Graduation by Austin Bennett (absteel) - Short - A father helps his son get ready for his graduation. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting, but... this is the first draft. I submitted a second draft a day or two later. Did you not get it?

Uh, I don't know if you're gonna take my critcism seriously because you've already written a second draft, but I hope you changed the story drastically because...nothing really happens here.

You're formatting and dialogue are spot on as always, but you seem to lack the ability to tell a story.  That just felt like a scene in the middle of a movie.

I don't know, I'll wait until I read the second draft before I post a more in-depth response.  

Quoted from ABennettWriter ... this is the first draft...

That's why we tell people not to post first drafts.  You should only post what you feel is your best work.

I read this before I saw your comment -- and like hoody up there -- I will reserve judgment until a new draft goes up.

But I do hope you've changed it up a bit.

I suppose Seth can come behind me and tell me I have no appreciation for subtlety -- but, darn it -- I am getting tired of reading shorts where nothing happens.

If you are going to write a five-page script, you need to justify its existence with some kind of payoff.

I have decided that is my opinion and I do not think I will change my mind.

Honestly, not much happens in the second draft. It's just a little more sentimental.

I'm beginning to come to the bitter realization that I'm a sucky storyteller. I think I'm better suited as a teacher.

Thanks for reading, though.

Quoted from ABennettWriter I'm beginning to come to the bitter realization that I'm a sucky storyteller. I think I'm better suited as a teacher.

Actually this is probably more a reflection of the stage you're presently at with your writing.  I call it, unoffically, stage two.  Stage one is when you're just starting out.  You're cocky and naively think everything you write is going to be brilliant.  Then stage two hits you and you come to the awful realization that, in fact, you actually suck.  Once you get through this though, you enter stage three which is where you officially become a writer.

How long does stage two last? Whether it is, or not, I'm going to take your reply as a compliment.

Hey AB,

It was a good scene. Dialogue not bad. It just wasn't a story. Just a glimpse of one. If that was your intention, then good show. If not, you need to realize that your characters have no arc, and while it was written well, nothing happens. People think shorts are easier and in a lot of respects they are but it can also be really difficult to tell a real story in such a limited amount of pages.

Quoted from ABennettWriter How long does stage two last? Whether it is, or not, I'm going to take your reply as a compliment.

We're probably talking years here - a good year of serious, nose to the grindstone writing anyway before you start to regain a bit of that confidence you lost - at least my experience anyway.  It's probably different for each person though.  You gotta write though - that's the key.

All this negativity you get now is bruising but it's also invaluable.  You learn more in this stage than in any other.  

Writing is a process so time is really beside the point.  These stages I've come up with are pretty arbitrary anyway.  




[EDIT] Since I'm here I was going to review your script but the link doesn't seem to be working - at least for me anyway

Austin,

Your format is clean.  Descriptions are tight.  However, I've gotta agree with what's already been posted.  This just feels like the first scene of a larger story.  You dropped what could potentially be interesting plot threads (the son's reluctance to let go of his childhood, a dead mother, the morose father.)  You might just have a deep, character-driven piece about loss underneath this opening.    

Oh, and what's with this lack of confidence in your writing ability??  Self doubt tries to poison the minds of all writers.  When it hits there are only one of two things you can do.  Give into it and in your case teach or fight it, get writing and use it to improve yourself one story at a time.  I've taken a few screenwriting courses but most of my knowledge on the subject came from books.  There are great books on screenwriting craft and technique out there.  My advice, if you want to put the time in to improve, is read as many books on the subject as you can.  Also, make use of simplyscripts.  Read as many, authentic screenplays as possible.  Not transcripts but actual, properly formatted shooting scripts.  Read scripts of your favorite movies and see how scenes that played out onscreen were originally written.  Just by reading scripts you'll learn valuable lessons in plotting, story arc, dialogue and structure.  Plus, I've only been here a short time but there is a great community here of people who will offer you their advice, insight and assistance.

You did alright, Austin.  Keep that pen moving!

Pete
        

Austin,

I don't know if this was the second (or later drafts) that I read, but I enjoyed it.  The story is extremely simple and I mean that in a good way.  The characterization is there and it's very believable.

While I would extend this a little, I wouldn't add additional scenes to it.  It should just be about Jonah (and Phi) getting ready for graduation.


Phil

This was well written, easy to follow.  It had at its centre an emotional anchor to hold it all together as well.

The ending is a little ambiguous though - and I think this is why others are saying that nothing much happens or that it feels incomplete.  This is easily fixable though.  

I get what this story is about.  Jonah's dealing with a tragedy in his life.  He feels lost but must take that first step and forge ahead.  I guess therefore, Jonah's graduation can be seen as both literal and metaphorical.  The final scene where he takes to the stage to accept his diploma should be the climatic moment of your story yet it feels sort of glossed-over almost.  There's no sense of anticipation, anxiety or nervousness from him.  We're sort of left to fill in the blanks a bit here if you know what I mean?

Just my opinion of course but if you fix this I'd say it'll add a lot more punch to your story.

-Mike

Thanks for reading.

Don's posting the second draft tonight. I didn't make a lot of changes. Just made it more emotional, I think.

I've been thinking about what I would do in the third draft, and I think y'all will like the changes. I don't know when I'll actually start writing it, though, as I'm 40 pages into a new script.

I'm glad y'all like it.

Hey Austin,

I noticed your post at MP. I promised I would read it so I will, but I honestly didn't notice this one. I was still waiting for it to be posted. I'll read it tomorrow no problem... Feel free to read Old Wounds. That was my MP entry for the "One" assignment.

Pia :-)

I'll try to get to Old Wounds later tonight.

Thanks for reading Graduation!

PS: The second draft is up!

Austin,

I guess this one was for the ring, button and coin assignment at MP. Too bad you didn't submit it on time.

I would have given this one a "good". Having said that, I feel that I also have to tell you that that would be mostly due to the writing and formatting. Story wise, this one didn't realy grab me.

I felt like I knew early on what was going on and where it was heading. Part of that being due to the title.

Like others have said before me, I do get the sentimental/emotional part, but I still don't think it is a story.

Don't doubt your own writing though. We all doubt our abilities from time to time.

Btw, why did Chris not let you post your comments?

Pia

He said they were too harsh. I'm working on it, though. My comments this month are a lot nicer, except I'm stuck on one script and it's bringing out my bad side!

I appreciate your feedback.

I love that puppy, is it yours?

Its so adorable.

Thanks, chomico! That's our Shia. He's a 7 week old American Eskimo. I wanted to name him Iggy (as in Igloo) but Ivan wouldn't let me.

So how goes the potty training?

We actually don't have him yet. He's still got three weeks with the breeder before he gets to come home.





[Bert's Edit:  Very cute dog, Steel, but enough with the puppy chat...you, too, Chomico]

Great dialogue. Unfortunately, there's no real story surrounding it. There's conflict, but not much else.

With the right idea, I could really see one of your scripts selling fast because your dialogue is so natural. This short feels like a smaller scene from a bigger film, like Peter Parker talking to Aunt May after his graduation in the first SPIDER-MAN.

I don't think this needs more work or a rewrite because there's nothing else you can do with it.

Keep writing.

You've probably heard enough about the no story stuff already, which is true,  but I haven't seen anybody make mention of what this really is...

A pretty good writing sample.

There's a lot of instances where writers need to provide short samples of their abilities, and I think this would showcase your skills quite well.

Granted, most people would think it's a scene from a larger movie, but that's beside the point.

Think positive.  When life hands you lemons, make orange juice, and really screw with people's heads.

In regards to the cycles that a writer goes through regarding their abilities, I've never had that problem.  I always thought my work was good and that everyone else was stupid. ;D

Either way, no matter what you think of your writing, it all changes when you start getting emails about possible production.

Thanks, Shelton. I wondered when you were going to pop in.

Nice job, Abs-

Good looking script with natural dialogue that doesn't seem forced at all...Characters are completely believable, honest and sympathetic within thier situation.

Joe

Looking at the other posts, (after writing mine) I thought there was a story here, albiet a short one- It has a beginning (Sad about his mom's picture) a middle (getting the tie on with his dad) and ending (the final graduation)...Granted, it's not Citizen Kane high drama, but it seems to me a convincing snapshop of something that happened on an important day in Jonah's life...Even though there's not alot of physical action happening, I did get a sense of the internal conflict of the characters, dealing with this day and the fact that his mom wasn't there (at least physically, anyways) to see it.

Hey Austin,

This one's way better then that 'Coming out' thing you did. It's simple, it's straight (no pun intended) forward and it doesn't promise more than it delivers.

I think there's a story here but I think it could have been structured a little better cos' it doesn't really peak. I feel that if you brought the Father more into the game, give him an emotional subplot, then that would round it up better. As it is now, the Father it pretty much...just there.

What I got from your script is that the Father obvoiusly still hurts from the death of his wife, but I think you should have brought it in earlier. It doesn't really have an impact as it is.

Anyways, just a suggestion. Good work.

Cheers
Rob

Dear AB,

Your second paragraph, immediately I see a problem.  A seventeen year old JONAH lies in bed.  Don't add that.  Just say Jonah, (17) lies in bed.  Now Phil, age you wrote fine, but is wearing a suit.  Keep it to present tense.  Wears and carries.  Not wearing and carrying.

His eyes beaming with pride?  I don't know, I just don't think you can really show that by saying that.  You could say he smiles and then HE says he's proud and his mother would be proud too and what not, but that's just me.

Apart from a few grammatical errors, your dialogue was strong and very believable.  But there's one central problem I see, lack of plot.  I definitely see a potential plot with the mothers' apparent death, and them weeping about her, you could extend a bit and add some more to do with the mother to add story, that's about all I can really say.  

Not bad, also, if this is the second draft, that's fine, if it's the first and you say you're working on the second, I apologize.  I just want to make sure I'm reviewing the second draft.

BigK, thanks for reading.

I think it's a little silly to always write in active voice. I think it comes down to what reads better, as I wrote this script to be read, not watched. And I think I did write it in active voice. Phil enters. As he enters, he carries a bag and wears a suit. Shortened, that makes "carrying and wearing".

I'm being a little defensive, because I don't like being treated like I'm a beginner. Show me one award winning script that always uses active voice. I don't think you can. And don't tell me that "produced writers blah blah blah", because I'm over that speech.

Who do you know always uses perfect grammar when they speak? I don't know anyone, and I most certainly don't speak perfectly. I think it's unrealistic for a 17-year-old to do it. If you're talking about bad grammar in my descriptions, okay. It's something I need to work on.

As with plot, everyone's said it before. I think it has one. "Dad helps son get ready for his graduation." It might not have explosives, or car chases, or nudity, but both characters do something. They both have a goal, and they achieve it. Methinks that's a plot.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my work, but spare me the David Trottier crap.

Quoted from ABennettWriter BigK, thanks for reading. I think it's a little silly to always write in active voice. I think it comes down to what reads better, as I wrote this script to be read, not watched. And I think I did write it in active voice. Phil enters. As he enters, he carries a bag and wears a suit. Shortened, that makes "carrying and wearing". I'm being a little defensive, because I don't like being treated like I'm a beginner. Show me one award winning script that always uses active voice. I don't think you can. And don't tell me that "produced writers blah blah blah", because I'm over that speech. Who do you know always uses perfect grammar when they speak? I don't know anyone, and I most certainly don't speak perfectly. I think it's unrealistic for a 17-year-old to do it. If you're talking about bad grammar in my descriptions, okay. It's something I need to work on. As with plot, everyone's said it before. I think it has one. "Dad helps son get ready for his graduation." It might not have explosives, or car chases, or nudity, but both characters do something. They both have a goal, and they achieve it. Methinks that's a plot. I appreciate you taking the time to read my work, but spare me the David Trottier crap.

I guess I do see your point, speaking and carrying, all that, man I'm just saying, it's written in present tense, if you want to keep it, that's all your call kiddo.

Grammar, yes, just descriptions man.  I NEVER said the kid uses bad grammar.  I merely said fix the grammar in your descriptions because it adds professionalism and can even save you some space, that is all.

Now plot, again, yes that could be a plot, but it's hard to see that.  And again, I mean that could just be me, I said earlier it was well written, but it was just hard for me to see it.  If I reread it again, I can probably see it too.

So if I came off as offensive, I apologize bud, I had no intention of treating you like a beginner, I never treat anyone in that matter.  I was only trying to offer notes but I suppose if my notes sounded offensive, then I screwed up and I apologize.

I'm sorry if I was a little bitchy.

To quote, "Apart from a few grammatical errors, your dialogue was strong and very believable." As that statement is written, it seems that the dialogue is the one with the grammatical errors.

Quoted from ABennettWriter I'm sorry if I was a little bitchy. To quote, "Apart from a few grammatical errors, your dialogue was strong and very believable." As that statement is written, it seems that the dialogue is the one with the grammatical errors.

I meant within the description and format, not within the dialogue itself.

I hate to echo everyone else in the story aspect, but I have to agree that there's not much there.  I think you could have added 10, heck, even 5 pages and it would have been more rewarding and still under 15 pages.  Regardless, what you've presented here does have a strong sentimental and emotional feel to it.  For what it was, I liked it.

I've read through some of the other comments here and it appears that you wrote this for a competition of some sort?  I think for your next piece you should take a step back and just stare at it for a while.  Take your time.  I've read your three pieces on the site and I think you're an incredibly talented writer, but your one flaw is that I don't think enough time is being put into them to truly show off your abilities.  I mean, this was first posted on November 4th and a new draft was up a week later!

Don't feel the need to rush anything.  Let your writing ability do the job for you.  I look forward to your next piece whenever that may be!

Most of my recent pieces were for a contest, but I'm not entering this month. I guess I go over the script so much when I write, I tend to feel that it's final once I finish it. With my next projects, I'll let them ferment before posting.

Thanks for the boost in confidence, and I added you on Myspace.