Short Work by Mike Shelton - Short - There's big money on the line in this high stakes fight to the death, and one of the combatants is about to put his whole heart into it. - pdf, format 8)

Well I don't know.  This was a lot too much description and a bit too little point for my liking.

Well written as always, and of course the concept was charming, but I guess I felt like you didn't really do much with it.  Everything seemed a little bit too straight forward after the initial reveal.  Really, I guess, it seemed like this story would've been the same without the unusual nature of Sullivan.  I definitely would've liked to see more dialogue, especially something to give it a bit more of an original spin.

It wasn't unexpected and there weren't really any jokes or twists that I didn't see coming after the inital reveal.  It was a quick read, it was well written, but I didn't really dig it, I guess, in the end, and it was a bit of a one-note joke.

I enjoyed this. An original use of our old friend the Zombie.

I agree with Heretic that there isn't much to it, but it still flows along nicely.

The one thing I would say about it though is how friendly everyone seems to be for what apparently is a death match. You would think they were about to meet for a cup of tea the way they greet each other.

Never been a great fan of Zombie stories. All they ever do is kill and eat human flesh.

Your title sure doesn't reflect on the story; I suppose the logline doesn't either.

I found the story is well written and flowed nicely but there wasn't enough in there to keep me in suspence.

Thanks for the reads everyone...I'll hit all the responses at once.

Figures...I write in my normal style and get called talky, then I try to change things up a little and now I'm too descriptive.  Great.

I wanted to make the story feel like it would be the same even if it weren't for Sullivan's condition.  That was just a little portion of it that threw things for a loop, but I didn't want to make the entire thing revolve aroudn it.  It was more or less a small part of the long standing feud between Lyle and O'Fallon.

You really saw the heart attack coming?  The only joke in this script is when Hollis is at the top of the cage with Lyle yelling up at him.  What else did you think was a joke or a twist?

Lyle and O'Fallon's meeting doesn't go over the top with them hating each other, sure, but I think the fact that they don't like each other is definitely there.

The title is referenced slightly in the dialogue.  I almost got right to the point and called it Zombie Pit Fighter, but thought that was a little too obvious.  Of course if I had called it that I probably would have had 10 reads by now.

The logline is a pun which I thought would be pretty easy to catch.

Having recently read Zen/Fury and noting a few akward descriptives, I have to say, this is, in terms of action, much improved. Still, you might want to consider shortening your sentences to better reflect the "rate of movement," the pace. If something happens quickly, it should, I think, be written quickly  -- in a short sentence. This, of course, is just my opinion.

Also, you might want to reconsider your use of adverbs. They slow the action and, in almost every instance, could be removed with little or no loss of meaning.

That aside, this is a well written script.  My favorite part is the dialogue -- it was just enough.

As for the story, I'm not sure. It felt like picture or a moment in time -- almost as if I'd arrived at the show only to see the end. Perhaps this was your intent?

Seth

Haha you know why I saw the heart attack coming...I'd forgotten about this...is that I had just watched Something's Gotta Give, and that, combined with the logline, sorta put the idea of a heart attack in my mind.  So I guess that was just unlucky.

Maybe I didn't enjoy it because there aren't really any likeable characters!  That's a possibility that I hadn't really considered until now.  Sort of lacks a protagonist, in fact, doesn't it?

Yeah, I can agree that it lacks a clear cut protag,  O'Fallon being the closest.  I figured that given the matter at hand and what these guys are doing, it would make sense for none of them to come off as completely likeable.

Hey Mike,

I felt used like Sullivan here. I waited other thing than that. Like Ellis said the title neither the logline reflect what realy your script is. I'm not fan of this type of stories, but I have to say your writing continues to please us. Im' sorry but for me you are better in others genres than this one.

An interesting script, Mike.  I thought it was a bit wordy in your description and dialogue.  Tightening it up could trim it by two pages.

SPOILERERERERER SPACEEEEEEEE

What made you think of a zombie in such a script?  It seemed very out of place.  Nice surprise twist, but hr seemed very out of place.


Phil

I'm not sure really.  I guess I was just looking to put a different spin on things and I came up with that.

I probably did go a little overboard with some stuff, but I guessed that the final product wouldn't be that long anyway, so I didn't trim as much off.

Quoted from Shelton I probably did go a little overboard with some stuff, but I guessed that the final product wouldn't be that long anyway, so I didn't trim as much off.

Another problem I had was everyone quickly accepted the fact that there was a zombie in front of them.  If a horror/fantasy script, it could happen, but not in a dramatic and realistic situation like this.  Can you picture Ed Norton taking on a zombie in Fight Club?


Phil

I'm not sure how I feel about this...a zombie boxing flick...meh...the twist at the end doesn't make much sense, either. Why wouldn't he have just shot him prior. And, earlier in the script you mentioned that Sullivan was dead...so how does a bullet to the head kill him anymore than he already is? The formatting was good, however it seems quite a few of your sentances are run-ons. Many of your action lines / "paragraphs" are one, very long sentance. Break the action down into several short and concise sentances. I didn't necessarly dislike your script. The flaws I've pointed out just stuck out.

Quoted from AdamHebel And, earlier in the script you mentioned that Sullivan was dead...so how does a bullet to the head kill him anymore than he already is?

A bullet to the head is the preferred method of killing a zombie in most zombie films.

Thanks for the read.

One more minor comment that I forgot to mention previously. On page 7 you wrote..."Lyle quickly shakes his head up and down." This is a little pet peave of mine, but no big deal. Shakes are side to side meaning no. So if one says "so and so shakes his head" ...side to side and no are implied....nods are up and down...indicating yes. I imagine you know this already...i just had to mention it..

Keep the work coming Mike.

-Adam-

Hey Mike,

This is the first script of yours that I have read - it will not be the last.

I liked this. It had a major twist in it. I thought it was gonna be like new version of Fight Club or Gladiator (the one with James Marshall) and then you spring the Zombie on us. Nice. Didn't see that one coming.

I thought your writing was good, but some of the text should be trimmed in order to give the script a quicker pace because it was a bit slow in some areas. I would have liked a bit more dialogue, I thought the dialogue in the script was really good and naturally I want some more.

"a disheveled mess of hair sits atop his head". Priceless haha.

Keep up the good work.


Cheers
Rob

PS: What can you recommend of yours?



There was a couple of typos but nothing major.

Thanks for the read, Rob.

I went for something a little different than what I normally do, which is to have the characters talk a LOT, probably almost too much for some people.  I focused more on the action and description here, and that ended up being a bit much for some.  I'll find that balance someday I suppose.

As far as a recommendation for something else,  my feature length comedies usually get some decent feedback.  If you want more dialogue, check out Coffee & Inspiration.  It's in drama, but is more of a comedy.  

For a short, I'd say Mr. Gloom, Thrill of the Hunt, High Stakes or One Last Fix.  

The shorts, except for "Thrill" might not have the same look to them though since I wrote them quite a while back and never posted updates since two of them were produced.

Hey Mike,

This was very funny. Another take on a zombie story. The only thing I found was that a hint of this in the beginning. I know the fact that Sullivan's dresstyle but i completely forgot about that. I think what will stand out and noticeable will be his way of walk. Something to consider. But everything was top notch.  Good work.

Gabe

Gabe,

Thanks for the reading.  

I wanted Sullivan's style of dress to give off kind of a "What's up with him?"  vibe without completely revealing it.

I hadn't thought about the walking aspect of it since I pictured him and O'Fallon walking through the crowd at a rather slow pace anyway.

   I haven't really been a fan of zombie films since I was little, but I'll learn to become a fan again if more people turn them into boxing flicks.  It was definately a unique and creative idea.

   There might have been a few instances that went cheesily over the top, (even for a zombie story), but other than that, I enjoyed it and it was very well written.  Woohoo, I finally came across a script that didn't have any camera directions!

   Personally, I would've liked to see Hollis fight back against Sullivan a little bit more, though, maybe stick a finger through a gooey eye or something like that, but that's probaby just my selfish gory side shining through.

   It was definately unique and peaked my interest.  Being new to the site, I'll check out some of the past things you've written.

   -Mark

Thanks for the read RC.  There have been a lot of zombie scripts popping up, so I thought I'd try something different in that regard.

Hollis fighting back some would have been cool I agree, but I wanted to portray him as being pretty afraid at what's going on and just trying to get out.

Regarding some of my other work, I've got plenty of it on here...some definitely better than others, but hopefully you'll manage to find something else you like.

I read this the other day and like it. I had no issues with the afrementioned descriptions. Your other work has spot-on dialog, comes off like real world stuff, same with this one. The story is just what it is; I suppose it's take it or leave it. Like Saving Ryan's Privates. Yeah, we don't want Captain Miller to die in the end. Doggone if that P-51 couldn't have shown up just 5 minutes earlier? But that's life. And that's life when you shove a Zombie in the ring with mortals. Interesting concept and how else would it play? It would play like this. And the wrangler is a good-for-nothing in a world full of them. The atmosphere is lawless in some respects, like Thunderdome. So he can get away with it. Interesting exercise, I thought. Not as exciting for me as THRILL OF THE HUNT, but still interesting.

Thatnks fo rthe read Randy, and I'm glad you liked it.  Interesting you should mention Thunderdome...I thought about that myself when I wrote this.

I guess I tried to portray the story in a way that I would react if I were this character or that character, which I guess makes it more realistic, but does take away from the excitement factor.

I was wondering what else of mine you had read based on your post from before.  I guess Thrill of the Hunt is as good as any when it comes to my short stuff.

I've read most of the shorts. Nothing long yet. Pure laziness when you are presented with a short at the same time, lol.

Hey Mike I really liked this one, I think it is the best of your recent scripts, I also think it's the most descriptive, you sure have a lot of descriptions in here, maybe a little too much, but still it.

This kinda reminded me a little mad max beyond thunderdome, I was hoping to see Master Blaster, that would have been awesome :D

I liked the gore, you didn't really hold back which is nice, you need good gore in a zombie story.

I liked how you introduced Sullivan as a Zombie, quite a surprise, I didn't know this was going to be a Zombie story, but it also didn't feel tact on, you did it the right way.

All in all a good script, like I said before I think it is the best of your recent scripts, so good work.

Thanks for the read Jordan.

Yeah, I'll admit that my shorts have been hit or miss as of late, some like one and not another, but I guess that's all part of writing.  You can definitely never please everybody.

You're the second person to mention Thunderdome, and I did think about that as I was writing, but I wanted to give it a Fight Club type feel as well where it's more underground but with betting.

I wanted Sullivan to be a really big surprise, which I guess is the purpose for the odd title and pun-filled logline.  I'm glad it didn't come off as being out of place.

Somebody has asked me if I could possibly extend this, and I might end up doing it if everything turns out alright.  My idea for an extension would put this script in the middle of the story.

Thanks again.

"Weird, but good."

Hey Mike, I think I may have read this before. Anyways I liked it.

It's a very interesting take on the zombie genre. I also liked how the other fighter was so close to escaping, then heart attack of all things makes 'short work' of him.

Some of the dialogue runs alittle long, but that's no big deal.

I agree with Phil about how quickly everyone accepts thata Zombie is in the ring.

Loved the end. Overall, good work. Wouldn't mind seeing a sequel.

~Zack~

hey, was curious so i took a look.  might repeat what others have said.  i thought it was well written although, as others have mentioned, the description was too wordy.  the characters did interest me and you had some funny lines, but i'm not sure the end of it works for me.  i thought hollis was killed off too easily, and then so was lyle.   it would be more interesting if we at least think they are gonna escape at some point.  and the end was a little too convenient i felt.  it interested me, but i think you should maybe set up your climax and resolution a little more

Mike,

I came very close to liking/loving this story.
Yes, it's true about the descriptions, but for me part of the problem was the 3-4 lines of descriptive paragraphs that starts your script.  That's pretty daunting.  As some have mentioned, if you can break some of that up it would be to your best interest.
Rather than go over what you've already read, I'll take this in a new direction.
I wanted the whole 9 yards of pre-fight hype, the fight and the gory ending. You gave us the latter, but not enough of the hype and battle.
  
First, I think Lyle should lead his fighter into the ring.
You know, the puny little manager leading his beast to the battleground.
I liked some of the stuff with Lyle raising his arms and a hush falling over the crowd. Cool.
And then Lyle lowers his arms, while Hollis raises his and cuts loose a roar.
Now that's showmanship.  And I wanted more, more, more...of it.
As a longtime pro wrestling and boxing fan, I can appreciate the hype that brings color to the contest/sport.
I wanted to see an announcer do his thing with the introductions: a la Michael Buffer or Jimmy Lennon.
You know, "... in this corner, hailing from parts unknown, weighing in at 300 pounds, undefeated in 25 fights, with 25 knockouts..."

I wanted to know that Hollis was the man.  That he was undefeated and feared nobody.
Sullivan and his mask was a nice touch.  Although masked wrestlers are fairly common today, especially in the Mexican wrestling circuit, there is still something mysterious and dangerous with a guy in a mask.

Spoilers***

But don't have O'Fallon remove the mask before the fight.  When I read that, I was like WTF.

O'Fallon is a businessman.  He is after the $$ and the best way to win that is to keep his fighter's ID a secret -- as long as possible.  This would ensure him of future matches.  
So no removal of the mask.  Let that happen during the fight.

And then I wanted Hollis to battle Sullivan.  Throw everything he's got at him.  After a few minutes, Hollis will figure out his best moves and punches are not slowing his opponent down.
Hollis' last move is to rip the mask off of Sully.
Ever see Samson (Santo) vs. the Vampire Women"?  Pretty cheesy stuff, but I love that scene of Santo battling a masked werewolf in the squared circle.  Nobody knows it's a werewolf until the mask comes off.  Hokey, but it was great fun.

Once everybody sees what is beneath the mask, well that's when Hollis goes little girl on us.
That's when you're comedic style can take over.
Maybe the crowd will think the zombie stuff is all an act.
It won't be until Sullivan turns the cage into a gorefest that everybody will know this is the real deal.

Oh yeah, the Hollis-Sullivan fight should be the main event.  You mentioned that there were other bouts to follow, but this fight is what the crowd came to see.

I didn't care for Lyle knowing Sullivan before hand.  No big deal.  Just the way I preferred it to play out.
How about if O'Fallon has a new look.  Something sinister in his dress.  Something to suggest to us he has gone over to the dark side.  Lyle could then comment on O'Fallon looking like a Halloween act.

I didn't like O'Fallon shooting Sullivan.  I would have preferred that somebody else pull the trigger.  O'Fallon can then deal with the shooter on his terms.  And in the end, I wanted to see that look on O'Fallon's face; that look that says "I'll be back... with a new fighter."  This could happen as the crowd goes berserk trying to flee the warehouse.

If Sully hadn't dined out Hollis, I thought it would be cool to bring back Hollis back as Sully's tag-team partner the next week, Haha.

And if O'Fallon's complaint about Sully trying to  bite him, slap a muzzle on the beast.  Sullivan can always tear it off later.

Good stuff that could be even better.  If you can tap into the colorful world of wrestling/boxing hype before you go for the jugular, I think this piece will be bloody delicious.  And it would still leave you with fertile ground for comedy, too.

Abe

Hey guys,

Thanks for looking.  There was brief period last year where zombie stories seemed to be going up quite a bit, but people were trying to put a different spin on it.  This was my offering.  Overall, I'm fairly happy with the end result, but there are some things that I would probably change going forward.

I do think that there is some excessive description, especially early on, but I put in a little more effort than usual to establish the scene.  Maybe too much.

dkw,

I think there's somewhat of a feeling in there that Hollis would escape.  He did get to the top of the cage after all.

Abe,

I'm glad you liked the way I used Lyle lowering his arms and Hollis raising his.  One of the reasons I wrote this was to get a little bit of practice in for a feature I plan on doing.  No zombies involved in that one, but it has the underground/unsanctioned fight thing going on, so at least I know I'm on the right track.

I haven't seen Santo vs. The Vampire Women, but it sounds right up my alley.  I'll have to see if I can find it.

I like the idea with having the mask coming off during the fight.  I struggled a little bit  with the reveal during the initial writing, and I think what I have works, but that could make it a lot better.

I'll be sure to look back to it when I work on this or my other script.

Thanks for reading.

Mike,

You can check out that wrestling scene between Santo and the masked werewolf.  This film was really heavy on the cheese, as you will see.  The wrestling scene is only about 12 seconds long and comes at the 2:28 mark of the clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJ3d0nW_vE0

Yeah, that was pretty much awesome.

Definitely right up my alley, but then again, I'm the guy slowly making his way through the entire Something Weird catalog.