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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Barbie on the Barbie Moderators: bert
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  Author    Barbie on the Barbie  (currently 3729 views)
Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Barbie on the Barbie by Mike Shelton - Short, Drama - Hearts are broken and worlds collide when little Tabitha's Barbie doll is viciously roasted on her father's new barbecue grill.     A July, 2006 One Week Writing Challenge Entry - pdf, format


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Don  -  August 23rd, 2006, 9:58am
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greg
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Haha.  The two that I've read have been obscure examples of drama, but I'll take it.  This one was pretty gnarley.

*The problem I had here was the cursing.  I realize the dads are mad, but would they really drop the F bomb with both of the kids in the vicinity?  I don't know.
*Tabitha's revenge was sweet haha.  Ok, this was one of those non-serious comedy-drama thingies, so I take back the cursing since Tabitha calls Jason a bitch.
* Gus' attack on Hank's wife was hilarious too.

Overall a great effort.  Solid story, good dialogue...all around good fun.  Nice job!


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The boy who could fly
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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I think this one is would be in the comedy section along with simply barbaque.

There were some big laughs here, espsecially when Gus and hank get into it.

I loved the bobbing for adam's apples line, that one cracked me up

The dialog was very funny here.  Welld done

So like simply barbaque this fit the theme just not the genre really, cause to me this was a laugh out loud script


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tomson
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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OK, another funny one! Haha.

This one managed to have some element of drama to it though, so good job on that.

I liked how this spiraled out of control and ultimately another person entirely got blamed while Gus and Hank stuck together. That actually seems very real to me.

The writing and formatting seem very good to me.
My only beef with it would be the lines of dialogue. They are very good, donít take me wrong, but sometimes they are 11 words long. Iíve been told to keep it around six, but no more than nine for sure.

That detail and the fact that this is funny, makes me think a swinging Dean Martin type wrote this. I could be wrong of course, but itís just a gut feeling I have.

Good job!
Enjoyable read for sure.



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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Haha, like everyone else said, this was more of a comedy than drama, but, well, at least there was some drama in it. I think.

Well I thought it was fun and I liked it when Tabitha started playing with Jason instead of her now charred barbie. But like what Greg said, I don't think they would have used the F word in front of a 6 year old, but I guess if you made it to where she couldn't hear him or she was too busy concentrating on her dead barbie, I guess that's okay.

Anyways, this was really enjoyable and I loved it.

Sean


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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one Mike.   Mike???

Total kaos, and loads of fun.

Good job,

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Helio
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Very good job here. Moments of tension and comedy in the right place of the action, mainling the dialogues between Gus and Hank with a clever ping-pong.

Well written short! I bet it was written by...doesn't matter we will know who's soon.
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mgj
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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There's no way to view this as drama.  The actors would really need to ham it up good for this to work on screen.  It was still enjoyable though.  Some funny lines and a good payoff.  I just wasn't feeling the drama and for the purposes of this exercise I have to call you on it.

I just have one question - where was Ken in all this?


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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James McClung
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, this wasn't much of a drama. Unlike Simply BBQ, however, this seems like something that could actually happen and while much of what happens is comical and somewhat outlandish, nothing seemed particularly out of left field. Unfortunately, I knew what was coming before even reading the thing due to the title. Not exactly subtle if you ask me. Nevertheless, I like the setup and the dialogue is excellent. Everything built up to a satisfying climax (to me anyways). I was glad to see Jason get his for both Tabitha and Gus' sake.

Good job with this one. This marks the first entry I've read where I have an idea of who the writer is. I think I'll keep my mouth shut for now (or until someone makes another "Guess Who" thread).


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darthbrion
Posted: August 5th, 2006, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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lol great short!

* SPOILERS *

* I loved the whole thing with Henderson.  Seems as if that guy has been busy.

* Like others have said, even though it's more comedy than anything the cursing around the children was extreme.

* Glad you showed Jason get his at the end.

Good, funny story!    

  
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Parker
Posted: August 6th, 2006, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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The ending was my favourite part of the whole thing. The rest was pretty good, funny in a few parts so I guess I enjoyed this one quite a bit. The conversations between Gus and Hank were only comedy to me so I can't say this one is drama at all. I'm just so glad Jason got what he deserved and the line that followed was hilarious.

The script as a whole was enjoyable and entertaining so good job.

GBM


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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George Willson
Posted: August 6th, 2006, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Nice combination of drama to begin with traveling right into the outlandish comedy sectre leaving me with a good laugh at the end. I was scared for awhile, seeing how the other scripts have dipped into the horror genre, but it all played off very well and fairly realistically to the point where the guys forget about each other and go after Henderson and then Tabitha gets Jason where it counts.

Well done. Comedy should begin life as a drama.


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God of Thunder
Posted: August 6th, 2006, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Its almost like dominos. JAson does one thing. Girl gets mad. Gets dad mad. Dad loses anger and gets other dad mad. But everything works out in the end. Dad's team up. Girl kicks boy in balls all over. Funny screenplay. Nice drama to good ending.


My Scripts:
The Threat (Action/Drama) (Short)

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Charlie Spotted (Action)
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drink coffee
Posted: August 6th, 2006, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this was different. Good dialogue and a quick read. It's very funny. I kind of wished Henderson would've showed up at the end just to see what the two dads would have done to him. The line where Gus calls Hank's wife "Glen" was probably my favorite part. The ending worked as well. The little prick got what he deserved. You don't put a Barbie on the Barbie! Good job!
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datha
Posted: August 6th, 2006, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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It is definitly more the comedy then drama. Children's behiver were more natural (and nicely described) then their parents. The parents acted like children. I can see easily stupid gays like them cursing with children around.
You must be very good in comedies, no dubt.
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