Onus by Kevin J Bergeron (themadhatter) - Short - 10 minutes. Three men. No escape. 11 pages. - pdf, format 8)

I don't really know why I started reading this, I was in the mood for reading a feature but I think your logline caught me. I like mysterious loglines and had a strong feeling I would like this.

I wonder if a film called "Unknown" was a possible influence. It's very similar in the way that these people wake up in a room with no idea how they got there and it all comes back to them slowly until the final twist. It was a cheap film but I liked it. There are also hints of SAW in here, it almost felt like a scene out of one of those movies without the blood and torture which is a good thing, because I love those movies.

One note on format, your opening paragraph is 10 lines. They shouldn't be over 4 lines, it makes it much easier to read. You never made a habit of this though, I don't think you done it for the rest of the script infact. My suggestion would be to introduce the characters in seperate paragraphs.

This leads me to the characters. You called them by the names of their guns, Colt, Berretta and Glock. I like the idea of calling them something different because they don't know what their names are nevermind how they got there. The problem is that it gets confusing when they start picking up each others guns. I can't remember but we have something like, "Glock picks up Colt, Berretta picks up Glock etc". It becomes a bit confusing because the guns are a big part of the story so they get mentioned a lot. Calling your characters by the same as their gun makes it that little bit harder to read.

Mt suggestion would be too call them by the color of their shirt as this is mentioned in each of the characters descriptions. You did this in dialogue, calling one of them "Red". This would work so much better and make things easier for the reader.

I thought this ran a little long but still enjoyed it. It left me with lots of questions and I'm still not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I liked how it was very mysterious and we didn't know why they were there for the most part but when I found out, I don't know if I was 100% satisfied.  I thought the tape recorder was pretty pointless, maybe flashbacks over how they got there, spread slowly throughout the short, would work better, I'm not sure.

Character wise, I think there needs to be more friction. Beretta was way too cool about the whole situation. If I woke up in a room with 2 guys with guns, a tape recorder and no memory, I wouldn't act like that. I think you could add more suspicion on all of the characters before the end.

We are supposed to believe that this gas knocks them out, wipes their memory every fifteen minutes. Sure, I'll buy that. But having it happen every fifteen minutes in a kind of never ending Groundhog Day torture is kind of pushing it for me. I think some more questions need to be answered. Why have they all got guns? Why did one of them decide to lock them in a room with the gas? Why not simply kill the guy who killed Laura? There's too many questions. Leaving a few unanswered is fine, but with this many, it hurts the story.

All in all, it was a mixed bag. I think this can be so much better if you decide to rewrite. Bear in mind, these comments are aimed to help you with the story, not to be harsh. I hope this helps.

Brian

Brian,

Thanks for the read and I appreciate all your criticism. You're right-it does get confusing with their names. Good suggestion, I'll change the names to their shirt or similar. I'm not sure what you mean about Beretta being "cool", I'll re-read it with that in mind. I like leaving the reader/viewer with some questions with this one, I'll consdier answering some of your questions - starting with the Groundhog Day situation... it is done on purpose. Death isn't a good enough punishment for these guys.

Thanks again for the read and I'll work on re-writes. They're on Celtx but I need to bring them off before I'd have to pay for it and figure out what else to use. :-/ BTW - how do I re-submit a re-write?

Hey Kevin. This was a good idea but I had a big problem with the execution.

It started right away with Beretta asking about the guns Glock kicked while he was out cold. How did he know that Glock had kicked the guns? For all he knew they were there the whole time.

The whole thing seemed to move too fast and it made it seem like the characters were being lead instead of figuring out their situation on their own. Does that make sense? Unnatural is the only word I can think of but I can try to elaborate if it doesn't make sense.

Like I said, I liked the idea. It just needs to be reworked a little to feel more natural.

James

James,

Thanks for the read and I do understand what you're saying. I'll re-read with that in mind (as well as Beretta acting 'cool').

And something I left out before - Unknown was an inspiration to this. It was a good flick.

-kjb.

Hi, I read alot of scripts here but I never post. I was lead to reading this because it's similar to a script I've written (will post it here soon). Anyway regarding the script. I didn't like it much to be honest. "I wish I had taken some of that gas, and forgotten I'd wasted time reading this script"...Only joking.

The formating was good, but some descriptions were unnecessary such as:
"he looks around the room. He notices first Beretta then Colt." Why is it important that he notices Beretta first? And "He stands up, holding his head. He GRUNTS. He looks around confused." after already mentioning him looking round the room.

Also nothing seems to be happening on most of the pages. I think it would have been better if at the beginning you gave us a suspicion one of them knew what was going on from the start. Put a dead body in there, an anonymous phone call warning them the cops are on their way, give it some intense...

Thanks for the read. I guess I wrote what seems like unnecessary descriptions because I originally planned on filming this one myself. And thinking of writing and direction, Saying he notices one character than the other was necessary IMO, but the other one is redundant, I agree. I know not much happens, but it's a short piece (obviously) of mostly dialog and I felt it easiest to film that way. The suggestions (dead body, phone call) would 100% change the story.

-kjb.

This little short got me excited cause I figured the ending with 5 pages to go to the last page.

Exciting cause it is very rare for me to do that.

I enjoyed the circular convensation on page 7-8. That was great stuff.

coll how your characters where named after guns.

the first few pages I found the direction clunky and difficult to read. But I think it is just that you have it all clumped together. Break it up into more sentence for each shot.

Plus I thought the script was a little to long for your idea. Needs to be tightened up. Maybe only having two characters might fix that up and cut back on the page numbers.    

Tonka, thanks for the read. After I do some of the re-writes above I'll consider if there's enough fattiness that I can cut out to shorten the script a little. With my latest re-read, I noticed it was a little wordy at times. I'm hoping to buckle down at some point this weekend to do the initial changes to it. Thanks for the input.

-kjb.

Hi Kevin,

I felt compelled to write this - please don't re-name the characters! That was my favourite part of the script! The names just had a nice feel to them, and personally, I didn't find them confusing at all.

All the best,
Andrew

Andrew,

Thanks. I did, too :) I've started to go through an re-name the character already. Not sure I like it... I'll keep it with Red, White and Tan when I submit the re-write, see what others think.

-kjb.

I liked this lots, it was very SAW like and the whole gun scenario reminded me of the scene in resevior dogs.
I watch a lot of horror films but didn't see the end coming.
The dialogue between the three could be a bit sharper and maybe a tad more of the story could be revealed but this is picking, its an excellent idea and very original, something sadly missing in most horror releases these days!

Kevin

I'm reviewing as I read, so I'll relay my thoughts/reactions as I go. I feel it’s a better way to give the writer an idea of what the experience your script was like for the reader. Especially with slightly longer scripts anyway.


Despite the crude length of the opening paragraph, 3 or 4 lines being the max per paragraph, it is an intriguing (forgive the cliché reference) Tarantino-esque scene with elements of Saw in there too.

The naming of the characters as guns is a cool twist, very welcome, although I see 1987Brian point too...but I still wouldn't change it.

COLT
No. Then I guess we're all in the
same boat.

BERETTA
And it's sinking.

I found Beretta's reply to be odd...darkly abrupt even. I mean they've just woken up in a warehouse, its not the end of the world. At this point is he not thinking they can juSt walk outta there, no harm donE, your average result of a heavy drinking session.

Throwing the gun to Colt was a little strange too, I'm thinking there is something more to him as his actions so far have been very "on guard" as if something is gonna kick off.

I thought the immediate goal in a situation like this would be to get out of the warehouse and find out where you are, instead of messin' about with formal introductions & handing out weapons to "even the score".

Beretta checks the magazine in his gun. He slowly replaces
it and holsters it in the back of his pants. -- Where did he get the replacement clip?

"A BEAT of SILENCE. Glock presses stop. Colt looks around
frantically and runs to the only door. Locked. He walks
back, defeated. PAUSE." -- Five pages in and its the first time someone has actually tried the door to get out. Would that realistically be the case? As I said I think it would be one of the first avenues they'd try, no?

GLOCK
You did this! -- Very unexpected flash of anger from Glock, considering he's being very placid and calm up until now. I mean, ll Beretta said was that he knew Laura, did it warrant Glock's outburst?

"Glock springs up after grabbing the closest gun, the Colt.
Beretta grabs the Glock. Colt quickly reacts and picks up
the Beretta." -- I knew this "trading off" was gonna happen at some stage, but its still cool, nicely done.

COLT
Right now I don't want to die.
Yourselves? -- A comma after "now". It will dictate the phrasing of the line.

BERETTA
Obviously, no one's going
anywhere. We made sure of it.

I feel there is not enough action describing them looking for an alternative door, window, or some other way of escape. So far only Colt has checked the main door.

"Beretta springs up and walks around, looking at the warehouse." -- This is on pg 10, bud. Too much time has passed in my opinion.

COLT
Oh shit. You killed Laura, man! -- Yeah I figured that Beretta was overtly hostile from the get-go.

Good ole Mexican stand-off to bring things to a head.

An interesting last scene, what are we to believe...?

Pretty good job overall. The writing was very good as was the dialogue and the situation itself offered many questions. A little common maybe, these stories have been done many times before but are still very entertaining nonetheless.

"Cube" is a fantastic angle on the "waking up in a strange place with strange people and no memories" scenario, buts it's severely marred by B-list acting & dialogue, I’m glad to say that yours was a lot better in that department.

But as I said, the way the three or at least Colt & Glock went about solving their predicament left a lot to be desired, they were downright idiotic & headstrong in places. On the flip side it was a bizarre situation so nerves woulda’ been a little shot, who knows how we would react.

A definite nudge to "Saw" here... and may I say, that ain’t a bad source to borrow from.

Good job

Col.

Thanks for the read, Col. And lots of input, that's appreciated. I'll look through and comment one of yours.

Saw, Unknown, Cube all influences. I'm glad they were seen.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I found Beretta's reply to be odd...darkly abrupt even

Agreed, I've always had trouble with that line. There was something I found off about but decided to keep it in anyway. I'll explore other possibilities.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Where did he get the replacement clip?

Miscommunication. He replaced the same clip back into the gun. I'll change the wording.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Five pages in and its the first time someone has actually tried the door to get out

I think I'll have Beretta wake later and Glock will check out the door. The only reason I can use to explain why this wasn't earlier was because of the disorientation of not knowing where they are and Glock checking up on Beretta and Colt to see if they're OK.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Very unexpected flash of anger from Glock, considering he's being very placid and calm up until now.

Done on purpose. He's loosing his cool. I'm not sure if I conveyed it well enough and I'm sure the names of the characters confuses, but I tried to have their emotions and characteristics follow the guns. So, while he still hasn't gained the beretta, he's transitioning right now.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I feel there is not enough action describing them looking for an alternative door, window, or some other way of escape

Again, miscommunication. I've changed the beginning already (but haven't posted) to describe the area better. This is WAY smaller than you probably imagine. Like, the size of a second bedroom.

Thanks again for the input. I've already done one go-through with a draft but it looks like I need to do a little more. I almost feel lazy that I haven't gotten a revision up yet, but this isn't my full-time gig. :-/

-kjb.

Kevin

Yeah I visualised the warehouse locale to be a lot bigger.

I like what you said about the mood of Glock changing in direct correlation to the weapon he has left and which one he is on the verge of acquiring. Thats a clever technique, it never clicked with me while reading it (my own stupidity).

You should try and explore this a bit more and incorporate it into the re-write, add a further dimension to the piece.

Best of luck with this

Col.

I didn't really care for this script, for one major reason.  Everything felt extremely contrived.  The situation as well as the dialogue.  The characters didn't feel natural to me at all, and everything was sort of a haze.  It's suggested that the put themselves into their situation, but I couldn't understand how or why they would possibly do that.  I also had no idea what the deal was with the bullets, or why Beretta was able to remember things.

I couldn't really relate to any of these characters, mostly because I don't feel like their personalities were actually coming across.  They didn't really stand out in any sort of unique way.

Thanks for the read, escapist. I'll see what I can't do about making the characters more relatable and try to make it a little more clear about their situation.

-kjb.

Hey Kevin,

just read this one. I liked the idea. Quite a bit even, but I think you need to work on the writing itself some. You tell this story in a very confusing way. I had a hard time following it.

I understand and even liked their names in the beginning, but it confuses things way too much later on for the reader. Also, if this was a film, they would never mention those names so an audience would have no idea of the "cool" names you gave them. I would suggest changing the names for the sake of the readers.

I had a hard time keeping the characters apart when reading as well. Except for Colt who acted different occasionally, but most of the time they spoke alike and acted "irrational" alike. I would suggest making them more different. Maybe even make them look different. In your introduction (which is very clunky) you basically just tell us what they are wearing, but no physical traits.

This story left me with lots of questions unanswered. I see most of them have already been addressed by others. It's worth it for you to take time and answer them. Not here in this thread of course, but in the script itself.

I cringed when I read one of the characters tossing a fully loaded gun to one of the others. Don't know how gun savvy you are, but no one who's familiar with guns, even if just a little, tosses a loaded gun to anyone.

All in all, I liked the idea of this. Sure it was very SAW'ish, but that didn't bother me. You just need to clean up your telling of this so it's easier to follow and make your characters stand out on their own a little more.

Pia  :-)

Thanks for the read, Pia.

I've printed out my latest version (not yet posted, erk!) and I'm going through it with my red marker. I'll see where I can cut out some fat and input some more development and distinguishing of character. You're right - the characters do seem very similar and I need to fix that.

I've already changed some of it based on some earlier comments. I'll dive deeper this time, and I won't post here again until I've gone through and re-wrote... Hopefully no one else will come in and tell me to change the entire storyline because it's aweful :-/

-kjb.

I’m a little late to the reviews here.  

I liked the “infinite do loop” quality of the ending.

I wouldn’t rename the characters. I do suggest the characters’ designations be introduced to the audience since that was a cool element in your story.  In my notes I referred to this as “Call me Glock.”

The tension leading up to the end could be kicked up. It’s set in a small room so the goal would be to fill the room with energy as opposed to the quiet when the men first woke up. A primal scream from all the men as they draw down on each other might work. Over the top I know but I hope you see the point.

Finally, I liked the way you added other possibilities to the story by telling us there were 2 bullets left in one of the guns. Nice touch.

So I printed out the script, got out ol' red and decided I'd make some edits. Going through, I decided it would be easier to start again, from scratch. Same story, some of the same dialog and plot points but took into consideration a lot that was said. I'd like to thank everyone for their input and ask if you'd give it another read and let me know what you think of the re-write. Thanks Don, for getting this up :)

I must say this is MUCH better than your first draft. Much cleaner, easier to understand, better in so many ways.

I'm pleased you changed the names of the characters. I know a lot of people won't be happy with this as I must admit, it was a cool idea having your characters named after the guns they were holding. The point is, if this was to be filmed, we wont know the names of the characters anyway. They don't even know their names. Writing a short, it is your priority to make things clear for the reader and changing the names has certainly done that. I don't think I was the only one who pointed out it got confusing at times because of the names in the last draft so major points for correcting that.

I did notice that you never had your characters names in capitals when you first introduced them. This is a must as people will pull you up for it but easily fixed.

Also, sometimes your writing isn't very present. On the first page there were a few instances where you used things like "is sitting" and "is wearing" instead of "sits" or "wears".  It makes things much easier to read. It makes the script more active if you put "Mr. Red sits in the corner" instead of "Mr. Red is sitting in the corner", if you know what I mean.

Dialogue was okay. One line didn't come across well on page six when Mr. Red says, "Something we probably should've done hours ago". It sounded funny from somebody who can't remember 10 minutes ago. I thought he was under the impression he just woke up in the room for the first time and can't remember the previous times (cause the gas causes memory loss, right?).

You have worked on the story loads since the last draft. You have answered more questions, which is great. Things are easier to understand, you have also shaved a few pages, which also works in your favour.

However, I still have issues with the story. I don't buy why they are in this situation. Sure, they contributed to a girls death but why this? Did they all agree for this to happen? If not, who's idea was it? They all say they deserve to die and try to kill themselves but why have the gas stop them each time? I do like the idea of this happening for ever and ever but is it realistic? Was it really that bad that they decided to put themselves in this position?  

I loved the movie "The Unknown" and think this is very similar in a good way. I think it would work so much better having one person behind it all (maybe the brother). Make us guess who's behind it the whole time then reveal in the end. Having one person behind the whole scheme would make it much more believable but that's just my opinion.

I hope this helps.

Brian