A Certain Sunday Morning by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - When everything goes well, something unexpected could happen to change this state of thing very drastically. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Helio, just had a nice read of your script. There are some slight language problems I think but they are somewhat minor.

           BOY (V.O)
I didn’t know too much about how
they met each other either how
they felled in love, but I bet
they gotten passionate and
extremely jealous...

The three words in bold should be changed, I think, to neither fell and got.

There are similar cases in different parts of the script. I think all of which are inside the dialogue. Your descriptions are top notch.

SPOILERS!!!!

The story itself is good. It's very emotional I feel and the ending is quite sad. The only part I was unsure about was how George came just in the nick of time to shoot the man in the uniform. It's not that clear to me why the mental patient who escaped killed Cindy but I think I know. Was the baby actually the mental guys or...? I'm not too sure to be honest. However, I did like the story Helio.

Overall, good story, emotional, descriptions are clear and very well done... the odd few language mistakes and the George appearing at the nick of time thing were the only low points. Nice script, enjoyed reading it. :)

GBM

GBM, thanks a lot, pal!

About the problems with the dialogues will fix it. Thanks for your reading, anyway.

Helio

My favorite Brazilian writer. Hey, buddy how is it going?

I read you script today... and... well... to be honest it seemed very choppy. Didn't seem to flow. And I agree with GBM there are some unexplained points. The story premise is solid, the story just needs a little ironing out.

Lets chat soon.

Spencer

Hey Helio,
Just got done reading your short.


SPOILERS




I must say the reading of the letter threw me for a loop. I thought the letter she was reading was from her boyfriend, and maybe she had cheated on him since she was pregnant.

I liked the way you portrayed the older women at the store, how they shunned Cindy.

A couple sugestions for you to consider...

Earlier in the story you might want to show Cindy leaving the mental hospital, maybe getting into a taxi and just looking back at the building as a sort of misslead.   ??? Make people think she was just released, but she's really only been visiting her husband. ???  

As for the ending where her boyfriend is there right on time... Well, why not make him already there? Show the two of them being happy with his return. Maybe he's in another room either emptying his suitcase or eating at the kitchen table when Cindy's husband shows up???

I liked the twisted ending, Helio.

Cindy

Nice one Helio.

Good story with a quite cruel ending. Cindy's remarks look rather pertinent to me, as GravyBoatMan's about George's appearence. I liked it. Well done (again)

Quoted from Parker It's not that clear to me why the mental patient who escaped killed Cindy but I think I know. Was the baby actually the mental guys or...?

Do not worry about it Helio. We do understand that the baby is George's.

Michel  8)

Hey, Spencer, Cindy and Michel I appreciated you comments. Thanks a lot.

Cindy I tried to mislead about Cindy's husband in order to confound George with him. Anyway your points were usefull.

You're right Michel the the baby's George. Not the Willson, but the Cooper. hehe!

Hi there my Ronaldhinian friend  ;D

You always manage to throw some crazy endings to your stories Helio; it's very hard to predict where this one is going.

*SPOILERS*

I think you did well in starting the story in 1952 when the bad thing that happened, had already happened. Seeing George crying is the right hook to start this.

My only problem with this short, is that you've got many related events told in few pages. Things happen too quick. For example: The Mental Hospital thingy is a very relevant aspect of the plot, yet we learn about it in the last page, and by looking at a newspaper headline.

With some fleshing out (specially the Mental Hospital aspect), I think this story could work a little bit better.

Good luck  8)

Helio,

This was a nice little emotional story and you managed to accomplish that in less than 10 pages too.

George and Cyndi... where did you come up with those names?
Started out really nice with those two and George finding out about the baby.

Maybe I'm stupid, but where did George go?

          GEORGE
Don't worry I will be back soon!
          CINDY
Don't take long, George!

It sounds almost like he's just going off to the store or something, but he ends up being gone for a year or so.

I like how those old women at the store were whispering. It's so typical. Good job.

When the guy in the army uniform shows up at the door, you wrote that Cyndi was smiling. Would she really be smiling when she just read in the paper that patients from that mental hospital had escaped and he should be there, but now he shows up at her door. Just seems to me she would be horrified to see him out and at her doorstep. I could be wrong.

I didn't have a problem with George showing up when he did, but I found it a little convenient that he too just happened to carry a loaded gun. Not a lot of people carry loaded guns.

Anyways Helio, nice little story. I enjoyed it. You should write more of these love story type scripts.
8) ;)

This was a sad story with a happy ending you don't see much of these around anymore.

I like how George saved the child.

In the ending was he Raising the child or just visiting him?

Need to know,
Dan

Quoted from Daniel_Robinson This was a sad story with a happy ending you don't see much of these around anymore.

Hi Dan,
I just have a question. What's happy about the ending?

Quoted from Daniel_Robinson In the ending was he Raising the child or just visiting him? Need to know, Dan

I think the boy is his son.

Are you sure you read it slow enough to think about the story?

:)

the ending was happy because the child's alive.

dan

Helio,

I enjoyed this.  I think you did a nice job of setting everything up and then pullign the rug out from under us.  I'll admit I was fooled and thought the man in uniform was delivering a letter about George being dead.  Definitely nice work.

A couple beefs.

The 7 year old boy's dialogue read a bit too old for me, like that of a young man instead of a child.

Also, the 1 and a half year preganancy.  Spencer commented on it in Phil's script thread, but I think he was mixed up since it belongs here.

Other than that, another nice piece by you.  Good work!

Mike,
I thought it was a year and a half pregnancy, too, until I got  to the end. The letter she was reading was from her husband in the institution who thought he was still at war, and still sending her mail.

A-ha!  Now it makes sense.

Pay no mind to the man behind the curtain.

"When the guy in the army uniform shows up at the door, you wrote that Cyndi was smiling. "

Pia, I tried to show that Cindy smiles happy because she thought who was behind the door was George also she knowing that your ex husband whould be with the nuts...Maybe it doesn't work as I wanted...

"The letter she was reading was from her husband in the institution who thought he was still at war, and still sending her mail."

Tha's right Cindy, it was Cindy's husband letter, not George's.

"The 7 year old boy's dialogue read a bit too old for me, like that of a young man instead of a child."

Yes, Mike, thinking better, just a 7 years old genius speak like that...13 or 15
would do that.


"the ending was happy because the child's alive."

Yeah, Dan, I agree with you in that sad context the eding was so happy!

Never read anything by the charismatic enigma known as Helio. You’re a legend on these boards and I don’t think we’ve ever said more than two words to each other. How is that?

Anyway, I have one opening comment to get out of the way. What's with using the names George and Cindy? Two members of this site (Was that a happy accident or deliberate?)

The dialogue between George and Cindy in the flashback was good but feels a little too immature for a 25 year old. A fine line I guess between what you want and what we think it should be.

You need to clarify a few things in a rewrite if you ever do one.

First the ex husband and George almost blend into one character (I honestly thought he was the killer until well… spoiler, you know)

For a nine page short, it works very well but… It leaves you longing for more explanation. I do not think it is a good thing if you have more questions than answers at the end.

I enjoyed the short.

Wesley, Wesley, my dear, thanks a lot for your reading. Seriously it is a fucking pleasure. Righ now is very later where I'm, so tomorrow I'll try to answer some of these questions.

"I do not think it is a good thing if you have more questions than answers at the end."

Maybe you are right about it, but think: When it happens or who wrote is wrong or who read is! Hehe! Kiding!

Quoted from Helio "When the guy in the army uniform shows up at the door, you wrote that Cyndi was smiling. " Pia, I tried to show that Cindy smiles happy because she thought who was behind the door was George also she knowing that your ex husband whould be with the nuts...Maybe it doesn't work as I wanted...

I know what you meant Helio, because I'm familiar with your scripts. I only mentioned it because to someone who isn't, it reads as if she opens the door, sees him and smiles and then gets upset.

Pia  ;)

Hi Wesley! I am here! I was very happy with your comments.

"Anyway, I have one opening comment to get out of the way. What's with using the names George and Cindy? Two members of this site (Was that a happy accident or deliberate?)"

Well, I like so much these names and coincidently they came to me  when I was writing.

"The dialogue between George and Cindy in the flashback was good but feels a little too immature for a 25 year old. A fine line I guess between what you want and what we think it should be."

Well sometimes I think when we are passionatly for someone we used to be fool, talk like idiot, and act like a retard (sorry using this word!), so I think no more right put in George's and Cindy's mouth teen words. I know any content of a story has a little of the writer himself, so maybe the dialogues seem to be mine to someone. Do you understand?

"First the ex husband and George almost blend into one character (I honestly thought he was the killer until well… spoiler, you know)

Yeah, I think the purpose of any writer or storyteller is not to confound the listener or the reader, but pull them to another way, like to show a bad guy as a good guy, but you will discover that just near the end and so on. Of course that maybe I didn't it well, I need to think more about to be sure myself, you know? I like to do it all time, some I do well some do not.

Oh, by the way thanks so much for your kind words and praises, but I have to say that lengend is ZORRO, Captain James Cook, The Black Beard not this simple writer fella!

cheers

Helio

SPOILERS AHOY!

I, too, was a little confused with the eighteen month pregnancy.  Only after reading this thread did it all make sense.  I think that should be cleared up a little.

You should expand the scene when her husband shows up and go over his story there, rather than the final scene with the voice over (that's kinda cheating there).  The scene where he shows up can be very suspenseful if it's expanded.  You rushed it.


Phil

Hey, Mr Clarke! Thanks for your reading.

Yeah maybe you are right about to expand more that scene...Let me see do you say after he is shooting by George or as he talk with Cindy, with flashes with him arriving from the front and showing his mental crisis and finaly she leting him in the mental hospital etc?

PS I saved your short script Not Even Death and this weekend I'll read it, even if that genre is not my favory one, but its writer is one the most respectable in this SS so I have to read it!

Quoted from Helio Yeah maybe you are right about to expand more that scene...Let me see do you say after he is shooting by George or as he talk with Cindy, with flashes with him arriving from the front and showing his mental crisis and finaly she leting him in the mental hospital etc?

I'm not sure what you're saying here, Helio.  I was suggesting that you should have Cindy's husband talk to her (you should give him a name, too).  Have him explain that he's just back from the war and is looking forward to resuming his life with her.  And then show her reaction to all this.

Quoted from Helio PS I saved your short script Not Even Death and this weekend I'll read it, even if that genre is not my favory one, but its writer is one the most respectable in this SS so I have to read it!

I appreciate the kind words, Helio.  Like you, I don't like the whole zombie genre.  This story is a little different.  I hope you enjoy it.


Phil

"I'm not sure what you're saying here, Helio.  I was suggesting that you should have Cindy's husband talk to her (you should give him a name, too).  Have him explain that he's just back from the war and is looking forward to resuming his life with her.  And then show her reaction to all this."

Well, Phil I will think about that possibility, but I'm not sure it will work, I'm afraid it would be boring and didn't catch the reader attention anymore...I will think about it carefully. Thanks a lot, man!

Hey Helio,

I can always count on you for something strange, that’s for sure. I enjoy your creativity.

Sometimes I think you try too hard to create twists. Sometimes, it seems like you think up a twist and just go with it. That’s fine but sometimes I feel like your characters suffer because of it. It’s like you’re so preoccupied with “the twist” that you don’t let your characters really come to life on their own.

The best scene in the whole script in my opinion is the scene where Cindy goes to the store and the lady outside refuses to speak to her and the people inside whisper and gossip about her. This is very true to life and genuine and reminded me of the scene in “I Walk the Line” where June Carter runs into a fan of her parents who makes the snippy remark about being surprised her good Christian parents still speak to her. Women really are often expected to meet impossible expectations and ostracized for things that men are not. Good scene.

PLOT HOLE:

I don’t know where the idea of an eighteen month pregnancy came from. I didn’t see that at all. I see a pregnancy that’s way too short.

When Cindy tells George she’s pregnant, the year is supered as 1945. Then, later, in a scene where Cindy is preparing a bottle to feed the already born baby, a calendar hanging on the wall says: SUNDAY OF MAY 13th 1945.

It would, of course, be impossible. The longest the pregnancy could have been would be four and a half months.

Overall, I always enjoy your imagination and I always feel in competent hands for going on a psychedelic ride but I would like to see you write something with as much intricacy given to the characters personalities as with the end twist.

There are a lot of people out there who think a twist in a story is this albeit mind blowing thing that comes at the end of a story. In reality, every story has twists and turns all throughout, just some more subtle than others. The twists and beats that occur throughout the story are as important as the one at the end. I don’t know, sometimes it seems like you put much more into the end twist than any of the middle ones.

I do love your work though. It’s always fascinating and interesting.

Brea

P.S. I recently watched the film “O Lucky Man.” It’s a British film from director Lindsay Anderson and stars Malcolm McDowell. It’s a fantastic and surreal film about a coffee salesman who runs into one insane situation after another. It seems odd and very “stream-of-consciousness” and seems to make little sense on the surface but in reality is a brilliant allegory on capitalism and being in the right place at the right (or wrong) time. I can see you writing such a film, Helio style. Have you ever considered using your wild imagination symbolically to make a social statement? Because I think you could really achieve brilliance in this regard.

WOW! I don't find words to show my gratitude in hearing these very kind words, really. I'll print this review to show my daugthers, my friends and THE WORLD! It showed to me that I have to continue learning more, be more humble and simple.

Thanks a lot Breanne Holifield and a kiss in your heart!

Thought I'd check this out while I have the time. My time's been rather restricted lately so I've been unable to contribute to the site as much as I'd prefer. Anyway, I figured another Helio J Cordeiro script would be the way to go. Most of the time, I really enjoy your work.

Anyway, I thought this was a solid read. I was surprised that this was actually a pretty straightforward dramatic piece, which most of your scripts aren't. I thought it was an interesting and refreshing change. The script moves along very well. It raised a lot of questions in my head, which I was afraid you wouldn't answer but, for the most part, you did. I would, however, like to know who the man in the army uniform is. That seems to be the only loose end here. I liked how you tied things up at the end with the narrator being George's son. It reminded me somewhat of Life Is Beautiful, which I thought was very good.

Nothing much to pick at here. I enjoyed it a lot. Another good script, Helio. Nice job.

Hey James, I wouldn't be in silence, so I have to say: thanks a lot for your reading!

Hey fellas, I'm very happy to say you all that A Certain Sunday Morning was optioned to a guy from New York named Richard Griffiths.

Hey Don, thanks, man!

OH GOD, I forgot to say thank to George Willson that help me a lot with this script. Thanks George!