Jaw Knockers by M. R. Phillips (matt44west) - Short, Dark Comedy - Four friends end up in a messy situation during a game of strip poker.  6 pages - pdf, format 8)

I thought it was well written but I didn't get anything out of it.

The writing is fine, but that makes three of us unfortunately. Maybe all the "backstory" is in your head and some of it needed to come out on the paper. There's card playing, some footsies under the table, a gun obsession, the bridge, the swings - I just don't get it - too obscure. Can you shed some light on this perhaps?

Well, that was an interesting script.

The opening kept evoking 'Alpha Dog' for me - just seemed to have that tone.

I kind of guessed you were flipping between the playground and the lounge to progress the one arc, but thought it was maybe a little too explicit. We had the seemingly innocuous bridge, which was of course set up for the body disposal, and when you mentioned there being two bags, it was obvious - too early, I think - that Aaron was heading for a grisly ending.

The main point that I think the others are making here is that we have no explanation as to motives, or any exposition as to why these events are unfolding. I think LC summed it up quite nicely by saying that the back story is likely in your head, and unfortunately not on the page. This is something that I personally am guilty of, but I digress.

Oh, and the metaphor (was it?) with the feet was largely lost on me.

Don't be discouraged, though, 'cos you've written something compelling, but it just requires contextualising.

Andrew

I also didn't understand this at all. Your writing and descriptions are good, but the story itself makes no sense to me. Also to have that many FADE TO BLACK and then FADE IN during such a short script is distracting and slows down the pace of the story.

Well ,it seems to me that the girls are much more interested in each other than they are the guys.  The gun deal gives the girls ideas, and the mid-point of the script is them day-dreaming about knocking off the guys so they can be alone.  Then, at the end, they take the bull by the horns and take out Aaron so they can 'play footsie'.

Interesting script.  Reminds me of something the Coen brothers might think of, but I would change the playground/footbridge scenes into montages.

I think most writer's of shorts tend to come up with great ideas and rely on a couple of strong images but not enough story to top it off. That's what I saw here.

Gary

Hey,

Firstly I didn't understand the cuts to the other random scenes?

And the girl's reaction to the gun-shot was damn unrealistic... Most girls I know scream when a car backfires.

Overall, I just didn't really see the point in this short, sorry. Expand it more, give it a purpose.

Toby.

ok... The writing was clean but the story...? Kind of a non-story, isn't it? I didn't get it.

I can't for the life of me figure out why this script was written.  I'm guessing it has something to do with what Gary alluded to in centering your script around images rather than an actual story.

I really wish the writer of this piece was here to defend his work.

Also, dark comedy?  What was supposed to be funny?

I’m going to disagree here.

Although the actual writing is OK, there are numerous mistakes that shouldn’t be here in such a short script.  It’s an interesting style, and very visual for sure.

What really works here is the imagery and symbolism. For me, it is very impressive and well done.  It’s got a wild kinky and wicked vibe to it, and plays out very nourish.

As for what’s going on, I think Steven nailed it for the most part.  Only hints are given and most of the action is shrouded, or not completely shown.  This appears to be very intentional, and for me, it really works well.

Clean up the mistakes and omissions, and I’d say you’ve got a very impressive little short on your hands…one that is unique with beautiful visuals that say a Hell of a lot more than the few words on the page.

Nicely done!

Sorry. I didn't dig it. I felt the cutaways to the playground and bridge were both pointless to the story and asthetically boring. It took me out of the main action and deluted the overall flow of events. I thought the events themselves were boring as well. Not only did I miss the point of the dialogue but it also made me question how these characters would all find themselves in this situation. Why would these girls want anything to do with these creeps, let alone play strip poker. There's simply not enough information to infer, only to speculate.

My personal thoughts aside, the writing itself felt very focused and dilliberate so I'll assume you have an explanation for everything I've mentioned above. It definitely seems like this is close to what you set out to write. I just didn't enjoy it. Different strokes...

Where's matt44west?

Hey Matt, if that is your name. Read the script, was interesting. I understand why the girls didn't react like normal girls, screaming or whatever, because they were about to kill the other guy, but I think they should jump or shout or something.

Also, was there a reason in there for why the girls killed the guys? I couldn't see it... so maybe chuck one in embed it in the story, it will work much better.

Overall not a bad script. Well written, just needs a bit more.

I tend to agree with TommyP and Dreamscale on this one.
I enjoyed the imagery and the framing. At first I wondered what the hell is going on but I think it paid off. It does leave a feeling of wanting to see more. What happens next? Or what happened before?

Matt

This was indeed a slice of severe ebony black comedy. I actually enjoyed it too, contary to most of the comments above. You squeezed a lot in there for 6 pages, with all characters omitting an evident cuthroat coldness about them, indifferent to what was happening, taking it all in their stride as if it were a game of one pair leading the other two along until their eventual demise. The lesbian undertone added an intriguing dimension to it also.

It is heavily directed in places but you obviously have it mapped out vividly in your min. Anyway I think that the direction assisted the script in telling its storytelling rather than detract from it.

Are you planning on directing this yourself?

Good job, still needs some work though.

I also agree with Dreamscake and Tommyp...only slightly though.

A few questions. Did the two girls have a hand in both the murders?

...and if they did, are they supposed to be femme fatales?

Did the swings represent "something" between the two girls?

I noticed some significance with the word 'jaw' (Ben wanted to shoot his 'mommy's' jaw and both guys got shot in the jaw)...then I realised they were playing strip poker and one of the girls had to remove their bra which was the only thing they had left on....Yes, they really must've been jaw knockers...

And for the record I'd like to "see" what happens after...  :P (Only joking!!!)