Down at Smokey's by Richard Buckley (cathead) - Short, Comedy, Horror - Colin fancies himself as a ladies man, after a bet at with a barmaid tired of his advances, will he finally meet his match… 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Rewritten as:

Why do Vampyre's Love Bingo? by Richard Buckley (cathead) - Short, Horror, Comedy - Bingo, Vamp's and the King of sleeze… 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Rewritten as:

Your Sleezy Heart by Richard Buckley (cathead) - Short, Comedy - Will the past finally catch up with the King of Sleeze? 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Richard

I'll start with a little niggle which is your slugs need altering slightly.  They should read EXT. BINGO HALL - NIGHT.  Also I think this should be INT rather than EXT.

You have quite a few spelling and grammer error, especially for a short of this length.  Also, you should lose the 'we see's' too.

You have some pretty good descriptions and your dialogue is strong enough throughout but....I didn't get the ending.  I know it's a comedy/horror but this is a comedy until the last line and that doesn't make it a horror.  The ending comes out of nowhere, there's no indication that Lily's a vampire and unfortunately this kills your story.  What came before was interesting enough but I'm sorry but I didn't like the ending.

Thanks for the review, i agree with the ending being too sudden i wrote it out in a morning and its pretty much my first almost finished short. Im gonna have to write another draft and build up lily's character more. Will review have alook at some of yours.

Richard,

It always makes me smile to see antics like I might if I were to pop down the local. The ogling Colin with his tan, reminds me of a few people, so that's a good start.

The stakes seemed far too low, however, for the bet. Colin stood practically nothing to gain, and his loss was much bigger - sure, he was uber-confident that he wouldn't fail, but why wouldn't he negotiate better terms? If he had negotiated, then I think you could've created a funny little exchange between him and Sally.

Also, this comment:

Quoted Text COLIN Bingo and church, the two best places for pussy.

felt a little too explicit. I mean, I know you were emphasising he's all about the "pussy", but something more subtle would've been more believable, and ultimately funny, I think.

This:

Quoted Text He releases a further button, producing a few sprigs of gleaming chest hair.

was much more subtle and amusing.

The conversation between Lily and Colin was pretty disjointed. We very uneasily segued from a funny-type bet story to a full-on horror. It was kind of like starting the treadmill at level 1, turning away, and then realising we're on level 10. You needed a more gradual easing in. I think if you were to drop in a scene that facilitated a more gradual change of gears, then it make a decent little story.

Andrew

Hey, Richard, read your script. It was intersting, funny where it had to be and all around a good read. Only problem I had with it is that the grammer in your dialog is very annoying, or in other words kinda bad. Several times you wrote "I'm" like this: "im", I kept mistaking them as typos for the word "in". Another example wold be:

"SALLY
Ive told you a thousand times,
stop! looking at my tits."

You could have written it with out the exclamation and instead could have just underlined "stop".

Other than some of the grammer, the scripts was good.

Best of luck to you,

Xavier.

Hey, Andrew thanks for the comments. I did consider changing the word to 'tail', still not sure. I didnt really think to much about the stakes of the bet, but i'll have a think. Ive made a change already about the abrupt change in tone, after it was posted it didn't look write to me.

Xavier, I must admit my grammer is a bit of a weak point for me, im already working on it in my second draft.

This actually had a good start as you painted a vivid picture of some rundown old Bingo hall somewhere in England.  I guess every sleazy bar in the world needs a greasy old creep like Colin.  Unfortunately, the story went right off the rails when it turns out the Asian chick is a vampire.  Talk about outta left field.  And then it just...ends.  Yeah, I'd say you have a work in progress here.  Maybe try again and lose the vampire girl.  And as Andrew stated, you also need to up the stakes.  

Richard

Nice read. Probably could have used a couple more pages for the ending. The sad thing is my brother in law's called Colin and the discription is just a little too close for comfort. I'm becoming facinated by shorts, keep them coming.

Liked this one a lot. Some good clear imagery here. Quite a few typos, nothing major. It was very witty and very real, if you follow me. I think I've been in that place before. I've certainly met a few Colins.

Re

Richard

I said I'd take a look at this from the positive comments. Some grammatical errors aside the writing is pretty decent, quite colourful and diverse in parts.

"Within the foam of his pint reads ’SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH OF ENGLAND’" -- I'm confused by this, is it a superimposed caption or what?

COLIN
Bingo and church, the two best
places for pussy. -- Great line

Colin had some good lines throughout, a funny if a tad caricatural individual, but he served his purpose within the piece. Some of your descriptive was vivid and entertaining too.

"Colin leans back and surveys his kingdom."

"He releases a further button, producing a few sprigs of gleaming chest hair."

Both these made me smile.

The ending however didn't do anything for me, felt very rushed and tagged on just to shock the reader, if nothing else. You've got a good premise here for a sketch, maybe think about incorporating a better payoff.

Col.

Promising but sloppy.

Do like the banter between Colin and Sally although the bet comes on quick  and feels a lil pushed to me.

Somebody mentioned that Colin has nothing to gain. Suggestion, if Sally decideds what will happen if he fails first, Sally can then, guarded, ask "what, pray tell, do you want if you win?" prompting Colin to gander at her glorious rack and offer "nothing that ain't already comin' my way." Something like that would display the slimey confidence that oozes out of Colin's pores.

Don't get why Sally looks the 70 year old and 40 year old. The bet is prompted after Sally says "there’s not a chance in hell you can make it
with anyone under thirty with half a brain." I figured this would be a term in the bet. It's a little confusing.

Everyone already commented on the ending. Personnally, I thought she was gonna end up being a ladyboy. Still, the horror element seems tacked on. I think you could come up with a better ending.

Anyway, enjoy it and look forward to seeing the next draft. Good show.

Hi all,

Firstly i'd like to thank you for the kind comments, this Idea came from a line to my girlfriend 'All this bingo is making me horny' which incidentally was whilst playing bingo.

Col. I imagined the words inbedded in the foam, just visable kind of. I take everyone's point about the ending. Ive bulked the second draft out, but im still not sure.

Souter Fell, i see your point when it comes to who Sally looks at, ive touched on this in second draft however, and i figure there's not many 'Lookers' at a bingo hall.

Im gonna see how the next draft goes, if it doesn't work at least i have a nice setting and a character who people seem to get.

Cathead,

You need to go to bingo in a small town. Went last week, full of lookers. Had a good night.

i went in the middle of last week, it was half empty, mainly the die hards. Can win some good money though.

Richard, thought I'd give this a read while waiting for dinner to be ready.

Misuse of word - glares at her chest - "to stare with a fiercely or angrily piercing look" don't think that's what you meant.

I thought your writing was fine. If others say there were a few grammatical errors and typos, they are probably right. That didn't bother me though as I didn't remember seeing very many myself.

The story itself is okay. I think it would work better though if you set it up better so the ending doesn't feel so "out of left field" if you know what I mean. The vampire thing is sort of interesting and a surprise, but it needs a better set-up.

I did have some issues with this script though. The believability factor...

I suppose things could be different in the UK, but when I was growing up in Sweden I used to go to a bingo hall with my grandmother and I also went a couple of times here in Florida with my husband's grandma. To me, bingo halls is for OLD people. If I try to convince myself that young women go there too, I still would have a hard time picturing hot young women dressed to be picked up there. In my limited bingo experience, it's about 99% women only. I admit I could be totally wrong, but that's what comes to mind for me...

Next we have Colin's character... I don't know what "cowboy" type guys are like in the UK, but here at least, they do not where gold jewelry. Trust me on this one. I know cowboy wannabes, but real ones as well. Jewelry is pretty much for women only and used car-sales men. You did say his spurs hit the floor. He wears cowboy spurs in the UK? I guess it could be true. I have no idea. It just doesn't seem believable to me. Ditto that for cigar smoking. Cowboys smoke Marlboros, not cigars!  ;D

Anyway, all in all I thought you did pretty good. Work the build-up to the ending better and make Colin less of a cartoonish character and you will have an easily filmed short.

Pia  :)

Hey Richard, this didn't really work for me. To start with I don't think the title is great, it sounds more like the setup for a joke rather than a film title. It also gives away the fact that the girl in the story is a vampire, something which you would be better off disguising.

The opening description felt like you were trying to be too literary. Also I don't know if it is necessary to have the raven, what is the point? You coul have just started in the bar with the actual story.

Just after you introduce Colin you have 'he glares at the barmaid's chest...'. You need to CAP barmaid because it is the first time you are introducing the character, you hadn't even mentioned that there was a barmaid.

The line 'this place wreaks of half-baked razzmatazz' feels very awkward and strange. What does it even mean? The word is also spelled 'reeked' and not 'wreaked'.

You also need to CAP the two older women who walk up to the bar.

The bet that Sally makes with Colin seems strange. One minute she is saying there's not a chance in hell she will go out the back with him, and a second later she is changing her mind. Why would she agree to that bet if she were so disgusted by him?

You also have a few instances here and later on in the script where you have spaces between sentences in the dialogue. You don't need to have spaces there, it is not correct format.

CAP the Asian girl when you introduce her.

Few spelling and grammar issues here as well, 'your' instead of 'you're' etc.

When he sits down next to the Asian girl, why does she say 'I hope your not going to be trouble? Seems like an unlikely thing to say. Again, it is 'you're' not 'your'.

'Colin coughs at the foul green stench emitting from Lily's mouth.' How can a stench be green? How do we see a stench?

He notices a body slumped in the door of the toilet. Is this an everyday thing that he just ignores? Does nobody else in the room get suspicious that there is a body lying in the doorway to the bathroom?

Okay so even we know the chick is a vampire from the title of the film, it still feels out of place to have her just turn into a vampire. Maybe it's just me and I think that every second story seems to have vampires in them now, but it wasn't really set up earlier in the story so it feels like it came out of nowhere.

Having Mildred standing over the body was a jolt because I didn't even know who Mildred was. I had to go back and check and prior to that we only had a glance at her. If you are going to have her feature this prominently it would be a good idea to introduce her to us earlier on and at least have a line or two so we know who she is. Otherwise it is just too random.

If that was the third one this week, wouldn't they be on alert? Wouldn't Colin have realised earlier that she was most likely a vampire, especially after he saw the body in the doorway? I also don't understand what is meant by the line 'boiled sweet anyone?'

So I am guessing the end is supposed to be funny, but it feels flat. What is it with vampires and bingo? Like i said before, it feels like you are providing the setup for a joke but have failed to give us the punchline.

I think it needs a bit more thought put into it and a good edit before it will be up to scratch.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hey cat,

Sorry to say it but I think you took a step backwards on this draft. All the typo's remain and where you had so little to connect the vampire theme to the story in the previous draft, this is so on the nose that it's completely unbelievable. Green coming out of a chick's mouth is bad enough but a dead body as well in what seems to be known as a frequently visit vampire joint. Doesn't work.

It's not that I mind the horror comedy stuff, just the tone is all over and is illogical. Maintaining the suspension of disbelief is ciritcal and the new changes send it out the window. Plus, I was looking forward to hearing the clever line as to why vampires love bingo but it never came. That would've at least provided a punch line.

hey Richard,

I must say, spelling and grammatical errors aside, I enjoyed this script up until Colin first talks to Lily. This section seemed like fairly realistic and reminded me of two low-lifes who do nothing but hang out at the bar. I wouldnt make Colin so physically unappealing however. Maybe he should have a little bit of weight, but definitely not so short. I originally pictured Colin as a casanova has-been who has grown a bit too old for his game.

When Colin and the vampire start talking, then the major dilemmas start to surface. These two poster have alreay addressed these concerns, so I wont repeat them.

So in conclusion, take some time off from working on this script, come back in a week or two, edit it, and let me know when its back up. Id really like to read it again once youve got some of the kinks worked out

Hi pia, thanks for the comments. Think you may be right about the word glare.

Bingo's become quite popular over here, in reality you get a strange mix of old women and groups of teenage girls, and the odd lonely man from what ive heard. Only been once.

Colin's character is  a bit of a cop out for me when it comes to the cowboy thing, as whatever i would get wrong in the look, colin could also get it wrong, He's kind of aware but not exactly an expert on the look if you get me. I agree that he's  cartoonish and this could be toned down if im introducing a horror element.

Trojan's analysis above seems spot on to me.

The combination of bingo and demonic creatures could be a good one - but you need to sharpen the piece up for the idea to really work. Wish I could be more specific. Maybe either make the story more about Lily or give Colin's story more prominence and closure?

Contrary to one of the other comments above, the opening dialogue didn't work for me. Sally's disgust was too over the top for the bet to be credible. If she finds him so repulsive, why not just give him a wide berth?

This sort of reminded me of From Dusk Til Dawn in the sense that I enjoyed everything until the vampire showed up. If Lily loves bingo so much, why would she blow her cover in the middle of a game?

I liked the fact that Lily loved bingo, it was strange and off beat. I liked your title as well... I sorta knew what to expect. But even still, the tone shift was pretty drastic. In the setup, we have something very real going on, nothing about vampires... at all. Not even a pun or a mention of vampires. Then, bam! Dead body in the lady's room and Lily bites Colin's neck. Sure, it offers a big surprise, but meh. Didn't quite work for me.

Do like the final line -- What is it with them and bingo? -- Who, the Chinese? -- No! Vampires!

However, it did feel forced, didn't sound right coming out of Sally's mouth. We don't really see her as a dumb character, then she misinterprets Colin's comment. Of course he's talking about vampires! He's bleeding from his bloody neck!

Richard, I had to read this one simply because of the title. The logline doesn't give us much, maybe that was intentional.

The opening gag was pretty good with the raven. Much of this felt like Mel Brooks. You have some good humor in there but it probably needs the right audience. The dialogue structure started to bother me with all of the skipped lines, I assume these are meant to be beats? I think ellipses do the job just fine without skipping lines.

Pretty good writing, good pacing with the jokes and a good idea.

James

Hey Richard,

I see you're new. Welcome aboard.  :)

I've seen both drafts of this one. The second script you have added three pages. I like the addition so far, but I think it still needs more work. You have been given some good advise by other members and I have to agree with a lot of what they have said...

The vampire comes out of nowhere. What if we didn't know the title?

I think you should set something up in the beginning, not the title, but maybe a flyer on the door saying ABSOLUTELY NO VAMPIRES ALLOWED. ??? Maybe even have mirrors all over the bingo hall, and the one by Lily is covered with something. ???

Then too, you might want to add a little twist at the end. Maybe Lily isn't a vampire. Maybe Lily is in on it with the barmaid, trying to get the cowboy out of the bingo hall at least for one evening, and we find this out after the cowboy runs out of the bingo hall, and fake vampire teeth fall out of Lily's mouth. ???

There's a lot you can do with this. I think it could be quite good if you correct grammar, and do some work to the story.

P.S. I liked the raven.  :)

Cindy

Looking over your script again, noticed a couple of things.

The most glaring of all, Lily shouldn't just jump out like that. This is a good oppurtunity to create a scary playful banter. Figure out some reason why Colin would drive her crazy. She's acting odd but Colin thinks it's flirty. Maybe she leans in around the church line and draws back when he produces a crucifix. He mistakes her repulsion or the cross for the repulsion of his crass behavior. Eventually they go back and forth until somehow he's cut open, you get the drill. Just an idea.

Oh, and rephrase "jams her foot into his crotch." I know what you're getting at but it just sounds unmistakably painful and incapable of being confused for flirtation.

Hi all, Id like to thank you for your reviews and comments. Its become obvious that I need to put this one aside for awhile and have a think, and take all thats been said on board.

My big problem seems to be how to set this all up, i might lengthen the whole thing, add some characters, backstory etc, as i like the combination of sex, bingo and vampires.

That said im still learning and it's my mistakes that'll make me better.

I won't bother to add much to what has already been said, as you have indicated that you're taking it on board - I would agree with pretty much everything already posted.

What I would say is that, instead of trying a rewrite, or tinkering with projects, I have always found the best way forward to literally to junk the script, and start again from scratch - you can find yourself bogged down with what you have already written and tie yourself into knots trying to work new and old together.

One thing I would say in this script's favour - loved the bit where Colin gets off the chair and is revealed to be short! That is something I would keep!!!

As far as I can tell this seems to be the 3rd version of this story you have posted up. Instead of continuing to have new threads going why don't you just re-submit the story in the original thread? As it is I have to wonder why you keep persisting with this one when you could simply come up with a new story altogether.

I mean it is better without the vampires in it but it still has problems and is a bit strange. Now you have Colin as some former disco singer or something in South Africa? It feels like you are trying to force the story here and the fact that you have played with it so much is a sign that it isn't working. The middle part is the same and you have just tacked on a new beginning and ending, which doesn't work IMO.

I was confused as to the scene with the woman in the bathroom stall, what was the point of it? Why do you have character names twice in a row in dialogue when nobody else is speaking in between? If it is still the same character speaking you don't have to list their name again. There are also numerous spelling and grammar mistakes, passive writing and I'm not sure why you use CAPS everytime for a colour.

Basically what I'm getting at is instead of spending so much time trying to rework this story you would be better off getting the basics handled. Spelling, grammar, format etc. Then try and come up with some new stories because this one just feels forced and stale by now.

Cheers,
Tim.

I had a look at this the last time around and this is a little better.

As I said before, Colin is too much like my brother in law for comfort.

I'm not quite sure where you're going with this one. With the changes you've made you could have just as easily written another short. We all fall in love with our own scripts and characters, but there comes a time...

Also remember that every review, no matter what it says, is a compliment.

If you don't know how to post on the same thread, there's never any harm in asking for advise.

Keep shooting Cat, we're all here to learn.

I read your last version and actually I think that was better than this. Sorry but I couldn't finish the script because I was still in confusion on page 5.

Since I read your last version I sort of knew what the story is about, but the first few pages just don't do much to your overall story. Who is Jack Rabbit in the truck? Why the woman asking for tissue paper in the washroom?

I'd actually prefer that you start your main story as soon as possible. Especially in a short.

Thanks for the reviews guys it's always appreciated. Sorry for the late reply i've been away for awhile.

At this moment I'm just trying to figure out what works and what doesn't so your comments are always grateful. I'm definately gonna come up with something new though as this is getting a bit tiresome. Onwards and upwards.

Thanks.

Cathead.