Hell's Cabin by Steve Meredith (SRUSteve09) - Short, Horror - Leo and Liz buy a winter cabin deep in the thick forest of Maine.  Little do they know that someone...or something, has been awaiting their arrival. 4 pages - doc, format 8)

Oh Lord! This one is even worse than I thought!

Am I just imagining things or weren't you the one that wrote a script that was filmed by Rpedro?

If so, I hate to tell you, but your writing has digressed!

First of all, Book Antigua in bold or not, is just plain wrong anywhere in a script.

“FADE IN, WIDE SHOT OF A LONELY ROAD, NIGHT:”

Should just be

FADE IN:

EXT. ROAD – NIGHT

“HOODMOUNT, CAR:”
Don’t tell us where the camera is. Only tell us what we see.

DON’T center the dialogue!

EXT, SIDE OF THE ROAD:
We see the car pass the camera and drive up the driveway.  

Should be:

EXT.  ROAD – NIGHT

Skip the we see’s.

“EXT CABIN, LATER THAT NIGHT:”
EXT. CABIN – LATER

INT BEDROOM, CABIN, CONTINUOUS:
Moonlight shines through the window as Liz hops into bed with Leo.  They start making out, which leads to them making love.

What’s with the continuous? They aren’t going anywhere.
I appreciate you not being too graphic here, but I think you may have gone too far to the other end. This might actually be one of the least exciting sexscenes I’ve ever read.

“INT BEDROOM, MUCH LATER:”
How will we know it’s much later?

“The camera pans around to reveal an empty bedroom.  It trucks through the bedroom door into the hallway, revealing an empty bathroom, and an eerie hallway.  It trucks down the staircase to the living room, which is also dark, and reveals the fireplace.”

Leave the camera directions out of the script and wtf does trucks through mean?

Why is Liz face down dead in the tub? Did I miss something?

MONTAGE:
The burning living room, Leo trying to find water, Leo and Liz making love, Leo and Liz entering the house, the flames engulfing the staircase, the upstairs hallway, the flames engulfing the bathroom, burning Leo to death.

This is terrible!

Why did you submit this? This isn’t very good at all. Your other script was so much better. I want to help you, but this one needs more help and support than I can give.
  
I'm sorry,  :-/

SPOILER SPACE...

Without any explanation as to why things happened as thtey did, your story suffers a great deal.  Why does the ghost kill the couple?  Why burn the house down.  Why kill the wife?  Who is the ghost?

You have to answer these questions for this story to make sense.  And being that this is a horror story, you have to build some suspense for this to be scary.

Your formatting needs some work.  Take out all the camera angles.

Read some other scripts on the boards to learn formatting.


Phil

I have to agree with the previous comments about this screenplay, there are to many camera directions.  I know that when you picture the action in your head you try and put it down the same but its just not the done thing.
However I think this is the least of the stories problems.  I think this is, at the moment, is a pointless story.  It has little suspense or development.  It's too short to care about your characters and there's no explenation as to whats happening and why.
It needs expanding or something added to explain the whole concept of what your trying to achieve here.