General Incredulity by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - Accidents happen, but not necessary with one damage to claim on the insurance company. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Helio,

That was sad!

SPOILERS:

If that was your aim, maybe you should describe the characters a little more for maximum effect, especially the little boy fishing.

Pia

PS. I do read quite often in the news about little kids getting into cars, messing around and before you know it someone gets hurt.

Sorry, I didn't like that at all. I take it you're foreign or something coz there was a lot i couldn't make out.

well this was an interesting script, but then again all your scripts are :D

I liked how the guy's name was Vader and wears a black coat, was that a star wars reference?

Anyways this was a sad one, I think it should be drawn out a little more, everything seemed to happen too fast, and I think the characters seemed a bit flat.

I liked the idea and the ending is powerful, just needs to be fleshed out more.

anyways it was pretty good.  Keep it up :)

Quoted from RobertSpence I take it you're foreign or something

On the Internet we are all foreign ;D

Helio

This was a somewhat sad story. I say somewhat because I just wasn't attached to the character fishing. I had no connection and didn't really care what happened to him.

Tell us why he is fishing. Is he there because his father just came home drunk again and started beating his mom and he  uses fishing as an escape. Is he there because he hates fish in general and wants to catch as many as possible just to pull them out of the water and away from their air source to watch them suffer and die. Is he there because he and his dad are avid fishermen and wants to impress his dad with how many fish he has been able to catch in such a short time. Do you get the idea?

I do love reading all of your scripts. You are a talented and creative writer. Keep writing and growing. I will keep trying to battle my lack of writing.

Helio -- I see a lot of your short short scripts as simple scenes that may lead to many other lengthy works. You have done that with your upcoming CAB'S TALES. Those are going to be most excellent. Tale this simple 4 pager and take time to rewrite it so that we get to know the boy fishing better. Give him a flaw. Get us to know him, like him, and care about what is about to happen to him. In the next scene ask yourself after he gets flattened what will happen next and write it. Soon you will have first draft feature length, then the rewriting can begin.

Spencer "For Hire" McDonald

lol well sorry i understand we are all foreign. What i meant to say was english may not be a first language.

Hi helio,

I read this one twice before commenting on it.

This script has a couple good twists for being so short, but I agree with spencerforhire about showing more about the fishing boy.
I think it wouldn't hurt to show the crane operator working earlier on, too.

Interesting for three pages though.  :)

Cindy

Hello Helio,
I read your script, let me say good job.
First I was thrown in by the title, which I not sure what that mean until I readed the sript. I think there should be more at the end, after the boy got killed, but that just me.
good job.






Lee,

I'm not sure if I liked this, I would of liked to see a mention of the kid fishing before the car fell on him.

Quoted from RobertSpence lol well sorry i understand we are all foreign. What i meant to say was english may not be a first language.

There are a handful of members, here, who know English as a second language, Helio, Michel and Bert are a few of them.  We learn to overlook the 'mistranslations' for these people.  For those of us who know English, we are not as forgiving.


Phil

Hey guys thanks for the reading.

May be you are right about to say something about the boy past in order we can be next to him...Anyway, I appreciated you comments they are useful anytime.

This is one of those that took me a few of reads to fully understand, and it's not all the language barrier either.  Here's what I understood on the first read: a guy goes inside and leaves the keys in the car. The kid drives the car off a cliff. A crane is picking the car up and the kid survived, but as the car nears the top, the crane loses it and it falls on another kid who is fishing. This not making a lot of sense to me, I read it a few more times, and caught the real story. This just means the basic story is unclear on an initial read. This is due to a lack of adequate description and poorly developed characters. The skeleton of the short is there. You just have to build around it.

Thanks GW.

Well I'd rewritten it twice thinking that I'd make it understandble. Why? Because in my understand, the readers would think that when they saw Mr Vader leaving the kyes in the car and they listened to the sound of crash could understand that the car fell the clif with the boy inside, but in reality the boy had get out before the crane had hit it down the clif (the crane driver says I'm sorry!). So I didn't enough to make that scene clear.

Anyway, I'm sorry it doesn't make any sense for you, and you know your comments are welcome ever!

Mon ami Helio,

sorry, but this time I don't buy it. Where has gone craziness and your peculiar universe? This story is cruel in spite of the joke name. Carl (Darth?) Vader.

People generally don't agree when you kill a child in amovie. Hitchcock did it once and regretted it.

The title should rather be "Fatalitas".

Anyway, all this is just my (very) humble opinion.

Next time, you'll hit it.

Michel 8)

Thanks Michel. I know that is very hard to see a child death, but accidents happen. What we all need are not to be in the wrong place in the wrong time.

By the way, I was blemed once when I killed a little pig on the western script STORMVILLE. There you can see how I was so cruel with that little inocent Suidae.

I knew I saw your picture (the one of your avatar) somewhere in Variety when it happened. That little pig as you call him was in fact Babe's little brother. That's why they stop the series after the second Babe's movie. He couldn't bare it anymore.

Michel

Mon ami, worst than a child death in an accident, is to see a black-white little waiter trying to stab a young girl on playground! :)

Since you helped me find a template for Word I thought I'd read up on your script. My review will be short and sweet because of my reviewing skills.

To be honest, it was a little confusing. I kind of get the gist of it, but it is still making me think harder. So, the boy fishing was killed? Not Billy? That's what I can conclude. Anways, back to the review.

You have some grammar issues, but I take that English is not your first language so no big deal.

There is one other thing. How does Anne seem to incredulous? You can only write what can be seen and heard. The audience won't know that she is being incredulous unless she is acting some sort of way.

Overall it was okay. Good luck on your next script.

:)

Thanks for the reading.

Maybe the word incredulous did'nt show how much she was astonished in that moment. Maybe it is like this: Anne is astonished. So you can figure out how she was when saw the car crashed on the rocks.

Sure, Bill wasn't killed, but the other boy fishing.

Anyway, thanks for your time on my script.

By the way, there is another script very confuse that  you may want to read...Don't worry it is very short!

BACK TO SHAWSHANK

SPOILERS!

Hey Helio, another very interesting story. It's very tragic but still quite good. The end was a real surprise - something I didn't think of could happen. But I think you should develop it a bit more. For instance, when they find the crashed car down, you might mention some blood or some sign that offers to the parents that someone is dead below. Then the flashback can reinforce it and the scene might make it powerful. Hope this helps.

Gabriel

Thanks Grabriel. I appreciated your sugestion. I'll keep it in mind, okay?

Helio,

First thing I will say is that you have to add to your opening scene description.  The first problem I had was trying to figure out who TONY and BILLY were.  I also had no idea which was playing with the puppet.

Same thing with ANNE, when she comes in to 'meet Carl' you can afford to write a Film Scene Action line before her first on-screen dialog.

Why is Carl addressing Billy with the line 'I know Billy...?'  Billy hadn't said anything previously.

Definitely an abrupt ending.  Quite a downer, but you're right accidents do happen.  What I don't understand is who the real main character was.  It was set up like it was Carl, but he didn't encounter any obstacles or accomplish an objective.  It's not as much of a story as a single scene as some others have suggested.

-Bob

-Bob

Thanks Bob I appreciated your reading.

You are right about what you pointed out. The child that was mentioned was Billy and Carl adresses the line to Tony instead Billy. Sorry.