Our Time Deserves A Love Song by Marnie Mitchell Lister (wannabe) (Been There)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - An aging musician relives his first love when someone asks what inspired him to write a particular love song. - pdf, format 8)

This was an odd one. It had all the ingredients and very nearly pulls it off. I dunno, something in there holding it back from going from good to great.
Maybe too much detail on little things early on.
things picked up halfway through and the ending is nice.

A ggod re-write and this will be one of the better ones.


Note- no idea who wrote it. But its interesting trying to remember which writers have a distinctive 'look' from the software or template they use..

Mmm, the beginning was a little too meandering. I was losing track of the characters. Nice use of flashback (the image of it, if not the 'slug' - thanks Elis, if I got it wrong) and voice over though. The actual story just came a little late imo. Loved the opening image and the final scene/image ... which did take me by surprise. Great title too.

Aww!
Loved the ending.
That aftermath was spot on.

Great little story :)

I would have used a flashback to show the past. I know it is the major part of the story, but I think it still applies.

quote:For a brief and dreamy moment the man looks like a
younger version of Bart who picks up his son, now a
younger version of Adam and grabs his wife’s hand.

Now if this is to be action we see, shouldn't it be presented as such?
The way this reads to me is just hear-say and not visible to the viewer. ( I may be wrong)

All in all. There was a small amount of humor and lots of romance...Kudos on that

Loved the read, thanks.

Almost forgot...The Lyrics blended well with the story...They were the story :P

I'll try ta adopt my best frickin' accent for this wicked cool script. Nothin' like tryin' ta get the Cape on a friday on tha' Bourne Bridge; talk about a frickin' pahkin' lot...Course in '76 they wouldah tuned into COZ or BCN, but the ditzy NY blonde wouldn't known that- hell, she's probably a Yankees fan [Yankees Suck]...the fact she had to take a whizzah was funny-added some comedy. Liked the romance between Mary an' Adam; it was, y'know, cute. 'Cept the dog bein' Ozzy-He was still in the guddah in 76, and yeah, he might have been down with Ol' School Sabbath, but the Ozzman didn't come into his own until 79 when Sharon saved him-(bless her haht) with Blizzahd of Ozz.  Liked the after school special reference...I remebah them on ABC and dreadin' havin' ta watch them instead of the Three Stooges on Channel 38. Liked the 76' Coloseum toowa-back when goin' to concert MEANT somethin'-a comin of age thing. I dunno 'bout Mary actually gettin' convented...Them Catholic parents used to threaten it, but nevah actually followed through. I guess this one did though and went on to strike terrah and feyah inta the hahts of CCD kids fourevah. Liked the set up of the song as a Storytellah session; the exposition fit well with the lyrics...Ovah all,  good job.

I think this is good, very romantic and kinda sad. I agreed that the story starts off a bit late and I was wondering where this story is going. The characters are relatable as well.

You somewhat met the criteria of the challenge, just a bit more comedy would do.

I have no problem with the writing.

So a good job here.

p3 - is Adam in cadillac too? He is, but you don't have it there.

"a brief and dreamy moment" is totally confusing to me, throws me off the track - because you did not introduce BArt as his dad, and Julie as Bart's girlfriend - but when I read on I understood. That took me away from the story when it shouldn't have.

but those are minor points, easily reworkable. I thought that your script was lovely, full of spirit... and romance.

Liked it a lot! A lot!

Nice!  Another solid entry.  Easily one of the best so far.

Story worked well, and worked when all was said and done. It was moving, and you wrote your characters very well.  The beginning was defintely too detailed and slow, but you pulled it off in the end for sure.

Don't see any romantic comedy here, or much humor at all, but for what it is, it does work.

Although I defintely think you did an admirable job with the music, I think it could have been better.  I couldn't get the words to fit into the melody at all...the words, although nice for the message, could be much stronger...that's my only real complaint here.

With another week or so, this could be great.  Very nicely done.

i thought, while a bit simplistic, the story could have been crafted well enough to work...my biggest problem would be with the preponderance of those dreaded "ly" words...most studio readers really frown on that and red flags the script as one done by a "newbie"...try developing a stronger stable of "action verbs" and you'll see how much easier the description will flow...also there seemed to be subtext in your description.."obviously, not what he expected"...like the dialog...thought it clearly stood out as the strongest part of the script...

That was lovely, definitely Romantic.  

Nicely written.  And the ending gave me shivers.

It's missing the comedy but really, who cares?

The lyrics were well done and their reason for existing even more so.

The one thing I would question is the inclusion of Bart and Julie up front.  In a script this short you don't really need a diversion like that.  It made the begining quite slow.

Great job, overall!

You get
:) ;) :P :D :'(

13-OUR TIME DESERVES A LOVE SONG

Pros – Romance! Style is a step up.

Cons – Catholic girl becomes nun?

Comedy – Light touch. Enough to qualify as light dramedy

Romance – Very sweet vibe going here.

Lyrics – Incorporated as lyrics for Storytellers – I remember the show on VH1!

Writer – Solid.  “He’s heartbroken and speechless.” Show don’t tell?

Criteria – Solid on all criteria.

Gary

There wasn't much comedy here but I actually really liked the story.  I thought the idea was great and the lyrics fit perfectly.

I wasn't thrilled with Mary becoming a nun, it seemed a bit unnatural, if that makes sense.  Why was she barred from leaving the family boundry and being sent to become a nun?  The ending was a nice touch though.

I agree with Michael that the beginning was a tad slow but once Adam arrived at his mothers the pace picked up.

Your two main characters were believable and their bond felt real, a touching story.

A good effort and one of the best i've read so far.

Hey. Great script. Not comedy, but it was a good ending.

Instead of having "listens" when Liza is on the phone, maybe have "beat".

"Obviously, not what he expected. He’s heartbroken and speechless" is a weak. Show don't tell.

I liked it how you portrayed love, as a short thing, not two people being together for their whole life.

Well done with this, good read.

I did enjoy this, but there's no comedy here.

I think you could eliminate some of the Bart and Julie stuff
in the beginning, because this story isn't about them.

I'm almost wondering if you went back and added this
in order to try and put in some comedy.

My thoughts are is that you might consider reworking
the beginning.

This here:

>For a brief and dreamy moment the man looks like a
younger version of Bart who picks up his son, now a
younger version of Adam and grabs his wife’s hand.

Really clunky.

And here:

>MARY
I’m leaving tomorrow. My mother
is sending me away, to a convent.
I’ve known for a while but was
too scared to tell you.

Obviously, not what he expected. He’s heartbroken and
speechless.

The above words kind of rang true with how I felt with this development; the reason being, is because it felt really forced. Again, same old story and problem I think I have, but I never see it. Not the proper foreshadowing.

So, yes, she can bring on this news, but we need to see how and why her mother is being pushed to the edge like this.

I love the way you chose to end this. Very good creative decision. ... and it's
strange, because as I said, I feel like you need to rework the beginning.

Hmmm.... I wonder if you could show Mary in some kind of scene where she gets a weird kind of shiver as she passes a church or something. When she's doing something bad with friends, sneaking out late or something... Maybe it creeps her out, but in a good way. Just that fated kind of deal. I don't know. It's late and I'm burnt. Don't listen to me!  ;D

This has potential.

Sandra

Interesting read. This one came pretty close to a romantic dramedy and the song was quite good... it probably could've used a bit more comedy though.

For me though, I didn't completely buy the chemistry between Mary and Adam. There was a spark but to me it didn't ring true to a relationship that two people would still hold on to 40ish years later. A lot of that probably had to do with the beginning... because of the way his family situation dominated the first few pages, it made me think that for Adam, Mary was only an escape from his "after-school drama." I think you could lose much of the bit in the beginning involving his parents and setting up his new home and introduce Adam and Mary early on so that the reader has a chance to watch their relationship grow from attraction to love.

Looking at all of that, it sounds like I didn't enjoy it but I really did. It was one of my favorites so far and very well done. I just think it needs to be tweaked a little bit, which shouldn't be difficult for you based on how well-written the rest of the script is. Well done.

Ah, the extended flashback sequence. Nice to see some different narrative devices being used.

Meeting the competition criteria: romance? I think so. The drama, too. Don't know about the comedy...Julie, such an obviously comic character, actually felt out of place in this. I think it was pretty on the money, though, and the song was used well
Characters: already expressed my problem with Julie. She seemed larger than life in a generally muted script. Adam I liked, particularly the brief screen-time of older Adam
Dialogue - nothing I can particularly remember being exceptional, but also nothing that jarred or felt out of place. Mary and Adam's opening exchange reminded me of the last verse of 'Teenage Dirtbag'...not that's necessarily good or bad
Story: Someone said that they didn't buy that Adam would remember this encounter 40 years on...my counter to that would be take the example of 'The Truman Show'. Truman's brief encounter with Lauren drives his actions all those years later, and I bought this the same way I bought that. Childhood romances, especially ones that ended before they could really become something, just as this did, really can linger, So yeah, not only did I accept that, I liked it. I had a problem with the ending, however. Packing Mary off to a convent felt like a bit of a convenient way to tie things up. I botice someone said you could lose the bit where Adam arrives at his mum's...trouble is, you put all your comedy eggs in that basket, so without that you'd hardly have any comedy at all. I liked the middle and the bookend parts in the present day, but felt the beginning and end of the flashback were the low points
Writing/format: all pretty good, particularly the very opening, which somehow I liked. However, there's one bit I'm going to pick out. It'll seem bizarre, but it's the bit about Mary's brief nudity. Obviously this is a moment that'll have a tremendous impression on young Adam, but I feel the way you wrote it really muted it's effect. Here's what you wrote:

He holds out the Kiss shirt. She smiles, rips off her shirt, she’s braless, and puts the Kiss shirt on. Adam is shocked. She tosses her shirt into the bushes.

I just feel that you failed to capture the moment fully. Funny thing to be frustrated by, I know, but it was a problem for me.

I thought I read this one when it was first posted but I must have missed it. I really liked it though, thought it was a good story. I didn't really get into it though until Adam got to his mother's house and that's where the story really took off.

Had the romance and drama angles covered, but I didn't see any comedy. One thing that has become apparent from reading all these scripts is how tough it is to fit comey, drama and romance into a twelve page script. I don't know if anybody has been able to achieve the right balance just yet.

There were a few descriptions in there that wouldn't necessarily be filmable, such as the people looking like an older version of them I think it was. But overall this was a good entry, one of the better ones I think.

Cheers,
Tim.

Very touching story here... I've always been a fan of "first Love"... I don't think you ever love anyone else as much. Why?? Tons of reasons, but mainly they happen when you're young and oblivious... No financial worries, no kids, no jobs or time schedules to get in your way.... just go to school, and fall in love..

That's why i always balked back at my parents when they'd tell me "You don't have a clue what love is"...

Contrary, I believe now more then i did at the time, I truly did. So I can relate to this guy writing a song about his first love...

Their romance wan't fleshed out too much, but i think that's what makes it work. A kiss would've been nice..

There was nothing in here i would consider comedy, which still IMO was a requirement for the OWC.

The song did reflect your story well here.

The ending was i nice touch...

Very solid work, got to this after i'd already made my nominations... but this would've been a consideration....

James

Thanks so much for all of the constructive feedback on my first OWC.  I had a blast and the lyrics were a HUGE challenge!!  I also really enjoyed reading the work from this talented bunch of writers here!

I just wanted to offer some back story on what I came up with.  I live in Jersey but have a huge Irish family in Mass.  I love the Cape.  That Kiss concert was real, the date and everything.  I was 11 years old and my older cousins went. They had an extra ticket and my Mom wouldn't let me go.  I don't think I ever got over that.  LOL.  

I was obviously too vague with Mary's character.  She was someone I actually knew.  She came from a very strict Irich/Catholic family and she got in trouble for smoking pot and her mom confined her to the yard for a whole summer then shipped her off to a convent and she did end up becomming a Nun.  It's one of those cases where it seems unlikely that it would happen although it actually did.  

I can't wait for the next OWC!  :)