Underneath by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) - Horror - In 1966 a small town is terrorized by a Werewolf.  They thought after they killed it things would go back to normal.  Forty years later the mysterious killings start up again, and all hell is about to break loose. 138 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting this don.  I always wanted to write a monster movie, this was my first crack at it.  I had the basic idea way back in 9th grade, but only got around to writing it in the past month.  Any feedback would be great.

SPOILERS***













I haven't read the entire thing, just the beginning. The whole ten year old death scene was just not good. I mean it was way too violent. He's only ten. I was thinking you should make em a little bit older if you want that scene, becuase although some would love it, the majority will hate it. And the werewolf being completely visible is also a bad idea. You lack surprise later on. And if you ever make the movie, your prop people would love you for it. It's more scary anyway. I'll finish readin it.

SPOILERS**



















I read up to about halfway and I could never really get into the script. You have too many "popcorn" scenes in the beginning. ( THe scene in the movie that explains the character but doesn't add to the story, so people go buy popcorn.) I felt it dragged on at times, and some of the lines were really cheasy like when sebastian says, they went into the woods for a little  ****y ****y. And when  Sara, I think that's her name, says you planted your **** in me. I feel that the opening sequence was way too long. You missed a great oppurtunity for a good stare down between the wolf and I can't remember his name, the old drunk who shoots himself. I will try to read the rest, maybe tomorrow.

so far 6/10

Darkofan, thanks for reading it(at least some of it), I did know the opening scene was graphic, and would turn off a lot of people, I wanted the first kill to be as disturbing as I could think of.  Other movies have done this like Jaws when the little boy is ripped apart and also in silver bullet when Marty's friend is shredded.  It maybe too violent but that was the purpose.

second, I agree the opening part is too long, it would probably be 15 minuetes of the movie, this is a first draft and there are things that need to be trimmed.

third, some of the dialog could be seen as cheesy, but I have heard people say those exact lines before, the ones you mentioned, but looking back on it I agree and I think I will take them out.

I know this needs some work, I just wanted some feedback before I started re-writing.  thannks again for your coments, they came in handy.

I can totally see where darkofan is coming from, here.  The opening kill scene is just way too graphic to involve a ten year old boy.  I can appreciate what you're trying to do by having the film start off with a horrific bang - way before he started sucking sour frog ass, Wes Craven used to do the same thing with the idea that if you show the viewer (or, in this case, the reader) something horrible right off the bat you have them thinking, "Wow, this is scary and it's only the beginning!".  But I think you went several steps too far.  You want really scary?  Have the claw swing at the kid then cut to blood splattering upon the snow; the reader's imagination will make it much scarier than any description ever could.

Speaking of graphic descriptions...reading the word "snot" three or four paragraphs in a row is beyond redundant.  No need to get THAT descriptive -- just knowing he's out in the snow and running and panicked is enough.

Watch your spelling, as well.  "A white rabbit hopes," "deader that the big bopper", etc.  Incidentally, I'm 34 and it took me a minute to remember who the Big Bopper was.  Having a ten year old refer to him in casual conversation just doesn't gel.

Other than that, I think your idea so far is good.  You just need to work on the execution.  

Good luck, and keep writing! :)  

Thanks Lon, I can see what you're saying about the opening scene, It is extremely violent, probably the second most violent scene in the script.  Maybe I did go overboard.

I saw saw the spelling mistakes as well, they have been fixed, there are a couple more through out the script. :B.

the reason I picked the Big bopper was because He was the only celebrity  that I could think of that died before the 60's, I know there are others but that one just came to mind, I probably should have used Buddy Holly.

thanks for your imput, I'll put it to some good use.  hope you enjoy the rest of the script.

I read the opening scene to this and thought it was excellent. Francis falling down, breaking his nose, and getting bloody snot smeared all over his face felt raw, messy, and, overall, real. Horror at its best IMO.

I'll read the rest of the script before the week's over. The only reason I'm hesitating to do it now is because it's pretty long and I have a few things to do today and tomorrow.

Thank's James, I hope you like the rest of the script.  There are a few grammer and spelling mistakes in there that were pointed out to me, and a few others I found, so I'm fixing that, plus trying to shorten it, damn is that tough, but I would love some imput before I start a major re write.  thanks again.

Alright, finished.

Overall, an excellent werewolf story that ranks high amongst the goriest scripts I've read on the site. Not only do you have the blood but you seem quite keen on the use of organs as well. The final kill scene was especially brutal and genuinely disturbing as well (you know which scene I'm talking about). You also have some excellent characters in this as well. It was nice to see other things going on besides werewolf carnage. I thought the relationship between Casey and Sebastian was quite well done.

A couple things...

1. Like I said before, the script's way too long. I've suggested a few cuts below.

2. No need to put CUT TO at the end of each scene. That's kind of implied by the sluglines.

3. Sebastian goes from telling Francis to relax to agreeing with him too quickly. Fix this.

4. Specific song titles pop up throughout the script. I think you should lose them. If this script actually goes into production, they'll cause some complications later on.

5. I don't like the scene with Andrew and Katie for several reasons. First off, you already have one hell of an opening. To chase it with this is too much. The violence feels gratuitous at this point. Good horror films need breaks between the violence to build tension and for the violence to have any effect. Also, the whole situation is a bit too cheesy. It's almost like a spoof. I'd say lose the scene entirely since you come back to it later on.

6. We don't need the flashback scene with Casey nor him breaking the photograph. We already know he's upset about his mother's death. Lose it.

7. No need for Sebastian to reiterate his day at the bar. We already know what happened to him. Lose this as well.

8. You use V.O. with phone calls. Not O.S. This is something I've learned recently myself.

9. You need to capitalize Richard's character during his introduction.

10. Sebastian tossing Richard in jail without a phone call and proceeding to beat him seems completely out of character. Either lose all of it or have Richard actually do something that merits his incarceration. In any case, lose the beating.

11. Two major things are revealed to Sebastian in the third act: his childhood friend hasn't died in the manner Sebastian was told he has and his daughter is married and pregnant. Yet Sebastian barely reacts in either scene. This needs to be fixed.

All in all, a good story but too long. You've got a few spelling and punctuation errors throughout as well. Be sure to fix them. Good luck with the rewrite.

Thanks James for the tips.  I agree with you on many of the tips you gave.  yes it is very long, I have over 29 speaking parts and more than one story goin on at one time.  the cut to's were automatic with final draft, i guess i should have changed my settings, it would probaly cut my script down a page or two.

I know this is EXTREMLY violent, in the US it would probably get the nc-17(we don't have that in Canada so it never crossed my mind)

I wrote specific song titles in there because it does help me with the scene, I know it's unusual, but I think it helped me a lot, maybe I should take them out though.

you're dead on with the bar scene, I think I just need to show sabastian drunk, not telling his life's story, great observation.  thank you.

the V.O, and OS, That was my mistake I hit the wrong button, it is fixed as well as the spelling mistakes, plus Richard's introduction.

the prison cell scene I feel needs more there, I really want Sebastian to beat the shit out of Richard cause I think at that moment he doesn't really care and shows he's capable of brutality, but I totaly see where you're coming from.

you are 100% right about sebastian and his new found information, I need to explore that a bit more.

and I think I know what you mean about the final kill, and that is the one thing I would not change in my re-write, it has to happen for the outcome, Casey needs to be at the point of no return and i think that scene accomplishes it.

thanks again for your coments, they will help very much.  hope all your writing goes well.

Whoa
This was pretty good. There were a few grammar/spelling mistakes. Like Huge instead of Hug. I agree with a previous poster when they said the relationship between Casey and Sebastion was very well done. When the boy falls and breaks his nose and the you talk about the bloody snot-i dunno i was disgusting. lol. this was pretty Gory and gruesome.
SPOILER








I started suspecting Casey as a werewolf a few scenes before the party but i didn't even think about his friends. I thought they were just there to get killed off. I was suspecting a huge werewolf attack at the football game where Tyler or one of the other friends turn while playing and attacking other players. That would've been great but the ending you came up with was way better. It wasn't the happy ending you usually get. It was adrupt and shocking and sad.
The new way of how they came to be was creative and simple. I would've liked to know more about the mythology behind it.
Toward the end were Casey turns and you call him Wolf Casey or Were Casey(or something like that) i thought that was funny because i started to think of him as a superhero or something. If you would've just put werewolf we would've known it was Casey. I like how you'd have the songs playing on  radio or a jukebox-it helped me visualize the feel of the scene better.
i don't know why but I thought the character Justin was missing something. He seemed a little bland. I don't know why.
Overall this was a Great and entertaining read.

Thanks for the read shawnkjr.  I have been going through the script and have made some changes that were sugested to me.  I have cut over 4 pages out, I tried to make it a bit tighter, and hopefully I caught most of my grammer mistakes(I probably still missed a few)

the relationship between Casey and Sebastian is the backbone of the film, eventhough they only have a few scenes together.  I knew it needed to feel real for the ending to be satisfying.

I think that the players changing into Werewolves during the game would have been great (I wish I thought of that), but I am still happy with the ending.

the mythology of these Werewolves was a little different than most Werewolf stories, first they just don't come out on full moons, I thought it would be cool to have a scene during the day when the Werewolf comes out.  second I wasn't going with the silver bullets, I liked how in american werewolf in london, you just need to really beat it down to kill it.  The script origianlly had more to do with the "book", but it was getting too long and slowing down the story, so I cut it out, in fact I cut about 40 pages out before I submited it.

about the Justin character, I know he does seem like the guy when you first meet him is an automatic victem, there were a few more scenes with him, in fact he had a pretty bigf monolog, but it slowed down everything so I took it out.

thanks again for the read.

I really enjoyed reading your script. I love horror. I have been trying to write horror and I always get side-tracked with watching horror rather than trying to write it. I noticed the werewolf is seen right away. You don't want to give away your villian or in this case monster right away. But you really have a grasp on your story, you know where it is going. I do think you should give a little more on the boys with that book. Maybe have it so they are watching some old movie like the Wolf Man and then they find the book and so on. But I really would love to see this on the big screen. It should really be a treat.

Thanks a lot for the read sunshine.  I know I don't explain a lot with the book, the truth is this script was almost 170 pages and i had about 30 pages that was about how the book was discovered in france during WW2, I even had a huge battle scene in there, kinda like Saving Private Ryan, but it just felt out of place so I took that whole section out,  I think I do need to put a little more in there about it, but I don't want the script to get too long.  I'm sure I will be able to figure out a way, I'm still re-writing this trying to make it better, it's just taking a little longer because of something else I'm writing, maybe I should just focus on one at a time.  Anyways thanks again for your comments.

my new draft is up.  I made a few changes in this script, first thing was I cut out about 8 pages, probably more because I added some new stuff.  I hope this new version is a little better, actually I hope it's a lot better.

I take it this is a rewrite?  I didn't see your original so I can't comment on any changes you made.  I will say it has potential.

First off, I noticed a few typos: on pg 34 you have 'tuck' instead of 'truck'.  On pg 36 when Hannah is talking it should be 'thing' instead of 'this'.

My overall impressions were that this was more violent than scary.  With shows like CSI on the tube now I'm not sure exactly how shocking mutilated bodies are these days.  

Personally, I felt that the werewolves kept turing up too easily.  It would have been interesting to see you expand on the hunt with the sherrifs and biologist in the forest.  In jaws, as you'll recall, when they set out to sea in the boat, it took them a while to hunt and track down the shark. It was an obsticle that they had to overcome - hunting down the elusive shark.

I also think, as a suggestion, you could delve a little more into the origins of the werewolve legend.  You mentioned briefly about some Natzi experiments in the past?  This, I think, would help differentiate your script from the others.

If I were to cut anything it might be a killing or two.  These can get a little redundant after a while (although some will say this is the best part).  If need be, you could consider the idea of maybe having only one werewolf.  This would elimate the need for a few peripheral characters.

All in all this was an easy read, which is good.  Some of the descriptions, while colorful, could be streamlined a little.  

Hope this helps.

Thanks mgj, your coments will help, I'm still fine tuning it, this version is a little shorter than the last one, and I put back in the nazi stuff that was in my original 170 page version, the reason I just elude to it is that it was just getting out of control and was going into the lengths of LOTR, I was also thinking of doing a prequel to this during the second world war in France, kinda like saving private ryan meets the howling.  anyways thanks for the read and the tips :)

Good Job. I enjoyed this, but i think you should definitely have Sebastian reacting a whole lot more than he does when he discovers Sara and Justin got hitched. Also you should definitely write a prequel, it would be intresting to see how exactly how the werewolves originated. Again good job.

Thanks for the read and comments Bates :D

SPOILERS.


I quickly scanned through the script while at work as it was a werewolf story and I have one completed and at a production company (see sig).

I can't really add anything more than what has been said. It was a little long for a creature feature and I have concerns with the ending and emotional impact (father & son). I also found a bit of a gap in the 2nd act when the pacing is a little slow (but that can be fixed up with shortening the script). Some things boarded on gratuitious, especially dealing with younger victims. Even though I don't care about those sorts of things, it will be a red flag to producers, agents. Trust me, they think and overthink everything.

I had to chukle as I read because you did have some similar ideas to my movie:

1. A small town
2. A mysterious book
3. A loss of a mother
4. Certain scenes (tent, school, woods, driving)

oh well...haha.

It feels like a 2nd or 3rd draft and I believe you can hack away for a couple more drafts before it's ready to shop. Cut down needless scenes, dialogue, description should be top priority. Then work on the suggestions by our reviewers listed above (I'm not going to bother re-stating what has already been said).

Take Care
:-)

Thank you for the comments macduff, I know the first kill in the film is extremly diturbing, and believe it or not I cut it down a whole lot...lol, and the end, that was the only way I felt it could end, the only satisfying ending in my mind, it is a downer, but that was what I wanted.  I am gonna re-write this some more as well, so all your comments help each time.  thank you again for the read. :D

I've only read a little more than half so far, but I'll give you what I think so far. I'll start with the bad. First off, you can trim A LOT of fat, in dialogue, but especially in descriptions. like you write a lot of what music is playing, what's on the juke box, what posters are on the wall, what people are wearing, one scene you even said that Sabastian got into his "1998 Midnight blue Buick Skylark". I just think that a lot of that is unnecessary and drags the story. And your descriptions are very big, try to break them up a little more and cut a lot of unecessary stuff out, and condense the dialogue and descriptions a little more so we get the point quicker. There were also a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, a few of the worst ones were: page 8 wrote, "I have KNOW idea". you wrote "deader that the buddy holly", "leafless body" on pg 47 when richard killed the bear, and there were a bunch in the 30's and 50's page numbers. Also, the kids swearing saying sh*t in the 60's and then talking about things being swell ideas and what not, I didn't buy that. I think in the sixties, ten year old kids  wouldn't have swore so much, I think the corny talk is more of the way to go. And the sex scene with andrew I think is a little too cliche. Haven't the Halloween and Friday the 13th movies already cover the sex/death scene enough already? I think you couldn't been a little more clever there, like something ironic, orAndrew trying to get some but she won't let him, or something, I just think that could be more clever than just sex and death. The dialogue also doesn't thrill me all that much, but does get better I think after Sabastian finds the dead sex kids. And there are too many smoking references I think, it gets repeatative.  What I did like was your Richard dryfuss gag, I thought it was really funny. I also thought it was good showing the wolf right off the bat. A lot of monster movies, especially ones dealing with wearwolves always have it concealed in the shadows, but I think that just gets us thinking about what it is more than the story. I think it's better to know what it is and then build the suspense from there. Especially in were wolf movies, we see the eyes and hear it snarl, so why conceal it, so I commend you on that. I also liked the grusome death of the little boy, which many others I saw knocked it, but I say if you kill a boy in the first ten minutes, than you don't know what else you can expect from this movie. And the script does seem to be getting better as it goes on. At first, I thought the boy's death was predictable and then with the sex scene, I thought the script would be boring, but now I'm really interested to see how it's going to turn out. The addition of Casey and his buddies being the were wolves was a great addition, and Richard trying to capture the creature I thought was a great idea, and I wanna see how this all effects Casey's girlfriend and his father and what will happen next, so it drives the reader, which is good. I'll probably finish the rest either tomorrow or later tonight.

finished. Ewww... she f***ed a werewolf. I don't remember reading that letter to penthouse. Good story though, definitely got better and better as it went. I liked the ending too, and how it didn't work unless you weren't a virgin, I thought that was a nice touch. You might wanna give it another once over just for spelling and grammar, which are rampant throughout. a lot of instances where you mistake words as well, ie. "theirs" which should be "theres" "heres" which should be hers" etc. But most of my negitive criticism lies within the opening of the story, I think that it's weak compared to the rest and can stand to be written better. It's not very catchy, but seems more typical of horror movies. I think when Sabastian finds the first dead kids is when it starts getting better, but everything before that I think could be a lot better. The dialogue had problems, the cheesy sex scene death, and the scene with Sabastian and Casey I think could be better too with more conversation. The dialogue I think had it's ups and downs, when it was good, it was really good, other times it wasn't great, but I think we just differ in our styles is all. And I think you could trim a lot of fat from the descriptions definitely, and condense the dialogue and description more as well. Your story is 118 pages when you could probably get it down to 110-115 easy. But other than that, I liked it alot. The car chase scene I thought was great, lots of gore, good plot, nice twists, good ideas never explored before in monster films that I've seen, good characters, progressive, and interesting. In other words, a hell of a lot better than Cursed was ;D Good job. And thanks for your review.

I just wanted to pop in and say I'll be reading and reviewing this one after I get done reading Brea's screenplay and one of Burt's this weekend... So look for a review around Sunday or Monday...

But I also wanna say that I don't know if it's a wise move to put your phone number up on your scripts... e-mail, yeah... phone number...?? No.  When you send them off for submission, yeah, that's needed... but here I believe an e-mail would suffice.

Just my two cents on the matter and I look forward to reading this one.

Thanks sryknows, glad you liked most of it.  I am doing another re-write and I am catching those grammer mistakes, and a few other things that I didn't like.  I know the scene with Katie and Andrew was kinda cheesy, I put that there cause I wanted that teenage sex/death thing going, because I think those two are kinda married I guess, and it does come back later, (hopefully it is not as bad as the cabin).  I know after the first 20 pages it does slow down a bit, there's a 48 page gap between werewolf kills, I kinda wanted to slow it down a bit because I knew the last 20 pages were gonna be filled with carnage.  I'm glad you liked it more than cursed.  I don't think there has been a good werewolf movie since Silver bullet, and that was before my time(I did like this 1 called dog soilders though)  I also wanted to stay away from the "if you get bit you turn" and "they only come out at night during a full moon". thanks again for your comments. :)

Baltis,

thanks for giving this a read, and yeah my bad on the phone number, when I was filling it out I just did it without thinking.  Anyways I hope you like it:)

Very good werewolf story your descriptions are excellent. You just need to pace the action out better instead of attack after attack after attack.

SPOILERS--

The Good
-Nice way to start out story-keeps reader interested.
-Most of the other reactions were real, especially when they find the pile
of dead bodies in the house.
-Dialogue for the most part was excellent.
-Pretty gruesome stuff in here.
-Nice monologue by Richard
-Good bit at the party with the dreams and stuff.
-When Justin opens the door and there’s a werewolf that would be a good surprise on screen instead of hearing a growl first.
-Casey being a werewolf was surprising didn’t see that coming, but why did Casey turn back so fast?

The Bad
-Rifle is not spelled riffle.
-Leroy trying to stuff his guts back in his stomach is a little ridiculous.
-The sherrif and his boys don't seem to be too surprised when the wolf
turns into a little boy. Maybe there's nothing else you can do, but it
just seemed a little odd to me that when the wolf changed to a boy the
sherriff was like "what the hell is that?" "Oh he courted
my daughter last year." Then Tom says "I bet you're glad he's
still not with her." Just didn't seem like real dialogue.
-Detectives don't accidentally just step on liver they're more careful
than that.
-When people are talking on the phone I'm pretty sure it's (O.S.) instead
of (V.O.)
-Through out the beginning it was just constant attacks the audience isn't
ever given a chance to breathe it seemed like after one attack another one
was beginning. It’s a good idea to keep up the shock factor high. Every time someone gets killed it should be a shock.
-No music
-Dreyfuss, not Dryfuss
-Every time someone is attacked there’s a low growl. Right when we hear that we know the person is dead. It spoils a lot chances for a surprise. Like the part with Mike Walker, I knew he was dead.
-Is the World War 2 thing necessary?
-Just a question when do the werewolves turn?

Excellent story, very gruesome. The descriptions of the violence was excellent.

Good Luck.

Thanks TAnthony,

I see your point on the four guys not reacting enough to the wolf changing into a boy, I should elabrate this more.

On the sheriff not being careful enough, some stuff that I took out was that Sebastian was a drunk, I should put it back in, he is not the greates sheriff in the world..LOL

I'm fixing all those grammer mistakes :B

The world war 2 stuff will be made more clear in my next draft, I had this thought of doing a prequel, it would be a mix of saving private ryan, raiders of the lost ark, and the howling.

I didn't show the werewolves turning cause  I didn't want people knowing when they were around.  You made a good point on the growls though, I will fix that.

thank you so much for your read and comments, they will help with my re-write.

PS:  I just started reading your script, I will post it tomorrow afternoon or evening.

thanks again :)

I was just wondering, what kind of effect did you want Sabastian to have on the audience? sympathetic, or disliked? Because I thought Sabastian was kindof a jerk, what with cheating on his wife and his relationship with Casey, him being a hardass with Sara, and then going after Richard, but then you made up for it as it went on, making Richard an @$$hole, and his embrace with Casey at the end, giving Justin the responsibility of protecting his daughter, keeping his family safe, etc. So, anyways, I just don't think you should add drunk to his resume in my opinion. He's hard enough to swallow as a sympathetic character, which I THINK is what you're going for, or should be at least. So, in my opinion, I think you should just cut out his stepping on the organs and being a drunk. We already assume he likes the drink enough from his knowing Tom and being in the bar. Anyways, that's my 2 cents. And I liked the Nazi story a lot. The prequel actually sounds like it would be pretty cool.

I kinda wanted him to be like, I guess, Denzel Washington in  man on fire, I guess that's as close to it as I can think of, the fact that he is very flawed, I wanted him to have his own demons, maybe your right though, I'll see how it looks, if it doesn't then I will just take it out.  thanks for your comments:)

I don't read other posts before a review so you get a completely unbiased look.


With that said a little disclaimer:  take what's useful ignore what's not.  I dont try to insult anyone in what I say, if it comes across as insulting that was never the intention.  Please ask me to clarify so that we can both learn from the mistake.  

General comments:  

First off:  I'm not sure who the hero of this movie would be...  In that I think you wanted it to be Sebastian, but at times you shy away from him, and for long stretches it seems like we don't even know what he's doing.  

What makes this idea unique?  Right now it's a werewolf movie, but they've been done.  You have little twists on the idea here and there, but i don't know if it's creative enough to make someone want to make a movie out of it.  What do you think it is... maybe we could help you pull the idea out more?

As I read some of the humor worked some didn't.  I write similarly, so I know how hard it is to get that timing and humor right.  After a couple drafts it's hard to tell what's funny what's not.  So I'm just gonna tel you flat out, this isn't funny.  If i dont mention it, then it's alright, if I say it's funny then I laughed.  It's just one perspective on the humor, so keep that in mind.  

2:  your dialogue sometimes, characters say what they are thinking.  Other times you tend to telegraph an event.  You can be more subtle it'll be more suspenseful.  You write "short cut through the woods" blah blah...  Shortcut through the woods would've done the trick here.

0full moon (in dialogue) show in the action lines, it'll be subtler and accomplish the same thign.
4: about to cry look=maybe try: verge of tears
*keep your action chunks 4 lines or shorter

*action could be tighter.  In a rewrite I'd focus on this.... on page 4 you could've said Gains sings along to ________.  Thus shortening a 3 page paragraph to one sentence.

*read your dialogue out loud to yourself, this well help tremendously.

7-riffles=rifles
dont' you thinik they'd cover the body?

dialogues wordy:  you write "it would have been 1 hell of a big dog blah blah...  you could cut everything but "what kind of dog leaves prints this big!"

10: courted?  maybe dated, went out, daughter's friend.  Remember when you write dialogue time period, and character pov.  Would a father know they are dating, if they are what would he call it?  is he really that old school to call it courting?  Maybe it's your call.

12: crystal- this has been used before in movies.  kinda cliche

-I had an idea for your tornado line: the first guys says torndao line then the other guy could say:  a tornado with claws and razor sharp teeth.-just an idea

15.  Slow down!  What!  Why's a sheriff covering this up...  Kinda bizarre premise.  What's his stake in the town, fear would be the reaction, a lot of animals in the woods would die but would people leave?  For me this premise does not work.  Teh covr up is not good enough reason to keep quiet about this.

17: When andrew sticks his head outthe window it could just get lopped off.

20: casey that's unfair.  - this guy's a cop, and that line comes across as if he's a wussy with a capital p.  not strong enough.

21: casey doesnt talk like most 16 year olds.  
-i dont get why they tell her to shut up?

23: cub scout thing is funny but really inappropriate.  sexualizing young children's a big nono, it was kinda gross at the same time.  I'd be careful with that.
-10 seconds..classic joke....suprised it was that long.  :)

28 jaws line, distracting doesnt need to be in that speech.  The hotel tangent isn't funny for me.

32: sara's bit on the baby is really long, nevermind the fact that this doesnt have any bearing on the story.  Why do we care about this...so we feel sympathy for later...because if so, the creation of sympathy is very dependent on how you present her... the whole father's going ot kill you distracts me from feeling bad when she is later attacked.  You'd need to make it more about her worrying about the baby, and drop the humor related to it.  It's a tradeoff, again personal opinion.

AT this point eveyr attack has ended in attack.  Horror should be suspenseful my man!  Have soem of these "attacks" not occur.  Just build it up.  They get repetitive.

35: How does hanna know he's thinking about his mother...this conversation isn't something I'd have at 16 with my gf.
cheesy love lines (i thought shannon was going to die, right here-because of the gooshy love)

39: ummm....why kill yourself when you have a gun to kill hte thing with?  Maybe the lights not on upstairs but this seemed like a dumb response.

42: you justify him killing himself, it's not logical, it doesnt work for me.

44: gross! stereotypical PDA, I hate overly smoochy movies, I dont know how others feel about it, but what teenager acts like that!  I'll say no more re: pda, for it's personal distaste and no related to how good or bad the screenplay is.  

46: why do people smoke so much!  If it doesnt come back to play in the story who discuss it?

47: richard's line not funny too long, sarcastic timing is off, the lemonade it's all not the right moment for humor.  Using comic relief is all about lettign the audience take a breath after putting them through hell...Don't give them that breath during hell.

peta=that was funny

53; catch it?  why's it have to be alive?  I can identify a dead squirrel as easily as a living one...  if you want people to believe it has to be alive come up with a damn good reason.  

55: so many jokes about sex.  Some ar efunny, but some seem familiar.

56: you could stop withthe line nice knowin you.

*what's with the songs?  Only if it's important I don't think they ever come into play.

60; why are they talking about this at a party, they didnt' need to nothing happens, and no suspense gets built.  This would be a good moment ot build supse and then have nothing happen!  But really this scene could be easily dropped.  you could explain everythign earlier.

62: based on my experiecne you don't call cops pigs and walk away.  You normally get hit with something and then arrested.

77: term your looking for here: obstruction of justice

rash comment-not here, doesnt work for me

83: it's the end of hte journy and now we find out about them?  Kinda late.  I watched this movie for 1.5 hours and now I know what's goign on.  I'd work these details in trhoughout, not all at once.  Reveal bits and pieces of the tale.  This is your truly original idea.  How they developed.  your inciting incident coudl be something that happend at the nazi camp=show it, don't tell it.  Also the book idea, ehh it's okay, but if this is the only thing that separates your werewolf movie from the others you have to really blow people's minds.  You have a chance here to come up with your own werewolf myth, what's a reason you like, what would blow your mind, and think yeah! that's possible.  Cause right now it's a magic book, that's a little weak.

89: why's sebastian think casey knows somethign the two do't speak.

91: sebastian finds out his daughter just got knocked up and this little s*** questions him...  this is an opporutnity for comic relief.

*why do they eat people?

105: chase scen cool at first, then it just gets ridiculous.  Is he riding the werewolf?

How'd they get there from the game already, didn't they have to change?

108: people don't say you shot me, do they?  (kinda pointing out the obvious)

115: the reason is cause he's a virgin, I dunno how I feel bout this...I'm going back and forth.  If you got a little more technical...maybe it releases a hormone that's only in your blood stream during sex. or something...  But still how would it work pretty sure casey done the deed alone...  You really gotta think this one through to get the audience behind your here.

That's all for now, normally I think of general things in my head, as they ideas float around...  more later.

Now I remember

characters: some are okay. some just fall flat.  Plus there's a ton of them.  Giving people names makes me think they're important if it's just a goofy cop, call him that.  The two characters with personality sebastian and casey.  everyone else I couldnt tell you there names.  The guy who needs teh most work, the biologist.  He coudl bring a lot of legitmacy to your story from teh more scientific point of view...the other characters are really just victims right?/  Or potential victims that the audience should connect with....

thanks for your comments jaykur22.  I am in a the middle of my re-write so this will help a lot.  I have tried to fix some of these things already.  I know there are long stretches without Sebastian, I have re aranged some scenes already so that this doesn't happen.  He may be kind of a pussy whaen it comes to Casey because of their past, he's not as tough with him as he should be..  the cub scout remark wasn't ment in a sexual way at all.  My dad used to say that and I know that it is not ment to be taken that way.  The reason Edward kills himself is beacuse first off he was drunk as a skune and he knew he wouldn't beable to kill it, so he decided to go out on his own terms.  the reason richard wants to catch it alive is more for fame than anything else, I should have made it more clear.  and the reason I had the werewolves eat is beacause that's there predators, they stalk their prey, then kill them, plus I never see werewolves actually eat people in movies, they just kill them like they are serial killers, I thought it would be cool to watch them feed.  The being a virgin thing I am trying to work on cause ya, if he did it himself it would kind of have the same effect, maybe there could be an emotion that helps, that would make it different than manual.

anyways, thanks for your comments.  :)

Man, I'm sorry it took me so long for this one... I agreed to read this one a week and a half ago and review it. I normally get right on my reviews and this was sitting on my desktop since then.

Sad part about it was I read the thing over that weekend and then had to re-read it just to get familiar with it again.

So, without further delay, my 100% blunt (as always) review of your screenplay!

Underneath, where to start but the start... ya know?

I love gore in movies. I do. I don't write that way, though... I've never been one to go into too much detail about gore and blood work. I'm creative in the sense I don't feel I need it in any story I tell... You however, WOW! This is easily a movie I'd sit and pick apart the gore scenes on... Much like I do with Bava or Fulci's stuff or Soavi, even. Your opener was probably the best thing you could have done here. It kept me pretty much hooked to know what else could you throw at me.

Your format and writing is very good. So now I can add you to the list of writers I'll look forward to seeing more stuff from, that's for sure. Brea is one of the writers I just love reading stuff from, cause she's makes everything so interesting. You've shown shades of that here too.

I, for one, didn't like the use of songs here and there in your script... Check around, though, and you'll see several instances where I piss and moan about people using songs here and there in their scripts. It's not a big deal (overall) but it is, ya know? It's like an annoyance, maybe.

You built up a good case for a who is it? And it paid off by and large. Some of your characters didn't seem as relevant during the middle to end as they might've during the 1st act... I felt your dialogue was strong (OVERALL) but you also had some spots where you felt it necessary to let us know something that might not have been so earth shattering.

In the end I walked away with a MALE PERSPECTIVE OF GINGER SNAPS, maybe. This is kinda what GINGER SNAPS touched on, only in a bit of a different way "in the female sense" I liked it. I really do. I think it's probably "BREA'S SCRIPT DEVIL IN D MINOR, aside" the best script I've read since I've been back.

&, yes, that is saying something... I am, however, looking forward to reading more from you so if you got some new stuff or old stuff or whatever, let me know. I'll get a review up faster next time.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON IT : For what it was (A WEREWOLF STORY) you can't go wrong with reading this one... Even more so when you stack this script up to about 50 I.Q. reducing scripts, in and around the boards, as of late.

WOW, Thanks Balt.  To be honest I was kinda worried what you were gonna say cause I read som eof your other reviews, and well, you were brutaly honest, but that's a good thing.  I am glad you liked this.  I am working on my re-write right now, I just finished the first act, and yes, other than the first song, I am taking them all out, I will put them in my script notes.

Are you from canada by the way, cause I didn't know gingersnaps was released out of Canada.  I have only seen the last half of the second one myself.

Which characters do you think I need to work more on?  I hope this is something I can fix.

by the way I think The Devil in D minor is probably one of the best scripts I have read on this site as well.

I also have one other feature written but I read in some of your posts you don't like the friday the 13/halloween rip off's, and it is a masked killer story with  a little bit of a haunted house story thrown into the mix.  I just sent in m y re-write and it should be up in the next batch.  It's called vengeance in the thriller section, but I have changes the title to Whispers, so if you wanna take a look at it that be cool, I just don't know if it is something you care for that much.  

anyways thanks for your coments and they will help me with my re-write.

Sorry for the late review.

The dialogue was great, for instance, in the beginning you captured the small-town feel and everyone a real yokel vibe going on. But this was also kind of a problem, sometimes everyone sounded the same, I found myself having to check the characters name again, to make sure who was speaking. Then everything flashed forward forty-years and that problem disappeared. Other than that small complaint, a great effort on your part.

Your format was fine although there were a few places were dialogue and character names was all over the place (Page 24). It looks more like a glitch then something you did. Other than that, format was fine.

Your descriptions were probably my favorite aspect of this one, they were extremely violent and gruesome, they kept me hooked.

Overall, good job.

-Zavier  

Thanks for the read Nixon

That glitch on page 24 must have happened when I saved it to a PDF file, I dunno why it did that.

Glad you liked it.

Thanks again :)

Hey, Jordan, I gots ya a good, short review right here:

-- I liked the dialogue, though, in the beginning, I don't think boys 10 years old would begin say the word "shit" unless their family usually uses it...or I dunno.

-- Your way of having them get the curse of the werewolf is original. I like that.

-- You have some spelling errors, but that won't kill anyone.

-- You tend to be repetetive sometimes. "Suddenly there is a loud growl" "he is torn to shreds" "Growling can be heard" But that is what werewolves do I guess. Growl and tear.

One of the kids needed to turn into a zombie...Just kidding! I enjoyed it and I give it 5 stars.

Sean

Thanks Sean for the read.  Glad you liked it :)

Sorry I didn't put any zombies in there, maybe next time ;)

And at long last, here is your review.  Maybe a good thing about delayed reviews is that now your script gets put at the top of the page for more potential reads.  Yes!

SPOILERS THROUGHOUT!!!

Okay, so I jotted down some stuff while reading, not too much, but some of the more blunt things and they are:

*31: Throwing the picture seems awkward.  Obviously Casey and his father have a long, troubled relationship. Why would he suddenly crack now and throw the picture of his mom?  Maybe the therapy session, I don't know.
*I'm digging the scenes that you have with the werewolf, but you should use more descriptive words for it.  Instead of saying words like large or big or even using figures to describe stuff, use 50 cent words like towering or gangling or something.  I think they just have a better effect than large or big.
*41: When Sebastian runs his hand through his hair you should have a bunch of drool get caught in it too hahaha.
*I like the Jaws references.  The animal guy is even named Richard haha.
*84: I'm not sure about Richard being arrested.  Sebastian knew of the risk and the situation was really blurry, so I don't know if it's proper to place blame on him.
*85: you keep misspelling minute.  What the hell?
*86: The police bruality thing.  I'll finish reading and if it doesn't unwind then I'll come back to it.
*89: Lines like "this is just so hard to believe" or "I don't believe this!" is wasted dialogue.  Use something clever, or even simply put "unbelievable." It just sounds better
*92: This whole animal guy thing seems like entrapment, but I'll hold off on that until the end
*98: Sara and Justin have been trying to tell Sebastian of their marriage/pregnancy throughout the story and then they tell him at the football game?  That seems very out of place.
*110: I don't know if you intended this, but some of Sebastian's lines after someone is killed are really funny.  "Take Tom's truck.  Looks like he won't be needing it anymore." And also with Mike "he's not going anywhere."  Haha
*111: "Do you think you can make it?" when they're about to jump to the tree.  Another example of pointless dialogue because you hear it all the time and even if they don't think they can make it, they try anyway.
*116: Richard aiming at Kevin seems very out of place.  When he's introduced he seems like this compassionate, geeky scientist guy and as a reader I felt bad for him with the beating in the cell, but seeing as now he's threatening a cop you don't like him as much anymore.
*116: And upon finishing the above and reading on I think Richard's character is now virtually pointless.


So after finishing I went through the thread to see what other people had to say.  For one, I loved the opening of Francis getting killed.  You even went one step further as to include the breaking of his nose and intestines being gutted out(someone even stepped on the intestine, or was that the Andrew killing?)  If Hollywood puts all of these brutal rapes and whatnot into all of these films, then why can't there be a child's death?  This is an action flick, come on now.  And about that, it didn't seem very horrorish, but more of an action/mystery/suspense kind of thing.  If it were filmed you could easily make it a horror with camera angles and whatnot.

Some of the characters were okay, some didn't do it for me.  The sub-story of Justin and Sara with their relationship worked(until they tell Sebastian at the football game for whatever reason).  Casey and Hannah had a good thing going, then you had Casey's three friends who came off as total pricks at times which was good.  The ones who didn't do it for me were all the supporting guys, such as George and Pete and Mike and Tom and Larry and Frank and Kevin and you see where I'm going here?  My issue is that they were too much alike--in fact they all seemed like the same character at times.  You could have had Sebastian say instead of "Get me George" say "Get me Kevin" and there'd be no difference.  Give them some more character traits or change their names to things like Shithouse which allows the reader to easily decifer who's who.  

As I stated in the notes, by the time Richard was killed I felt that his character was pointless.  Mysterious creatures are killing people so the police call in this animal expert guy.  Good start.  Then he suggests an operation to capture one of these things and the police agree to it.  They want to know what it is too, right?  Yeah, so that was good.  Then there was the miscue during the actual shooting and suddenly Richard became the bad guy and was thrown in jail(and beaten up, you should take that out IMO).  By now I feel bad for Richard and I'm thinking that he'll come along and save the day.  Instead, he heads up to the woods, shoots a cop, threatens to kill the cop, then dies right there.  Essentially, I started disliking him when he pointed the gun at Kevin, then he died in vein. He didn't bring anything to the story.  If you were to rework this then I'd have Sebastian pissed at him after he accidentally shoots Kevin, he breaks out of jail, then helps take down a couple of the werewolves at the end and make up with Sebastian so there's a little development there.  My 2 cents on that.

The story was good.  I don't see that many werewolf movies so this is pretty original for me.  Personally I think werewolves are a very cool concept and you captured their essence with all the attacks in here.  The gore was awesome.  Descriptions like the snot thing and eye jelly at the end are provocative and I dig gore like that.  Some may not, but I think it's all a matter of opinion.  I saw that your first draft was 170 pages?  Whew.  I think to make your story that much cooler you could cut out a character or two(I.e. Peter or George or Mike or Kevin etc etc) and use those pages to go a little more into that book, because that's a really cool concept.  Anytime you bring in a direct relation to Hitler then that rises a few eyebrows and creates interest.  

Dialogue was okay except for the stuff I pointed out above with the crap like "I don't believe this!" when they see a werewolf.  Something like "holy heaven shitting down upon us!" would work better.  Still sounds off key, but you get it.  I also liked the revelation at the end where you could only transform into a werewolf if you lost your virginity, which played in perfectly with the increased development of Casey and Hannah's relationship.  Oooh that scene would be very messy if it were filmed haha.

I liked the ending alot.  It took until the last page for there to be some development between Casey and Sebastian, but it was there and it ended on a strong note.  Sad really.  Sebastian goes through all of this to protect his family, especially the son who hates him, then when everyone realizes everything, it's too late.  Casey didn't believe Sebastian's claims of a werewolf, but after killing Hannah in wolf form, Casey realizes that his father was still trying to protect him.  Father and son.  Well done.

So overall this read really fast!!  Breezed right through!  You've got spelling typos and stuff to correct, but the story moves right along with the assistance of some delicious gore you have here.  I am very pleased to have read this.  It's just  a shame it took me so long to get around to it :(  Sorry about that.  Anyway, nicely done!!

Dear Lord, 3 of my scripts got reads in the past 24 hrs, what the heck is going on ;D

Anyways thanks for the read and comments Greg I'm glad you liked it for the most part.

This script originally was 220 pages and had a lot of shit that wasn't need so then I cut it down to 170, then 140, not it's at 125, which I think is OK.

The Richard character I kinda based on Burk from aliens, you think he's a nice guy, but he's actually a prick only thinking about himself, at least that's how I tried to make him come across.  I also think Sebastian had the right to arrest his, I think knocking a weapon out of a police officers hand is a crime, and then on the beating, Sebastian was on the edge with all that had happened, he just lost it, maybe I should develop that a bit more.

I think you and only one other person has mentioned the bestiality scene, I thought I would get flak for that, but I think killing the kid at the beginning up set the most people, I dunno why.

anyways thanks for the read and comments, you gave me some good pointers.  :D

I havent read anyone posts yet, also I need to type pg - 29. That i found, errors, and problems. I'm still reading. page 66 now. Here is what I have so far, I said i would get somethin up in couple hours, i like to keep me word.

Remove all references to cut to, int/ext says this already

Also something minor, that is major. You are missing A LOT of comas throughout your script. Those need to be in place.

Strikes me odd, two old men, one with liq bottle can stumble onto a crime scene. It would be roped off.

Page 34. 'H fidgets' HE

Ext. park convo between Hannah and casey, can be cut if it doent play a part further into the script. We already know he is hurt. No need to pile It on.

39. 'whey, that hell not.' Why

Pg 39 sequence, needs to be cut down. You have extra things that takes away from sense of urgency. Needs to get quicker to action. Short these typs of scenes if not totally remove.

Pg 47. a party?Very clich, in horror movie, party always happens

Pg 48. 'hid desk' His

Pg 49. 'quite over' Quit. Also from here to page 51, then whole scene, I it doesn�t play a part later in the script, it needs to be removed. Good dialogue, but story is dragging.

Pg 52. 'how long os' IS
Pg 60 'what can I get for you frank.' Needs ?
Pg 62 'one minuet' Minute and pg 63, my god and pg 65

Pg 65. They found something? This should be hinted on earlier in the movie, cuz sounds like now, Tyler, Royce and sammy are the werewolves. But I hope im wrong. I like being surprised

Pg 79 ‘balk’ talk

Pg 80. ‘Why.’ Why?

Pg 84 ‘richard’ richard.


Whole fight in cell seems really forced and unnecessary.

Pg 90 unbelievable, needs to be cap.

93. This is like the 3rd time, some calls sheriff, to come down quick. You need to change this, its repetitive. Like He choses go out there with them. Try and limit the phone calls ( not cinematic)

94. You refer to ‘mike’s wife’s head’. You gave her a name, use it.

95. I don’t buy, they leave a crime scene like that and to go watch a foot ball game. Is this a serious horror movie or not serious horror movie?
Cuz I get serious vibe from it, but you do a lot of intended humorous one liners (at intense/action points) and silly things like that in this which throws me off. So this a film like “cursed,” “slither”

98. you’ needs to be capitalized

99. How did seb, know about the pregnancy and marriage?  Y doesn’t Sara act surprised that he knows? When she has ‘something’ to talk about.

101. How does a were wolf on ‘all fours’ take a cue and impale someone? If he was standing, why does he go to all fours? Also, I don’t see how/why a werewolf with six inche claws could close his fight to throw a cue, or why even use a stick to kil l instead of claws/teeth

105. Out of  charcter for casey to say “ absurd”

109. Another phone call. Why don’t your police have radios? That would work a lot better.

113 ‘ He raise’ raises

114. sparks everywhere’ . Missing the period

119. I know what I have to do’… cheesy…
119, re heard’ Are
125 father eyes’ needs perion. I think you should hold on seb saying ‘Im sorry’ until casey says Im sorry’. Instead of saying ‘it’s okay casey’…Seb could say “Me too” which id double meaning, sorry for killing him and also for what he did too his Mom.

I think the book thing was a cop out. Although inventive, was too easy.  What was the purpose of those teens going after specific people? Not random friends or teens? If they could change any time, how come most hunted in the woods? And at night?

Overall, I like the story. Entertaining. But you did have a lot of down moments, and useless scenes that did not push the plot forward. Example car ride with seb and Richard. Again good dialogue, but did serve for anything. You might say for to show his character(Richards) but he is not a main character for development.

Seb doesn’t really change at all to me. Casey does, which is good.  You have A LOT of grammar work to be done, and a lot of editing. Like removing written humor example
‘ There is tom, or at least half of him’ Just say ‘Tom’s torso lies on the floor’.

Professionals would like that.

Great job again. I believe this story could good at 105-110 pages. I wasn’t really surprised by who the werewolves were, you plainly said it (what I mentioned b4) up top. Cuz by the end once all 3 were dead, and story wasn’t coming to conclusion,  Casey would be the last one of the ones who found the book.

Decent ending. I really don’t see why he wouldn’t just kill himself, since he killed her girl. You wanted it to be dramatic, so father would have to. My personal opinion if he should say something, that he forgive his dad and understands why mom did what she did, cause he feel he has nothing to leave for now. Then right b4 he pumps the trigger, he drops gun and he starts to turn. Then rest is history. Hope this helps.

Hey JD, thank you very much for the read and comments :)

I know the old guy stumbling into a crime scene may seem odd, this is a small town, a kind of place where they wouldn't have roped off, even if they had it they probably wouldn't use it.  Life in a small town is very different than larger towns or cities, the law is even different, they don't follow the same procedure as large cities, it's like it's own country in a way.  When I lived in Minnesota I lived in a town of less than 1000.  It's so much different than any city or large town.

This town is the kind of place that shuts down on Friday nights cause of the high school football game.  Maybe I need to establish that a bit more.

The scene in the park with Hannah and Casey was just to introduce Hannah, I just didn't want her showing up without a reference.

the bar scene is used to set up Justin and Sarah, without it the audience would have no idea who these people are when the show up, it also established the bar which will is the local hang out.

I had a party cause that's what teenagers do, especially in a small town, there really isn't much to do so they throw parties, just a fact of life.

Yeah I know the assault in the jail cell seems to be one thing most people don't like, I have toned it down from the original, but I wanted to show Sebastian's rage at that point of the story.

I agree that I should take out some of the humor, some of it distracts from the story.

The reason they leave Mike's house is so Sebastian can get to Casey, He wants him to leave town.

These werewolves also crawl on all fours and on their hind legs, so when it impales Tom it is on its hinds.

The reason the Werewolves are mostly in the woods is cause of instinct for them, and they really don't hunt down specific people at first, then more so with Mike, Justin and Sara, I just thought it would be some part of the human being in them, a memory.

Sebastian doesn't find out about the pregnancy till after he picks them up on the road on page 121

I did have a lot more on the book that I took out, there was an extra 50 pages just on the book and it was waaaaaaay too long.

On the ending I wanted Sebastian to kill Casey, if it ended on a suicide without one last Werewolf fight I think the audience would have felt cheated, it needed to end on an attack, I was at first thinking Casey would do it, but then I thought it wasn't satisfying or have as much of a punch.

I never planned on hiding who the werewolves are, it's impossible to do without it being obvious, I have never seen a werewolf movie that kept that a secret, American Werewolf in London/Paris, the howling, underworld, The wolf man, teen wolf, it was always obvious who it was, the one movie that did try to make it a mystery was Silver bullet, which is an Awesome movie, but I knew the very second the character stepped into frame that he was the Werewolf, I don't think anyone was fooled.

Anyways Thanks again for your comments. :)

Quoted from The boy who could fly Sebastian doesn't find out about the pregnancy till after he picks them up on the road on page 121

Then you need to look at page 99 again. Seb say' " we ill talk about marriage pregnancy thing later"

Quoted from The boy who could fly On the ending I wanted Sebastian to kill Casey, if it ended on a suicide without one last Werewolf fight I think the audience would have felt cheated, it needed to end on an attack, I was at first thinking Casey would do it, but then I thought it wasn't satisfying or have as much of a punch.

Yea, well i meant have casey about to do it himself, then be he pulls the triggers, he drops the gun and starts to turn. Then they have to put him down without words. ( just my opinion)

Quoted from The boy who could fly I never planned on hiding who the werewolves are, it's impossible to do without it being obvious, I have never seen a werewolf movie that kept that a secret, American Werewolf in London/Paris, the howling, underworld, The wolf man, teen wolf, it was always obvious who it was, the one movie that did try to make it a mystery was Silver bullet, which is an Awesome movie, but I knew the very second the character stepped into frame that he was the Werewolf, I don't think anyone was fooled.

Good point(ive seen all of those). I always love werewolf movies. I really like your story on it aswell.

Theboywhoculdfly. I just read the script and to say, it was great, gory (which I love) and had some comedy through into it, well to me it had some comedy. I love the way you descrbe the scenes for example

SPOILERS:

How describved Franicis death from the snot to his body getting devoured, it was a good read and very graphic, I love the bloody, gory scenes in your script. I hope to read another gory script like this one.

Quoted from JD_OK Then you need to look at page 99 again. Seb say' " we ill talk about marriage pregnancy thing later"

I'm such a twat.  I forgot to delete that line :B  thanks for picking it up.

Thanks for the read Alien man.  Glad you liked it :)

Hi. I´ve read 40 pages of this script and I think it is pretty good. I love horror films like "Nightmare on Elmstreet" and " Friday the 13th" and your script reminds me of those films. Especially the dialogue which is cheesy at times but I think it is intentional and I enjoy it. There is one thing that bothers me though. The scene where Andrew and Katie are killed. You have already had a very bloody beginning and I dont think that another death scene in the beginning of the film is a good thing. You have to give the audience some time to recover from the brutal start  :) I will read it to the end later and share you more of my thoughts!

Thanks Finnwind.  I am actually re writing this, new version should be up soon.  I made a lot of changes, took out a lot of scenes, or swapped locations.

Anyways hope you like the rest :)

Hey Jordan, I read this a few months ago and liked it alot.  What kind of stuff did you add/subtract?  I'm quite curious!

I cut a few scenes down quite a bit.  I added a lot more to the Justin/Sara relationship.  I probably added more than I have taken away.  I still got 45 pages left to re write..  I plan on changing the ending where Casey explains why this has happened.  I'm gonna show it rather than have him explain it.  There is also a bit more with his friends.  I also changed some locations and re arranged a few scenes.  I noticed that there was a 20 page gap where Sebastian just seems to disappear from the story so I switched scenes around.  That's it for now, but there will still be a lot more changes to come, especially in the last act.

[quote=drexel  I plan on changing the ending where Casey explains why this has happened.  I'm gonna show it rather than have him explain it. [/quote]
Excellent! I really liked the rest of the script as well, in fact I couldnt stop reading the last 20 pages or so, I had to finish it at once  :) It´s good that you will change that part where Casey explains why it happened, because I did not like it so much. It felt kinda awkward. Its also good to hear that you plan to write more about Sara, because I liked that character a lot.

Thanks for the read finnwind.  Glad you liked it. I am almost done with those changes so the re write will be up shortly.

Thanks again.

Hey Jordan,

I started reading "Underneath" and then realized it isn't your latest version.  I've only reached page 10, so I'm holding off now until you get the rewrite up.

I could tell this is an early version because your writing skills have come a long way since.  

So far, I do like a few things with your first story, but likewise, it is also filled with problems.  Perhaps you've fixed the potholes and removed road debris by now.  

Abe

hi Abe, new version should be up in about 2 weeks, still got 40 pages left to go through, so I'll let you know when it's up.

thanks :)

***** SPOILER ALERT *****

All right, Jordan, I promised that I would read "Underneath" and I have. I know I promised I would read it probably a few months back now, but better late than never, eh? So here we go. Looking back through the other threads there is really nothing I can add to any of the arguments, either for or against the script. Pretty much everything has been summed up, so I won't bore you with problems in formatting, spelling errors or any of that other shit people so often bring up when ripping screenplays to shreds, so I'll just make my quick suggestions and get outta here.

Before I continue, I'm going to say up front that I liked it. I thought it was a gory, disgusting, sexually perverted and absolutely glorious horror script. I did have problems with a few things. The first thing I would love to see have a bit more of a set up is the whole virginity thing. The idea that this werewolf possesion type of deal you've written cannot emerge while someone is pure I actually like quite a bit, though I think the execution could've been handled a tad better. Looking back through the script there are a few set ups here and there (Casey discussing why he doesn't have the nightmares and speculating about it and what not) but I think the set up could be even stronger. Perhaps make it clear somewhere early on that Casey is indeed a virgin. I just assumed he wasn't until the ending where he said he wasn't, so clearing that up would've made the "twist" at the end a bit more interesting.

The character of Richard I think is completely unnecessary. I understand why you thought you would need him in the script, but honestly, you don't. He adds nothing when all is said and done, he's just a distraction by the end. He doesn't provide any information that Sebastian or the other characters couldn't find out for himself and the scenes with him I felt slowed down the overall pacing of the script. Eliminating his character would free up 10 or 20 pages of the script, which would leave room to add more to the other, more important relationships in the script. Especially the Casey/Sebastion antagonism. I think the barebones idea is there and you've done a fairly good job of creating that relationship, and also giving Sebastion some kind of redemption at the end. I would really have loved to see a huge blowout between Casey and Sebastian where they yell and scream and heatedly discuss the affair. This would also afford Sara the opportunity to discover why the mother killed herself, because Sara doesn't find out about Sebastian's affair, does she? Creating more tension between Casey and Sebastian by adding a little more padding will really give the climax that heartfelt emotional punch in the gut.

My only other gripe is with some of the dialog and the ending itself. The dialog you could trim, characters keep talking even after their point has been made. Such as the scene where Justin tells Sara he's joined the army. He says:

Quoted from Page 92 JUSTIN I felt it was my only choice, our only choice. This way I can take care of you.

You could simply have him say:

JUSTIN
I did it for us. So I can take care
of you.

Simplify the dialog, there are other examples but I trust you're intelligent enough to know what I'm talking about. Some of the dialog elsewhere is very strong, but sometimes your characters should just shut the hell up. Now with the ending, there's nothing wrong with it and I like it quite a bit, as I've said. I would like a epilogue though. I really hate it when movies end as soon as the plot resolves itself. It would've been nice to see Sara and Justin with the baby perhaps. But then again that would be walking a fine tightrope between rightly dramatic and maudlin. I was also expecting some kind of horror ending thing. Like a big thing where there was another werewolf, or a shot of the book reforming itself, or there's another book even. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you didn't do it, I just wanted you to know I was pleasantly surprised when you didn't.

Other than that I really have nothing to say. Despite its shortcomings, Underneath was a quick, gory and enjoyable read. Werewolves have never really scared me, they are just big dogs after all, but you made me enjoy a story rife with them. It was dark, bloody, generally fantastic and I think you can do much better. Really well done on this one, Jordan.


Cheers, Chismeister.

yo Chism Chism, bo-bism, banana-fana-fo-fism, fee-fi-mo-jism :P , sorry I always wanted to say that :D

Thanks for the read, glad you liked most of it.

The character of Richard is to bring a human villian into the story, like Burke in Aliens, the story could go forth without him, but he sets events in motion that add further conflict, that is what I tried to to with Richard, but maybe there is a better way to go about it than the way I dealt with it.

I wanted the ending to not be an action climax but more emotional, I wanted sebastian and Casey to understand each other, and have the events unfold in a way that this has to happen, it is not happy, but there was not other way.

I'm still gonna work on this so thank you for your comments, they will come in handy. :D
  

Quoted from The boy who could fly yo Chism Chism, bo-bism, banana-fana-fo-fism, fee-fi-mo-jism :P , sorry I always wanted to say that :D

Well, I'm glad you're having fun at the expense of my ridiculous nickname. It's high school all over again. I know where you live, Jordan. You might wanna keep that in mind before making another crack.  ;)

Anyway, good script. Do a rewrite, I'll do a reread. There, now this post is relevant to the script. So the mods can't delete it. Unless they're all drunk on their own sense of power, which indeed some of them might be. Go mods, you rock!

Cheers, Chism.

hey, i'm not into werewolf movies, and stuff, but i saw your description and it looked interesting, so i read it and i'm glad i did. i really like this script. it was well written... some parts were kind of slow paced, ut you made up for it in other parts. great and enjoyale read.
great stuff

A monster terrorizes a town in the 60's.  40 years later it returns.  Sounds like It, but with a werewolf.  Anyway.. 138 pages?  That's a long haul, but I got as far as 60 and here are some thoughts for right now.  I'll post more tomorrow.

The opening scene ain't bad.  Risks should be taken, but I do remember hearing somewhere anyone under 16 can't be shown with an on screen kill.  I forget exactly what it was but it went something like that.  However, I would prefer a claw raised in the air and coming down -- and blood spraying on snow.  Be just as effective.  I would cut out using "young Sebastian" because it's a dead give away that Francis is the one about to get sliced n diced.

I think you should change up Katie's death.  Here's a cool lil idea I think.  Maybe the harder Katie rides Andrew in the tent, the louder their groans of ecstacy become over the the growls of the wolf, and then finally right when she reaches an orgasm, a claw penetrates her lower body area, rips up and splits her in half.  Blood splattering all over Andrew.

LOL at Tyler, Royce and Sammy.  Their first piece of dialogue came outta nowhere haha.. reminds me of something I wrote awhile back (but it involved a horse).  The topic seems kinda heavy but it doesn't run on so I guess I would say keep it.  btw, right after that Hannah comes up to Casey and asks "did you hear about Beck and Andrew?"  You mean Katie and Andrew, right?

Richard discussing his encounter with the grizzly.  Some of the things he says.  Making fudge and lemonade in his pants.  He sounds like a child.  Maybe change it to 'and when I saw that darn thing, I nearly shit a brick!' or 'I started pissin' my pants so bad I was leakin' like a busted pipe!'

Thanks for the reads Caroline and Slabasta

Quoted from slabstaa 138 pages?  That's a long haul

It's a longer script, but I did cut it down from over 220 pages.

Quoted from slabstaa The opening scene ain't bad.  Risks should be taken, but I do remember hearing somewhere anyone under 16 can't be shown with an on screen kill.  I forget exactly what it was but it went something like that.

Nope, you can have on screen kills of anyone of any age, loads of films have them.

Quoted from slabstaa Hannah comes up to Casey and asks "did you hear about Beck and Andrew?"  You mean Katie and Andrew, right?

My bad, I changed the names, guess I missed that one, thanks for catching it.

Thanks again for the read and comments

Agreed!  Kill anyone, any age.  As far as I'm concerned, it shows you have the balls to say, "This ain't gonna be like everything else out there".

Stick to your guns, bud!