The Body - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, May 1st, 2006, 8:18pm

The Body by Matt Layden (TheUsualSuspect) - Short, Comedy - Two buddies have a hard time trying to dispose of a bosy they have in the trunk of their car. 9 pages - html, format 8)

Posted by: Shelton, May 1st, 2006, 10:05pm; Reply: 1

Matt,

This is another one of those shorts that seems like it should be part of a much longer story.

SPOILERS

Why not have the whole ordeal of what happened beforehand?  How they killed the guy?  How they left his body behind?

Hell, you could even go so far as to have more on the back end.  Maybe Martin keeps going on and on about a kid finding the body, getting inside of George's head and causing him to go back for the body, but there's a group of kids there now who got caught by the cops drinking beers, thus setting up a little bit of tension.

Seriously, based on what you have here, this could easily be a feature.  It may sound ridiculous based on only 9 pages, but I can really see it.

I won't harp on you for spelling since your post above shows that you recognize it, but I would work on making your descriptions a little more concise and shaping up the dialogue.

A dialogue suggestion:

                                   MARTIN
                         Go ahead, knock me out and dig
                         this big fucking hole all by
                         yourself.

                                   GEORGE
                         Yeah, and when I'm done I'll throw
                         your ass in there right along with this guy.

Posted by: Helio, May 2nd, 2006, 9:35am; Reply: 2

Hey matt, nice characthers talk, but I think it need a back story. What happened before the two go to bury the body on jungle gym?

Posted by: Steve-Dave, May 2nd, 2006, 7:35pm; Reply: 3

What's with all the spelling mistakes???? (just kidding) I really dig your dialogue dude. I liked the story alot. I agree with everyone else though, that you should make this longer or explain more. I mean, how do you forget the body? And the ending I thought it would have been alot better if you ended it with George burying Martin alive when he was stuck in the hole.

Posted by: TheUsualSuspect, May 3rd, 2006, 10:57pm; Reply: 4

Thanks for reading everyone. As well as the comments

Posted by: leanordjenkis, May 5th, 2006, 9:57pm; Reply: 5

Good dialogue, good premise. I DO NOT AGREE with everyone above that say you need to put in the backstory. I couldn't care less about it. I know there's a dead man in the trunk, I know he was killed, I know they're on the way to bury him. It's a short, not a feature. You don't need the back story for this.

The only thing is that it ramble a bit too long and became a little bland. You need a quick and kickass ending for this. YOu ended it with a whimper which made me sigh.