Accidents Happen by Martin Lancaster - Short, Black Comedy, Drama - An egocentric computer salesman discovers a new sense of worth when he embarks on a one-man crusade to save victims of domestic abuse. - pdf, format 8)


Script removed by request

Okay, first off let me correct something.  This is not a Black comedy.  The main character is not black(he has blonde hair for crying out loud).  You have not even labeled anybody in this black or produced comedy that made it seem that they were black.  In fact, this isn't even a comedy.  Be sure to just label this as a short drama, because I was very confused at first.

Now that I've got that all out of the way.  I really enjoyed this story.  It had me intrigued from start to finish, which is something that doesn't happen to me too often.  

Now, do I buy the whole hitman business?  That he feels his true calling is to kill those who have abused their spouse?  It seems a little extreme to me but I can live with it for the sake of the story.

SPOILERS!!!

I really liked that his wife set out to kill him.  I actually had it in my mind that he was going to kill her but you switched it around on me.  The reason I thought this was because of the red lingerie, which you never explained what it was for in the first place.

I really liked the irony of the line when he says something to the effect of:  I'm doing this for humanity.

Also, I think it would be more bitter sweet if he killed himself at the end.  Now just hear me out.  He kills all these other people so their spouses can have a better life, right?  Well, after he gets caught he speaks of his wife having a better life.  Why not do to himself what he did to others?

What can I say?  Your writing inspires me, Martin.  I think this one beats out "Open Your Mind." I loved it!

SPOILERS

*Yeah, it's a dark comedy rather than a black comedy
*The opening scene with James and Timmy was very captivating and the story breezed right along after passing page 20.
*He left his catapult in the treehouse and tells Timmy to get it.  Why a catapult?  That was just kind of out there.
*The supporting characters of Mrs. Bell, Mrs. Hooper, and Kate are all very well crafted. It's not that Hooper and Bell play significant roles, but the way they're described which really opens the reader's eyes, especially Hooper being "the different retard that God sends to test James' patience every day."
*The online forum for James' services, this is the kind of thing you see on America's Most Wanted.  The forum, along with the way the murders were carried out, worked very effectively.  I've read other scripts where people post fliers and then the murders are carried out in extreme fashion in public areas and it's just so poorly executed, but this story showed intelligence.
*"Package for a Mr. James Dean" "Yeah, my parents had a sense of humor." I died!
*Kate going onto the forum to get James killed, kinda saw it coming, but I felt that the very ending where James caused her mental abuse was well played out.
*I couldn't really accept Kate involving her brother in the murder plot.  I think that part could have used more development.
*Page 33, Kate's "take a look at yourself" dialogue. Missed a big T in her last line.
*One major possible flaw that this story has is the VO.  For a script, yeah, it's very well written and at times very funny, but I'm thinking what if this was produced one day, I think the VO might take away from the story.  But that's just me.

Overall, this was just a dazzling piece of work.  Intelligent, suspenseful, and at times very funny.  Excellent job!

ImagiNation,

I believe he means black comedy as in dark humor which is what it usually means in regards to films.

The word “black” has many other meanings besides black people, or even a color. It can mean - without light; dirty; sad, dismal; evil, wicked; sullen; to lose consciousness.

Soldiers may go on  black-operations. A person may black out. A business may operate in the black. A person may be the black sheep of the family. A sorcerer may practice a black art.

There are lots of black comedies that have nothing to do with black people. I don’t remember any black people in “Heathers.”

In fact, now that I think about it, as funny as this sounds, I can’t think of a lot of black comedies that do have black people in them. Somebody should write one.

Martin,

I’m going to read this when I get done with about four others in front of it. :)

Sorry if I misread that.  I'm from the south and I've heard of films such as "Friday" and "Barbershop" as Black comedy, meaning that they involve situations and jokes partaining to the black race.  But, you learn something new everyday.  Hope someone got a good chuckle out of my post cause I sure did.  ;)

Thanks fellas.

I didn't think calling it a black comedy would cause confusion but I can see how it might be misleading. This aint the Cosby Show. Just to clear that up, here's the definition on wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy

As for whether it's even comedy, I dunno, it was never meant to be 'laugh a minute' funny, but it's not exactly serious either. Fargo is a black comedy and there aren't too many laughs in that.

Imagination, I originally had James die at the end but it wasn't suicide (I think he loves himself too much for that). I changed the ending because I wasnt sure about killing the narrator.

Greg, I did wonder about the VO but I couldnt see another way of telling the story I wanted to tell.

Anyways, I really appreciate your feedback and I'm glad you liked it. I had fun writing it.

I'm off to read Appalachia, expect a review shortly.

*SPOILERS*

I really liked it. This is a good Fight Club-esque short, and the good formating made it a fast read. I laughed at some of James witty remarks, and I never saw the big surprise coming (Kate wanting to have James killed). Good job.

“A hitman hired to kill himself” sounds really High Concept to me (IMO, your script would be much more marketable if you build your logline around this idea). However, I think you could have digged deeper into this idea. I mean, once James finds out about Kate´s intentions, he feels surprised, troubled, etc. That´s Ok. But this problem is very easy to avoid for him. He´s in control of the situation, fools Kate and even “plays” with her. But what if this happens to be a job he cannot quit? What if Kate presses on the contract killer to do his job or else she will go to the police? It would be a nice dilemma for James to have to choose between killing himself, or going to jail.

I liked that James ended up in jail, but I dind´t like the reason you came up for this (the wrong e-mail adress thingy). While accidents do happen, it didn´t seem right that it was an accident that decided James fate.

About the infamous use of voice over: It´s a neccesary tool in this story you´re telling, but I think it´s a little bit overused. I warn you, you´re gonna hate my comments about this matter; I wrote a length feature sometime ago with lots of V.O., payed for some coverage, and got a lot of notes which I initially hated but learned to apreciate after some time.

Now, allow me to nitpick a bit:

P.1:
JAMES (V.O.)
“Now, Timmy doesn´t know it yet, but he´s about to learn an important lesson”.

Good line. I started feeling sorry for Timmy in advance. It´s good to have a hook in page 1 instead of waiting till page 10/15 for something interesting to happen.

P.2:
JAMES (V.O.)
My brother is about to be punished.

IMO, you´re repeating information here (since James already referred to his brother as a “happy little fucker” and  stated he was about to learn a lesson) thus the line is not needed. Maybe you can take both V.O. and combine them into one?

P.4
“She´s very frail and it takes her an eternity to make her way across the shop floor.”

This looks OK on the page (it´s just two lines of the script which can be read quickly), but I think it would be quite boring to watch it on screen.

P.6 and 7
There´s repeated information in James V.O. about Mrs.Bell interest in games (“She likes role playing games”, “She´d come in at least once a week to buy a new game”, “This girl was hard core into her games”) IMO, the V.O. would flow better if you condense all those into one sentence.


P.10
“Through the window, we see Mr Bell…”

I know you know “we see, we hear” is a no-no. There must be a way of reprhasing that.


P.13
JAMES
“… I don´t want to poison him”

Funny line. I wonder if James wicked smile could have worked better just *before* delivering this line, instead of after.


P.14
JAMES (V.O.)
“Now, obviously I didn´t want Mrs. Bell to eat my delicious cake. That would be disastrous. Luckily, she told me she was on a strict diet”

Maybe it´s just me, but when I read this, Mrs.Bell´s diet sounded too convenient for James plans.

P.17
JAMES (V.O.)
“Uh… oh…”

Lol!


P.25
JAMES (V.O.)
“I decided to play along, just to see what happened. My services didn´t come cheap and I knew she couldn´t afford to pay what I was asking.”

I suggest removing this V.O. for two reasons. First, it´s redundant, since the following scene shows by itself that James decided to play along, and that Kate needed money to pay him. And second, it takes out the surprise of the following scene; you anticipate what´s coming. I think it is more interesting for the audience to see James and Kate face to face, without having a clue of what is going to happen between them.


P.25 and 26

JAMES (V.O.)
He´s not the only one.

JAMES
Is he?

You have a thinking James inmediatly followed by a speaking James. If you imagine his conversation with Kate on screen, he would have to make an unnatural pause to “think” before he talks. I think this will disrupt the natural flow of the conversation.


P.32
JAMES (V.O.)
“So that was it… she wanted me dead. My own wife.”

That´s information we already know. IMO, the V.O. is redundant here.


Well, that´s all, I hope I helped. And once more, good job.

Mr Z, thanks so much for the detailed review. The nitpicking is exactly what I need for the rewrite and I agree with basically everything you've said. Thanks a lot.

Yeah, he's pretty good isn't he?  He "ghosts" around here and jumps out with a good one every once in a while.

I'll be getting around to this one soon.  I hope Mr. Z hasn't already taken all the good comments...

Martin: I´m glad I could help. Good luck with the rewrite.

Bert: I hardly post reviews because english isn´t my first language, and it takes me a lot of time to find the right words to express what I think. But I love this site nontheless. I can see your new script is up, congratulations for finishing it. If I find something useful to critique about it, I will surely post it.

Hey Martin:  I like this one alot, and I think your "accidental death" thread helped me enjoy this even more (even though I seem to recall that thread got a little out of hand after a while...).

Forty pages went by like 20.  The dialogue really flowed, but as previous readers have said, a little too much V.O. in some spots.  Plenty of these blanks fill themselves in without verbal cues.  I would go through and evaluate each and every V.O. sequence individually, asking "Is this absolutely essential, or do things still make sense without it?"  Then, lose the ones you can.

And a couple more things (with SPOILERS):

*  Greg is right.  A catapult?  Just about anything would make more sense than that.  Did you mean a slingshot?  Is that another Brit thing?
*  Do these "seeds" really exist?  If they do, name them.  Give us a little authenticity here.  Or, at the very least, pretend to -- make up a plant.  Otherwise, these "nameless seeds" seem too artificial.
*  Why does Kate need to leave, then return, with the lingerie?  Why can't she just be holding the box in the first place?  But then this lingerie becomes a "lost" detail anyway.  Lose it or pay it off -- one way or the other, you know?

I was really getting into this story, especially while waiting for the "big reveal" -- why does Kate really want him dead?  And then I was shocked -- that it was so mundane....

"You don't care about me!" she cries, "Your ego is so big!"  Oh, boo-hoo.  :'(  Cry me a river, Kate.

For me, Kate's motivation is what would strengthen this story the most.  There is plenty of potential for a twist there, Martin.  A good reason that drives her to murder.  I like this story alot, but I think Kate needs a motive worthy of the story that surrounds her.

Bert,

Thanks for the comments. You have a habit of picking up on things I had doubts about myself but never bothered to address.

SPOILERS



I didn't 'get' Greg's comment about the catapult but now I do. We're talking about a slingshot here, not a giant medieval rock-throwing device. I guess that's a Briticism.

The seeds do exist.. kinda. I did some research and I could probably make it sound more authentic:

"Carolina or yellow jessamine, for instance, is in the same plant family that
produces strychnine and curare. All parts are toxic. Aside from a variety of
side effects, death is brought about due to stoppage of breathing.
The flowering oleander is another good one. All parts are very poisonous. Final
effect is unconsciousness, respiratory paralysis and death."

Apparently certain varieties of these seeds are almost impossible to trace.

As for Kate's motives, I did wonder about that too. I had an outline written but then I rushed through writing and ignored a lot of it. In the outline, Kate discovers the details of James' off-shore accounts with tens of thousands stashed away. I guess that is a motive for murder, especially as she stands to inherit. Thinking about it now, it was stupid to drop that part. Would that motive be enough?

Again, with the lingerie, I had a pay-off of sorts in the outline but when I wrote the scene it became totally convoluted so I cut it. Back to the drawing board on that one.

Anyway, thanks to those who read this. I want to expand this to a feature spending more time on the relationship between James and his wife. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them.

Oh, and I can't believe no-one called me on the bear trap thing. I thought the plausibility police would have a field day with that one :)

Hey Martin,

This was pretty wild. It kind of reminded me of “The Young Poisoner’s Handbook” with the voice overs.

Of course, as usual, it was very well written. Grammar and diction superb. You sort of get an automatic pass on that at this point unless you do something crazy.

James’ motivation eluded me somewhat at times. In the opening scene with his little brother, he was extremely narcissistic and emotionless. It was kind of at odds with the later James who cared for abused women. And the root of that care was never explored. I wondered why he was fixated on them in particular and not people he perceived to have personally wronged him as in his childhood. I believe finding out the source of his preoccupation with abused women is crucial to the story.

The voice overs were good, sometimes even reaching “American Beauty” proportions and the character’s life/story progressed well. Manipulators, I think, have a bit of an advantage as far as moving a story along unless they’re just poorly written and you do an exceptional job with yours.

If you wanted James to be able to know that Mrs. Bell wouldn’t eat the cake, you could have made it a cake with nuts in it (pecans, macadamias, etc., tree nuts) and had him mention that she had told him she was allergic to them. Or she could have even told him she was allergic to eggs or something. A lot of people are. But on the other hand, the fact that he risked killing her is kind of consistent with the opening scene James so maybe it’s better as is.

I agree with an earlier poster that James killing himself is a definite option. Of course, that’s coming from a writer who absolutely loves knocking off main characters. But the ending you have is very ironic and I also love irony so I think it’s a winner either way.

I also think that if Kate is so crucial later that she should be more developed earlier. We really don’t learn much about her. Then she becomes a key character.

Overall, good stuff. I’m a Martin Lancaster fan.

P.S. The bear trap thing was just ridiculous -- hahaha.

I read this while going down the Interstate (no, I wasn't the one driving). Took me about twenty miles. I'm a slow reader.

I liked this. I liked the V.O especially. In the beginning I thought perhaps he was supposed to be the devil or something, but soon I realized James was just devilish. I think your idea of Kate discovering that James had money would be a stronger motive for wanting him dead than just being ignored. (although it made Glenn Close want to kill once, if I remember correctly)

A couple of things I thought were at odds though.

1, He enjoys the thrill of snuffing people, but later mentions his "love for humanity".

2, "MR. BELL, a chubby, red-faced man in his fifties. He sits on the sofa, drinks beer, eats snacks and watches TV." and he's lazy too. That sounds to me like an Onslow type, not someone that was successful enough to make the kind of money that lets you retire in Monte Carlo.

3, Mr. Bell eats the cake. He must have been pretty drunk and Mrs. Bell must really have been absentminded. Who eats something left anonomously on your door step?

I really liked this and I can see it being made into feature length. Could be a good thriller I think.

:-)

Just a shameless 'bump' to say thanks to breanne and tomson for reading this. I've been toying with the rewrite and the cake thing has been replaced by something more plausible and more clever (I hope).

I didn't know Onslow had made it across the pond but you're right, Mr. Bell's character will be changed somewhat too.

I have a bunch of ideas for this now so thanks again to everyone who's commented.

martin,
im reading this now, having read the beginning though i remember that i read this before one time but i guess i never got around to commenting, ill post back with more detailed feedback once ive finished this read through but i think my opinion of your script is mainly positive. Of course I'll try and come up with some constructive comments to help with your re-write but yeah, i like the beginning and the voice over. more to follow
-Matt

Hey

I took a look at Accidents Happen.  Here is a disclaimer I’ve only reviewed a couple of scripts so formatting and what not I don’t know how to do.  Now, I feel I’m pretty honest, I don’t purposely try to tear down or insult but if I think you can do better that’s what I’m going to say.  With that said I wanted to say I like this story, and the concept.  However it seemed familiar, kinda like Unbreakable for some reason (I don’t know why).  That’s not an insult I liked the movie.

Before I get going some general comments.  I’m wondering what is James’ real motivation, is this for excitement or does he think he is some kind of hero?  To me I came away saying he justifies his actions because he thinks he is helping but in reality he is looking for excitement.  My two sense on the depth of your character.  Also when I read the beginning I thought “this is f**ked.”  It kept me interested I think it’s good.  Last general thought you depend on the VO to tell the story, I like the idea and I like how you used it, however at times  I feel you could’ve shown it instead.  

Now what I normally do is review in general tell you what I thought then I get specific.  If I liked the line I give  *, if I think it needs to change I normally write something along those lines, if I had a suggestion I put a coma after your line and then my idea.  Don’t take it the wrong way, normally I say hmmm, that could be better and an idea pops in my head, I write the idea down…take it or leave for what it’s worth.  

In the beginning you start with the boys playing with a football…
     -had an idea, instead of showing the wood step cut later in the story, foreshadow the cut step before the football begins, show a hand sawing away at it with a swiss army knife.  If the football bit follows the wood cutting the audience may think it fits, building something out of wood then football, you know guy stuff.  Then the audience puts the pieces together as it’s happening.  

2-defining moment of childhood*

-happy fucker*

I like how you show that the little brother doesn’t respect the chain of command, but I don’t know if the little brother is really “disrespecting his elders” with what he says.  Asking to play seems acceptable, where if the little brother was annoying James or making fun of him it may fit the scenario better.  

5- I’m wondering to myself what is this guys deal? (my thought at the time)

5-minor point do you saw with a pocket knife, I dunno??

6-It's like every
day God sends a different retard
to test my patience.-Retard didn’t seem harsh enough, you could get creative with what he calls her.  

-bury fist*

-why does he pull over for a van ahead of him, did you mean from behind, or is it hogging the road…it’s unclear from description

7-Then I remembered that day when
Timmy broke his leg. I remembered
the satisfaction I felt at what
I'd achieved. I'd never felt like
that before, or since... what had
I done with my life? Where did it
all go wrong?- Here he is basking in the glory of his moment, and satisfaction is how he describes it??  Let the audience savor the moment with him…

-girl, =hardcore gamer

8-If James knows this woman is beaten he wouldn’t ask (unless they are good friends, and even then prob not), but she would make an excuse of for it at the slightest glance or look of concern.  
     

10-She
probably thought her marriage was
a comfort zone too. She probably
thought things would get better,
maybe she even thought she
deserved a beating every now and
Then.-Ok on this issue, you compare her position to James I get why but it‘s not necessary.  In reality abused women go through this thing called the cycle of abuse you can look it up but basically they get beat they say they’ll leave, the dude says he’ll get better, he does for a certain amount of time but then, a trigger pops and he beats again.  With your writing style and this character you created you could do something great with it.  -as to the line about deserving a beating you may upset a female audience with this line (so tread lightly I guess, depending on whose reading/watching), I thought it added to how f**ked this character was but what do I know…

10-It shouldn't have
been like that.  That’s from James VO down the page this line seemed awkward to me, I tried it out loud it works but I stumbled on it for some reason.  

11- I noticed this a couple time, you use words that seem funny to me but I’m guessing this is a culture thing…I’m from Northeast US so I call the chemist a pharmacist.

12- James refers to her as Mrs. Bell you could say she seems more personal

To Be continued

12-That night I made a conscious
decision to help Mrs. Bell. I
knew she'd never ask for help
herself so I decided to take
matters into my own hands. I
decided to kill that worthless
piece of shit husband of hers.-Ok this guy calls it killing?  Would he?? He’s helping her aren’t they helpful accidents, or something?  Killing seemed so blunt…too blunt.  

16-And that... was that., game set match.

-idea: clip obituaries of those deaths he “accidentally aided in.”  

17-So, I'd lost a customer. But I'd
gained something far more
valuable. Something I'd been
searching for all these years. A
sense of worth. That warm, fuzzy
feeling one gets from having
helped someone. From having done
something... naughty... and
gotten away with it. I felt
great.-Felt great: you can do better.  New word: fulfilled, whole…


18-Funnily??  , how bout “I swear”

19 “good old internet” , personally don’t like that line.

-online home, I get what your saying some ideas I had: assignment site, or Help wanted section….

21-I like your wording on the sales director *  and concept with parachute*

A sales director... He gets his
kicks from extreme sports. His wife
gets her kicks from him.**

I like how the lines flowed, I don’t know if you captured that as well with the stock broker.  Maybe start with the sales director??  

Some ideas of mine, stock broker beats and cheats the market, and beats and cheat on his wife.  It’s probably no better but it’s a start.  

He should really have checked his
chute before jumping out of the
plane.-This line doesn’t pop as much as the kicks bit.  , He packed his own chute by the book, too bad he never got to use it.  

You have this really dark sense of humor in the sales director part that I think you should try to maintain through this voice over scene.

22-I’m wondering what his wife is thinking…

-anonymity-overused try a new word=explanation great placement I was wondering how he doesn’t get caught.

23-Business was unpredictable.
Sometimes I'd get nothing for
months, then I'd get three
requests at once. I'd only accept
the ones that involved domestic
abuse. I needed to be sure my
targets were deserving of a
grisly death.-Don’t like the: “I’d only accept the ones…”, I only had one rule…  I had standards let’s be honest with each other I wasn’t a hit man and I’m certainly no serial killer.  

***note on voice over bits*** It seemed like you were talking to the audience with the voice over at first and this seems to change ever so slightly, I liked it when James talked to us.

23- This one brought my kill count to
nine, and not once did I rouse
the suspicions of the authorities.
I was a fucking natural.- going to the point of talking to us…That was #9 and not…

24-good timing on the lingerie wife conflict, I like how you let it fester just a little with the audience.

-But this was gonna take some
explaining, and despite what you
might think, I cared about my
wife. I decided to shelve my
plans for the time being.-  , I had some splaining to do (it’s cliché but it seems like something he may say to us as we listen to him narrate his life)

25-JAMES (V.O.)
It was no mistake. And there was
only one person it could have been.-seems like your missing James’ realization that for months he’d been talking to his own wife, gaining her trust, and then finally making the deal.  Possible room for a flashback etc.

25-I mean, here was a man who’d
spent two years of his life ridding
the world of bad husbands. What has
a guy gotta do to get some respect?-why does he flip to third person??


28-”scheming bitch” , seems like James might be turned on or in the least have more respect for her…

29 James VO is a little long you could shorten it.

31”tablets” - are they prescriptions? (this is probably a culture thing I’m guessing)

36-monster doesn’t seem to fit, using his money doesn’t make her a monster does it?


37-“frankly I only ever killed bad people” - you can do better

38-James VO I couldn’t forgive myself for
what I’d done. I’d become one of
the people I’d grown to despise.
I tried to tell myself she’d
driven me to it, but I couldn’t
bring myself to believe it, no
matter how hard I tried.-you can show him talking to himself in the car instead of having VO right next to each other

39- I wasn’t ashamed of what I’d
done. Not the killings anyway.
The only regret I felt was for
my wife. I’d become so caught
up in helping these women, that
I’d lost sight of what was
really important.,  helping these women I’d lost site of the most important woman of all

OK…SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTED HERE: Now I like the irony that he’s happy his wife is happy even though she turned him in, but you didn’t make me think she did.  I think you need to lean on that more before you punch the audience in the gut with the it wasn’t her.  

Some ideas show her in court while he is on the witness stand.  Something!!! That makes audience think she turns him in…

OK REALLY DISAPPOINTED!  Why when you have these awesome ideas do you end with she “clicked the wrong name
in her address book and sent it
to her late husband’s lawyer.”  UGH! I like the ironic thing do it, but the way that the cops find out isn’t up to par with the rest of you short.  

Other then that I like the concept, I like your use of voice over (for the most part) I like your character depth.  I’m wondering if James’ wife is hot or not (random I know)??  It’s a real quick read, best of luck, I’d like to know what you plan to do with it is once you have the final draft…will you submit it and if so to who and what for?

Jaykur

Thanks, Jaykur.

Excellent, detailed review. You've given me loads of stuff to work with. This story will change a hell of a lot, the ending especially.

In the rewrite, little Timmy returns all grown up and adds some more conflict to the story. Kate has a far stronger motivation and James' demise is a lot more fitting. I've got it plotted out and the story basically follows James' rise and fall with most of the voiceover confined to the beginning and the end.

I'll definitely be referring to this thread as I'm writing. Thanks for the help.

I'll get to Forefathers ASAP

okay, I am extremely sorry I didn't get around to this sonner, I have just been so busy with school and I only just remembered I didn't finish up your review. It looks like someone beat me to one so I hope I don't repeat too much. Like I said this is my second read through and generally I like it but I'm going to type up everything I feel about the story as I go along. Some good, some bad but hopefully it'll all be helpfull.

The beginning
I like the voice over. Generally they tend to tell you to not use it or use it sparingly but I think it works in this beginning and fits quite well. It sets the tone nicely and it seems unique. I agree though that maybe you could show James cutting the wood at the start or something. Maybe not use quite as much of the voiceover even though I really don't see it as a problem but others might. Secondly, I don't really see Timmy disrespecting his elders as James saying. Maybe there should be a scene where that happens. Maybe there is later on? I don't know, like I said I'm typing as I read but those are all my initial impressions.

Again, I'm liking the voice over. I don't know why people advice against it as if used right it can be very good. I'm getting a kind of fight club vibe witht the cynical narrater chiming in now and again. It's a good way to show Jame's true personality at the moment.

---A note actually on the voiceovers, maybe shorten them but keep them in? for example when Mrs. Bell explains her face the voiceover makes it seem like a long awkward pause would occur when the conversation should continue. If you stop for a voiceover the flow of the conversation would seem unnatural.

---it seems to be random when he says he will kill the husband. Maybe add in a line in the video store when he says something like
"this is the second 'acciden't you've had recently"
i think it would make it better if the beatings had been doing on for a while instead of just this one off occasion that makes james mad enough to do something

--i like the i dont want to poison him line, nothing like a good bit of irony :)

--add in a better reason than a diet for Mrs. Bell not eating the cake. Maybe he puts nuts in it and she is allergic to those. If the cake is really that good someone on a diet may still try it. I think an allergy would make it seem smarter on james part.

--show him making his webiste untracable rather than the voice over saying it. As I said I enjoy the voice over and it works well in scripts like these but you are tending to say a little too much at points and this is an example that I felt was worth pointing out.

--again, show his wife not talking to him before saying it on the voice over. I read your last comment about keeping the voice over mainly to the beginning and end and I personally don't think you have to cut out that much. Just work on the little things like I'm mentioning. However, if you have a way that you think works without it all together then go for it. I am just offering up what I think would fix it.

--pg 25. Wow, for some reason I did not see this one coming. What a twist. Very impressive. It seems so obvious now but I didn't even think of the story going in that direction. If you expand this out make sure this element still comes a surprise as it works very well this way. (I guess I didn't read this script before haha, I definetly remembered the beginng though and I thought it was good so I don't know why I didn't finish it the first time)

--scheming bitch... i agree with the previous reviewer on that line. You should make it so he's impressed that she went to such lengths to get the money to off him. For some reason it seems like it'd fit his personallity more than being straight out angry.

--also show Kate talking to her brother. She needs to tell him something other than she wants her husband dead. I can't think of an example right now but you need one.

--I used to live in england so i enjoyed the reference to spaghetti bolognese. Americans don't seem to know what that is though? have you had any problems with that... just a random thing I noticed and thought I'd point out.

closing comments
Okay, overal I really, really, really liked this script. I think it was a dark story about a very disturbed person but in the end he learned a lesson. He was no better than the people he'd been killing and I think the script works that well. However, you do need to flesh some things out and it definetly can be made into a full length. I disagree with alot of things that you said you are changed but I guess that just means I should finish my reviews faster :( Anyway, the ending to me works as the accidents line is mentioned throughout and I think that ending fits and I personally wouldn't change it. I also wanted change too much of the voice over. I'd just show a few more things instead of having him tell us the story off screen. That will easily add some length into your story. Flesh out the beginning with his brother and give James more of a reason to hurt Timmy. He says later on that the people he killed deserved it so make Timmy deserve it too and don't contradict yourself so early on. Secondly, give the wife a little bit more of a reason. Make him ignoring her more obvious but make sure the fact that he's hired to kill himself come off as a twist.

So, you have a very original story  on your ahnds (well I see elements of other scripts in it but it's as original as you can get these days) so I wish you good luck with your re-write. When it's up let me know. I'll get to it faster and I'll let you know what I think worked in the re-write and what didn't. You got a great start though so I hope this one turns out good

sorry it took me so long, I hope the comments help
-Matt