Specialized Cell by James Moen (dethan) - Short, Horror - A disturbing tale of Zack Thompson, an Afghanistan veteran who is killed and brought back to life with the help of science. 9 pages - pdf, format

This was a good read, and an interesting twist on things.  You forgot to tag a flashback again though, and I'm assunimg that the ZT51 and then ZK51 is a typo, but that's nothing major.

On the whole it was good.  I wasn't overcome with emotion to the point where I couldn't breath like Zack but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

Thanks for the read Zack, and the compliment.

After reading all the slasher/zombie scripts I figured I'd give one a try.  But I wanted a creation story. How would you create a zombie? This is my answer.  

I'm still making some minor adjustments, nothing serious.  

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Dethan

Grr. Flashbacks.  I'll figure them out yet!

I'm still fixing the typoes and smoothing out the dialogue.  I also might tweak the first bite scene...

Thanks for the read Mike.  I'm glad you liked it.  I do have a question though, after going to picture should I do a "RETURN TO SCENE"? It says so in - The Screenwriter's Manual - but its example doesn't exactly correspond to what I'm doing...

Dethan

Hello, James. It appears that we share the same name.

Anyways, I found this enjoyable as a whole. Other people have pointed out your typos here and there, but that's all easily fixed. This whole concept is facinating, but also a little on the creepy side to think that someone could become such a monster.

Good premise. I really enjoyed it despite the typos here and there. I hope to see more work like this on the unproduced script page!

-James

I don't think you need to do a RETURN TO SCENE, but you should put an INSERT for the picture.  The action/dialogue that followed that would serve as the return to scene.

In your other RETURN TO SCENE after the flashback, I would cut that and just put PRESENT or BACK TO REALITY in the slugline flollowing it

this was really well done. I've read too many zombie scripts that are based purely on gore and guts and it was nice for a change to see the same topic told from a different point of view. Not sure if you've seen 28 weeks later, but it reminded me of it.  you should definitely expand this into a longer story.

Thanks for the information Mike. It really helps.

N7, I guess I can see how it reminds you of 28 weeks later, since it focused on the relationships between the infected and the human.  But it wasn't really on my mind when I wrote it.  I was thinking the first 40 pages of Frankenstien.  

I probably will expand it slightly.  Show the hanging scene. I think that would be a really good beat that can add to the story. I don't have any intention of doing a feature though unless there is enough interest in the concept that I feel it requires a treatment.

Thanks for the reads. I really appreciate it.

Dethan

Dethan -- Great script!

I was engaged the whole way. The ending, however, left me wanting more. I think you ended it a little too soon. We needed to see the prisoners face and a possible change of ideology after seeing Zack eat Dr. West.

Great Job.

Spencer

Hello Spencer,

The ending does come a bit fast.  I'll probably make it more gradual and see if I can up the tension level inside the cell in the rewrite.  Not entirely sure about ending with the Prisoner.  I'll think it over.  It does have interesting aspects.

Thanks for the read.
Dethan

Not sure why I was drawn to this one.  I haven't had much time to read lately.  But I've been meaning to check on something of yours after that poetry thing a while back.

This was engaging.  Don't get me started on the actual science of it   but taking everything at face value, it's a tight little story.

The flashback felt like it had been shoehorned in.  Like you were just putting it there because you thought it needed to be there, and I don't think it does.  I found the suicide angle much more intriguing.  That should be your flashback if you ask me.

When Doctor West asks, "What is to become of me?" -- well, I knew exactly what was to become of him haha.  You might consider changing that line.  It gives too much away.  And just call him "West", or "Doctor", as the combination becomes tedious.

The ending is abrupt.  Maybe too abrupt.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  I think maybe it is, and you should show the prisoner watching, like Spencer suggested.

So this is a nice, fresh take on a genre I usually shy away from.  A good new voice on the boards, with a good contribution.  The PDF looks dirty, though.  You might look for another way to convert your stuff.

Hey Bert,

Quoted from bert This was engaging.  Don't get me started on the actual science of it   but taking everything at face value, it's a tight little story.

Thanks! Going to finesse the science dialogue a bit more. I laugh when I read the "two gallons of mutated stem cell" line. I'm surprised no ones called me on it.

Quoted from bert The flashback felt like it had been shoehorned in.  Like you were just putting it there because you thought it needed to be there, and I don't think it does.  I found the suicide angle much more intriguing.  That should be your flashback if you ask me.

Flashback is redundant considering the dialogue.  The suicide is going to be in the rewrite, but it isn't going to be a flashback. I want people to see him hang.  Maybe even have West watch.

Quoted from bert The ending is abrupt.  Maybe too abrupt.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  I think maybe it is, and you should show the prisoner watching, like Spencer suggested.

Two for the Prisoner ending.  I'm still not exactly sure I want that.  I do want more suspense there, but I'm having trouble visuallizing how I would want the prisoner to respond. So I'm still thinking about it.

Quoted from bert And the very last line is "flailing", not "failing".  I usually let most grammar go, but this is the last line and it's pretty wrong, so I thought I would point it out.

Actually, that is a fragment left over from a sentence I deleted that needs to be cut entirely.

Quoted from bert So this is a nice, fresh take on a genre I usually shy away from.  A good new voice on the boards, with a good contribution.  The PDF looks dirty, though.  You might look for another way to convert your stuff.

Thanks for the review! And the input.  I have a lot to think over when I rewrite this. I'm not sure why the PDF looks dirty.

Dethan

Some thoughts, after thinking a bit.

Quoted from Dethan The suicide is going to be in the rewrite, but it isn't going to be a flashback. I want people to see him hang.  Maybe even have West watch.

That could be your opening scene, then he awakens on the hospital bed.

He shouts at West with rage, "Why am I still alive?!"

Quoted from Dethan Two for the Prisoner ending.  I'm still not exactly sure I want that.

The prisoner watches in disbelief.  We just hear the O.S. screams and gnashing of teeth.

Without turning from the carnage, he whispers, "What do you want to know?"

Then you can fade out.

Quoted from Dethan Thanks for the review! And the input.

Just some thoughts.  You're welcome.  Good story.  

This was very good I thought. Especially for the Frankenstein genre, and especially for a short.

I'm not sure I think having Zack bite West's finger off works...it creates a false sense of suspense that's ended very abruptly when he cowers to his feet and escapes. Maybe that's just me, though.

the ending, as others already mentioned was also a but unsatisfactory, but it should be an easy fix as there are several ways you can go with it.

The dialogue with all the science mumbo jumbo worked well, even if the chopped off finger made me think of Species immediately.

But a well-written, well-paced short with a fresh angle to a tired subject.

Hey DM,

I always thought the Zack biting West was the weak part of that scene. Mainly because West causes it by stupidity, why would the doctor release the bonds? Let others do that! My other option, which I'm still working on, is Zack breaking the bones in his hand to get loose.  And also a struggle with West and the Prisoner on the way toward the door.

I didn't think of Species, but there were 2 other choices for the TV scene 1.)show a vid of him as amputee recovering or 2.)Show him after he gets shot for eating his nurse recovering from bullet wounds.  I picked 3.) cut finger off... because I figured that'd be cheap. A stop motion of Zack regrowing limbs would work best.

Thanks for the read DM.

And Bert - I definitely won't be putting the hanging as the opening.  It'd change audience perceptions too much.  Asking an audience to identify with a guy trying to suicide and the doctor who refuses to let him is a hard sell early in a short. You only have a page to catch sympathies... starting on a sour note makes that hard.

As for the ending, that is why I don't want to use the prisoner.  It validates what the general is doing.  It moves the focus off of the main chars.  And it is making a statement about torture I don't feel like making.  I want you to question the methods.  

I do have another option I'm thinking about.  But it depends on how long I want the script.

Thanks for all the suggestions.  I definitely will continue to think them over.

Dethan