Skits by Sean - Comedy - For years, a raunchy college student has successfully suppressed the worst influence in his life- a voice in his head brought on by schizophrenia. However, after he catches his roommate kissing the love of his life, the voice returns, forcing him to undergo a night of mayhem and destruction. Alcohol, foreign porn stars, and even a hostage standoff makes this a Saint Patrick’s Day Donovan Kelly will never forget. 82 pages - doc, format 8)

This one of the funniest things I ever read. I could see it and it was damn funny

Thanks for the positive feedback. I plan on doing some rewrites eventually. Is there anything you didn't like or something you would like to see in future drafts?

I'm looking for any feedback on this script. It was my first attempt ever at writing so any comments would be appreciated. Especially if you didn't like it and have ideas to make it better.

You could try reading other people's scripts.  Get involved in a review exchange or two.  That's how people read your work.


Phil

Sean,

Awesome read, succinctly put.  The dialogue was authentic-sounding, and it was well-tailored to each character.  The banter between Mike and Donny, in particular, really stood out - hilarious.  

By page 13, I began to wonder if what you really have here is a great idea for a pilot.  I’ve grown so accustomed to the structure of a feature that I find myself asking, what was Donny’s misbehavior that he needs to overcome in the story?  We know his motivation, we know he’s an asshole, but he’s also schizophrenic.  It complicates matters – not necessarily in a bad way – because the humor is still there.  But by the end of the script, I’m not quite sure if Donny grew as a character, whether an internal goal was achieved, and if any relevant theme was paid off.

But all of that goes out the window when I think of Skits as a pilot episode for HBO or Showtime.  You’ve created a rich enough cast of characters that I could see them each week, working through yet another escapade.  I see it more that way than a standalone feature, IMHO.

One of the dialogue highlights: Scientists wanted to study me but I was worried it would cut into my community service and bear fighting.

Here are some specific notes/nitpicky stuff:

1. Looks like you're missing an action line on page 3, following: EXT. OUTSIDE – DAY (FLASHBACK).  A visual to go with the VO.

2. From page 4, some punctuation for the following would probably help it read better: "Don’t get me wrong I didn’t completely abandon him."  Maybe a period after wrong, or a comma.

3. At the bottom of page 7, probably a little description of Dr. Macdonald and the Secretary before their dialogue begins.

4. She takes a deep breathe, then goes and opens her office door. (page 10), you can take off the "e" in breathe.

5. You might want to cap the drug addicts that enter the room on page 14.

6. Mike stars at Donovan in disbelief at how stupid he is.  Missing an E in stars. (page 18)

7. Just personal preference, but I would keep the character name consistent - meaning, if you're going to use DONNY in dialogue, I'd probably refer to him as Donny in action lines.

8. People talk amongst themselves before class beings.  I think you mean begins. (page 23)

9. You end with a slugline at the bottom of page 41; would cheat that down to the next page.

10. At the bottom of p. 46, you’ve got a wryly after dialogue; my understanding is that that’s a no-no, much to my own chagrin. Also, another slugline that hangs at the bottom of the page.


I would read the script out loud; that would help pick out any omitted words in dialogue, stuff like that.  Again, Sean, this was an enjoyable read.  I hope my comments help, and let me know if you have any questions.

Best,

Tony

Thanks Tony for the feedback. I just looked at this script for the first time in about a month the other day and I realized a lot of the things you said, especially with the grammer.