The No-No Door by Raymond H. Smith - Short - Jasmyn is about to find out that skeletons in the closet are in the closet for a reason… 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Oh my Heavens! It's hilarious.

I don't think you have to say, "Her mom, MOMMY..." I think "MOMMY ... will suffice." Text  that appears on screen (such as "me", "mommy" and "daddy") need to capitalized in the script.

I loved it.

I feel kinda dirty for thinking she's a big whore.

I'll ditto ABSteel her.

This is a nice sample of a 5 pager.

Good set-up, kept me interested in the middle and good "clean" pay-off. I thought it was going to get real dirty, but you handle it with silly grace.

If this had been at MP I would have given it a 4!

I don't know.  I can understand the mom's reaction to getting busted, but what's with Jasmyn's reaction?  She's definitely not old enough to know who that is, since I think I was about 8 when they were big...loooong ago.  Does this take place in the late 80's?

I liked the way it flowed, and the writing was done pretty well, but after that much build up I would have liked to have seen a payoff that worked from both sides.

The pacing of the story was very well done from the start. Hooked from page one.
I think the little girls dialogue was sometimes a little to grown-up. It always stands out like a sore thumb when movies make the kids sound like adults. (Signs)

Not that you do it alot, but a few places like when she says,

"In fact, I don't think I've ever done anything with my dad."

This line is also confusing and ambiguous. Her saying, "I don't think"... Has she never had a dad around, or is he just neglectful?

Again, I think the writing and pacing is really well done, and I did not expect that ending. I thought she might be dirty as well, or maybe a supernatural twist.

With that said, the script being funny is solely derived from the ending, until then we don't know what we are dealing with. And I just don't think, for that much set-up, that  the punch-line hits hard enough. Not only would she not know who New Kids on the Block are, even if she was old enough to know the joke would be a little soft for such a build-up.  

I like the fact that you carry a serious tone through-out  to emphasize the absurdity of what’s really in the room, but you might want to a shorten it up to a few pages. I think it’s to long for were it goes. Maybe just show us the secret room, the girl, no dad, and punch-line.

In conclusion, great writing, I like the concept itself but the end made me feel a little cheated.

I thought it was a cute little short.  I'm a bit iffy about the ending though - on the one hand it worked it was a surprise and it was an amusing surprise - on the other hand it really could have been much better and taken the piece into a more serious genre.  As it stands now the ending cheapens the story, not that it isn't good, just not as good as it can be.

A few times during the story I had some difficulty with the way Jasmyn spoke.  One of biggest offenders is this example:

I will think about your request and get back to you.

I thought this line was a bit old for Jasmyn. If she learned it from her mom, then you didn't show us.

Well done though.

I thought this was a nicely-written little short.

I have to agree with the others about the ending though. You have a great set-up, with the mystery of what happened to the dad and what's in the pad-locked room, but the final gag fell kinda flat for me - it's embarrassing for the mother, but no more than that, and I doubt an 8 year old would react so strongly.

And, writing "Her mother" is completely redundant - we can guess that easily enough from her name.

'Wow', was the only thing I thought after reading this.  Oh yeah, and I had a big smile on my face.

Personally, I thought this was great.

The brilliant part is what a couple people have been complaining about.  That is was too much of a build-up for that kind of ending.  I thought it was perfect, though.

I couldn't wait to see what was behind the door, and, to me, it wasn't a let-down.

Honestly, I think you'll also get a great reaction from the audience if this were on screen.  Anybody old enough to remember NKOTB would laugh their asses off at this.

- Mark

QUICK POP TRIVIA:



Anybody who remembers this, I'll send them ten dollars through the real mail.  (When I have it.)



What was the original band name for 'New Kids on the Block' before they were known as 'New Kids on the Block'?

Thanks to those who have posted so far.  ABSteel - I'm a little confused by the capitalization thing, but I'm going to assume you are talking about the names on the picture.  Pia - Thanks bunches - I was concerned about my silly grace.  Shelton - I understand.  I really do.  And I think it is perfectly valid.  Punchline - thanks for pointing out the ambiguity.  Mcornetto and James - I'll elaborate in general notes.  rc1107 - Thanks much.

In general, I am still trying to get a complete story in five pages or less.  A big struggle for me.  This is more or less testing out some more ideas and methods for accomplishing just that.  I felt my way through a multitude of possible endings and liked this one the best.  Because the build up was so big.  It does make the scream less natural and an overreaction, but I like that.  Sorry.  I'm still trying to take shorts seriously.  As far as Jasmyn's precociousness, she's less precocious than the few girls I've based her on and one of them is four.  I understand that it's not what we see in movies today.  But, I get frequently irritated at the way children are dumbed down in media.  I know a lot of parents that think they've got a genius on their hands because their kid says and does things they don't even see middle schoolers doing on tv.  I was six or seven when I won grand prize of a writing contest and beat out high-school seniors, and look where I am.

I'm going to make a few of the suggested fixes and probably shoot this someday.  I like the fact that I'm getting the kind of feedback I expected, but at a higher favorable percent than I figured.

In response to Mark's throwdown, I will be willing to match the $10 prize money for the first person willing to post the correct answer for all to see.  I know I'm not going to.  Thanks again, all.  And thanks for posting, Don.  No worries on any lag time.

NYNUK (use the money to help fund independent film making).

'Course I couldn't put anything past a guy with your apparent lack of shame, mcornetto.  Private message me your address and it'll be on it's way, should cover some craft services at least.  Congratulations and... congratulations.

Honestly Raymond, use the money to fund your film.  You too, Mark.  You don't need to send it to me.  As usual, my payment is the satisfaction and pleasure of being the first to answer yet another useless trivia question. ;-)  

Nice, Michael.  And thank you for letting me keep the ten dollars.  My probation officer thanks you more, I'm sure.

Just out of curiosity, though.  Did you know it offhand or did you look it up online?  If you looked it up online, you're a cheat.  If you knew it offhand, you're a nerd.  :-)

Quoted from another_punchline I think the little girls dialogue was sometimes a little to grown-up. It always stands out like a sore thumb when movies make the kids sound like adults.

I meant to comment on this earlier, too.  I don't think Jasmyn's dialogue isn't beyond her years at all.  It's amazing how well children can rationalize situations these days.

Just a couple days ago, I was babysitting a friend's daughter who's six and, well, let's just say the little girl's mother has been fucking up and not making the wisest decisions in life.  I was talking to the little girl and, straight from her mouth, she looked at me and said "My mommy has to grow up and learn to take care of what's important."

That's got to be the worst feeling in the world when your own six year-old daughter can see you're heading down the wrong path.

- Mark

Quoted from mcornetto Honestly Raymond, use the money to fund your film.  You too, Mark.  You don't need to send it to me.  As usual, my payment is the satisfaction and pleasure of being the first to answer yet another useless trivia question. ;-)

I'll bet he googled it. (:

Rc,

Fair enough, I'm just saying when I read it, her saying "In fact," made me stop and think is that a phrase an eight year old would say? That and the I'll consider your request line, as mentioned I thought this would be something we would have to hear her mom for her to say it in that way.

I know an eight year old would know the words, but the phrasing is very adult.

Hey R.C,
Well done...refreshing to read something so innocent. You had a good sense of intrigue throughout the entire story, kept me wanting to know more. Even though it was only a 5 pager it still had me wanting to know what was behind that door from the beginning.
Think some of Jasmyn's lines could have been simplified a bit, not just in terms of her reading like an older child, but anytime a character talks to themselves/camera a lot it reminds me of Ferris Beuller. Maybe if she looked through the keyhole and had to struggle a little more to open the door...besides that, everything else read well. Good logline also

Hey n7,

Thanks for reading this.  I poured my heart and soul into this and plan on taking it to the Academy someday where I will get all the credit I deserve for it.

P.S. - If somebody named Gwydion happens to chime in sometime soon and tries to say he wrote it and not me... don't believe him.  He tries to take credit for my work all the time.

:-)

Alright, I guess I have to come clean.  You addressed the wrong person, n7.  Gwydion is actually Raymond H. Smith, who penned this.  I do agree with you, though, n7.  The story was intriguing and awesomely innocent.  He could have very easily taken this story to the gutter, but he kept it clean.  To be honest, though, I think I would have liked it clean or dirty, but that's just me.

My bad, I gave the wrong person credit. Whoops a daisy!!!

It's the thought that counts.  What's in a name?

hey, this was an intriguing short piece.   well written, and by the end i was very curious for the end.  i will say i was disappointed by the end, but if that's the way you want to end it, then it's your choice

Hey raymond

I thought this was really good.  I loved the way jasmyn talked to her doll and responded if it talked back.  You built up the suspense well and I was expecting a big shock when the door opened.  When it did I have to say I laughed!

Then I did wonder about the fact that jasmyn is only young and wouldn't know who New Kids on the Block were.  This pales though cos I thought it was a great little short.

Good stuff.

It's hard to write a good review on these 5-pagers after so many other people have gave their own 2 cents, but I thought I'd try.

I have no problem with a child speaking like they're an adult, but you don't really keep it that consistent.  It seems to jump from a 12-year-old's grasp to a 5-year-old's.  Either or is fine, but I think it would be better if she was a tad younger.

No problems with formatting and spelling, I think(you look like you know what you're doing so I didn't try too hard to find any).

I'm on the fence with the ending.  It was definitely a good build up and you definitely took it to the extreme...but I was expecting the other, dirtier extreme(which I guess is a good thing).  As soon as I understood what was going on, I was like, "I bet it's one of those sex dungeons that dominatrix's have."  I guess you used the funniest band possible for this kind of reveal.  I wonder if a kids band like The Wiggles -- or whatever they're called -- would be more effective.  I'll get back to you if something funnier comes to mind.

Having said all this, I still enjoyed it.  If I were to give it a score, I'd say about 3.5/5.

Hope this helps.

I still like this, but I've been thinking of different bands. Sure, NKOTB were awful, but what about something more recent?

Let's just say that I've got "I Want You Back" in my head.

Quoted Text You have to stay here. If I don’t make it back. You have to go get help.

Good line.

You paced this perfectly.  I also loved Jasmyn's personality and the way you built it.

I don't think Mommy should have cried.  Screamed, maybe.  All in all, a good short that was fun to read.

Hey Raymond,

I just finished reading this. You had me going with this one. I wanted to know what was in that room.
I thought it could be her father or her mother was a hooker...

I do agree with the others that this was a cute script, but I felt the ending came completely out of left field. It was so serious, then came the funny ending...

Maybe if the mother had the child listen to classical music all the time, and since Jasmyn is an artist, maybe her mother would talk to her about famous artists or Jasmyn could talk to her doll about famous artists???

The mother could come off as a nut case when she is only trying to expose her child to some culture... that way I think the ending could work.

I liked Jasmyn. She seemed real to me. I think you could even pump up the level of her dialogue even a bit more. Make her seem pretty smart for an eight year old.

I did laugh at the end.  ;D
I just think it needs a little something more.

Just my thoughts (the thoughts of a 21 day smoke free nicotine fiend)  ;D

Cindy