Renegade by Kyle Pell - Action - John is on the run from the government. He cant trust anybody and they're always watching him. But the government has sent someone after him. He has something that even he doesent know. Now he has a highly trained bounty hunter after him. he needs to finde out what it is hw has and how to get away alive... - doc, format 8)

I'm new to this site and this is the script that drew me here,I lIked it, I can visualise it almost like a manga Movie but gripping. just wanna know what happens next?   oooppps i forgot i ain't payin so you aint sayin. good movie script.

"The masked man pulls some crazy matrix like move on John and knocks him out."

The above quote is a key action sequence from this nine-page epic.

Are you around, Kyle, for a little feedback?

Methinks Bert had his tongue planted firmly in cheek with his last post ;)

My thoughts - blunt criticism? Not good at all. Format is poor, structure is poor, and I've heard better dialogue in porno movies. Where is the plot? What is the plot?

Characters? We have the "Masked Man", and then simply "Man" at the end who turns out to be the masked man, really. Or did I miss something?

?

Typos are ok, since we all have them now and then. Shooting descriptors are everywhere, down to which song is playing in the background when the "action" takes place.

From reading your script, Kyle, I would assume one of two things. Either you're in high school or this is your very first script attempt. Either way, it's cool. This site seems to appear to me to be pretty friendly and a place to glean from others. Do that. Don't take anything personally.

1. Read THIS - http://www.geocities.com/fabdaeclectic/ProperScriptFormat.pdf

It will help you structure your script. Start from the beginning and re-do it.

2. Dialogue - What would YOU say if you were in John's shoes? This will help you formulate better dialogue.

3. Plot - gotta have one brother.

4. Punctuation - You gotta be smooth with that. It took me twice as long to read a nine pager than it normally should. It's because I had to re-read certain parts because there was poor punctuation.

Keep working hard and don't give up.
Tobias

Actually, Tobias, Bert was wondering how Kyle would be able to respond...as someone other than Gravell  ;)

I'm on Bert's side with this one.

How did this one particular script draw you to this site?  The synopsis is dull and poorly written.  It doesn't sound original.


Phil

I may be mistaken but that fight at the conclusion reminded me a lot of the ending of Metal Gear Solid 2 when Raiden and Solidus fought with swords.  

This script was...interesting...to say the least.  

Thought I might get an ass kicking, but hey, It was the first one i read and the title sounded ok and it was easy to visualise. Don't shoot the visitor whilst he reads The Shield script AGAINNN!!!

Well, Gravell, I can at least agree with your sig...

well it was short even for a short which can't be good.

The characters were badly fleshed out and didn't make me interested in them at all.

You have the masked man telling John to meet him but also that he can not be trusted. If I guys told me to meet him somewhere but that he can't be trusted I would probably NOT meet the guy.

Then the guy tells John that he is here to kill him and obtain a chip that is in his computer, on the back of his computer. Make up your mind. is it in the computer on on the computer?

Talking about the dialogue. It seemed a bit forced an unnatural to me. Try speaking it outloud to yourself...it just doesn't work.

Well that's my 2 cents worth