Accidents Happen by Martin Lancaster - Short, Black Comedy, Drama - An egocentric computer salesman discovers a new sense of worth when he embarks on a one-man crusade to save victims of domestic abuse. - pdf, format


Script removed by request

Okay, first off let me correct something.  This is not a Black comedy.  The main character is not black(he has blonde hair for crying out loud).  You have not even labeled anybody in this black or produced comedy that made it seem that they were black.  In fact, this isn't even a comedy.  Be sure to just label this as a short drama, because I was very confused at first.

Now that I've got that all out of the way.  I really enjoyed this story.  It had me intrigued from start to finish, which is something that doesn't happen to me too often.  

Now, do I buy the whole hitman business?  That he feels his true calling is to kill those who have abused their spouse?  It seems a little extreme to me but I can live with it for the sake of the story.

SPOILERS!!!

I really liked that his wife set out to kill him.  I actually had it in my mind that he was going to kill her but you switched it around on me.  The reason I thought this was because of the red lingerie, which you never explained what it was for in the first place.

I really liked the irony of the line when he says something to the effect of:  I'm doing this for humanity.

Also, I think it would be more bitter sweet if he killed himself at the end.  Now just hear me out.  He kills all these other people so their spouses can have a better life, right?  Well, after he gets caught he speaks of his wife having a better life.  Why not do to himself what he did to others?

What can I say?  Your writing inspires me, Martin.  I think this one beats out "Open Your Mind." I loved it!

SPOILERS

*Yeah, it's a dark comedy rather than a black comedy
*The opening scene with James and Timmy was very captivating and the story breezed right along after passing page 20.
*He left his catapult in the treehouse and tells Timmy to get it.  Why a catapult?  That was just kind of out there.
*The supporting characters of Mrs. Bell, Mrs. Hooper, and Kate are all very well crafted. It's not that Hooper and Bell play significant roles, but the way they're described which really opens the reader's eyes, especially Hooper being "the different retard that God sends to test James' patience every day."
*The online forum for James' services, this is the kind of thing you see on America's Most Wanted.  The forum, along with the way the murders were carried out, worked very effectively.  I've read other scripts where people post fliers and then the murders are carried out in extreme fashion in public areas and it's just so poorly executed, but this story showed intelligence.
*"Package for a Mr. James Dean" "Yeah, my parents had a sense of humor." I died!
*Kate going onto the forum to get James killed, kinda saw it coming, but I felt that the very ending where James caused her mental abuse was well played out.
*I couldn't really accept Kate involving her brother in the murder plot.  I think that part could have used more development.
*Page 33, Kate's "take a look at yourself" dialogue. Missed a big T in her last line.
*One major possible flaw that this story has is the VO.  For a script, yeah, it's very well written and at times very funny, but I'm thinking what if this was produced one day, I think the VO might take away from the story.  But that's just me.

Overall, this was just a dazzling piece of work.  Intelligent, suspenseful, and at times very funny.  Excellent job!

ImagiNation,

I believe he means black comedy as in dark humor which is what it usually means in regards to films.

The word “black” has many other meanings besides black people, or even a color. It can mean - without light; dirty; sad, dismal; evil, wicked; sullen; to lose consciousness.

Soldiers may go on  black-operations. A person may black out. A business may operate in the black. A person may be the black sheep of the family. A sorcerer may practice a black art.

There are lots of black comedies that have nothing to do with black people. I don’t remember any black people in “Heathers.”

In fact, now that I think about it, as funny as this sounds, I can’t think of a lot of black comedies that do have black people in them. Somebody should write one.

Martin,

I’m going to read this when I get done with about four others in front of it.

Sorry if I misread that.  I'm from the south and I've heard of films such as "Friday" and "Barbershop" as Black comedy, meaning that they involve situations and jokes partaining to the black race.  But, you learn something new everyday.  Hope someone got a good chuckle out of my post cause I sure did.  

Thanks fellas.

I didn't think calling it a black comedy would cause confusion but I can see how it might be misleading. This aint the Cosby Show. Just to clear that up, here's the definition on wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy

As for whether it's even comedy, I dunno, it was never meant to be 'laugh a minute' funny, but it's not exactly serious either. Fargo is a black comedy and there aren't too many laughs in that.

Imagination, I originally had James die at the end but it wasn't suicide (I think he loves himself too much for that). I changed the ending because I wasnt sure about killing the narrator.

Greg, I did wonder about the VO but I couldnt see another way of telling the story I wanted to tell.

Anyways, I really appreciate your feedback and I'm glad you liked it. I had fun writing it.

I'm off to read Appalachia, expect a review shortly.

*SPOILERS*

I really liked it. This is a good Fight Club-esque short, and the good formating made it a fast read. I laughed at some of James witty remarks, and I never saw the big surprise coming (Kate wanting to have James killed). Good job.

“A hitman hired to kill himself” sounds really High Concept to me (IMO, your script would be much more marketable if you build your logline around this idea). However, I think you could have digged deeper into this idea. I mean, once James finds out about Kate´s intentions, he feels surprised, troubled, etc. That´s Ok. But this problem is very easy to avoid for him. He´s in control of the situation, fools Kate and even “plays” with her. But what if this happens to be a job he cannot quit? What if Kate presses on the contract killer to do his job or else she will go to the police? It would be a nice dilemma for James to have to choose between killing himself, or going to jail.

I liked that James ended up in jail, but I dind´t like the reason you came up for this (the wrong e-mail adress thingy). While accidents do happen, it didn´t seem right that it was an accident that decided James fate.

About the infamous use of voice over: It´s a neccesary tool in this story you´re telling, but I think it´s a little bit overused. I warn you, you´re gonna hate my comments about this matter; I wrote a length feature sometime ago with lots of V.O., payed for some coverage, and got a lot of notes which I initially hated but learned to apreciate after some time.

Now, allow me to nitpick a bit:

P.1:
JAMES (V.O.)
“Now, Timmy doesn´t know it yet, but he´s about to learn an important lesson”.

Good line. I started feeling sorry for Timmy in advance. It´s good to have a hook in page 1 instead of waiting till page 10/15 for something interesting to happen.

P.2:
JAMES (V.O.)
My brother is about to be punished.

IMO, you´re repeating information here (since James already referred to his brother as a “happy little fucker” and  stated he was about to learn a lesson) thus the line is not needed. Maybe you can take both V.O. and combine them into one?

P.4
“She´s very frail and it takes her an eternity to make her way across the shop floor.”

This looks OK on the page (it´s just two lines of the script which can be read quickly), but I think it would be quite boring to watch it on screen.

P.6 and 7
There´s repeated information in James V.O. about Mrs.Bell interest in games (“She likes role playing games”, “She´d come in at least once a week to buy a new game”, “This girl was hard core into her games”) IMO, the V.O. would flow better if you condense all those into one sentence.


P.10
“Through the window, we see Mr Bell…”

I know you know “we see, we hear” is a no-no. There must be a way of reprhasing that.


P.13
JAMES
“… I don´t want to poison him”

Funny line. I wonder if James wicked smile could have worked better just *before* delivering this line, instead of after.


P.14
JAMES (V.O.)
“Now, obviously I didn´t want Mrs. Bell to eat my delicious cake. That would be disastrous. Luckily, she told me she was on a strict diet”

Maybe it´s just me, but when I read this, Mrs.Bell´s diet sounded too convenient for James plans.

P.17
JAMES (V.O.)
“Uh… oh…”

Lol!


P.25
JAMES (V.O.)
“I decided to play along, just to see what happened. My services didn´t come cheap and I knew she couldn´t afford to pay what I was asking.”

I suggest removing this V.O. for two reasons. First, it´s redundant, since the following scene shows by itself that James decided to play along, and that Kate needed money to pay him. And second, it takes out the surprise of the following scene; you anticipate what´s coming. I think it is more interesting for the audience to see James and Kate face to face, without having a clue of what is going to happen between them.


P.25 and 26

JAMES (V.O.)
He´s not the only one.

JAMES
Is he?

You have a thinking James inmediatly followed by a speaking James. If you imagine his conversation with Kate on screen, he would have to make an unnatural pause to “think” before he talks. I think this will disrupt the natural flow of the conversation.


P.32
JAMES (V.O.)
“So that was it… she wanted me dead. My own wife.”

That´s information we already know. IMO, the V.O. is redundant here.


Well, that´s all, I hope I helped. And once more, good job.

Mr Z, thanks so much for the detailed review. The nitpicking is exactly what I need for the rewrite and I agree with basically everything you've said. Thanks a lot.

Yeah, he's pretty good isn't he?  He "ghosts" around here and jumps out with a good one every once in a while.

I'll be getting around to this one soon.  I hope Mr. Z hasn't already taken all the good comments...

Martin: I´m glad I could help. Good luck with the rewrite.

Bert: I hardly post reviews because english isn´t my first language, and it takes me a lot of time to find the right words to express what I think. But I love this site nontheless. I can see your new script is up, congratulations for finishing it. If I find something useful to critique about it, I will surely post it.

Hey Martin:  I like this one alot, and I think your "accidental death" thread helped me enjoy this even more (even though I seem to recall that thread got a little out of hand after a while...).

Forty pages went by like 20.  The dialogue really flowed, but as previous readers have said, a little too much V.O. in some spots.  Plenty of these blanks fill themselves in without verbal cues.  I would go through and evaluate each and every V.O. sequence individually, asking "Is this absolutely essential, or do things still make sense without it?"  Then, lose the ones you can.

And a couple more things (with SPOILERS):

*  Greg is right.  A catapult?  Just about anything would make more sense than that.  Did you mean a slingshot?  Is that another Brit thing?
*  Do these "seeds" really exist?  If they do, name them.  Give us a little authenticity here.  Or, at the very least, pretend to -- make up a plant.  Otherwise, these "nameless seeds" seem too artificial.
*  Why does Kate need to leave, then return, with the lingerie?  Why can't she just be holding the box in the first place?  But then this lingerie becomes a "lost" detail anyway.  Lose it or pay it off -- one way or the other, you know?

I was really getting into this story, especially while waiting for the "big reveal" -- why does Kate really want him dead?  And then I was shocked -- that it was so mundane....

"You don't care about me!" she cries, "Your ego is so big!"  Oh, boo-hoo.    Cry me a river, Kate.

For me, Kate's motivation is what would strengthen this story the most.  There is plenty of potential for a twist there, Martin.  A good reason that drives her to murder.  I like this story alot, but I think Kate needs a motive worthy of the story that surrounds her.

Bert,

Thanks for the comments. You have a habit of picking up on things I had doubts about myself but never bothered to address.

SPOILERS



I didn't 'get' Greg's comment about the catapult but now I do. We're talking about a slingshot here, not a giant medieval rock-throwing device. I guess that's a Briticism.

The seeds do exist.. kinda. I did some research and I could probably make it sound more authentic:

"Carolina or yellow jessamine, for instance, is in the same plant family that
produces strychnine and curare. All parts are toxic. Aside from a variety of
side effects, death is brought about due to stoppage of breathing.
The flowering oleander is another good one. All parts are very poisonous. Final
effect is unconsciousness, respiratory paralysis and death."

Apparently certain varieties of these seeds are almost impossible to trace.

As for Kate's motives, I did wonder about that too. I had an outline written but then I rushed through writing and ignored a lot of it. In the outline, Kate discovers the details of James' off-shore accounts with tens of thousands stashed away. I guess that is a motive for murder, especially as she stands to inherit. Thinking about it now, it was stupid to drop that part. Would that motive be enough?

Again, with the lingerie, I had a pay-off of sorts in the outline but when I wrote the scene it became totally convoluted so I cut it. Back to the drawing board on that one.

Anyway, thanks to those who read this. I want to expand this to a feature spending more time on the relationship between James and his wife. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them.

Oh, and I can't believe no-one called me on the bear trap thing. I thought the plausibility police would have a field day with that one

Hey Martin,

This was pretty wild. It kind of reminded me of “The Young Poisoner’s Handbook” with the voice overs.

Of course, as usual, it was very well written. Grammar and diction superb. You sort of get an automatic pass on that at this point unless you do something crazy.

James’ motivation eluded me somewhat at times. In the opening scene with his little brother, he was extremely narcissistic and emotionless. It was kind of at odds with the later James who cared for abused women. And the root of that care was never explored. I wondered why he was fixated on them in particular and not people he perceived to have personally wronged him as in his childhood. I believe finding out the source of his preoccupation with abused women is crucial to the story.

The voice overs were good, sometimes even reaching “American Beauty” proportions and the character’s life/story progressed well. Manipulators, I think, have a bit of an advantage as far as moving a story along unless they’re just poorly written and you do an exceptional job with yours.

If you wanted James to be able to know that Mrs. Bell wouldn’t eat the cake, you could have made it a cake with nuts in it (pecans, macadamias, etc., tree nuts) and had him mention that she had told him she was allergic to them. Or she could have even told him she was allergic to eggs or something. A lot of people are. But on the other hand, the fact that he risked killing her is kind of consistent with the opening scene James so maybe it’s better as is.

I agree with an earlier poster that James killing himself is a definite option. Of course, that’s coming from a writer who absolutely loves knocking off main characters. But the ending you have is very ironic and I also love irony so I think it’s a winner either way.

I also think that if Kate is so crucial later that she should be more developed earlier. We really don’t learn much about her. Then she becomes a key character.

Overall, good stuff. I’m a Martin Lancaster fan.

P.S. The bear trap thing was just ridiculous -- hahaha.

I read this while going down the Interstate (no, I wasn't the one driving). Took me about twenty miles. I'm a slow reader.

I liked this. I liked the V.O especially. In the beginning I thought perhaps he was supposed to be the devil or something, but soon I realized James was just devilish. I think your idea of Kate discovering that James had money would be a stronger motive for wanting him dead than just being ignored. (although it made Glenn Close want to kill once, if I remember correctly)

A couple of things I thought were at odds though.

1, He enjoys the thrill of snuffing people, but later mentions his "love for humanity".

2, "MR. BELL, a chubby, red-faced man in his fifties. He sits on the sofa, drinks beer, eats snacks and watches TV." and he's lazy too. That sounds to me like an Onslow type, not someone that was successful enough to make the kind of money that lets you retire in Monte Carlo.

3, Mr. Bell eats the cake. He must have been pretty drunk and Mrs. Bell must really have been absentminded. Who eats something left anonomously on your door step?

I really liked this and I can see it being made into feature length. Could be a good thriller I think.

Just a shameless 'bump' to say thanks to breanne and tomson for reading this. I've been toying with the rewrite and the cake thing has been replaced by something more plausible and more clever (I hope).

I didn't know Onslow had made it across the pond but you're right, Mr. Bell's character will be changed somewhat too.

I have a bunch of ideas for this now so thanks again to everyone who's commented.