OK, I know that I'm not the brightest crayon in the box and I just figured out that I can HIGHLITE things while I'm reading. Ya'll probably do that already, but now, even I can hopefully make better reviews,
For starters I actually liked the idea of his dream coming true. Sad, but good!
1: Why is the dream in B/W? I'm not sure that ads anything.
2: "The man is average height and weight for his age which is like early 20's".
This does not tell me anything. My son is 20, he's 6'3" and weighs 170lbs. His friend Sean is the same age, but is shorter than me and weighs in at 200lbs.
3: Nice note, but does not need to be in bold text.
4: He probably breathes rather than breaths in swiftly.
5: INT. BEDROOM - MORNING IN COLOR.
Skip the color and morning part (I got stomped on for the time description myself).
6: "he takes about eight steps from his bedroom and enters the bathroom. We don't follow him in there just so he can have privacy."
Are the amounts of steps important? No? Then skip that.
None of my charachters had the luxury of privacy
7: Skip the we see's and the we hear's.
8: Dallas Cowboy T-shirt? Does it say Emmitt Smith on it? If not, skip it.
9: INT. LEAVING ROOM
Is he leaving the room or is it a Living Room?
10: "turns the TV"?
Which way is it facing now? Or is this a language thing, depending on where on earth you live?
11: Fruit Loops? Product placement?
12: Skip the CUT TO's.
13: "He takes a couple more bites and then...
He puts the bowl and spoon in the sink"?
I really thought something exciting was about to happen. Big disappointment.
14: "It seems like a regular day but then the phone rings".
What's a regular day? I'm pretty sure that my regular day is quite different from yours,
15: "We do a close up"?
16: "His tears flow endlessly"?
There's a good possibility that I'm just a cold Swede, but this just didn't work for me.
17:"head no facing" probably meant, now.
18: "He stops screaming and wipes his face, and allows himself to breath. Michael now just sits there for a few minutes with no more tears but still sad. He then shrugs his shoulders and stands up".
He's been REALLY upset and then he just shrugs?
19: INT. BEDROOM- NOON
That specific time thing again (I did it too).
20: He spreads the tarp on the floor.
What a nice guy, doesn't want to leave a mess.
21: We move toward the note could be "insert note" or even "angle on: note".
Don't bold text the note.
Hope you didn't think I was mean. I did like it.