Predator by Brion (darthbrion) - Short - A pedophile uses the Internet to hunt for new victims.  In cyberspace, no one is who they say they are. (strong language, strong sexual content, violence) 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Got a nice little review here for you, Brion.

>When I saw the title, I thought this was a rewrite of the movie 'Predator' with Arnold Govenator of California. But I read the logline and I was wrong.

>The dialogue is good and your descriptions are nice and easy to read.

>This kind of gave me the chills as I was reading and I'm glad I wasn't Alex...Ouch!

>I was surprised that I didn't see much or any spelling or grammar errors.

There wasn't really anything that bothered me or I didn't see anything wrong. Good job!

Sean

Hey Brion,

Doing the type as I read thing, so take what you can use and disregard the rest.

CONTAINS SPOILERS

First off, I think you've done a good job on the opening here, particularly in portraying Alex as a creep.

Ok, moving onward to the IM discussion.  You have "princess" being hesitant about anal because she's never done it before, but a few lines down it becomes apparent that she hasn't done anything before.  Maybe switch it around and have her just "thinking about it".

And at the end of the scene he's ultra creepy.  The family thing is a nice touch.

Getting into the torture sequence, I think you substitute the ear thing with something else.  You may end up drawing a lot of Reservoir Dogs comparisons.  Maybe just a nice cut across the face or something.  Have the girl bring the box over first, and he cuts him with a utility knife.  I like the hammer thing though.

I was wondering about the police thing at first, but I'm glad you added them saying somethign about twenty four hours.

And lastly, why did you end it so abruptly?  I honestly thought there was going to be somethign on there about the kid finding some emails or something, but when I went to scroll down it was over.

Anyway, this is a pretty decent idea.  I remember hearing about a movie called Hard Candy that came out earlier this year and covered this subject matter, but I havent seen it so I don't know exactly what happens there.

I think if you were so inclined you could turn this into a feature actually.  You could have the kid find some emails, and it starts a trail that puts the cops on a search, leading them to the girl, Jake and Aaron who are taking out more pedophiles, and as the cops close in, they're not really sure if they want to catch them.  the are taking out pedophiles after all.  Just something to mull over.

Anyway, this was a solid effort.  Nice job.

First off thanks to both Zombie Sean & Mike Shelton for taking the time to read and review my opus.

Mike you're totally right about the Reservoir Dogs thing.  It never even crossed my mind until you mentioned it ~ D'oh!  ::)

As far as endings go...I got stumped.  It's only now after that I've posted it that I have an idea or two I'd like to toss in there to give it a more proper ending.

Again thanks for the read and review guys!  

SPOILER SPACE

I think this story would work better if it was a little longer.  You rushed the whole torture scene.  Make it more suspenseful and less painful.

It would also improve the story if you held off on why the three were torturing Alex.  Leave us guessing for a while.


Phil

Hey thanks for the feedback Phil I appreciate it.   ;)

I like the idea of maybe leaving more to the imagination (for example the torture scene)

I could probably make it a little longer but I struggle with full length scripts  :'(

You can trim the first scene down.  We don't need to see the guy getting on AOL.  Show him already online.  Short his e-conversation a little bit.  That's just the prologue to the story.


Phil

great job darthbrion,

I agree to what phil says! follow his holy advice! ^^

This is very similar to Hard Candy. Just some advice.

Hey Darth, I thought I might read this instead of Refuge.

SPOILERS
The opening scene with Alex masturbating is a bit much. A minute later, you portray him as having a family. I dunno, something about the way you write it made me thnik he was an "alright guy" but just have a fetsih for young people. But still, he is very creepy.

You have no defined bad guy. Is Alex the bad guy, or is Aaron and the other the bd guys? But I guess it still works.

When Alex's son logs on, what are you suggesting? That he is a pedophile (ha) or he is gonig to find his dad's account?

Overall, very good and creepy, despite connections to film Hard Candy.

lol I still haven't seen Hard Candy.  It must be good because it's always checked out when I go to rent it.  

Thanks to Bigwhoop & rpedro for reading my short as always I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read something I've posted.  ;)

For Bigwhoop - I think I did this short to show that in todays world there isn't a lot of nice people out there.  Look at the dozen or so MNSBC specials that have aired about child predators.

I think what I was trying to get across at the end with his son on the computer is that even though it was used for evil means by the father, no one knew it.  Well...That and I found myself stumpd at the end lol  :B

again thanks to everyone who has read this and offered their great advice!

Okay I've finally seen "Hard Candy" and I can see where you're coming from Bigwhoop.  

There are some definite similarities between the two that I would have to work on should I do a rewrite.

I will say that the trauma the guy went through in "Hard Candy" was a lot worse than Alex did in mine lol

Thanks for the heads up on the movie.  (why are all the good ideas already taken?  :P)

Hi there.  

New member here.  I've been reading alot of your scripts, Im reading some nice stuff.

This one in particular was very enjoyable.  Your main character was very creepy and the son interupting him was a very nice touch.  I just really wish the ending was a bit more eventful or something actually happened.

A very nice effort though.

Alan.

Hello there, darthbrion...

So basically, I didn't like this script. That doesn't mean it wasn't well written, it just means that I personally didn't like it. From a writer's standpoint, you have a pretty good script on your hands.

There are a few spots where your grammar and spelling is off, but other than that it is solid as ice.

Your story is pretty good, but I don't like how it ended.

What happened to Alex? Did they find the body? Did they arrest the girl, her brother, and Aaron?

The formatting is good too. Keep up the good work, and maybe we will see a rewrite of this in the future.

hey thanks to both Bojangles & Alan for reading and reviewing my short.

Sorry you didn't like it Bojangles, maybe my next one will be more to your liking  ;)

As far as my ending goes, I see how it's really hurt my short.  Everyone has mentioned it.

I think that should I ever get stumped with an ending to a story again I'll ask someone for advice before posting lol

Hey,

I liked this script a lot. It's dark, topical and pretty gruesome despite the little bit with the ear. I had a good read of that section of the script though I'm not sure how Tarantino's lawyer would react, but since its not totally the same and I don't think it's legal to copyright someone cutting off another guy's ear there was no harm done. On the other hand, I guess you can copyright anything since Roger Ebert copyrighted his thumbs. Oh well.

I disagree with a couple of the other comments about the opening scene. I think it establishes him as a creepy kinda guy. The fact that his family is right there, that he is a family man in the next scene makes it all the more disturbing because you establish that this fetish is something that is beyond his control, perhaps. I think someone had a gripe about it above, so there's my two cents.

Generally, I don't enjoy reads like this, where things that are very topical are covered. Like that movie about the JonBenet Ramsey killing with I wanna say Harvey Keitel, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't him. I can't remember the name of the actor, but I hated the movie because of its topical storyline. But this script I liked a lot, which doesn't necessarily mean it was fun to read. It wasn't because of the subject matter, which is disgusting. There is nothing wrong with the script and in the end I liked it, but I'm just saying this is not the easiest script to read.

If you're planning on doing a rewrite I would run with that. I would put more and more of that stuff in, that awkward kind of pushing the envelope in terms of how far you go with the pedophelia and Alex's eventual torture. Also, get rid of the thing with the kid. It doesn't make sense. Overall a dark, edgy read. Well done.


Cheers, Chism.

Hey thanks for the read Chism!  As always I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read one of my shorts and comment on it.  

I'm thinking of expanding this into a longer short (if that makes sense lol)

Maybe go more in depth with Alex and his "hobbies" as well as the people he runs across.

That sounds like a great idea. There is a lot of potential for a longer and overall creepier and more gruesome experience. Good luck with it.


Cheers, Chism.

Hey thanks for the read and review Pia I appreciate it!

You brought up some good points (The bag of goodies from the sex shop being one.)

As far as the title page goes....I have to admit...I am the most computer illiterate person on Earth.  Someone bought me Final Draft so I'd have a "hobby" and I still haven't figured out half of what it can or cannot do yet.  :'(  So the blame for my non titled pages are on my non understanding of computers.

Anyway glad you liked it and took the time to review it!

Brion

BTW - the story about the Swedish Dad?  Gross.  lol