
Great work here! This really had an excellent setup, conflict, and resolution. Not because anything was actually "resolved" but because, as the reader, I was able to feel the sense of dread coming from Jennifer of being trapped in this marriage and I understood her decision not to say anything. IMO there was no right or wrong answer there but it was well played out.
I like that you made them normal people, too. Jennifer is "seeing" someone, a therapist, rather than cheating. Derek is a good father rather than a deadbeat. I like that. These are normal people stuck in a crappy situation, and you really told a complete tale in such a short amount of time.
Really good job!
Greg
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, September 21st, 2020, 9:58am; Reply: 9
The beginning sounded like the opening to the Twilight Zone which went off tone for me.
That being said, would it be obvious most of the script was Jennifer's unsaid thoughts? I did a bit of a double-take when they went back in time and revised the scene but this time Jennifer kept quiet. It took me a bit to figure out the first run-through was partially in her mind and without the narrator, would I have figured that out? I dunno!
It was easy to read, the dialogue simple and effective. Technically they did go to different locations in the house but I don't think anyone is fussed about that.
The only thing for me is originality. It's a typical scene about a married couple and one partner is unhappy. The way they talk is the same way such couples have talked in a thousand TV shows and movies. They don't talk in any spectacular way and it doesn't resolve in any way we haven't seen such stories play out before.
That's just a minor niggle though and a personal one as these types of scenes are not my cup of tea. This was very well written.
-Mark
Posted by: Spqr, September 21st, 2020, 2:05pm; Reply: 10
Excellent execution of the premise. Characters and dialogue were very good, and Jennifer’s dilemma at the end was made painfully clear.
Posted by: Claudio, September 22nd, 2020, 5:52pm; Reply: 11
Great dialogue, felt real. I really liked this.
SPOILERS I was expecting one more "rewind" with Derek just repeating: "Something bothering you?" However, it probably works better without that.
He seems to take the news well, makes me think that she shouldn't be as hesitant? He really only begs and throws a beer bottle into the night, I would expect something more vindictive/manipulative? Maybe she has no safety net?
Top 3 for me, awesome stuff~
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), September 23rd, 2020, 11:28am; Reply: 12
At first glance, I don't like the Narrator stuff, but let's see if it makes sense and is something to keep or throw out.
The end. OK, so as I figured, the Narrator stuff is completely useless and actually takes away from the script, right from the get go.
Writing is OK. There are some mistakes, but nothing too bad.
Dialogue is OK - not great, definitely not terrible. It doesn't always come off as natural, as you seem to omit contractions, which is how most of us speak.
Story is OK, but something we've all seen and maybe even experienced over and over.
There's just nothing new here. Nothing that stands out. It's not a bad effort, though.
Posted by: Geezis, September 23rd, 2020, 12:49pm; Reply: 13
Hi,
Great piece. Excellent dialogue, believable characters and all too realistic situation.
Well done.
Posted by: mmmarnie, September 24th, 2020, 1:21pm; Reply: 14
It's fairly obvious you write well. I never stumbled, or had to re-read anything for clarification, it was all pretty smooth. The problem I saw, is we've seen this scene a gazillion times before. Maybe this was your intention. If so, fair enough. And yours as well, I liked it, so good job... I just didn't luv it.-A
Posted by: RogerN, October 16th, 2020, 11:58am; Reply: 16
I enjoyed the read, very powerful. The dialog flows naturally, and I loved a few of JENNIFER's lines:
JENNIFER I don’t have a lover. I’m seeing a therapist. JENNIFER You’re confusing depression with clarity.
Personally, I was hoping for a happier ending, but I'm not sure there is one.
Well done.
Posted by: eldave1, October 16th, 2020, 3:44pm; Reply: 17