The Search for the Great American Jackalope by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Comedy - Tex and Jenny, two older teens on the search for the great American Jackelope, learn the value of true friendship while they create an enticing documentay on Cryptozoology in the states. 81 pages - doc, format 8)

Sweet, thanks Greg, I'll look forward to hearing from you.  Hope you enjoy it!

Hello.

I read the first 30 or so pages of your script; right up to when they stay in the Marriot after the Amish restaurant.  

I didn't read on because it's not my kind of thing, but this will definetly strike a chord with other readers.  

I noticed you use "were" where you should use "we're" but other than that, the errors are few and far between.  

Anyway, I just thought I would say good job on what I did read.  Your dialogue is funny and smart.

Thanks Rooney.  3o pages is better than nothing, and it is appreciated.

I better go through and get those weres, I've given other people trouble for stuff really similar.

Quoted from Higgonaitor I better go through and get those weres, I've given other people trouble for stuff really similar.

Oh yeah, YOU'RE gonna get owned! ;D

Look for my review tomorrow.

:oAAAHHH!
I wonder if Don could put a re-write up tonight..... :B

And........I've read it.

You've already been informed of the your/you'res, the were/we'res, the its/it's and so forth so I won't go too deep into that, but you have some words with apostrophes that aren't needed as well through out the script.

Some observations before my final thoughts.

You introduce Madame Cleo as MADAM CLEO, and her first line of dialogue has her listed as such too, but I would recommend changing this anyway since there actually is a Madame Cleo.  Although your character didn't really remind me of her, I'd switch it just to be safe.

Madame Cleo's reading:  Needs a lot more BS.  She comes across like she has no clue of what she's doing, and I think if her words are going to cause enough of a spark to get Tex to go across country, she should.

Pg. 9 - So we leave tomorrow.  Sounds too much like a question even though it's a statement.  Should simply be "Then we leave tomorrow"

Pgs. 18-19 - The menu board talks?  There has to be a better way to describe this.

Lots and Lots and Lots of product placement throughout the script.  Don't worry about brand names or what magazine they are reading.

pg. 45 - A nasty Mexican candy?  Can't be filmed.

pg. 51 - Imperturbable.  I think you meant inpenetrable.

M'lady?  Trying to get your own shirt I see. :)

pg. 58 - inner mingle should be intermingle

Pg. 61 - Went from Madden 07 to 06, but it's product placement anyway.

Pg. 70 - Patch hops on his nearby motorcycle and hops on.

Pg. 71 - No need for CAPS in Patch and Jenny's dialogue.  The exclamation points suffice.

Pg. 72 - Patch takes out a gun and shoots at the tires.  WTF?!?!  This has no place in this script.


Ok, on the whole I enjoyed this story and it was an overall fast read, but my main beef would be that I don't really know how to classify it.  The best thing I could come up with is to lose the few "shits" you have in your dialogue and market it as an ABC Family type film.  To me it has that type of comedy.

Just curious, why did you name a kid from Michigan Tex?  I didn't find out that Patch actually had a real name until the end and was questioning that one too, but Tex?  I noticed you tried to use it a bit, and just wanted to know if that was your reason.

Overall, a pretty good story.  I found the length to be a little bit odd, but I seriously can't think of any way to fill it out except to have them spend a little more time in each town, and that isn't all the necessary.

Just go back and proof, and possibly take a few of my suggestions, most notably about the product placement, and you should have a pretty good family script.

Quoted from Shelton Madame Cleo's reading:  Needs a lot more BS.  She comes across like she has no clue of what she's doing, and I think if her words are going to cause enough of a spark to get Tex to go across country, she should.

I think that was a bit of what I was goign for.  The Psychic was crap and not even near close enough to setting Tex off, the idea was pe-concieved and just waiting for an excuse to make it necessary.

About his name...I've never taken much stock in the importance of names.  Did you find it distracting?  It wasn't their for the joke though, that came after as I was typing and I realized, woah, thats actually his name...

About the tires...I'm not quite sure I understand...

About the product placement, I actually did not know that was a bad thing.  Thats dissapointing.

Thanks for the read Mike.

I just didn't find it reasonable to think that this guy is going to pull out a gun and start shooting at his brother for the sole purpose of getting him to come home.  I mean, this guy is eating dried blueberries and talking about playing Madden when he gets home.  It's just not logical.

Just the tires...?

I definetely see what your saying, and it doesnt make perfect sense to me either, but it really moves things along.  He has gotten maced, pulled over and all that junk, which helps a little...

I don't know, it just seemed out of place to me.  It would make more sense for him to shoot a bb gun or throw dried blueberries at the car given the type of story this is.

Maybe the fact there is no reference to it at all and it just kind of springs up has something to do with it.

BGut I need a way for the trunk to open and for Jenny to freak out.  I don't think dried blueberries or a bB gun would work.

I know exactly what you mean when you say out of place because it did feel out of place as I typed it and I even asked myself: "is anyone gonna buy this?" and then I just thought that they're gonna have to because I cant think of anything else.

I suppose I could go back and make him a bit more unpredictable and perhaps show that he has a gun...would that make it better?

It wouldn't be so much of a surprise if you did it that way.

If you're just looking to get the trunk open, why not have the car hit a bump or one of the mythical animals?

Yeah, i think in the re-write I'll make it more easy to accept.

By the way, what did you think of the Mythical animals?  Had you heard of any before?

Just the jackelope, but I thought they were all interesting and you explained them well.

Okay, finished.

A couple things...

- A minor formatting issue. You might want to put spaces in between sluglines and action paragraphs to Makes things look a little more organized.

- Not everyone knows what a Jackalope is so it would be better to assume that no one does and give it a description when it’s first introduced. Tex does explain later what a Jackalope is but if this were a movie, the audience would already know and it’d be pointless to reiterate.

pg. 10 – No need to say Tex is dressed. That’s naturally assumed. If he’s getting dressed or dressed in something particular then you might want to make note. Otherwise, lose the line.

- I think the times of day in your sluglines are too specific. Just leave it at night and day. I think you can write that it’s sunrise into your action lines if it really needs to be specified.

- Again, not everyone knows what a Hodag looks like. Give a description of the statue.

pg. 30 “Patch covers his face sneezing and stuff?” “Stuff” isn’t a good word at all. It’s weak, ambiguous, and to be honest, sounds like lazy writing. Use something stronger.

pg. 32 You use “BTW.” This is a screenplay, not a message board. Again, this feels like lazy writing. Stuff like this sends the message that you don’t really care about your work, which I’m sure is something you don’t want. Fix this.

- Also, on the same page, you have go out written "gout." Fix this.

pg. 58 - The parenthetical before the montage is unnecessary. If you really have your heart set on this song, I guess you can use it. No need to apologize.

- Same page. In the montage, you mention "fun scenes" and "random scenes." These are extremely vague terms. I have no idea what you're talking about. Try to give some details about which scenes exactly would be used in this montage.

- Same page again. It's "boarding house," not "bording house" so in this case, you should write "boardin' house."

- As cool as it may be, this Jackalope chase was a little weird. I mean, is it actually happening or is it all in Tex’ mind. I’d assume the latter but I think you should make it clear which.

This was an enjoyable read. The plot was original and interesting and it reads pretty fast and smoothly. I particularly enjoyed the chase scenes and any scene with the Jackalope was pretty cool as well (especially when it says "go to her," I got a kick out of that). The town scenes could be seen as redundant but I got a strong mockumentary feel from this so it's fine the way it is. You also have a lot of stuff going on in between with the characters, which is important and gave the script a "coming of age" feel as well. My only real problem with this is that, while it is a very well-conceived multi-layered story, I think there are times where you sell yourself short in terms of writing (a few of which I've mentioned above). Be more descriptive, avoid vague terms, and try not to abbreviate anything. I think you could really strengthen your script by doing so. Other than that, good job with this one.

Hey, thanks for the read James, I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I just went through and spaced the action away from the location.  I had actually though that they were supposed to be right next to eachother, so thats definetely a good thing to know.

I got rid of all the "stuff's" and vagueness, which I will admit I knew was not right, but I was hoping to get away with it. Well, I'm glad I didnt.

I went and put a description of the hodag and jackkelope in, thanks, that didnt pccur to me at all.

As for the time of day IO thought you weres supposed to be even more specific then what I was doing.  That's definetely a relief.

One thing I'm not sure about is this:

Quoted from James McClung pg. 32 You use “BTW.” This is a screenplay, not a message board. Again, this feels like lazy writing. Stuff like this sends the message that you don’t really care about your work, which I’m sure is something you don’t want. Fix this. - Also, on the same page, you have go out written "gout." Fix this.

Isn't it okay because the character is actually saying "BTW" because he wants to be "hip"?  I don't know, I feel like what I did their was right.

Anyway, thanks a lot, you were a big help.

-Tyler

PS- I should get to reading "House of God" as soon as I finish reading "All the Kings Men" for english.  Which, opefully, will be soon.

Jumping in here.  

I remember reading those lines and thinking the same thing that James was, but having the character explain what everything meant kinda made up for it.  Since he is basically spelling it out, I would write it B-T-W.  The dashes denote spelling.

Quoted from Shelton Jumping in here.   I remember reading those lines and thinking the same thing that James was, but having the character explain what everything meant kinda made up for it.  Since he is basically spelling it out, I would write it B-T-W.  The dashes denote spelling.

Ok, thanks mike.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Isn't it okay because the character is actually saying "BTW" because he wants to be "hip"?  I don't know, I feel like what I did their was right.

I see what you're getting at but it still doesn't work. No one actually says "BTW." It is a written abbreviation only. People say "FYI" because it's shorter than saying "for your information." If you actually say "BTW," you end up saying more of a mouthful than just "by the way." So yeah, I'd still change it.

Quoted from James McClung I see what you're getting at but it still doesn't work. No one actually says "BTW." It is a written abbreviation only. People say "FYI" because it's shorter than saying "for your information." If you actually say "BTW," you end up saying more of a mouthful than just "by the way." So yeah, I'd still change it.

I'm sad to say that although completely logical, it is still not true.  People say BTW all the time, especially in my age group. Its funny in the script (or so I'd like to think) because he's middle aged and doing it.  And it gives hm character.  I think I'm gonna keep it, but hyphenate it like mike suggested.

Hey Higgonaitor,

Sorry it took me a whilst, I promised Saturday, but school's been crazy so I just didn't have the time to read anything, but I got through it:

(SPOILERS)

And I really loved it! Why? Because I thought it was great. Well, it's actually not my kind of thing; but I really did think it was really funny - and random! The dream about the balloon who was her Dad and turned into an elephant (or something?) - it was really great.

The Characters of Tex, Patch, Jenny and even Mom were planned and written perfectly. They were all so snappy and fun - it really adds to the comedy of the script.  It's also very realistic (well, in a certain point of view).

The action was also great, I can't remember seeing any spelling errors (except for names), I think I did notice some *MINOR* Grammar errors - but that's hardly anything. The main thing is that the action - you can really see it as a film. Everything acts out as it is written - I didn't get confused once. In most cases, I have to refer back to lines -- but not with this script!

The formatting was great, I've gotten so used to PDF files now, it was actually weird for me to read from the white brightness of WORD. That's also another minor thing, but I think you should release it as PDF also, because the format looks brilliant and clean. You can goto http://www.pdfonline.com if you want to do that -- (just a self recommendation!)

I really did think everything was great. From action - to character profiles - and to format. It was all superb. It didn't get boring for me at all.

Also, I loved the thing about Patch eating on the motorbike - the shots of him eating the stuff that Tex and Jenny had just visted cracked me up.

It was a really great comedy, and I'm actually not really into comedies, but this was great.

Highly Recommended! *****/*****

Curse! =]

Wow, thank you so much.  I am overjoyed that you liked it as much as you did, and will of course, get to #747 asap.

thanks.

As soon as I read the title to this script I just had to know what the hell is a jackelope.

Now I know.

The script itself I found to be not all that good. After 50 pages,  scenes in a car and interviewing the locals just got repetative and I lost interest.

But one thing this script has going for it is the line up of odd animals that the hero searches for. Everytime an animal is listed, I did a quick google search and what do you know, they are real mythological animals. I had no idea that America had such a rich history of sightings of odd critters. Amazing.

The subject you have chosen for your script is fantastic. Why didn't you do more with it? Like....oh I dunno...like a Pokemon rip off where Tex and Jenny track down and collect the animals, make them fight each or create a freak show or something.

You have a great idea but it just seems under cooked.

Quoted from tonkatough The subject you have chosen for your script is fantastic. Why didn't you do more with it? Like....oh I dunno...like a Pokemon rip off where Tex and Jenny track down and collect the animals, make them fight each or create a freak show or something. You have a great idea but it just seems under cooked.

I'm glad you liked the culture and all, but it is not that type of comedy.  It keeps an air of reality that would certainly be broken if they battled the mythological creatures as pokemon.

I think you were looking for something that was more like a spoof.

SPOILERS

OMG  WTF  LOL   ROFL   E IS FOR PANTS (?)

That was the most random thing I have ever read. "I wonder what dragon fruit tastes like?". That had me laughing out loud. The plotline alone is random/funny enough, but the oneliners and jokes you use are hilarious. Sure, Path's etaing/driving thing gets old, but I couldn't stop laughing at my mental image of a guy etaing a corn  cob while driving a motorbike.

The format was wrong, at times. Also, there's alot of grammer mistakes, but I'm sure you know by now.

I had no ideas who your charcters where. Is Jenny Tex's girlfriend? Is Patch just plain retarded? What the hell caused TEx to dream baout the jackalope, exactly?

Overall, this is possibly one of the most funny scripts I've read (then gain, I don't rea d many comedies), after Pugumentry.

Ok, Tyler, it's Jackalope's turn!  I won't have the time to read this thing straight through since it's coinciding with an essay I have this week, so I'll read it in doses.  Expect a review sometime this week.

Quoted from -Ben- SPOILERS The format was wrong, at times. Also, there's alot of grammer mistakes, but I'm sure you know by now. I had no ideas who your charcters where. Is Jenny Tex's girlfriend? Is Patch just plain retarded? What the hell caused TEx to dream baout the jackalope, exactly? Overall, this is possibly one of the most funny scripts I've read (then gain, I don't rea d many comedies), after Pugumentry.

What was wrong with the format?  I need to know exactly for the redo.

Glad u liked it, no tex and Jenny were not boyfreind\girlfreind, did anyone else think this?  Nothing really cause tex to dream about the jackaolpe, dreams dont always have causes..and yes, patch is basically reatrded (I would actually lean more towards crazy)

thanks!

Greg, take your time, no rush here.

Just finished this one up.

Tyler, I'll be honest.  Your grammar stinks!  Aside from that I think this is a very original story but the execution could have been better.

Let me start by getting the negatives out of the way.  There were a couple things bugged me from a reading standpoint.  First, you give everyone in here names!  Even people who barely have any lines!  I know it's kind of a rule to respect your characters, but you have too much respect for them.  Rather than giving these people names, give them more descriptive positions, like HICK GUY or FAT GUY or OLD GUY etc. etc.  For example, Gina's role was so tiny in this there was no point to give her a name.  As a reader, when I see that you're introducing someone by name then I'm thinking "He's introducing another big character" and stuff like that.  So, I'd stick with positions.  But that's just me.

Second, the squabble between Tex and Jenny wasn't believable.  You gave them such a fun relationship for the entire story and then suddenly they explode on each other and that just didn't go down well with me.  Maybe Tex likes her?  I don't know.  In basically all other stories that would be the case, but here it wasn't, and if it was it would make that fight more understandable.  You may not wanna go down that Tex liking her road, which is perfectly fine, but you should stick more cruel quirks in there.  Maybe Tex is really poor and Jenny taunts him moreso because of it...just more build up, ya know?

And a couple random things I noticed were that you had a Kelsey in a few places.  Jenny's original name I'm guessing.  And Gene Shepard is spelled "Jean Shepherd."  Christmas Story bitch  :P

SO.  Onto the positives!  The characters were fun and at times had some very funny quirks.  That guy and using vocal internet slang, the blueberry argument, Patch's dorky language.  I see Patch as a super dork and I wish you would have added in more acne jokes haha.  I guess that stuff goes hand in hand with the dialogue, which I felt were fine.   Tex and Jenny have that buddy-buddy relationship where there's plenty of gags and none of the romantic crap.

Ok, I retract my earlier statement that maybe you should have Tex like Jenny.  Scrap that, keep the buddy-buddy thing!

The thing is that more could have been added to this script.  Teens going on a roadtrip filming a documentary about mythical North American creatures is an awesome concept, but again, so much more could have come from it.  I think you should add more to the towns rather than just an interview or two.  Maybe add some scenes where Tex and Jenny go into the woods and discover even more mythical things or something of that sort.  I think if you build on what you got here then you'll have an amazing blend of fantasy and comedy.

Other things I enjoyed: Mom screaming at Tex over the phone, Patch always eating something on the road(especially when he started peeling the banana and crashed haha), the bikers stopping for the Harley Davidson shirt, and the montages were very well done also.

So overall I think you have a fantastic story here!  Work still needs to be done, but I think if you stick with this one you can mold it into something even better.  Well done, Tyler.  Truly well done.  Questions, comments or complaints?  Don't hesitate.

Quoted from greg Tyler, I'll be honest.  Your grammar stinks!

Yeah, I need to have my sister go through this with a red pen.  She's a beast at that.

Quoted from greg For example, Gina's role was so tiny in this there was no point to give her a name.  As a reader, when I see that you're introducing someone by name then I'm thinking "He's introducing another big character" and stuff like that.  So, I'd stick with positions.  But that's just me.

Who's Gina?  Oh, okay, I see your point.

Quoted from gregoryjbaldwin Second, the squabble between Tex and Jenny wasn't believable.  You gave them such a fun relationship for the entire story and then suddenly they explode on each other and that just didn't go down well with me.  Maybe Tex likes her?  I don't know.  In basically all other stories that would be the case, but here it wasn't, and if it was it would make that fight more understandable.  You may not wanna go down that Tex liking her road, which is perfectly fine, but you should stick more cruel quirks in there.  Maybe Tex is really poor and Jenny taunts him moreso because of it...just more build up, ya know?

Yeah, I think I'll maybe have her like, insult the fact that he really believes in all the cryptozoology.

Quoted from gregoryjbaldwin And a couple random things I noticed were that you had a Kelsey in a few places.  Jenny's original name I'm guessing.  And Gene Shepard is spelled "Jean Shepherd."  Christmas Story bitch  :P

Yeah, I'll fix the kelsey thing. I'm not sure about Gene though, I think that I was actually right, still got the research.  Maybe a christmas story is wrong?

Alright, thanks greg.  glad you liked it.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0791789/

Unless you're thinking of a different guy, but there's only one Jean Shepherd :P

Yeah, it's a different guy:
"This variety of hodag, Bovinus spiritualis, was the earliest "discovered", found in the woods of Northern Wisconsin in 1893 near Rhinelander, by Eugene Simeon Shepard (or Sheppard, according to some sources) (1854-1923)."

I think the two of them should meet and battle it out, Gene using a hodag and Jean can use a bb-gun to shoot their eyes out.

Well how bout that?   It fits too cause this is a comedy so I thought "well, maybe he misspelled the name," but I stand corrected.  Anyway, nice work!

The BB gun would kill that Hodag :)

Okay, I finally got to this... a week later.

-First things first, your character introductions should have something other than age. I prefer not to give away personality traits, but definitely note physical attributes. I need a few hints to paint a picture in my mind.

TEX, 18, a , exits the theater...

-Contrary to other notes, I think if your character feels the need to utter internet memes out loud, it works. It's plausible, I've been around people that say W-T-F and all that. Dialogue is much more flexible in that sense. But definitely denote spelling with dashes.

-Some spelling and grammar errors. You know the deal, run a spell check, then pick over the lines for apostrophes and such.

-Take the psychic reading scene further. I have no idea how Tex pulls anything from what Cleo says.

-You slugline the historical building twice in a row. Instead of denoting "afternoon" on the second line, just put "later" or write "Later on.../Meanwhile..." in the action line.

INT. HISTORICAL BUILDING--AFTERNOON

then

INT. HISTORICAL BUILDING--LATER

-"Sir, tell us about your great grandfather's experience with the Squonk." -- This line is broken up by a (cont'd) and I don't know why.

-While I'm all for naming your characters where you can, some of them can be shortened. Hell, in Gina's case, you could just refer to her as a clerk and not even introduce her as a character, because she has no lines.

-For some reason, there is a line or two referring to Jenny as Kelsey.

-The ending... I thought all the equipment fell out of the car when Patch blew the trunk open?

Other than that, it was pretty off-the-wall so I couldn't pick at much with the story. Rough around the edges, but good work.

Quoted from eljefedetonto -First things first, your character introductions should have something other than age. I prefer not to give away personality traits, but definitely note physical attributes. I need a few hints to paint a picture in my mind.

Really?  I thought we were to leave it slightly blank unless it was really important to the plot.  Kind of like not posting songs or camera angles, it's for the director to think of.

Everything else sounds good, and I'm fixing it.  Thanks!  My e-mail, I think, you can access by clicking the email button on my posts.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Really?  I thought we were to leave it slightly blank unless it was really important to the plot.  Kind of like not posting songs or camera angles, it's for the director to think of. Everything else sounds good, and I'm fixing it.  Thanks!  My e-mail, I think, you can access by clicking the email button on my posts.

Obviously those things are subject to change. But I feel since it's something the audience can see, it's worth noting. Nothing over the top, but just two or three general things of note. Otherwise I have no idea what I'm looking at. If the character is a brute, maybe he's tall and buff. If the character is nerdy, maybe he's got glasses, wearing a shirt with internet memes on it.

edit: I sent my script to you via email, along with a CL ad I thought you could help me with.

Yeah, okay, I see.  Thanks.

As for your script, I'm having trouble loading it.  Perhaps you could copy and paste send it to me and I could read it tat way.  The format would be off, but I'd review everything else.  Or if you had it on some remote site or something, I dunno.  Try the copy and paste thing.

As for the CL Ad, I'm not sure what you want me to do.  It said it was in St. Louis, so I dont think there's much I could do.  I'm a bit north of Chicago.  Thats quite the distance, sorry.

Yikes. Yeah, nevermind, that's way too far. No problem.

I'll resend the script in html format... should definitely work then.

Hey, gave this a read and here's what I got.

SPOILERISTICLES............................................................................................

You should describe the monsters at the beginning.

bottom pg. 4 - the small flashback I'd lose, just stay in the conversation.

You should have a lot more description. There's a lot of just straight dialogue, particlarly the opening scene with Jenny and Tex and Jenny's discussion with Ace in the saloon, that just goes on for pages. I don't really care, but it's frowned upon when other's will read.

You definitely have an issue with apostrophes. Many weres that should be we'res, yours that should be you'res, its that should be it's, and a cuz' which should be 'cuz.

I think the amish restaraunt waitress should tell Patch that she spit in their pot pies when he questions her.

I think you should cut after Tex says "he's definitely not stupid" to Patch asking for a tire popping gun.

pg 52 - When Patch says "you've won this round little bro" he should go into another rant about video games.

pg 63 - montage of Jenny and Ace doing "boring Arizone things" doesn't much cut it. Be more specific here.

I thought it was cool how the final chase scene mirrored Tex's dream. And Patch always eating something when he's driving was splendidly ridiculous.

"Can I watch the Cubs now" - HA, YES! Go Bears.

I think you should fill in the intro a little more. I think you jumped into the Jackalope odyssey a little too quickly. Maybe add a scene with Patch in real life having rule over Tex, and/or give us a better intro to Tex's parents. Maybe the dad watching a Cub's game. Just something more with Tex and his relationship with his family.

All in all though, very funny stuff and moved very quickly. Good job.

Hey thanks for the read, it's been a whle since I got one for this.

This one definetely needs a lot of work, and your review definetely helps.  Although I'm not working on a re-write now, I'll probably get one up over the summer, so thanks a whole lot.

I notice you have a comedy in the works.  Let me know when it comes up and I'd be appy to give it a read for you.

-Tyler