Sean,
Awesome read, succinctly put. The dialogue was authentic-sounding, and it was well-tailored to each character. The banter between Mike and Donny, in particular, really stood out - hilarious.
By page 13, I began to wonder if what you really have here is a great idea for a pilot. I’ve grown so accustomed to the structure of a feature that I find myself asking, what was Donny’s misbehavior that he needs to overcome in the story? We know his motivation, we know he’s an asshole, but he’s also schizophrenic. It complicates matters – not necessarily in a bad way – because the humor is still there. But by the end of the script, I’m not quite sure if Donny grew as a character, whether an internal goal was achieved, and if any relevant theme was paid off.
But all of that goes out the window when I think of Skits as a pilot episode for HBO or Showtime. You’ve created a rich enough cast of characters that I could see them each week, working through yet another escapade. I see it more that way than a standalone feature, IMHO.
One of the dialogue highlights: Scientists wanted to study me but I was worried it would cut into my community service and bear fighting.
Here are some specific notes/nitpicky stuff:
1. Looks like you're missing an action line on page 3, following: EXT. OUTSIDE – DAY (FLASHBACK). A visual to go with the VO.
2. From page 4, some punctuation for the following would probably help it read better: "Don’t get me wrong I didn’t completely abandon him." Maybe a period after wrong, or a comma.
3. At the bottom of page 7, probably a little description of Dr. Macdonald and the Secretary before their dialogue begins.
4. She takes a deep breathe, then goes and opens her office door. (page 10), you can take off the "e" in breathe.
5. You might want to cap the drug addicts that enter the room on page 14.
6. Mike stars at Donovan in disbelief at how stupid he is. Missing an E in stars. (page 1
7. Just personal preference, but I would keep the character name consistent - meaning, if you're going to use DONNY in dialogue, I'd probably refer to him as Donny in action lines.
8. People talk amongst themselves before class beings. I think you mean begins. (page 23)
9. You end with a slugline at the bottom of page 41; would cheat that down to the next page.
10. At the bottom of p. 46, you’ve got a wryly after dialogue; my understanding is that that’s a no-no, much to my own chagrin. Also, another slugline that hangs at the bottom of the page.
I would read the script out loud; that would help pick out any omitted words in dialogue, stuff like that. Again, Sean, this was an enjoyable read. I hope my comments help, and let me know if you have any questions.
Best,
Tony