Michael's Last Day by Rich Lugo - Short - About a guy named Michael and his last day before he dies.  "Valentine's Day Visual Writing Challenge." 5 pages - doc, format 8)

Hmm interesting script you have here. I liked it. I just didn't understand who 'they' were. But the rest was good.

Also, you need to get ride of the 'we sees' and 'we stays'. There is a topic on here about that here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1138076581/s-0/

But overall this script was good. I also want to know what happened on the phone or what happened to Shelly that made him so suicidal.

Sean

Thanks for the post. I wasn't trying to give to much information it was kind of like whatever you wanted 'they' to be. But if you want to know what 'they' were to me it was like, Michael hasn't paid a debt in awhile to 'they' and then 'they' call him and tell Michael the situation. Which was either him or Shelley were going to pay with their lives. So, Michael chose himself.

And another reason why I didn't give to much info is because it was some thing i was planning to film with my brother, sort of meant for your eyes to see. Not relly something meant to be read. But it sort of makes a good read still too, which is the reason i posted it.

And when it comes to the 'we sees' and 'we stays' it something that i'm still trying my best not to use. It's just been along time since i posted anything. My last script which was "Christian's Vice" was a full length script. I just wanted to put something on the site so bad.

Thanks for the comments and I'll try my best to get rid of the 'we sees and 'we stay'.

RICH

Rich, did you sign up for simplyscripts under four different names?  Under the list of new members, there's three other new members very similar to your (including their e-mail addresses).


Phil

Why many people here are so changeable?

Rich, did you sign up for simplyscripts under four different names?  Under the list of new members, there's three other new members very similar to your (including their e-mail addresses).


Phil

RE: Yes I did because the first three times didn't work because I kept doing something wrong but i finally got it to work. So I had to keep making up new email adresses. But I'm on it now which is all that matters. Did you read my script.


RICH

I haven't read it yet.  I'm pretty swamped right now.


Phil

Ok, I just finished reading it, and I was left with that same question that you answered above:

Who the hell are they?

You described it in your response, but I really think that it should have been in the script, maybe in the letter, since it really didn't give that much info considering how long it was.

The "We See's" have already been mentioned, so I won't go into that, although I'll mention something else.

The fact that Michael wears a Dallas Cowboys shirt and eats Froot Loops has no bearing on the story, and are just unnecessary details.

Is the opening a dream sequence?  A failed attempt?

Mike,

The opening sequence is a dream sequence because its supposed to be sort of like he sees the way he dies, not that he's psychic or anything but just as a Deja Vu kind of thing. When it comes to the Dallas Cowboy shirt and fruit loops it just kinda popped in my head so i wrote it. I guess I'll leave those kind of details out on my next script.

And when it comes to 'they' i just felt like keeping them anonymous. Instead having something that would be obvious such as a mob or bookie. But hey, thanks for the post.

Rich

Hey Rich, just finished reading this.

I understood what was Michael´s problem, after reading your explanations of this matter, which isn´t a good sign; scripts don´t come with FAQ. I suggest you to try to include this additional information in the script, I mean the debt thing.

From the moment Michael wakes up to the moment before he recieves the phonecall, nothing interesting happens. You can easily loose that stuff in the middle without any harm to the story.

Both notes are very long, try to shorten them; you can´t have the audience looking at a piece of paper for so long. And don´t show Michael writing entirely the first one, just have him grab a pen and then cut to the moment when the letter is already finished.

I read you´re planning to shoot this by yourself, but do know that camera directions do not belong to spec screenplays.

Loose the CUT TO´s; they´re useless. Every new slugline clearly implies a new scene.

Use DAY or NIGHT (exceptionally SUNRISE or SUNSET) in your slugs; MORNING or any other is a no-no.

The BAM at the end... it´s ok to capitalize it, but leave it in standard font just as the rest of the script.

I hope these comments were useful, good luck.

You have an economical and fluent writing style, which made your script an easy read. You didn’t tell us a lot about the protagonist except, that he was willing to sacrifice himself in order to save a loved one. So I guess he was a noble and sympathetic character, whose passing was somewhat of a tragedy.  However, there were a hell of a lot of unanswered questions at the end and they left me feeling a little dissatisfied. For example, I know he had to kill himself to protect his partner, but why didn’t he just run away with her? Or, why didn’t he get his gun and kill the people who were threatening him? And why did the partner have to flee after he killed himself? I thought they were only going to harm her if he didn't put himself off.

Now that I've received all of your helpful comments i realize that this script needs work, but it's work that i do not plan on doing on this script. But I'm currently working on a short script that shouldn't have any plot holes and does have dialogue. Also that hopefully will not require a FAQ post. It's sort of like Fallen mixed with Amittyville Horror. It's about a group of six friends who are spending the weekend at one of their houses, and they are trying to figure out who's trying to kill them not knowing it actually is each other, if that makes any sense.

Thanks again for all the comments and critiques and I hope you read my other scripts that i plan to write.

RICH

OK, I know that I'm not the brightest crayon in the box and I just figured out that I can HIGHLITE things while I'm reading. Ya'll probably do that already, but now, even I can hopefully make better reviews,

SPOILERS GALORE:

For starters I actually liked the idea of his dream coming true. Sad, but good!

1: Why is the dream in B/W? I'm not sure that ads anything.

2: "The man is average height and weight for his age which is like early 20's".

This does not tell me anything. My son is 20, he's 6'3" and weighs 170lbs. His friend Sean is the same age, but is shorter than me and weighs in at 200lbs.

3: Nice note, but does not need to be in bold text.

4: He probably breathes rather than breaths in swiftly.

5: INT. BEDROOM - MORNING IN COLOR.
Skip the color and morning part (I got stomped on for the time description myself).

6: "he takes about eight steps from his bedroom and enters the bathroom. We don't follow him in there just so he can have privacy."
Are the amounts of steps important? No? Then skip that.
None of my charachters had the luxury of privacy

7: Skip the we see's and the we hear's.

8: Dallas Cowboy T-shirt? Does it say Emmitt Smith on it? If not, skip it.

9: INT. LEAVING ROOM
Is he leaving the room or is it a Living Room?

10: "turns the TV"?
Which way is it facing now? Or is this a language thing, depending on where on earth you live?

11: Fruit Loops? Product placement?

12: Skip the CUT TO's.

13: "He takes a couple more bites and then...
He puts the bowl and spoon in the sink"?
I really thought something exciting was about to happen. Big disappointment.

14: "It seems like a regular day but then the phone rings".
What's a regular day? I'm pretty sure that my regular day is quite different from yours,

15: "We do a close up"?

16: "His tears flow endlessly"?
There's a good possibility that I'm just a cold Swede, but this just didn't work for me.

17:"head no facing" probably meant, now.

18: "He stops screaming and wipes his face, and allows himself to breath. Michael now just sits there for a few minutes with no more tears but still sad. He then shrugs his shoulders and stands up".
Breathe, probably.
He's been REALLY upset and then he just shrugs?

19: INT. BEDROOM- NOON
That specific time thing again (I did it too).

20: He spreads the tarp on the floor.
What a nice guy, doesn't want to leave a mess.

21: We move toward the note could be "insert note" or even "angle on: note".
Don't bold text the note.

Hope you didn't think I was mean. I did like it.
:)