Jeremiad by Christopher Reid (Xtopher) - Short, Horror - Jeremie enters a mysterious mansion and discovers that he has the ability to walk on air.  As he explores the mansion, strange music begins to play and he’s determined to find out where it’s coming from.  4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Well, this script was really interesting. Very weird, which I liked.

I noticed a couple of formatting errors and spelling mistakes. Your opening paragraph doesn't have any spaces between full stops and the beginning of new sentences and you have written "muzak" instead of "music" on page one, but those are minor things. The twist at the end I saw coming. But I wasn't disappointed, because I don't think you were really intending to blow us all away with a mind-bending plot twist. It was well set up and obvious if you think about it, but it's not a bad ending by any stretch of the imagination.

You had some very strong visuals in the script, particularly the funeral sequence. The way you described the decaying mourners was very spooky. The way their eyes are bleeding and the colour of their skin, very vivid imagary there. I saw it very clearly in my head and I liked it a lot. Overall, an interesting read. At three pages, you've created something that reads well, and it is enjoyable. Considering there is no dialogue, this would work very well as something purely visual. I'd love to see this one put together. Well done, Chris.


Matt.

Hey Chris

Typo page 1, you missed 'an' when it reads '...left of the photo sits old man in a...'

Muzak? music I think.

Jeremie touches down outside the elevator and then again inside, did he take off again?

You have some format issues but nothing major, spacing really.  After full stops sometimes you space and sometimes not.  Mainly though you need to tighten this up, you have too many unecassary words in your action.

This was ok but I wanna know some more info like, how did he die and why is he trapped in the mansion.  I know this might result in you losing some of the mystery so it's your call.

The ending I saw coming probably because you have Jeremie floating about, if he walked it might prolong the surprise, oh and finally why's this called 'Jeremiad'?  Don't get it.

Just a note for the above posters: Muzak is the trademark name for a particular type of music - the generic background music played in stores, restaurants, elevators, etc. It’s sometimes called “elevator music.” Actually it should be capitalized and the elevator adjective is unnecessary.

I thought it looked really good technically. I didn’t see anything that stuck out. So good job on that.

****SPOILERS****

As for the story, well, it was a bit odd. I felt it was fairly predictable that Jeremie would see himself in the coffin. The rest was unpredictable, though. I don’t quite know what to make of it. I would say Jeremie is dead and doesn’t see it, based on his corpse in the coffin and the missing eyes in the picture. But there was another character in the photo with missing eyes - the old man in the wheelchair - who is never seen outside the picture, so who knows?

As best as I can tell this is meant to be just a visual thing, possibly based on an actual dream the author had. There isn’t much to say. If a director wants to make a weird indiscernible short just to show off some bizarre images, here’s the script. Actually, I think this would work better as an animated short.


Breanne

Quoted from Breanne Mattson Muzak is the trademark name for a particular type of music - the generic background music played in stores, restaurants, elevators, etc. It’s sometimes called “elevator music.”

My mistake, I never heard that term before, maybe it's an American thing?

Quoted from chism Well, this script was really interesting. Very weird, which I liked. I noticed a couple of formatting errors and spelling mistakes. Your opening paragraph doesn't have any spaces between full stops and the beginning of new sentences and you have written "muzak" instead of "music" on page one, but those are minor things.

Ha. ‘Very weird’. That’s what your mate Alex Cooper said about one of my other scripts. Maybe I’m a weirdo. Lol.  Anyway, thanks for pointing out the technical errors and thanks for the review.

Quoted from alffy Hey Chris Jeremie touches down outside the elevator and then again inside, did he take off again? The ending I saw coming probably because you have Jeremie floating about, if he walked it might prolong the surprise, oh and finally why's this called 'Jeremiad'?  Don't get it.

He touched down in front of the elevator and then glided inside and touched down inside the elevator.

I like the idea of having him walk around the mansion. You’re right that probably would prolong the surprise.  

Jeremiad \jair-uh-MY-uhd\, noun:
A tale of sorrow, disappointment, or complaint; a doleful story; also, a dolorous or angry tirade.

Thanks for the review Alffy.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson As for the story, well, it was a bit odd. I felt it was fairly predictable that Jeremie would see himself in the coffin. The rest was unpredictable, though. I don’t quite know what to make of it. I would say Jeremie is dead and doesn’t see it, based on his corpse in the coffin and the missing eyes in the picture. But there was another character in the photo with missing eyes - the old man in the wheelchair - who is never seen outside the picture, so, who knows? As best as I can tell this is meant to be just a visual thing, possibly based on an actual dream the author had. There isn’t much to say. If a director wants to make a weird indiscernible short just to show off some bizarre images, here’s the script.

Thanks for explaning Muzak, Breanne.

You were spot on about the dream. I’d just finished reading a good book called ‘American Purgatorio’ so the theme of purgatory was on my mind, when I dreamt that I was walking on air inside a mansion. That was the start of the story and I made up the rest.

The old man with the missing eyes was another member of the family who had also died. The rest were still alive, so they didn’t have their eyes cut out. The elevator was Jeremie’s opportunity to go to his next destination, but he got scared and went back out. So I guess the theme is purgatory and the denial of death.

As for making it into a film, it could make an interesting show reel for a budding cinematographer wanting to show off their skills.

Thanks for the review.

Christopher,
I am not sure about this one. There are some creepy details, the eyes of the photo the MUZAK. It might be cool to consider a more specific choice of muzak, like Air Supply (I'm all out of love) or Don Mclean (American Pie.)

Without any dialog or characterization I don't know why you chose to make a screenplay. The idea is cool, but seems suited more towards a short story or sudden fiction. It could be expanded from an interesting (though hardly original) idea to a longer piece of literature. Thanks for the read.

Hi Harry,

I wanted to have a go at purely visual story, so, it is what it is. I could expand it by having Jeremie visit different rooms in the mansion and see various stages of his life play out in each of the rooms. It could be like his life was flashing before his eyes.

Maybe he could go into a kid’s room at the start and see a scene from his childhood and so on. Perhaps as he continued to go from room to room we could see the various stages of his life leading up to his death, which would be revealed in the Muzak room. The Burt Lancaster movie 'The Swimmer' unfolds in a similar way.
However, I suspect if I was to do that it would probably blow out into a feature length script which isn't what I had in mind for this, but you never know, maybe somewhere down the track I'll have a go at it.

Thanks for your feedback, Harry.  

Quoted from Takeshi Ha. 'Very weird'. That's what your mate Alex Cooper said about one of my other scripts.

Yeah. Sounds like something he'd say.

Anyway, if you got other scripts on the site, PM me with a link, I'd love to give some of your other stuff a read.  ;D


Matt.

Hey Xtopher,

I thought this was fairly good, a tad wordy though (you could trim a little of the descriptions away), for a four pager I think it took a little too long to read.

The story itself was really weird but that's okay, it felt like recuring dream.

About the scene where he's looking at the picture, I think it would help if you put an INSERT PICTURE in there. I know it's kind of technical (and I don't usually use INSERT in my scripts) but I think it would actually help here. Anyway, just a thought.

Good work

Cheers
Rob

It's funny you should mention that Rob. I actually deliberated over putting an insert in for that scene. I'll try it when a do rewrite and see if it works.

Thanks for the feedback.    

You could also just set up a new action line in ALL CAPS
_______________________________________________________

INT. EMPTY ROOM - NIGHT

Jeremy stops in front of the mantle piece and picks up a photograph

PHOTOGRAPH

He sees himelf standing in the middle...
________________________________________________________


I prefer this rather than INSERT. It just conserves language and gives a clear idea of what is on screen. It works best for things like televison screens, because INSERT TELEVISION seems awkward.

_______________________________________________________

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Karen is channel surfing

TELEVISION SCREEN

Home shopping network, MTV cribs, a clown juggling cats, a hair restoration infomercial.
________________________________________________________

I had a lot of fun visulizing   everything you had in this script. Lots of vivid. imagintive stuff going on here.

My favourite  was when he goes into the elevator and as the doors close all power and lights go off and when he panics and opens the door again the lights come back on again. Very kooky.

Plus the mourners all sitting in a row with blood weeping out of their eye sockets was like the musical Pink Floyd's The Wall but cranked up by ten.

Thanks, Harry. I'll try that when I do the rewrite and see how it looks.

Thanks for the positive feedback,Tonka. I'm glad you liked it.

I liked it. I mean, the ending was particularly unsatisfying and didn't make much sense. I comprehend that he's experiencing a constant loop until he finally accepts death or at least that was my interpretation but generally, I didn't feel anything for the character. Perhaps that was the point but regardless, I didn't really feel anything for him. Although, I feel it'd be a terrific visual fest and put in the right hands could kick major ass but there's still that disconnection. Anyway, I liked it. I dug your writing style. I think you could've added a little more in terms of what the character's expressions were just to give us a hint of what he was feeling, something like that but I liked it. Keep writing. Good effort.

Wow. You liked it but found the ending particularly unsatisfying. Now there's a comment you won't read in many reviews.

You're spot on with your interpretation of the ending. Jeremie is stuck in limbo because he won't let go.

It doesn't surprise me that you didn't feel much for the character. It's pretty hard to warm to a non speaking character who you've only known for three pages.

I agree with what you said about it making a good visual piece. As I said in an earlier post, a budding cinematographer could use this to make an interesting show reel.

Thanks for the review.

Hey Chris, this was a pretty interesting short, one with no dialogue, and I thought that it worked, which can be hard to do, but there were a lot of visuals that kept it moving.

I'm Guessing that Jeremie is in purgatory or something, at least that what it seemed like to me, or maybe hell I guess, it had kind of a twilight zone kinda feel to it.

I did see the end coming though, I knew once at the funeral service that it was going to be his body in the coffin.

Seemed like a couple times you didn't put a space after your periods like page 2

"He sees himself standing in the middle of the group wearing
a navy blue suit.He frowns as he......."

anyways this was a pretty Good and it had a creepy vibe to it.

The others seem to have covered most of the technical errors and such so...

This was an interesting read though I won't say good or bad. I think it suffers, as most scripts like this do, from being short. You have to use the space you have wisely if you want to construct a coherent story, which is also short. I was able to predict the ending. You use a lot of conventions that would suggest Jeremie is dead. But I don't understand what he's doing in a mansion or what the deal is with the light and the muzak and such. I don't understand the point of the elevator either considering Jeremie doesn't even take it to its destination.

Overall, too many questions and not enough answers. The atmosphere you've created is interesting but you need more. I'd recommend expanding upon this.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I did see the end coming though, I knew once at the funeral service that it was going to be his body in the coffin.

Sure it's fairly predictable that Jeremie's body is in the coffin, but that's not really the twist. The twist is that the scenario is a reoccurring one.
  

Quoted from James McClung You use a lot of conventions that would suggest Jeremie is dead. But I don't understand what he's doing in a mansion or what the deal is with the light and the muzak and such. I don't understand the point of the elevator either considering Jeremie doesn't even take it to its destination. Overall, too many questions and not enough answers. The atmosphere you've created is interesting but you need more. I'd recommend expanding upon this.

He left the elevator because the light went out and the Muzak stopped, which scared him.

The light and the Muzak, at the end of the hall, symbolized consciousness/life which was what Jeremie was trying to hold on to or go back to, but all that was left for him  was the realization that his mortal life was over. If I discovered my own dead body, I’d be happy because it would mean that awareness (life) continued after physical death. So perhaps it’s not ceasing to exist that he fears but just change and facing the unknown.  

Regarding the mansion; Jeremie was in a realm he couldn’t comprehend, so his mind molded it into a realm that wasn’t as alien to him as purgatory. So he chose to see a mansion, perhaps somebody else would’ve seen a forest.        

As for all the unanswered questions, I don't mind leaving people with something to speculate over, but I'll also consider what I can do to expand on the story.

Thanks guys.  

                  

Hey!

This was a very good and creepy short! I commend you ability to write this purely through action. I think your descriptions were great and imo this makes up for the absent dialogue or characterization, your descriptions kept the story moving along very well! good job there!

"Elevator muzak begins to play from somewhere in the mansion"

I was once told that the use of "begins" in a script makes it feel rugged, and that person was probably right! Instead of "begins to play" just put "Elevator muzak plays from somewhere in the house" Thats Not major though and i may well be wrong, but thats just what i would do lol. Anyway, just thought i'd throw my two cents in!

Again, very good and creepy short! Good luck with future writing!!

Quoted from Bates I was once told that the use of "begins" in a script makes it feel rugged, and that person was probably right! Instead of "begins to play" just put "Elevator muzak plays from somewhere in the house" Thats Not major though and i may well be wrong, but thats just what i would do lol. Anyway, just thought i'd throw my two cents in!

You're right, Bates. I thought about this when I was writing the script, but decided not to worry about it. I'll fix it up when I write the next draft.

Thanks for the review.

Hi Chris,

Read through this one today. I'm not sure what to say. It wasn't bad, but I can't say I totally understood it either.

I've read through the comments here and I guess I saw this a little differently than most of the others. I kind of saw this as a horror "Groundhog Day". Maybe I'm weird.  ;D

I thought the elevator was a symbol of going either up (heaven) or down (hell) thing and that Jeremie got spooked because the lights and muzak ended when the doors shut, he thought the elevator would go down rather than up.

The mourners were creepy, but I saw Jeremie in the coffin coming a mile away.

I agree with Sniper that you could trim some of your descriptions to make it a faster read.

Anyway, this was interesting, even if I didn't really get it.

Pia :-)

Quoted from tomson I thought the elevator was a symbol of going either up (heaven) or down (hell) thing and that Jeremie got spooked because the lights and muzak ended when the doors shut, he thought the elevator would go down rather than up. The mourners were creepy, but I saw Jeremie in the coffin coming a mile away. Pia :-)

Thanks for the read, Pia. You're pretty much on the money with the elevator scene. Only I think Jeremie was frightened because he was afraid of the unknown, not going to hell. However, it's definitely wide open to interpretation.

I thought the mourners were creepy too. I've always found missing eyes on corpses and photos particularly scary, so I wanted throw that in. As for Jeremie being in the coffin, it wasn't my intention for it to be the major surprise, the surprise was that it was a reoccurring situation.

I'll definitely take some suggestions on board and rewrite this at some stage.

Thanks   :)    

I like the idea of doing a pure visual piece. It's something i want to do, but never have time to.

The only problem with a visual only piece is that it can come off as a short story.
Especially when you're wordy in your details. But as for the story, i enjoyed it. Seemed like a dream i had.

Chomico,

It seems the general consensus is that it's a bit wordy. I'll see what I can do to tighten it up.

Thanks for the read.