The Gold Fishes by Helio J. Cordeiro - Short - You could be in trouble if you don’t pay attention to a note of warning. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

An amusing little tale, Helio.  Kind of like a comical Twilight Zone episode.  I found it a little predictable, in part due to the name of the piece.  Maybe if you expanded it, you can make the 'surprise' a little more subtle.


Phil

Helio

I agree with Phil. It was predictable to a point. You could have really expanded this one. The lady could have wound up joining the man in the fish bowl as she hung the picture. And they could have become fish with only their faces on the gold fish bodies. Go wild.

Spencer

Hey spencer and dogglebe!  Yeah I was too shy on this one.

i like your short stories, (unfortunately 'cause of luck of time i can't read a lot of full scripts) they are strange, differant from another scripts, i wander if you have something long 100-105 page.

Thanks datha. Keep reading my shorts scripts that in return I will read yours.

I have two feature scripts posted here in Drama session.  Oporto's Bride (in English) and A Última Sessão (the last show) - in portuguese.

Hey guys! I'm rewriting this script and I'll have a great and nice surprise for ya! Just wait a little!

I can't read this one because I think it is PDF file. Is there a way you can put the script into a microsoft word document or something like that?

Hi, have you heard about Acrobat Reader? It is free. Go to this:

http://www.adobe.com/products/acrobat/readstep2.html

Pretty neat script, it fellt like something from amazing stories(God I wisht hey would bring that show back).  easy read, a few grammer mistakes, but all in all a fun read.  keep up the good work!

Thanks drexel! I'm rewriting it and soon I'll post the new version of it.

AWESOME!  Can't wait to read it!

Helio, you amaze me each time with the scripts you write, and I truly mean this in a good kind of amazement. They are all so odd, and yet I get what they mean. I have a review here for you.

From what I heard, English is not your first language, and yet you still are pretty much top notch on it. In fact, sometimes it is impossible to tell the difference. You have great puncture and grammar to go along with a nicely told story.

This script had me laughing out loud at some points, and this whole thing was actually playing out in my head as it went along. You have a great way of getting people caught in your net of a story because of how well it is written.

Can you explain to me how he got in the painting? It confuses me. Was this all in his imagination or in someone else's. I don't get it.

Helio, keep up the good work, because I love every single piece you have posted on this site so far. Good luck with future projects, and I'm looking forward to reading and reviewing more of your scripts.

-Jimbo

Hey Jimbo!

Man, with more good comments like yours will make me inflate! Not too much because I can to explode!

Thanks, thanks and thanks!

I'm preparing a new version of it more long than this one about 10 pages.

Sounds great. I know I will give it a read.

Boy, oh boy, oh boy Helio. I think your Tanuki's are in danger here. Are you sure you don't want to change the name of the neighbour and the AGE!

Anyways, here goes:

SPOILERS:

As usual I did find your story amusing and different. I like that.

1.   EXT. QUIET STREET - MORNING
It is a very quiet street. The sidewalks are lined with
trees.

There's no need to point out that it's a quiet street in the slug and skip the morning part too. (I know I've done it too)

2.    Hit the "enter" button one more time between each description, it's too bunched up.

3.    "Shortsighted" �, possible language thing, but I think you meant nearsighted, very different meaning.

4.   EXT. NEIGHBOR HOME'S - CONT.
No need to put CON'T since we haven't been there yet.

5.    Ditto #4 for the EXT. VAN

6.    INT. OLD HOUSE - CONT.  Ditto.

7.    The Montage you probably did OK, but you could probably get away with just stating what we see (and I don't mean a "wee see thing). The A..B..C.. thing seems old way, but I could be wrong.

8.    Tsunami,  good hint at what's to come.

9.    Louis is banging a nail into the wall...
       THUD! THUD! THUD... I'm glad you're using sound, but when I drive a nail into a      
       wall it's more like BANG! BANG! BANG!    

10.   I liked the ending, but the part with the medicine, might get you in trouble.

I like your ideas, but you need to get a little more clear in the telling of your stories. I know that's hard, I really do, but you have something that a lot of people don't which is, a uniqueness.

Never give up, 8)

Yeah, you are a very cool person, girl! Thanks. I'll do the changes in the new version of it!

About the lady's name it was my homage to someone! Unfortunately, it will be out  in the new version for others reasons.

Thanks for uniqueness!

You just don't know women enough.
If you had put the age at 25, you'd be a hero, but 60, yikes!
;)

Yeah girl, I was in danger! My new version will save me!

This is a cool script!

I thought there were going to be actual gold fishes, but I guess not. This story is really creative and I was wondering what happened.

Spoilers!

When I found out he was now in that painting, I was suprised.

Cool script. Keep on writing.

E.T.

Helio, well done. I've decided to inflate your ego a little more by saying the piece was very concise and well put together. As mentioned, it's very much in the vein of the Twilight Zone and such in that it ends a little on the bizarre side. Personally, I think your character had too many unnecessary lines. "This is the place" is unnecessary to being with as it is obviously the place when he gets out in front of the place. Careful about making the characters talk too much.

Other than that. Well done.

Helio

Excellent story, I can see you are having fun with a surreal story and using Breanne in the story makes reference and homage to the surrealism in her work.. Well done..

Considering you are Brazilian and Portuguese is your first language you're English is amazing..

There's some formatting errors and spacing issues but apart from that this is a very good short screenplay that could be entered into competition..

Increase the page count to 10 pages and you'll be on to a winner..

If you'd like help with the formatting then email me privately my friend and  I'll help you..

Kevan..

Nice to hear these kind words from Kevan. Thanks a lot about a help. I did a new version of it and co-wrote it with a guy that would be a surprise to all. Let's it arrives and depending on you will think about it I'll ask a little help.

I'm felling very happy with all these nice comments and helpful criticisms from averybody in the SS aboput my scripts not to mention the fact that sometime I found myself kiding and joking just to see all people here happy and laughing a lot.

Thanks my friend and doesn't matter what will happen in the world cup, I know that the final will be great!

I don’t believe this. This script was originally uploaded on February 17th, 2006, and I just stumbled across it today.

Well, well, well, Helio, 60???!!!! And you put me in a dowdy dress on top of it????!!!!!

I swear vengeance upon you Helio you dirty dog!!!! That’s it. The next script I write is going to have a character named Helio and he’s going to be an embarrassing son of a bitch!!! I’m going to humiliate him so badly! And to think I was looking you up because I missed you.

I’m only teasing with you Helio.:) This script is insane of course. I didn’t expect anything with the name Helio J. Cordeiro on it to be sane (although you have occasionally written things that were relatively sane).

Anyway, sorry everyone for resurrecting such an old thread but I wanted to let Helio know that time has caught up with him and I will get even with him by the power of the pen -- haha. :)


Breanne

Helio

Interesting piece here to say the least.

I gather English is not your first language so well done on being able to write something like this. With that in mind I have pointed out some grammatical errors, formatting issues etc. All in the aim of helping you of course.

"BREANNE" -- names should only be capitillised in the descriptive when first seen.

"POV of Louis" -- Should be Louis P.O,V. The way you have it phrased suggests we are looking AT Louis, not through his eyes.


"Scenes of latest the Tsunami are showing on the screen." -- Take out the "the" before Tsunami.

I can't see how "Dogglebe" & "Spencerforhire" found this predictable, thats the last thing I would level at it.

I mean maybe its just me but I don't read too many scripts or see too many films where people become part of a picture because they hammered a nail into a wall...again maybe its just me.

But yeah this was a strange little one, I enjoyed it for what it was though I have a lot of questions, such as WTF is up with the house -- possessed, haunted??

A bit of tightening up on your grammer & prose and you will have an intriguing piece of surrealism here. Keep it up.

Col.

Brea!!!!! My goddess! I don’t believe you have been exhumed this short! I came to here because I thought it had a same tittle of my short - haha My god!

Brea Really this Helio is a **** He deserves you name him he is an "embarrassing son of a b****!" hahahahah!

"Anyway, sorry everyone for resurrecting such an old thread but I wanted to let Helio know that time has caught up with him and I will get even with him by the power of the pen -- haha.

You are a love woman, Brea, and and a great SS colleague I have ever!

I've out of this discussion board for a long time, because lot of things happened to me in between. I'm very sorry about that, please forgive me. I swear that I wasn't in the sanatoria, believe me.

Col, thanks so much dear colleague for your kind words and criticism. Don’t listen to them, I’m an old sane man, really I’m. hahahaha!

I'm glad Breanne dug this up because I hadn't seen it either.

Helio, did you ever post the new draft?

Either way, this was pretty neat. I felt like I had been watching the Twilight Zone.

I felt it had a comedic ending though. I thought it felt off.

I think to give it more of a shock at the end like the Twilight Zone, you could have his screams being overpowered by noise coming from the television. ???

Anyway,
I thought it was a good read.  ;D
Cindy

Hello, Cindy! Nice to see you reading my stuffs again.  I'm sorry but I've been so buzy with my short tales.

Thanks a lot for you comments, my dear.

cheers