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This was very well done. It's not my cup of tea, but it's a solid drama piece about people who stick out a broken marriage and the reasons they can't leave. The dialogue felt real - full of emotion. The pacing was very tight and kept the argument focused. A very fast read indeed.
Parameter-wise I'm not sure if the narrator counts as a fourth character or not, but regardless of that, this was an engaging short. Good job.
It was to the point and hard-hitting. It would have been better if, in Jennifer's thoughts, we had seen something worse, something that is more heartbreaking. But that's just my opinion.
The writing was excellent here and the dialogue felt very real. A great capture of a wife going through a breakdown. I loved how you added the 2nd part brought the logline into place nicely.
Fits the challenge perfectly. Nailed it. Very real dialogue.
If anything seemed out of place was the narrator defining unsaid. Totally unnecessary, in my opinion. I don't need any clues and it actually made me pause when it went to black screen later on.
Straight off, I'm not fond of the Narrator. It's too formal, more like a dictionary definition. An artistic choice, but... Perhaps this would be effective as a Super after the FADE, but I'm not sure... . Better if there's an actual 'voice' behind it?
This below, is the only dialogue that sounded unnatural to me, and only cause the contraction would sound better imho:
I am sorry. A real nitpick considering the rest of it is so easy on the ear.
DEREK DEREK Okay...okay. Look, I haven’t exactly been an angel myself. If you’ve made a mistake, it’s not the end of the world. We can --
JENNIFER I don’t have a lover. I’m seeing a therapist.
Funny, gotcha moment. Perhaps a missed opportunity for her to give him a knowing glance regarding the fact he has in fact been no angel? Then she could counter with the fact she doesn't care.
JENNIFER You’re confusing depression with clarity. Love this line.
No! No! You don’t get to leave! I'd personally delete the : No! No! Made it slightly melodramatic for me and his demand sounds better to my ear, but hey, nit-picking again probably.
Derek, gets off the couch Typo with that comma? There's another with: Jennifer lips quiver. Big deal, eh?
Ah, poor Jennifer. Now she's going stay in the marriage for another twelve years. Great use of the third variable.
Loved him throwing the beer bottle. Often typical physical demonstration of displeasure from a guy.
Very nicely done all round. No big long monologues to get the point across, just great easy on the ear dialogue. And, this is how it's done... imho. Great job.
P.S. Liquid patience. Nice variation on liquid courage.
Great work here! This really had an excellent setup, conflict, and resolution. Not because anything was actually "resolved" but because, as the reader, I was able to feel the sense of dread coming from Jennifer of being trapped in this marriage and I understood her decision not to say anything. IMO there was no right or wrong answer there but it was well played out.
I like that you made them normal people, too. Jennifer is "seeing" someone, a therapist, rather than cheating. Derek is a good father rather than a deadbeat. I like that. These are normal people stuck in a crappy situation, and you really told a complete tale in such a short amount of time.
The beginning sounded like the opening to the Twilight Zone which went off tone for me.
That being said, would it be obvious most of the script was Jennifer's unsaid thoughts? I did a bit of a double-take when they went back in time and revised the scene but this time Jennifer kept quiet. It took me a bit to figure out the first run-through was partially in her mind and without the narrator, would I have figured that out? I dunno!
It was easy to read, the dialogue simple and effective. Technically they did go to different locations in the house but I don't think anyone is fussed about that.
The only thing for me is originality. It's a typical scene about a married couple and one partner is unhappy. The way they talk is the same way such couples have talked in a thousand TV shows and movies. They don't talk in any spectacular way and it doesn't resolve in any way we haven't seen such stories play out before.
That's just a minor niggle though and a personal one as these types of scenes are not my cup of tea. This was very well written.
-Mark
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SPOILERS I was expecting one more "rewind" with Derek just repeating: "Something bothering you?" However, it probably works better without that.
He seems to take the news well, makes me think that she shouldn't be as hesitant? He really only begs and throws a beer bottle into the night, I would expect something more vindictive/manipulative? Maybe she has no safety net?
At first glance, I don't like the Narrator stuff, but let's see if it makes sense and is something to keep or throw out.
The end. OK, so as I figured, the Narrator stuff is completely useless and actually takes away from the script, right from the get go.
Writing is OK. There are some mistakes, but nothing too bad.
Dialogue is OK - not great, definitely not terrible. It doesn't always come off as natural, as you seem to omit contractions, which is how most of us speak.
Story is OK, but something we've all seen and maybe even experienced over and over.
There's just nothing new here. Nothing that stands out. It's not a bad effort, though.
It's fairly obvious you write well. I never stumbled, or had to re-read anything for clarification, it was all pretty smooth. The problem I saw, is we've seen this scene a gazillion times before. Maybe this was your intention. If so, fair enough. And yours as well, I liked it, so good job... I just didn't luv it.-A
Well done David. Great short! Loved the opening with the wine glass that filled up more in the shadow than the glass.
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