Seven Deadly Sins: Sloth - Dolewaller

Hey Ste, what up, mate?

Read your Deadly Sins script, so here goes…

I really like your writing style, Ste.  It’s got a great feel to it, and the visuals you bring out are well crafted.  I could totally see everything playing out here, and I commend you on that.

I was enjoying this quite a bit, but I’m afraid it hit bottom early on and never really recovered.  They story starts out quite engaging, and Irish’s entrance is well done.  The pint refilling itself and time stopping was also nicely done.  I’m not too keen on him being God, though.  And the rest of the story doesn’t go anywhere.  I was hoping for a lot more.

IMO, you don’t need the supers at the start, as the word never gets mentioned even.  Also, being so short, I just think they’re unnecessary here.

I like the flashbacks but you wrote each one differently, and I think that’s an issue.  For instance, in the 2nd flashback, you wrote “END FLASHBACK” on the next slug, which seems odd.  I did like that they are in black and white…it adds a cool visual for sure.

So, Ste, although I definitely like your writing here, the story leaves a lot to be desired. It starts off well, and then  peters out quickly.  The ending isn’t much of an ending, IMO.  I wish you had gone further, added some creepy elements, anything to make this stand out more and be more memorable.

Good effort though for sure.

Stebrown,
Hey, I likes this up until him and God part. This was where the story ended in the copy you emailed me. Personaly, I thought you were heading in a differient direction, you know like being SO slothy (is that a word?) that he was going to bring God down into his slothy lifestyle. You're writing is spot on and I found it a good read.

Shawn.....><

Good effort here Ste. I would have enjoyed the story more had the fear of death not come from Irish (God). And Adam (interesting name choice) doesn't seem like a slothful loser more like a normal slacker. Still you told your story in a OWC-like challenge. I did like how you suggested Irish at the end of the story was guilty of lust.

Gary

Ste,

The writing here was excellent, and you brought the classic British boozer alive, quite literally. The fruit machine through to the drunks who sit just as you described, you were able to show any non-Brits exactly what a working class pub is like.

Irish was a great potential character, but I reckon you ran out of time with this one, so we were unable to see his true benefit. I did love the description at the end when he was with the ladies, and his slicking back of the hair - made me chuckle.

The use of the Elvis reference was such a great opportunity for something a little outlandish with Elvis, and I would've loved to see it developed.

That said, this script was entertaining, but it just lacked the punch I felt you were building us up for. I think that we're left with what it is - a draft in need of completing.

As I say, however, I loved the way you depicted the pub, and how your descriptions were so succinct in achieving that.

Andrew

Hi steve. Yeah, I enjoyed this. The descriptions of the pub and it's characters were great and depicted the feel straight away. The script could easily stand alone, outside of the 'Sins' concept. I can see where some others might've not enjoyed it after Irish turned up, but I didn't have a problem. Overall, nice piece.

I really liked this script. I agree with Jeff that the formatting on the flashbacks were uneven. Straighten that out, and those are fine. I liked the way you did the supers in the beginning. The word, then the definition. However, I wouldn't use the word definition. Id have Dolewaller (n.), to illustrate that your doing a dictionary thing, then just show the definition.

I liked the God idea, and the inference that he's popped up to give him a head start on being grabbed by the devil. Very cool. Well done, ste. Nicely paced and very visual. Well done.

Hey Ste

First of, love the title!

I really like the way you describe the opening in the pub, an image that's easy to picture...every workys club is like this lol.

Adam's character is believable enough and Irish's entrance and the whole suspician moment is very funny.

I'm not sure why Adam suddenly only has an hour to find a job but his mini adventure in trying to find one is entertaining but I wonder if he wouldn't have asked his dad first, even if he already knew his answer.

Like I mentioned, I'm not sure why there was a sudden ergency for him to find employment but that apart I really liked this. I like reading your stuff cos I can really relate to the language you use...obviously. Anywho good writing and a nice little story.

Thanks for the read everyone. Yeah, the deadline kinda killed me on this one. Could have done with another week, but what the hey.

The supers at the start are kind of the titles, but as its a word I thought wouldn't be known by anyone outside of England I put in the definition. I figured it would look cool too and I wanted to set-up a close-up of the burning cigarette end to kind of symbolise his life burning away. Steven, I like your idea about dropping the word DEFINITION and just haven't it as more of a dictionary translation. That would look better.

The flashbacks are different each time because the way they work are different. The first doesn't change time of day or location during the flashback, so I had seperate slugs saying when it was a flashback and when the flashback ended. The second does change location so I fitted the flashback/end flashback onto the end of the slugline. I figured it was the clearest and most space effective way of doing that. The black and white was just a visual thing that again I thought might look cool and make the time difference clearer.

Basically, this was just a light hearted comedy with a bit of a message to it. If you waste your life eventually you're going to pay for it.

Thanks again for the comments and Alffy, good to see ya back around here fella.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown

Thanks again for the comments and Alffy, good to see ya back around here fella.

good to be back, i think i needed the break. not been a good few weeks for the north east either has it!

The descriptions and writing style were very good. It seemed to peter out towards the end IMH. At the start there seemed to be a lot more going on.

It reminded me of one of the Acid House stories by Irving Welsh.
I can't say I've ever heard of a dolewaller, I met a lot of them in the north west. They were just called doleys, amongst other harsher names. Is it local to a region?

Anyways, overall I enjoyed it. You nailed the boozer pretty well and kept interest throughout.

Quoted from rendevous

It reminded me of one of the Acid House stories by Irving Welsh.
I can't say I've ever heard of a dolewaller, I met a lot of them in the north west. They were just called doleys, amongst other harsher names. Is it local to a region?

Yeah, the whole God idea is influenced by Acid House. I love the film and love the book.

People say dolewaller around here (Newcastle) but not sure if it is just a regional thing. That's why I put the definition in.

Oh and Alffy, yes a terrible couple of weeks but the premier League is a micky mouse league anyway. Who needs it!?

Good clean writing but the story wasn't very good. All you had was a guy trying his darndest to get a job after (drunkenly hallucinating and mistaking an old irishman for )God visiting him. Ok, so maybe in your story the old man with the women on his arms is your version of God(blasphemy!) but apart from that character, nothing dramatic happens.
The flashbacks told us what we already knew(and what the characters themselves said pre-flashback) so they weren't needed.
Keep writing though. Good effort

Thanks Jammin. Yeah, this isn't one of my better scripts storywise. I struggled with the deadline a bit and couldn't really develop this as much as I would normally.

I haven't written anything for a while though so this was a good exercise for me, getting me back on track.

I agree the story isn't very good but hopefully there's enough going for it to at least not be boring.

Ste,

I really like your writing style! I think you've come a long way. The read was great that way.

The story wasn't bad, but could be kicked up a bit I think. I loved the glass refilling on its own and the "pause" effect too.

What I was less thrilled about was Irish being God. I think it would work better if he was the devil. The devil playing a trick on him to impress those blondes for example. With Irish being God it just turns out a little too nice in the end and I don't really buy that Adam would change that quickly and except the toilet scrubbing job so easily. Whether or not you use Irish as God or the Devil, you need a little more conflict here. I think that's what's lacking. Make Adam struggle more.

Pia :-)

I like it. What I found I thought first was why do some write with pubs in their scripts, but immediately I found myself in another place, listening to natives talk, and I enjoy being there.

Bringing the quick set up with Irish and Adam was good. No time spent writing the details of stopping time, you just did.

The job hunt was very good. A cry wolf effect on Adam.

The ending however distracted me, didn't like it...let me down from the core of the story which built upon itself. The story ended with Irish being the focus, and I think Adam should have been the focus. Maybe Adam seeing Irish out the corner of his eye after (Adam) graduated to cleaning tables - or something similar - and then he looks and Irish is not there, but swore he was. Or A MONTH LATER the barkeep could ask Adam to take over for him for a day and Irish slides up to the bar for a drink. Something that says Adam stuck it out and acheived some level of success.

Quoted from stebrown

Very strange indeed. The story not good? Well, I'm afraid I have a different opinion. I thought the story was well done, especially given the time limit. And remember, there's no perfect script.

Not only did it meet the theme, but it gives us a very good glimpse of a British pub world. The character of Adam, being one of the typically lost souls who falls into boozing rather than working is a character that has been played out through history. Really. And in fiction.

His reasons for such a fall into sloth might be examined a bit more, but heck, I think we can understand it without any "deep" investigations. He didn't want to work at his dad's garage. He didn't want to work at the news stand. He just doesn't know. Fair enough.

OK so just maybe you want to go back and do some more with this. If you do, then maybe you might like to show him learning something from cleaning toilets. Sounds crazy, but every time a person starts studying anything, they learn there is a heck of a lot to know about anything. How might Adam become "more" than what he ever could have dreamed by cleaning toilets?

Ridiculous sounding, I know, but I'm serious. And I happen to wish that people did take pride in their jobs. Ask my husband. Every time we drive into Olds now, he proclaims, as we drive over a very poorly patched bump in the road, that is now like a speed bump, "No love." Because that's happened to be my refrain. Really. I couldn't help but think that no love went into repairing the road. They just smacked it down. 'tsit. like that. Indeed. No love. So now it's a joke between us, but yes, it does matter the job you do. No matter what it is.

As far as Irish being God. I rather liked it. Why not? He made us didn't He? In His image.

I think of the lyrics to the song: What if God were one of us? Just a slob like one of us. Trying to make His way home... Joan Osborne.

Very nicely done, Stephen.

Sandra

Thanks for the reads.

Pia

Yeah, I would be adding more conflict if I came to do a rewrite of this. Not sure about Irish being 'The Devil', just there seems to be alot of scripts with a Devil kind of reincarnation in it.

Cloroxmartini

You raise a good point about the ending. Pleased you enjoyed the build-up and I admit the ending was a little rushed due to the timeframe. It'll be getting looked at in a rewrite.

Sandra

Pleased you enjoyed it. I'm a bit down-beat on this story because I could see problems with it as I was writing it, but just didn't have the time to sort it out.

I wanted it to be a visual experience of someone earning a second chance. The effort Adam goes through to earn that second chance needs to be looked at, but I think most people got what I was going for.

The fact you and cloroz both say you could picture the scene well is encouraging. I plan to experiment in heavy sci-fi soon, so hopefully the descriptions will be just as easy to picture with those.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown

I wanted it to be a visual experience of someone earning a second chance. The effort Adam goes through to earn that second chance needs to be looked at, but I think most people got what I was going for.

The fact you and cloroz both say you could picture the scene well is encouraging. I plan to experiment in heavy sci-fi soon, so hopefully the descriptions will be just as easy to picture with those.

Ste

You should be very encouraged. I can't really explain it very well, but when I work, I work on a very internal level with feelings and it's a lot of work for me to transfer that over visually. Perhaps that's one of the challenges that really drives me in writing for screen. The fact that I am really getting your images is a strong point for you to be proud of. (Sin of pride excluded ;D)

Really well done Stephen. Big Congratulations. I expect to "see" this one on screen in the future! And then I'll be having one of those (for anyone who read that post) deja vu moments like during Angels and Demons.

Sandra

Hey Ste,

Just finished your script.  Not bad.  I felt the ending could have been stronger and believe what Pia suggested about turning Irish into the Devil would add to the story.

I'm not sure if you're using a northern or a southern Irish person as a reference but could only imagine you've used someone from the south.  I didn't like the line "If you’d be so kind?"  I've never heard an Irishman say that.

When you used daft, this brought a smile to me.

If you changed mother to ma and your to yer then you'd add more Irish to him.  Plus, Irish never finished a sentence with 'like'.  Something I believe the geordies say a lot too.

I liked your flashbacks.  Just feel that the second one shouldn't have been mentioned within the slug.

Overall, not bad, a good start that petered out towards the end.

All the best,

Javier

Hey Ste.

I liked the SUPER at the start, very nice way to kick things off. And as I've read in previous scripts of yours, you envoke the spirit of a crowded, standard British pub very well. Is having a character playing a fruit machine while drinking a pint a trademark of yours? Because this definitely isn't the first time I've come across it. Irish's entrance was good, instantly made me wonder who exactly he was.

However, despite the strong opening, overall the story wasn't terrific, I'm afraid. I was disappointed to find out that Irish was God. Would God really bother himself with one little dolewaller? His 'magic tricks' such as the bottomless pint and freezing time were nifty (and also easy to shoot, as miracles go), but I think he should have been more openly threatening, so that Adam was more motivated to find that job.

I think, also, that it would have worked better if Adam had been older than 18 - after all, he hasn't wasted THAT MUCH of his life yet. I liked the secondary characters - the pub landlord, his dad - and this was nicely written. I agree with those who say that Irish should in fact be revealed to be the Devil - I thought you might have been hinting at that, actually, at the end.

Nice one.

I honestly thought the big reveal was going to be that Irish was really a Leprechaun.

Besides Irish can't be God cause Morgan Freeman is God.

Nicely written but the story itself is ho-hum and towards the end down right tacky. (God in itallian suit hooking up with hot blondes who flash pearly smile at camera? Zeus I can see doing this, or maybe Satan, but God? nah)

Hey Mr. Brown,

How goes it?  Thought I would check out your sin script. I know you guys had to write this quick - so I took that into account.  Just kidding.  It was good.   I thought you captured the pub atmosphere quite well.  And an Irish god - well that's good craic.

On the other hand, after reading some of these comments having Irish be a leprechaun would have been a hoot too.  And I have to agree that I'm not to sure about the two blondes at the end.  Maybe if they were angels.

I would have also liked to have seen more of a build-up of the Adam character.  I thought it would have been a bit more effective if instead of the flashback we had seen this behaviour from him at the very start.  That would have made his arc a bit more obvious.

Lastly I thought Irish's threat to Adam was a bit too nebulous.  It would be better if Irish told Adam exactly how he was going to die in an hour.  It would have made it more perilous.

All in all not too shabby for the time period. well done.

Hey Ste. Just read the short.

I thought it was alright. Great writing, and a pretty good story. I think you have done well, because if 100 people were asked seperately to write a script on the topic, many of them would be the same. You have thought outside the square with the God thing, and it turned out well.

As a few people have already said, I think this was a bit rushed, and there were a few small formatting problems, but it wasn't bad at all.

Well done.

Thanks for the reads.

Javier, thanks for the Irish tips. I like the language and the accent, which was the reason to have the character in the first place.

Jonny, yes the fruit machine is (c) stebrown 2009 ;) I think the other script was 'The Honeymoon is Over'. It's a very British thing to do and can also provide a good up or down start for the character (winner/loser).

Tonka, why would you begrudge God a nice suit and some female companionship? The guy deserves a day off every now and then surely. The end there, whilst probably a bit blasphomous is just a joke that after all He's said and done to Adam, he's a bigger sinner himself. The Leprechaun idea is very intreaging though haha.

Mr Cornetto, with more time I would have developed Adam a bit more. Would have shown more of his laziness etc. I agree with you about having Irish spell out what he was going to do to him a bit more.

Tommy, thanks for the read. Pleased you enjoyed it for the most part.

I won't be doing a rewrite for this in the foreseeable as I have a Soulshadows episode to write but your comments, as always, are appreciated.

Ste

Ste

I usually enjoy the unabashed Britishness of your writing, especially in your piece "The Honeymoon is over". This was another contender, the style being a highlight for me.

Apologies but I'm ignorant to the title "Dolewaller" I know you define it at the start, did you make it up? If not, is it a Newcastle or North East phrase?

A career drunk’s natural habitat. Four such DRUNKS in
residence. They sit on separate tables. Far enough apart to
avoid the risk of conversation -- eats up valuable drinking
time. -- Loved this introductory piece, sets up the loacation staright away for the reader to visualise, the atmosphere and type of clientele.

As for the story, it was okay. Reminded me of a "Christmas Carol" with the flashbacks. I've said it before how I'm not a big fan of these omnipresent, mysterious all-knowing strangers that seem to crop up in scripts from time to time. It's descended into cliche for me at this stage, seems to happen all too much. In this case you really went for it by just having God himself, no pretenders to the throne here. I genuinely loved the fact he was Irish though, nice twist.

The dialogue was good, regardless, very british again in its phrasing and character and your writing in general is solide, no complaints there.

The plot itslef just felt it lacked something, I mean, Adam didn't really do anything to deserve the job at the end, except swallow his pride and ask for jobs off a couple of people he had wronged in the past (given the flashback, how did he EVER think Rad was gonna hire him, he really set himself up for that chase). Yeah I know cleaning toilets is far from enviable but according to Irish its saved his life so it really was better than nothing. I don't think Adam deserved though if you know what I mean.

The whole thing seemed to lack any great conflict although I will make special mention to the scene with his father, brilliantly scripted in my opinion, I love the disappointed, given up all hope attitude of his Dad, sad but powerful. I've seen cases of that myself with families I know.

I realise to that these exercises are difficult, I think you have a good character in Adam, maybe with more time you could work out a more effective story to underline the themes you wanted to explore hee. As it stands its too formulaic, too straightforward.

Best of luck with this, I'd love to see you develop Adam and his story, its got great potential.

Col

I enjoyed this, especially the writing style. Cut and dry but with character. You've also got probably the coolest interpretation of God I've ever read (or seen). The story is simple enough and the payoff fits. Not sappy at all. The only thing I don't understand is the title. I wouldn't even have brought it up had you not included the definition in your script. This guy, Adam, doesn't seem to "sponge off the government" at all. What's the deal?

Thanks for the reads.

Col

'Dolewaller' is a British phrase meaning someone who lives on the dole. They're the ones that don't have any intention of getting a proper job but twist the benefit system so that they can have a pretty cushy life without putting in any work. Most regions of Britain would be familiar to the phrase or word have a similar version of it.

I'm pleased you enjoyed the atmosphere of the piece and I agree with you about the lack of conflict. If I spend some more time to rewrite this I'd definately address that problem.

The idea of the flashbacks and stuff actually came from a Mr Noisy story I remember from my childhood. Mr Noisy was going around the shops trying to get his food in but everyone was annoyed that he would just shout everything so they pretended they didn't hear him. Eventually he learnt his lesson and lowered his voice. Lol, not really the same idea but that's where the original thought came from haha.

James

Yeah, valid point that the definition isn't really needed. It's there mainly because I thought it would look cool haha. Not sure where you're from but in Britain we get 'dole' if you're out of work. There are people who just live off that without any intention of finding work. 'Dole' is now called Job Seekers Allowance and makes it more difficult to be like that but alot of people still find their way around it and I didn't think 'Job Seekers Allowancedweller' had the same ring to it ;)

Ste

Quoted from stebrown

James

Yeah, valid point that the definition isn't really needed. It's there mainly because I thought it would look cool haha. Not sure where you're from but in Britain we get 'dole' if you're out of work. There are people who just live off that without any intention of finding work. 'Dole' is now called Job Seekers Allowance and makes it more difficult to be like that but alot of people still find their way around it and I didn't think 'Job Seekers Allowancedweller' had the same ring to it ;)

Ste

I gotcha. I thought it looked cool also, haha. I'm not from anywhere the people would no what 'dolewaller' means so I think the definition helps give a sense of what the story is about. I'd just leave out the government bit.

Print Topic