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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  Unsaid - OWC Moderators: LC
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Don
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Unsaid by Anonymous - Short, Drama - Are things truly better left unsaid?

Prompt: You're not the one for me. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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jwent6688
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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This was very well done. It's not my cup of tea, but it's a solid drama piece about people who stick out a broken marriage and the reasons they can't leave. The dialogue felt real - full of emotion. The pacing was very tight and kept the argument focused. A very fast read indeed.

Parameter-wise I'm not sure if the narrator counts as a fourth character or not, but regardless of that, this was an engaging short. Good job.

James


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Fais85
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Wow! A real emotional piece.

It was to the point and hard-hitting. It would have been better if, in Jennifer's thoughts, we had seen something worse, something that is more heartbreaking. But that's just my opinion.

Great job here!
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irish eyes
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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The writing was excellent here and the dialogue felt very real. A great capture of a wife going through a breakdown.  I loved how you added the 2nd part brought the logline into place nicely.

Great job on entering


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JEStaats
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Fits the challenge perfectly. Nailed it. Very real dialogue.

If anything seemed out of place was the narrator defining unsaid. Totally unnecessary, in my opinion. I don't need any clues and it actually made me pause when it went to black screen later on.

Great work, writer.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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"as if it were liquid patience" - that's a great line!

This is very good, dialogue felt genuine.

But, I definitely don't think it needs a narrator, doesn't (imho) add anything.

The ends, not sure how I feel about them at the mo.

Excellent effort though


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: September 20th, 2020, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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Parameters met.

Straight off, I'm not fond of the Narrator. It's too formal, more like a dictionary definition. An artistic choice, but...
Perhaps this would be effective as a Super after the FADE, but I'm not sure... . Better if there's an actual 'voice' behind it?

This below, is the only dialogue that sounded unnatural to me, and only cause the contraction would sound better imho:

I  am  sorry.
A real nitpick considering the rest of it is so easy on the ear.

DEREK DEREK Okay...okay.  Look,  I  havenít exactly  been  an  angel  myself.  If youíve  made  a  mistake,  itís  not  the end  of  the  world.  We  can  --  

JENNIFER I  donít  have  a  lover.  Iím  seeing  a therapist.

Funny, gotcha moment. Perhaps a missed opportunity for her to give him a knowing glance regarding the fact he has in fact been no angel? Then she could counter with the fact she doesn't care.

JENNIFER Youíre  confusing  depression  with clarity.
Love this line.

No!  No!  You  donít  get  to  leave!
I'd personally delete the : No! No!  Made it slightly melodramatic for me and his demand sounds better to my ear, but hey, nit-picking again probably.

Derek,  gets  off  the  couch
Typo with that comma?
There's another with: Jennifer  lips  quiver. Big deal, eh?

Ah, poor Jennifer. Now she's going stay in the marriage for another twelve years.  
Great use of the third variable.

Loved him throwing the beer bottle. Often typical physical demonstration of displeasure from a guy.

Very nicely done all round. No big long monologues to get the point across, just great easy on the ear dialogue.
And, this is how it's done... imho.
Great job.

P.S. Liquid patience. Nice variation on liquid courage.


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eldave1
Posted: September 20th, 2020, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Lose the opening Narrator - not needed.

Contractions are your friend - a couple of spots where their use would have sounded more natural.

Quoted Text

Derek, gets off the couch.


No comma needed.

Okay - meets the parameters - good.

I liked this - good job - kudos on enterting.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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greg
Posted: September 20th, 2020, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Great work here! This really had an excellent setup, conflict, and resolution. Not because anything was actually "resolved" but because, as the reader, I was able to feel the sense of dread coming from Jennifer of being trapped in this marriage and I understood her decision not to say anything. IMO there was no right or wrong answer there but it was well played out.

I like that you made them normal people, too. Jennifer is "seeing" someone, a therapist, rather than cheating. Derek is a good father rather than a deadbeat. I like that. These are normal people stuck in a crappy situation, and you really told a complete tale in such a short amount of time.

Really good job!

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: September 21st, 2020, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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The beginning sounded like the opening to the Twilight Zone which went off tone for me.

That being said, would it be obvious most of the script was Jennifer's unsaid thoughts? I did a bit of a double-take when they went back in time and revised the scene but this time Jennifer kept quiet. It took me a bit to figure out the first run-through was partially in her mind and without the narrator, would I have figured that out? I dunno!

It was easy to read, the dialogue simple and effective. Technically they did go to different locations in the house but I don't think anyone is fussed about that.

The only thing for me is originality. It's a typical scene about a married couple and one partner is unhappy. The way they talk is the same way such couples have talked in a thousand TV shows and movies. They don't talk in any spectacular way and it doesn't resolve in any way we haven't seen such stories play out before.

That's just a minor niggle though and a personal one as these types of scenes are not my cup of tea. This was very well written.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Spqr
Posted: September 21st, 2020, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent execution of the premise. Characters and dialogue were very good, and Jenniferís dilemma at the end was made painfully clear.
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Claudio
Posted: September 22nd, 2020, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Great dialogue, felt real. I really liked this.

SPOILERS
I was expecting one more "rewind" with Derek just repeating: "Something bothering you?"
However, it probably works better without that.

He seems to take the news well, makes me think that she shouldn't be as hesitant?
He really only begs and throws a beer bottle into the night, I would expect something more vindictive/manipulative?
Maybe she has no safety net?

Top 3 for me, awesome stuff~
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 23rd, 2020, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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At first glance, I don't like the Narrator stuff, but let's see if it makes sense and is something to keep or throw out.

The end.  OK, so as I figured, the Narrator stuff is completely useless and actually takes away from the script, right from the get go.

Writing is OK.  There are some mistakes, but nothing too bad.

Dialogue is OK - not great, definitely not terrible.  It doesn't always come off as natural, as you seem to omit contractions, which is how most of us speak.

Story is OK, but something we've all seen and maybe even experienced over and over.

There's just nothing new here.  Nothing that stands out.  It's not a bad effort, though.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Geezis
Posted: September 23rd, 2020, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Great piece. Excellent dialogue, believable characters and all too realistic situation.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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mmmarnie
Posted: September 24th, 2020, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent.


ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
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