Grounded by T. J. Hundtofte (deathmonkey) - Short - An attention-starving 12-year-old girl must compete for her parents' unconditional concern at the dinner table. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Okay, everybody write exactly what you wrote before!

No? Well at least Rob and I are in this together...sorry about Cotton and Corn getting deleted too.

Yeah I will stand as your witness and say that this short did get some postive reviews before the second big crash and collaspe of the SS discussion board. (where were you during the devastation?)  
I too also enjoyed this script. Great dialouge between the parents and the daughter.

It felt more like one scene from a feature and if you where ever considering it I would be the first to read it. The adventures of an emo brat sounds like fun to me.  

I was a bit confused with the second last dioluge at the end. Was what Morgan said true or  was it a last ditch attempt to get the focus on her?


But yeah great script and reminded me of all the bite and venom you used to get between Rosanne and Darleen in the Rosanne sitcom. I miss that show so much.  

I liked this T.J., everything about it was pretty good.  I found the characters believable and the dialogue well-crafted, I even got a few chuckles out of it.  My only issue with it was that rather than a short it seemed like a portion of a much larger script.  Though it came to a conclusion, it gave a feeling that there was more to come. Whether you choose to expand on this premise or not, I thought it was well done.

Quoted from Death Monkey Okay, everybody write exactly what you wrote before! No? Well at least Rob and I are in this together...sorry about Cotton and Corn getting deleted too.

My masterpiece "Unprotected Sex" got lost too. Don posted it again, but I'm not sure that's doing these boards any good.

Regarding your script, I don't remember exactly what I had written earlier. I liked it, but thought  the parents could have been a little "wilder" than getting stoned at Live Aid.

Great dialogue.

PS. Have fun in Ireland. ;-)

Hey TJ

Great read. Good dialgoue. I expected more emotion from the 12 year old daughter so it could lead up to the last scene. And more altercation between the 12 year old and the parents. That's pretty much what I could remember.

Gabe

Awesome.

A very simple premise but wonderfully executed.

Each character had its own voice according to age and gender. And the dialogue was very funny.

The only criticism I could make is that the piece almost feels like a sitcom since it’s very dialogue driven and there ain’t much visuals to carry the story.

But heck, I still enjoyed it a lot. Very well done.

this was a very pleasant read.  like someone mentioned, there really isn't a lot of action, but you are good with dialogue.  i do feel the end could pack more of a punch, but i guess it's an inherent limitation of having a strong dialogue piece.  but it was enjoyable.

Hey  Tonka, McCornetto, Pia, Gabe, Mr. Z and dkw

Thanks a lot for reading and leaving (new) feedback! Sorry it took me so long to give thanks, but I sort of assumed the site would be down for a bit of time so I diodn't do my daily sweep of the site.

All your comments have een catalogued and will be examined and scrutinzed if a rewrite happens (which it might).

Pia: Ah so you know the pain of being deleted too. Thanks, I'll try my best to have fun! :)

Hey TJ, I don't you just hate it when your good feedback gets lost?  I thought I'd just leave a little note that I found this a very funny story and the dialogue was amusing.  I think, if I remember correctly, that my only small issue was with the parents actions not being bad enough, I think Pia mentioned that too?  Anywho this was a good read and enjoyed it.

I left feedback on this script before the SS Armageddon.

I can't remember what I said word for word, but it was probably something about how the script shows you have a mother complex and probably a deep seated desire to either kill your father or tickle him with a feather duster while wearing pink latex speedos.


Probably.

I had posted it was generally a well written short that fades a bit instead of ending with a punch, however the dialogue was very sharp and funny. We all agreed J.K.Simmons IS the father.

And the Live Aid gag was icing on the cake - it was a nice, sly parody of getting stoned at Woodstock, since Live Aid was pretty much lame a$$ed as a cultural touchstone.

Hey TJ.

I read this a few weeks ago. I thought it was pretty funny. I must be getting old because I related to the dad. When banging his head against a brick wall didn't work he decided to bang it harder. Lol.

There were a few good one liners. I particularly liked the bit about the toilet water drinker.

However, I have a query on your synopsis. Shouldn't it be an attention starved 12- year-old-girl as opposed to an attention starving 12-year-old-girl?  Here in Australia the term is attention starved not attention starving.  

Let me re·it·er·ate (hard fucking word) here. Like I said before the meltdown, I thought this was an awful script with no basic plot or character development. The zombies were stale and lacked character, they came along as pretty much canon fodder. I liked the sexy porn babe though and I thought you could (and should) have given us a little more background about her. Alone the story on how she grew that extra tit would take this script to the next level...

What?

Okay okay, I'll try to stay serious for a second or two here. Good script. Good one liners (especially the Germ-line), good characters (Allie is an anoying pain in the ass little brat - but that's good, storywise), good setting.

OG - Original Goodness.

Peace out - A B C ya - put a stamp on it - fight the power - fuck tha police - supernigga - know what I'm saying?

Wow, thanks so much for all those who took the time to repost feedback!

And Rob, if you didn't like the zombie-tit you could've just kept your stupid mouth shut! That thing took months to come up with and you just shoot it down in a blink of an eye! You sit in your fucking tower, king of nay-sayers!


Chris: You might be right. Honestly, I don't even remember typing that.

Cheers

Quoted from Death Monkey Chris: You might be right. Honestly, I don't even remember typing that.

Phew. For a minute there I thought I'd commented on something that wasn't in the script. You can imagine my relief when I realized what you were talking about.  

Hilarious read.  The dialog was all really great.  

I might suggest you possibly play up the fact that initially, Morgan is the center of attention until she is so blatantly upstaged by her older sister.  Maybe give more of Morgan's reaction to the "late as usual" appearance from Allie at the dinner the table.

Otherwise, the script had me laughing consistently throughout the read.  Good job!

  In order to have good comedy it has to surround a central topic. So, I read through and found what that topic is for this story. I’m assuming from the premise, Allie and her parents conflict, and little Morgan that you had this topic in mind, consciously or subconsciously. The topic: The effect of being an attention hog has on the person, family, etc.
  I got some chuckles, smirks out of the dialogue between Allie and the parents, but keeping within the context of the topic I mentioned, and again I’m not sure if that’s even what you had in mind, if not, consider it when and/or if you rewrite, how bad the parenting is. Someone mentioned what a brat Allie is I mean look at the parents.

  I did think the dialogue was little to direct, you know, making it too much peak not enough valley, but what are you going to do with 7 pages. Which brings me to some suggestions about lengthening the story, I think it would fall apart. Erin and Hank maybe good in this particular scene, but terrible for a feature. The range of change they’d have to go to create a more dramatic scene would be like how come they can’t apply that logic in handling there daughter, you know. You’d be hard pressed to show them outside of these character traits and then justify there antics with there daughter, here. Anyway I’m talking about something that’s not on the page. So, lets get back to that.



I thought the ending was to satisfactory especially, keeping in with the premise topic “The effect of being an attention hog…” which is all i.e. for Paris Hilton and so on, having the little Morgan who’s twelve, if I remember correctly seeking attention and doing something stupid or in her case saying something stupid to get it “I’m pregnant!” It’s perfect. Someone asked if she actually was, of course. With the mother mentioning Allies dress is her outcry for some form attention further lead me to believe what I do about his story.
  
  I think if this was stretched and you added a more heart to heart scene it could deal with the possibility that Allie may actually like the way she dressed, even though she finally got the attention she wanted, doesn’t mean she’ll stopping with the piercing this could be the finale of a much longer short.
  
  The father, Hank, is interesting because he delivers laugh, I agree that the pound of the table would be funniest, but I think or it comes off as if, though what he saying to us, the reader/audience is funny, but he isn’t saying it within the scene to be funny or get a laugh remember no one here is laughing or has a smirk on there face in the least. I think people are forgetting that. It makes me think being the over-analytical, curious person I am, wonder what are they like around people they are comfortable around enough to joke and would we actually find them the “character” funny. That’s all stuff to be considered for a feature, though. Any who it was a good read, and I liked the ending. I think the premise should be…


“A pair of attention starved sisters, sixteen and twelve, both trying to enter into adulthood, and they’re clueless parents.”


Now we have something that can grow, I mean, high school girls think they’re entering adulthood with college and all that, and a pre-teens and their illusions about being a teenager. Both sisters would have to learn responsibility to their respective ages.


Another interesting scene would be do the sisters seek attention from one another? How do the interact with it’s just them two? How are they when they have to compete?

Phew. OK. That’s all. Hope I’ve been of help, and good luck.