Oh, What a Night! by Michel J. Duthin - Short, Comedy - It's a hard life when man has to fight his worst nightmare: a mosquito! 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was a pretty good script Michael, probably because I reminded me so much of a similar situation I had with a mosquito once. Anyway you seem to have alot of typos and grammer erros, the few I found are as follows.

!SPLOIERS!






Through the window, a magnificent black sky full of millions of stars. (missing word on page 1)

One of the bed foot is missing (missing word on page 2)

Quicker than lightning, James’ hand hits the wall, and
crush the insect. (crush should be crushes on page 2)

James reenters cautiously the bedroom (rethink the order of words, page 4)

The door slowly opens and squeaks. James enters another
bedroom, all on fours, (order of words, page 5)

The nearby humming looks like having the hiccups like it
was splitting its sides with laughing. (rephrase, page 5)

James waves angrily the shoehorn in the air, (rethink the order of words, page 5)

Every naked bulb light. The room is now illuminated with a white blinded light. (rephrase, page 6)

He hampers himself in the curtains and looks like fighting looking for
the way out. (rephrase, page 6)

As a pirate ready to board, ('As', should be 'Like')

I also think you have too many camera angles and transiitions. Maybe some of these could be taken out.

On the whole though, I thought it was good.

I agree with Yohn - an overall good script which, undoubtedly we can ALL relate to!

SPOILER:







Just one small thing that I would add to Yhen's spoilers is on the first page:

          ...a couple is frantically making love...        

[to then go on to say, 5 spaces down:]

          ...JAMES is in his 40’s... He looks SERENE, PEACEFUL, QUIET...

[whilst frantically making love?]

I can't believe it!! Just 2 persons have been at war witn mosquito?

Come on, you can do better!!

Michel8)

I gave this short a read after reading the short synopsis of it. The title just didn't do it for me. It's the first thing I see and if it stands out I'll give it a look but sadly "Oh, What a Night!" didn't stand out. Still, I gave it a look after seeing the author was you, Michel. You've read a few of my scripts as I have yours so...

Without needing to add anything to Yohn's typo's and grammar errors, I'll go straight to the story. I thought it was very, very well written. Your writing for me, Michel, couldn't be any better. The way you describe actions and your general descriptions of characters are brilliant and it shines brightly in this.

A nice little short here. Always a pleasure to read your work so keep it up! :)

I thought it was very funny and entertaining. It's something we can all relate to. Those damn mosquitoes. We're in for a bad season this summer. Sorry, off topic, I liked how the love scene was just a dream. But I don't really like the title. Oh What a Night! reminds me of the song, which makes me think of young people at a bar drinking and dancing and having a good time.

Alanah~

Thank you all for your reviews. That's really motivating.

about the title, the first one was "Mosquito fight" but I found it said it all about the story. I turned it to "Oh! what a night" refering to the song "Ladies Night". The hero wanted a fantasy night that turned out to be a nightmare. A second degree title.

Michel 8)

Michel,

I know English is not your first language, nor is it mine (Swedish). I wanted to help you out with the spelling and some wordings at least, (grammar I'm no good at), but there were too many errors so I'm sorry, but I decided to leave that alone.

The story itself was pretty good and yes, I have had those pesky mosquito nights. They always seem to want to buzz near my ears and drive me nuts.

I thought your writing was nice, but due to some of the language in the beginning it took me a little while to figure out exactly what was going on.

Typical about finally falling asleep and then the alarm goes off.

Nice job, I'll try to read some more of yours.
:)

A big problem I had with this script is that it didn't build to anything.  James chases a mosquito and that's it.  I was waiting for a payoff that didn't come.  The bookshelf falling on him was not enough and neither was the alarm clock going off.  You have to reward the readers for finishing the script.


Phil

Hey mon ami!

I like this 8 pages no dialogue piece. I think it is well developed action short script, that is very good for the editors to show their skills on edidting.

About to have any payback, maybe just if one of the books falls on the mosquitoe head and wich title was HOW TO KILL MOSQUITOES IN 100 LESSONS!

About the title I'm not sure about...maybe "Infernal hum"..I don't know.

A question: there were two mother f****rs mosquitoes in Jame's bedroom?

Hello mi amigo!

Thanks for the tips.

Quoted from Helio maybe just if one of the books falls on the mosquitoe head and wich title was HOW TO KILL MOSQUITOES IN 100 LESSONS!

I didn't think about it. That's what amigos are made for.

Quoted from Helio A question: there were two mother f****rs mosquitoes in Jame's bedroom?

In fact it was always the same. The one he crushed and came back as a mosquito's ghost (LOL) to stay in tune with the general feeling  ;D

Thanks you for caring.

Michel 8)