Specialized Cell by James Moen (dethan) - Short, Horror - A disturbing tale of Zack Thompson, an Afghanistan veteran who is killed and brought back to life with the help of science. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was a good read, and an interesting twist on things.  You forgot to tag a flashback again though, and I'm assunimg that the ZT51 and then ZK51 is a typo, but that's nothing major.

On the whole it was good.  I wasn't overcome with emotion to the point where I couldn't breath like Zack :) but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

Thanks for the read Zack, and the compliment.

After reading all the slasher/zombie scripts I figured I'd give one a try.  But I wanted a creation story. How would you create a zombie? This is my answer.  

I'm still making some minor adjustments, nothing serious.  

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Dethan

Grr. Flashbacks.  I'll figure them out yet!

I'm still fixing the typoes and smoothing out the dialogue.  I also might tweak the first bite scene...

Thanks for the read Mike.  I'm glad you liked it.  I do have a question though, after going to picture should I do a "RETURN TO SCENE"? It says so in - The Screenwriter's Manual - but its example doesn't exactly correspond to what I'm doing...

Dethan

Hello, James. It appears that we share the same name.

Anyways, I found this enjoyable as a whole. Other people have pointed out your typos here and there, but that's all easily fixed. This whole concept is facinating, but also a little on the creepy side to think that someone could become such a monster.

Good premise. I really enjoyed it despite the typos here and there. I hope to see more work like this on the unproduced script page!

-James

I don't think you need to do a RETURN TO SCENE, but you should put an INSERT for the picture.  The action/dialogue that followed that would serve as the return to scene.

In your other RETURN TO SCENE after the flashback, I would cut that and just put PRESENT or BACK TO REALITY in the slugline flollowing it

this was really well done. I've read too many zombie scripts that are based purely on gore and guts and it was nice for a change to see the same topic told from a different point of view. Not sure if you've seen 28 weeks later, but it reminded me of it.  you should definitely expand this into a longer story.

Thanks for the information Mike. It really helps.

N7, I guess I can see how it reminds you of 28 weeks later, since it focused on the relationships between the infected and the human.  But it wasn't really on my mind when I wrote it.  I was thinking the first 40 pages of Frankenstien.  

I probably will expand it slightly.  Show the hanging scene. I think that would be a really good beat that can add to the story. I don't have any intention of doing a feature though unless there is enough interest in the concept that I feel it requires a treatment.

Thanks for the reads. I really appreciate it.

Dethan

Dethan -- Great script!

I was engaged the whole way. The ending, however, left me wanting more. I think you ended it a little too soon. We needed to see the prisoners face and a possible change of ideology after seeing Zack eat Dr. West.

Great Job.

Spencer

Hello Spencer,

The ending does come a bit fast.  I'll probably make it more gradual and see if I can up the tension level inside the cell in the rewrite.  Not entirely sure about ending with the Prisoner.  I'll think it over.  It does have interesting aspects.

Thanks for the read.
Dethan

Not sure why I was drawn to this one.  I haven't had much time to read lately.  But I've been meaning to check on something of yours after that poetry thing a while back.

This was engaging.  Don't get me started on the actual science of it  ::) but taking everything at face value, it's a tight little story.

The flashback felt like it had been shoehorned in.  Like you were just putting it there because you thought it needed to be there, and I don't think it does.  I found the suicide angle much more intriguing.  That should be your flashback if you ask me.

When Doctor West asks, "What is to become of me?" -- well, I knew exactly what was to become of him haha.  You might consider changing that line.  It gives too much away.  And just call him "West", or "Doctor", as the combination becomes tedious.

The ending is abrupt.  Maybe too abrupt.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  I think maybe it is, and you should show the prisoner watching, like Spencer suggested.

So this is a nice, fresh take on a genre I usually shy away from.  A good new voice on the boards, with a good contribution.  The PDF looks dirty, though.  You might look for another way to convert your stuff.

Hey Bert,

Quoted from bert This was engaging.  Don't get me started on the actual science of it  ::) but taking everything at face value, it's a tight little story.

Thanks! Going to finesse the science dialogue a bit more. I laugh when I read the "two gallons of mutated stem cell" line. I'm surprised no ones called me on it.

Quoted from bert The flashback felt like it had been shoehorned in.  Like you were just putting it there because you thought it needed to be there, and I don't think it does.  I found the suicide angle much more intriguing.  That should be your flashback if you ask me.

Flashback is redundant considering the dialogue.  The suicide is going to be in the rewrite, but it isn't going to be a flashback. I want people to see him hang.  Maybe even have West watch.

Quoted from bert The ending is abrupt.  Maybe too abrupt.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  I think maybe it is, and you should show the prisoner watching, like Spencer suggested.

Two for the Prisoner ending.  I'm still not exactly sure I want that.  I do want more suspense there, but I'm having trouble visuallizing how I would want the prisoner to respond. So I'm still thinking about it.

Quoted from bert And the very last line is "flailing", not "failing".  I usually let most grammar go, but this is the last line and it's pretty wrong, so I thought I would point it out.

Actually, that is a fragment left over from a sentence I deleted that needs to be cut entirely.

Quoted from bert So this is a nice, fresh take on a genre I usually shy away from.  A good new voice on the boards, with a good contribution.  The PDF looks dirty, though.  You might look for another way to convert your stuff.

Thanks for the review! And the input.  I have a lot to think over when I rewrite this. I'm not sure why the PDF looks dirty.

Dethan

Some thoughts, after thinking a bit.

Quoted from Dethan The suicide is going to be in the rewrite, but it isn't going to be a flashback. I want people to see him hang.  Maybe even have West watch.

That could be your opening scene, then he awakens on the hospital bed.

He shouts at West with rage, "Why am I still alive?!"

Quoted from Dethan Two for the Prisoner ending.  I'm still not exactly sure I want that.

The prisoner watches in disbelief.  We just hear the O.S. screams and gnashing of teeth.

Without turning from the carnage, he whispers, "What do you want to know?"

Then you can fade out.

Quoted from Dethan Thanks for the review! And the input.

Just some thoughts.  You're welcome.  Good story.  

This was very good I thought. Especially for the Frankenstein genre, and especially for a short.

I'm not sure I think having Zack bite West's finger off works...it creates a false sense of suspense that's ended very abruptly when he cowers to his feet and escapes. Maybe that's just me, though.

the ending, as others already mentioned was also a but unsatisfactory, but it should be an easy fix as there are several ways you can go with it.

The dialogue with all the science mumbo jumbo worked well, even if the chopped off finger made me think of Species immediately.

But a well-written, well-paced short with a fresh angle to a tired subject.

Hey DM,

I always thought the Zack biting West was the weak part of that scene. Mainly because West causes it by stupidity, why would the doctor release the bonds? Let others do that! My other option, which I'm still working on, is Zack breaking the bones in his hand to get loose.  And also a struggle with West and the Prisoner on the way toward the door.

I didn't think of Species, but there were 2 other choices for the TV scene 1.)show a vid of him as amputee recovering or 2.)Show him after he gets shot for eating his nurse recovering from bullet wounds.  I picked 3.) cut finger off... because I figured that'd be cheap. A stop motion of Zack regrowing limbs would work best.

Thanks for the read DM.

And Bert - I definitely won't be putting the hanging as the opening.  It'd change audience perceptions too much.  Asking an audience to identify with a guy trying to suicide and the doctor who refuses to let him is a hard sell early in a short. You only have a page to catch sympathies... starting on a sour note makes that hard.

As for the ending, that is why I don't want to use the prisoner.  It validates what the general is doing.  It moves the focus off of the main chars.  And it is making a statement about torture I don't feel like making.  I want you to question the methods.  

I do have another option I'm thinking about.  But it depends on how long I want the script.

Thanks for all the suggestions.  I definitely will continue to think them over.

Dethan

I'm too lazy to resubmit and I didn't use the URL option, but if you read this and want to see how it changed in the rewrite click the link below. And, yes, I changed the ending.  And the beginning, and about 90% of what was in between.

Specialized Cell Required Final Draft

Dethan

oooooo another zombie story, just finished Mike's, now this one, I liked how both of you found a different angle at the zombie genre, it shows there is always a way to bring something new to the table.

I liked the story, and the idea is cool, but I did feel some of the Doctor's dialogue felt off to me, just seemed weird for some reason.

Anyways this was a good read with a neat idea.  Good work :)

Thanks for the Read. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Did you read the revised version or the original? Just curious because I changed most of the Doctor's dialog and want to know if it needs a bit more work.

Dethan

creepy

That or they think it is an appropriate review.  I'll take it as a possitive!  It was made to be creepy.

Anyway, take a look at the new version.  They're probably different enough to keep your interest through a re-read. Thanks,

Dethan

Quoted from Dethan That or they think it is an appropriate review.  I'll take it as a possitive!  It was made to be creepy. Anyway, take a look at the new version.  They're probably different enough to keep your interest through a re-read. Thanks, Dethan

LOL! yeah, there's plenty of review here for CELL and I'm not one for beating a dead horse, or a live one for that matter, and I don't think Zack would care either way. You did well enough for me to sum it up in one word.

Quoted from randyshea creepy

Yeah, this would have been deleted -- but too late now that everybody has commented on it haha.

Quoted from Rules 9. Respond with more than just one or two words.

Not the worst transgression I've ever seen, but please check out Don's Rules, Randy.  A convenient link at the top of every board, I think.

Quoted from bert Yeah, this would have been deleted -- but too late now that everybody has commented on it haha. Not the worst transgression I've ever seen, but please check out Don's Rules, Randy.  A convenient link at the top of every board, I think.

Roger that, Bert. I'm one of those guys who puts the swing set together without reading the instructions and ends up with 47 parts left over.

Do we need to know that there’s a tv attached to a wall and a chair? I think it’s a little unnecessary. Why not just leave it to empty room.

Doctor West says who he is twice.

I thought the reveal of Zach eating the nurse and the peeling of the skin was really creepy stuff.

I think it would be more helpful to get a better description of the Prisoner. You don’t even describe his age.

I’m not sure if I get the ending. It just sort of ends rushed. I’m interested to know more and I think more questions should be answered. This is something I definitely think should be lengthened.

And just as a suggestion, maybe we could see a flashback of the accident?

Good Luck

Quoted from TAnthony Do we need to know that there’s a tv attached to a wall and a chair? I think it’s a little unnecessary. Why not just leave it to empty room. Doctor West says who he is twice.

You must have read the old draft. Both of those were fixed in the rewrite.

Added on a different ending, but it still ends as a cliff hanger.

If I decide to write this as a feature I'll probably cut all the flashbacks and start when he gets notified he has to go to Afghanistan. Then the accident, then the hospital, death/deaths, etc.

Thanks for the reads.  I appreciate your comments.

Dethan

Sorry Dethan I didn't even realize that. I'll try and read the new draft.

Not a problem Anthony.  Get to it when you have time.  No hurry.  Read a few others then go back to it with new eyes.

Dethan

Dethan,
A few comments on your story.

First, Most cells in your body are not rejuvinated "every seven years" as you state. Each system(nervous, GI, cardiac, etc.) utilizes different ways and reasons for rejuvination/re-establishment of cell populations. For example, the GI tract loses and replaces its mucosal cells every seven days or so regardless. Most other tissues only renew themselves when an injury or loss has occured or some other special need is manifested. For example, fat cells will increase in size and number in response to overabundance of glucose. But, they are not replace "every seven years" arbitrarily. If this were the case we would not age.

Sorry, another thing. About stem cells. They are not just found in embryos and  special creatures. Some systems in you body have a stem cell line somewhere within them. Some are a little more differentiated than others. Again, going back to gut cells. Those cells are gut stem cells. They can only potentiate themselves into gut cells. They are one or two cell lines away from the embryo stem cells. Your liver is one of the best at responding to injury. You can remove over half of your liver and it will be back to the original size within weeks.

One of the goals in stem cell research is to tease these endogenous(from your own body) cells into becoming active again via chemical signals(ie: neuronal stem cells). Your body has the information, we're just trying to work out how to get it and turn it on. They've tried using stem cells from an external source with little success. Anyways, sorry for the biology lesson. I would just change that piece of dialgue where the doctor is explaining to something like:

"We've mutated your stem cell line, turned it on so that it responds quickly to stress or damage. Any injury that you aquire is fixed by these continuously dividing cells. Your body is a cancer, an immortal stem cell line. But a fully functional one."

or something to that effect.

Besides this i thought the story was pretty good.

Joseph

Thanks for the read Joseph.

And for the alternative, medically correct, line of dialog.  If I do a rewrite I'll keep what you said in mind.

Dethan