Barbie on the Barbie by Mike Shelton - Short, Drama - Hearts are broken and worlds collide when little Tabitha's Barbie doll is viciously roasted on her father's new barbecue grill.     A July, 2006 One Week Writing Challenge Entry - pdf, format 8)

Haha.  The two that I've read have been obscure examples of drama, but I'll take it.  This one was pretty gnarley.

*The problem I had here was the cursing.  I realize the dads are mad, but would they really drop the F bomb with both of the kids in the vicinity?  I don't know.
*Tabitha's revenge was sweet haha.  Ok, this was one of those non-serious comedy-drama thingies, so I take back the cursing since Tabitha calls Jason a bitch.
* Gus' attack on Hank's wife was hilarious too.

Overall a great effort.  Solid story, good dialogue...all around good fun.  Nice job!

I think this one is would be in the comedy section along with simply barbaque.

There were some big laughs here, espsecially when Gus and hank get into it.

I loved the bobbing for adam's apples line, that one cracked me up:D

The dialog was very funny here.  Welld done:)

So like simply barbaque this fit the theme just not the genre really, cause to me this was a laugh out loud script:)

OK, another funny one! Haha.

This one managed to have some element of drama to it though, so good job on that.

I liked how this spiraled out of control and ultimately another person entirely got blamed while Gus and Hank stuck together. That actually seems very real to me.

The writing and formatting seem very good to me.
My only beef with it would be the lines of dialogue. They are very good, don’t take me wrong, but sometimes they are 11 words long. I’ve been told to keep it around six, but no more than nine for sure.

That detail and the fact that this is funny, makes me think a swinging Dean Martin type wrote this. I could be wrong of course, but it’s just a gut feeling I have.

Good job!
Enjoyable read for sure.
8)

Haha, like everyone else said, this was more of a comedy than drama, but, well, at least there was some drama in it. I think.

Well I thought it was fun and I liked it when Tabitha started playing with Jason instead of her now charred barbie. But like what Greg said, I don't think they would have used the F word in front of a 6 year old, but I guess if you made it to where she couldn't hear him or she was too busy concentrating on her dead barbie, I guess that's okay.

Anyways, this was really enjoyable and I loved it.

Sean

I really enjoyed this one Mike.  ;D Mike???

Total kaos, and loads of fun.

Good job,

Cindy

Very good job here. Moments of tension and comedy in the right place of the action, mainling the dialogues between Gus and Hank with a clever ping-pong.

Well written short! I bet it was written by...doesn't matter we will know who's soon.

There's no way to view this as drama.  The actors would really need to ham it up good for this to work on screen.  It was still enjoyable though.  Some funny lines and a good payoff.  I just wasn't feeling the drama and for the purposes of this exercise I have to call you on it.

I just have one question - where was Ken in all this?

Yeah, this wasn't much of a drama. Unlike Simply BBQ, however, this seems like something that could actually happen and while much of what happens is comical and somewhat outlandish, nothing seemed particularly out of left field. Unfortunately, I knew what was coming before even reading the thing due to the title. Not exactly subtle if you ask me. Nevertheless, I like the setup and the dialogue is excellent. Everything built up to a satisfying climax (to me anyways). I was glad to see Jason get his for both Tabitha and Gus' sake.

Good job with this one. This marks the first entry I've read where I have an idea of who the writer is. I think I'll keep my mouth shut for now (or until someone makes another "Guess Who" thread).

lol great short!

* SPOILERS *

* I loved the whole thing with Henderson.  Seems as if that guy has been busy.

* Like others have said, even though it's more comedy than anything the cursing around the children was extreme.

* Glad you showed Jason get his at the end.

Good, funny story!  ;)  

  

The ending was my favourite part of the whole thing. The rest was pretty good, funny in a few parts so I guess I enjoyed this one quite a bit. The conversations between Gus and Hank were only comedy to me so I can't say this one is drama at all. I'm just so glad Jason got what he deserved and the line that followed was hilarious.

The script as a whole was enjoyable and entertaining so good job.

GBM

Nice combination of drama to begin with traveling right into the outlandish comedy sectre leaving me with a good laugh at the end. I was scared for awhile, seeing how the other scripts have dipped into the horror genre, but it all played off very well and fairly realistically to the point where the guys forget about each other and go after Henderson and then Tabitha gets Jason where it counts.

Well done. Comedy should begin life as a drama.

Its almost like dominos. JAson does one thing. Girl gets mad. Gets dad mad. Dad loses anger and gets other dad mad. But everything works out in the end. Dad's team up. Girl kicks boy in balls all over. Funny screenplay. Nice drama to good ending.

Well, this was different. Good dialogue and a quick read. It's very funny. I kind of wished Henderson would've showed up at the end just to see what the two dads would have done to him. The line where Gus calls Hank's wife "Glen" was probably my favorite part. The ending worked as well. The little prick got what he deserved. You don't put a Barbie on the Barbie! Good job!

It is definitly more the comedy then drama. Children's behiver were more natural (and nicely described) then their parents. The parents acted like children. I can see easily stupid gays like them cursing with children around.
You must be very good in comedies, no dubt.

Burn barbie burn! Haha! You maniac! Gotta love evil kids.

Much more of a comedy than a drama but I enjoyed this one big time. I remember pegging one of the other shorts I read to Mike, but this one feels a lot more like him. Sharp witty dialogue with a good amount of cursing.

The girl's revenge was quite funny but her last line sounds more like a grown up pervert speaking than a 6 year old. Maybe if you cut the "bitch" part, it could sound more real, and funnier.

Thanks for the laugh.

Wicked.

This is a diddy of a nasty comedy.
I loved the way each character attacked -- literally or verbally -- another character.
And little Tabby cracking Jason in the balls was too precious.

All of the intended comedic banter hit their respective cues.
But what cracked me up are the visuals.

You have Gus and Hank sitting around talking shop.  I don't know what they were looking at, but it wasn't at the grill.  Neither man takes notice of the burning doll until it's too late. Haha. Geez...

This piece was like a jalepeno on a dry burger. It definitely woke me up. Nicely done.

Thanks to all who read this.

For those who viewed this as not containing any drama at all, may I ask, why?

Girl loses her barbie doll (Girls are usually attached to things like this, and losing one is grounds for anxiety.)

Gus' grill is ruined (If my brand new $800 grill were ruined, I wouldn't find it funny at all)

Hank and Gus argue (A real bona fide argument = drama)

They both find out that their other neighbor is a clepto, going so far as to "borrow" Gus' wife.  Infidelity isn't funny people!

Yes, the dialogue was funny, I'll agree, but look at the undertones.  There's drama there.  I'd be willing to bet that had the Valentine's Day contest allowed dialogue, I would have had the same problem, but it didn't, and for that it will make you cry.

Cry!

Mike,

Your easy going relaxed sense of humor gave this one away.

I for one did see the drama in it.

I really enjoyed it!

Pia

The logline might be a bit much for this one.  Worlds collide?  What the heck are you talking about, Mike?

Whatever.  This is charming and silly, much like its author.  What I particularly liked is that young, sweet Tabitha ends up just as foul-mouthed as her old man.

No real complaints with this one.  Funny stuff, and nothing that really needs fixing.  Except for your page numbers -- but maybe you were just being lazy.  Let me know if you don’t know why they are wrong.

Thanks for checking it out Bert.

Hahaha...world's collide is defintely overkill, but it's DRAMATIC....sort of.

Looks like the page numbers are in the wrong font.  I probably transferred to Word and inserted them without switching the font.  whoops.

This script was a cheerful one, even though it was a little exaggerating it was still good. I like how it ended. Henderson! Haha. Hey, you are a pretty good writer Mr. Shelton.

Oh, and sorry I'm not to great at reviews.

Thank you for giving me a laugh or two. Right now I'm stressed and tired from school work. See ya.

i quite liked it. more cursing might have been apropriate for this kind of argument. but otherwise it is smart and funny. good job.

Oh yeah you got me hooked on this short with the title. I am keen for a little doll on doll lickey lickey action . . . Oh wait, you mean a barbecue?

Ha ha ha ha Mike, this was a laugh out loud riot. It was a top idea (burning a barbie doll) and that in itself would be funny but oh no you didn't stop there, still you ramped it up even more by throwing in a bloke who loves his grill and flies into a rage when the melted plastic ruins his grill.  

this is comedy gold and I loved it.