Pia's Package by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Short, Comedy - One million dollars. Ten desperate men. One hot chick. Which are they more after, and how will they eliminate the competition? 28 pages - pdf, format 8)

Well Sean,

I have to hand it to you.  That was some funny shit.  I'm not going to crit it because I know it was just for fun but it gave me such a laugh.  And BTW it's not how big your signature is that matters, it's how you use it.

I guess this means I'll have to make a revenge SS script.

Wow, thanks for getting this up so quickly Don! :)



I had Pia and Jordan review over this because I just wrote it for fun (and I had also thought over the idea for about an hour until I came on here and realized that the whole genre and theme was a joke...), but Pia insisted that I posted it, so I did. I was afraid that it wouldn't go too well, considering I'm not too well with comedy, but I am very relieved to see that two people already like it (well, I don't know if Tyler likes it, but oh well...)


Michael: I'm glad it made you laugh :) And Re: your signature...That's true, but every time I scroll down, my cursor rolls over your signature, so then only your signature begins to scroll down, so I have to move my cursor out from over your sig, and continue scrolling. So much work... ;-)

Tyler: Do it. ;D




Sean

Quoted from Zombie Sean And Re: your signature...That's true, but every time I scroll down, my cursor rolls over your signature, so then only your signature begins to scroll down, so I have to move my cursor out from over your sig, and continue scrolling. So much work... ;-)

Marketing rule #1: Once you've got them there, keep them there ;-)

I'll take solace in the idea that I'm not so annoying that you want me killed off. Yay me.

That was pretty decent Sean. It's nice to see another SimplyScripts group script crop up.

And Michael...yeah, my scroll wheel hits your sig too. It's annoying.

Quoted from mcornetto Marketing rule #1: Once you've got them there, keep them there

Thanks for putting a smile on my face. :)

Quoted from George Willson I'll take solace in the idea that I'm not so annoying that you want me killed off. Yay me.

I was thinking of putting you in there as the secret agent who follows the people around and creates traps for them, but then I ran into the problem of tying you in the rest of the story. Which leads to the sequel: "Pia's Package: The George Willson Delivery"


Damn, I couldn't even think of a good joke for that, either. Sorry to let you down twice, George. Maybe Tyler can cast you as the main character in his Revenge script ;-)


Sean

Quoted from George Willson And Michael...yeah, my scroll wheel hits your sig too. It's annoying.

You guys should be happy now.  But just wait until I create my pop-up signature...Then I'll show you all. Bwahahahahahaha!

I think this is hilarious.  Well written with terrific visuals, action and dialogue.  The characters were totally believable, and seemed as though they may even be people we know in our regular lives.  Well done.

Did I ever tell you about the zombie script I thought about writing. . .

Nice one Sean, and you had to have me hooked up with Zack, you fucking asshole, you know how long that would have lasted, like three seconds, I would have been chopping away at that chain immediately...lol.

Anyways very funny, I liked yours and James fate, very appropriate :P

Good stuff Sean! Very funny. It flowed well, and you had the right amount of each of the characters.

I don't really know what else, to say, but good work.

Tyler, can't wait for yours mate :)

Hey Sean,

I LOVED it!!!!!

I have to admit though that I was getting a bit nervous when I was old and fat all of a sudden. I was releaved to find out it was just Don in a old and fat "me" suit.

Great action writing on your part. And comedic action too. Hard to do.

Great job Sean!  :-)

Hey Sean,

I read this at work and I must say, it sucked. Why? because I wasn't involved. lol. (JOKE)

It was funny. Poor Higgonator, I'm curious what happened to him? And poor James to suffer that fate. lol. Congrats to you. I can't wait for the revenge tale.

Gabe

Don't worry about me, Ripley, I've got something in the works...

Clever. Funny. A limited audience to be sure but damn good shit. Kudos.

Gary

Quoted from steven8 Did I ever tell you about the zombie script I thought about writing. . .

Don't even get me started...Buaha. Thanks for reading :)

Jordan, I figured that the best way to torture you would to be put with someone who might really get on your nerves (which would probably be anybody, Mr. Jack Bauer), and just let it keep going and going and going....

Tommy, thanks for reading. I'm glad you liked it, and I'm sure Tyler's cooking up a good'n.

Pia, why would I ever do that to you? It would be, like, sacrilege or something to make your image look like...that...  :K)

Gabe, I'm sorry! Though, you're lucky. As George said, maybe you're not annoying enough to get killed off in a script of mine...Just kidding, nobody here is annoying. And about Tyler...You don't want to know what happened to Tyler. And I'm sure James will get a laugh out of his fate, shake his head, and tell himself, "This is so true."

Gary, yeh, not too many people will get this, so it's more of a Simply Scripts inside joke type of stuff. Which works out well here!


Thanks again everyone for reading!

Sean

I've read this, but I've been too busy locating my beard to comment.

Sean, your entry into the "SimplyScript-Script" club is fun and worthy.  And so much the better for us vain types who love to find ourselves portrayed within them.

In fact, you get high marks for the title alone.

I enjoyed Zack's "big twist" in his planned script, though you neglected to include the ubiquitous hit-man. I enjoyed the well-deserved swipes at Cornetto and his thoroughly obnoxious sig. I enjoyed what I can only imagine must be a fairly accurate portrayal of our friend Jordan -- Tourette's and all. I enjoyed Sean's happy ending juxtaposed with James' suffering.  I enjoyed Mike's beard.

And I enjoyed the late, twisty reveals that conclude the script on a high note.  So I guess there was lots in this script to like.

As Cornetto said, feedback on these is kind of silly, but I will give you one thing to look out for in case you decide to do something similar in another script.  Note that you have the Butler slip in a video tape, but then, on the television, you have Pia responding to what people say.  It is live, not video.  For future reference, be sure you are consistent with one or the other.  Unless you did this on purpose just to be silly.

But I guess that is my only real gripe here.  A well-played spoof, Sean.  I was very amused.  Now we await the revenge script from Higgs.

Shelton, don't worry. I like your beard, whether it's there or not.


Bert, glad you liked it. About the video tape thing, it was a tape, but I also meant for Pia to respond to it. There was one part where after she responds to what someone says, and you lean over and you say something like, "Wait, isn't this a video tape? It doesn't make sense..." but I figured that that might just be stating the obvious and that the audience would pick it up on their own so I took that out. So yes, I was trying to be silly.



Sean

Hey Sean. I read this two days ago but forgot to write a response. Hate to say I couldn't resist reading another script about the goings-on at the boards. Anyway, I got a kick outta this, especially the bits with Shelton's beard. Sorry, dude. That's funny. Jordan's flying ability worked for what the script's supposed to be but I figured it would've served as a considerable edge in the contest. Some pretty fun twists as well. I think you've managed to satisfy everyone in the SS camp with this one.

Oh and I thought we discussed this zombie business. Nobody (cept maybe Bert) remembers Kiss of the Locust but it's still buried in there somewhere. Guess I'll just have to write another zombie script sometime. ;)

Ooooohhhhh,

Sean, you are sooooo gonna get it, baby! And Phil too, let's not forget Phil! Well, at least I survived...kinda.

Anyways, funny stuff in here. I really liked the team-ups, especially Zack and Jordan, loved that one (btw. where the fuck is Zack?) and also Bert and Mike (gotta love that beard).

The "Your sig's too long" was a master piece, that one had me roling on the floor. Maybe one day Cornetto will actually get it. Yeah right :P

If I were to have a gripe with this one, and am I'm not saying I do, but if I, like, you know, did, it would only be the fact that Pia is not naked. But that's just me - not me, but me, you know?

Cheeeeers
Rob

Ha ha James I'm glad ya liked it. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who enjoyed Shelton's beard. I don't remember us talking about zombies (except the one in this script), and I didn't know about Kiss of the Locust. I checked it out, and I'll see if I can find time to read it some time. Sounds...Interesting...Ha ha killer locusts is something I haven't heard of yet... ;D


Robert,

Sorry about what happened to ya...Ha ha, I deserve a revenge plot put on me. I have no idea where Zack went. He was here a few weeks ago, and then just disappeared! I had to pick out the teams and put people together carefully...It was a bit hard. But it looks like everything worked out.

Aw, okay, everyone be nice to Michael. Yes, his signature was long, but it wasn't meant to hurt anyone, even if it caused you to scroll through his signature as your cursor hovered over it as you're scrolling down the main thread page. I feel bad now that he has shortened his signature down significantly...:B;D

Oh, Pia's naked, alright. But that's in the uncut, 200+ page version of this script with a lot of talking, not too much action, and much character subplot that it wasn't satisfactory to audiences. So I had to shorten it down a bit...


Sean

Quoted from Zombie Sean . Oh, Pia's naked, alright. But that's in the uncut, 200+ page version of this script with a lot of talking, not too much action, and much character subplot that it wasn't satisfactory to audiences. So I had to shorten it down a bit... Sean

But does it have a super funky repeating base line running through it?  :P

Quoted from steven8 But does it have a super funky repeating base line running through it?  :P

What kind of movie would it be without it??


Sean

Sean

This was a great read, didn't get all the in house jokes as I'm still a relative newcomer to the site but still smiled all the way through. Very well written, the pages flew by, a smooth, breezy, enjoyable read.

I always admire someone who can make fun of themselves, or doesn't take themselves too seriously. You've got that self deprecating humour in spades here, I love it. The way you got in the signiture jibe at Cornetto and then abruptly walked away was hilarious.

The only thing I did'nt get is the directions. What was on the paper if the summer home turned out to be directly across the road...would they not have seen this. Some characters were just wondering around aimlessly, due to losing the papar amid the confusion of the closing walls in the first two room. A very arbitary point to bring up I know, just curious is all.

Great concept, good helping of comedy and banter between the characters throughout. Nice job.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The only thing I did'nt get is the directions. What was on the paper if the summer home turned out to be directly across the road...would they not have seen this. Some characters were just wondering around aimlessly, due to losing the papar amid the confusion of the closing walls in the first two room. A very arbitary point to bring up I know, just curious is all.

Ha ha though the directions weren't seen, they weren't like maps. They were written directions. Telling you what road to turn on, whether to take a right or left, etc. Then the joke comes around about the house being across the street....


Thanks for reading, glad you liked it, and if you haven't, check out the sequel by Robert Skotte (Sniper) titled "The Curious Case of Sean Elwood" here.



Sean

Robert's script is on the list, alright. I will get around to it in the coming days.

Most be humbling to have a script named after you :)

Wow. Is that really how I come off!? Hahahaha. I loved this Sean. Great stuff.

This is the first Simply Scripts spoof I've read and what a read. So many funny pokes at everyone. Mikes vanishing beard. Skotte's Simply Script's name. My love for simple slasher flicks. And your character was hilarious as well. Good job man.

5/5

~Zack~